The reason why I ask is because I feel like every close friend I ever had was out of convenience to a high degree. I’ve had 3 in my life and 2 people that really wanted to be closer to me but one seemed to have ulterior motives and the other I simply just didnt click with that much but hung out with him fairly frequently.
I see now that my first good friend growing up was a kid at least 3-5 years younger than me. I always had more “things” than he did so basically we always hung out at my house playing video games, shooting rocks, playing army and a whole bunch of other shit. We had are problems sometimes because my stuff would get broken and I would get mad and then things would be unsettling between me and him. With that friendship it always felt like I was the one in control and I usually coordinated things. Things were a lot of fun but he left Florida to live in Iowa when I hit like 7th grade. He was my buffer in 6th grade because to date that was the toughest year of my life school wise. I was never too vulnerable with him about what going on with me because I didnt want to affect him with my negativity and I had to be act tough since I was older than him.
When I got into 9th grade I made another good friend at the bust stop of all places. Thats where the likeness begins because the kid I used to be friends with before he moved lived RIGHT next door to me and this guy in particular lived about 5-6 doors from me. I always suffered low self esteem but in comparison to him I was the confident one with lots to offer like my creativity, my ability to be bubbly and be able to converse about lots of subjects (hes terrible at conversation so he plays listener almost always with anyone were with at the time), my attractiveness (I’d say we’re even at this point with his height being his thing and my face looking more attractive than his overall), and my knack for giving advice ( to this day I dont know why people in reality ask me about things that I’m absolutely clueless about).
Okay so I went off tangent there but yeah. Hes a Taurus and I’m a Libra. Basically said those 2 signs are of the 3 signs I consider the “softest” only missing Cancer in there. Over time him and I never fought. I thought it was a beautiful thing because by the time I turned full blown teenager fighting with both of my parents was a constant affair (Libras like to argue for the sake of arguing and yes we tend to be know it alls at times which only makes me look really stupid when Im wrong) It took me all these years to realize that as great as it is to have a close relationship with someone you dont fight with it actually ends up being the most detrimental aspect of it. This Taurus guy though in particular, he just never had a mind of his own. In high school he would get anxious over the most ridiculous things, always listened to his mother, and never had anything to say for himself.
So yes what I’m getting at is I unconsciously found another friend quite a bit like my old friend in the sense that whatever I would do he would follow and do the same accordingly. Over the years though (about 6-7 now) hes changed. I cant say his personality got any better but he feels like I have this “control” over him and he wants his independence. In a sense I’ve been pushing for it for some time but I never expected to him to take the course in this way. At this point we’re not friends anymore although I saw him the other day and I chatted with him a little bit. Its strange to know someone for many years only to then act more like strangers after a couple months.
The reason why I really proposed this question is because this second dude I considered him my best friend. The problem is when we joined up with another fellow from school and started hanging out something erupted between me and him and after we fought my actual best friend turned against me with that “new” friend. This year though I finally decided my other supposed best friend was using me and manipulating me to the point where I couldnt take it anymore so I ended my friendship with him. Same thing happened and the original best friend took his side and truly cut me out of the picture. He wouldn’t take my calls and he would avoid me by driving away if he saw my car at the park that I frequent.
I know Im not perfect and most of the problems my best friend had with me were “real” but I didnt think that was gonna be enough to wreck the friendship we had. Perhaps I have a unrealistic expectation when it comes to loyalty except in these 2 isolated situations where I perceived that I ultimately became the “evil” one. At this point I wonder if I ever had any “real” friends. I didnt explain enough of our past to get my message across of what went on but it just broke my heart that my original best friend would be so easily swayed by others who didnt know him like I did. I’ve decided in the future that I dont want to get close to anyone anymore. My criticalness of peoples character, my passive aggressiveness, and my oversensitivity prevent me from having fruitful relationships with anyone especially the opposite sex.
This writing is really screwy so I apologize if you actually decided to read it all. I know its Xmas and I should act happier but the climax of my life happened this year and I know from now on nothing will be the same. I’m just trying to process that for myself.
OA
