I’m in love with a sexually/emotionally damaged woman who thinks she needs space and freedom… who loves me back but is willing to sacrifice a chance with me to be free.
Here’s the story (I posted this in the introduction forum but thought I might get more response here):
Hi folks,
I’m a 28 year old guy living in a small town in Arizona. I currently work at a community college where my coworkers are a good deal older than me for the most part. I’m sort of a pseudo-IT/Administrator working for the Distance Education department. Its not a bad gig but can be frustrating at times. My age has been somewhat detrimental as the older generation tends to look on me with some of that ‘well isn’t that cute’ mentality. I’d sure love to be taken more seriously!
The primary reason for my being here is of a different nature, however. I began a simi-long distance relationship two years ago with a girl whom I’ve since fallen very much in love with (It ceased to be long distance about a year ago). Unfortunately things have fallen apart due primarily to some issues she has with men and independence. Long story short… she says she loves me but can’t be with me right now because she needs to be free, and doesn’t have any desire for a man in her life. She wants me to wait for her sometimes and other times wants me to be free and happy.
Due to some unfortunate issues with men in her past and the fact that she’s almost constantly been in a relationship with someone, I can somewhat understand how she’s feeling. The problem is that she doesn’t seem to want to face it for me… I feel as if I’m just not quite enough at times.
We still hang out sort of pseudo-dating… and we both acknowledge that we want to ‘end up’ together, but so far not much is changing. I think she has buried the loving and emotional parts of herself because she’s afraid to allow herself to fall again and afraid that men only desire one thing.
I cannot stress enough that I love this girl and intend only the best for her - me. So I’m here because I’m hoping some strategic chemical planning will help her to dig out those buried emotions and heal. Yes - its selfish too; I don’t want to lose her.
So, I don’t know if anyone has recommendations on what pheromones I should use or how to go about things… but I’m open. I’ve ordered the to-go versions of most of the pheromones already and I guess they’ll arrive in a week or so. I’m hesitant to just splash things on and see what I get though. Its a delicate situation and I don’t want to pull the wrong feelings out of her at the wrong time. Forgot to mention, she’s 23, petite, blond and very adventurous.
If you have A314, great…it is THE product for building attachment with women.
If not, then Instant Gentleman will work fairly well in the regard. Both are androsterone based and “Rone” tends to convey maturity, reliability, status and masculine security, something it sounds like she missed with her past relationships.
Instant Honesty will expand on that by creating a good sense of rapport, and deep connection.
Then Instant Shine, just to create a warm likable vibe about you.
As for what to do (since obviously the mones won’t do the whole thing for you).
Are you familiar with the phrases “Be careful what you wish for, you may get it.” and “Don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”?
Well you’re going to have to use both of these…if the girl is talking about freedom and independence, the harder you push the more she’s going to feel like those things would be threatened by you. What you want is for her to decide that being with you is NOT a threat to either (if you’re a clingy guy and know it, best to let her go but if you can be in a relationship and not smother her then go for it)
Try to see her casually (don’t make her feel pressured) for a couple of weeks…let the mones work. You may not notice an immediate effect as she already knows you, so it could take a week or two of regular exposure to the same signal for her to equate the feelings the mones are triggering with you.
Then…pull back. Don’t cut her off cold turkey as that would come off as being an ultimatum akin to taking your ball and going home. Rather make yourself busy. Don’t call quite as often as you normally do, maybe go hang out with some friends other than her.
Make more female friends…no I’m not advocating game playing like flirting with other women to try and make her jealous, these women can and should be totally platonic real friends that you just enjoy talking to and hanging with. There’s nothing sneaky or underhanded about that imo. But here’s what you’re going for.
With the mones, you create a vibe around you that says "Mature, solid, reliable somewhat dominant masculine guy (IG) that she has a strong sense of connection with and feels like she can really open up to (IH) and just makes her feel good by being around (Shine)…then show her what it’s like if that gets taken away.
Disclaimer: I am under NO circumstances promising that this will work…this girl sounds like she’s had some traumatic relationships in the past and not to sound like a dick…but depending on how bad her emotional scarring is, being alone for a while may actually be what’s best for her. But I do know that the harder you try to hang onto her the harder she’s gonna push away. If…and I do mean IF, anything will work it will be creating a sense of her getting a taste of what she says she wants and not liking it, and realizing how happy she can be with you, after she sees the possibility of not being with you.
But I caution you…your intentions may be as pure and noble as any, I won’t question that. But, be sure that it’s actually what’s going to be in her best interest as well as yours.
To be honest, I am okay with her taking a break. I agree with her that she needs to find herself before she can really be ready for me. She is planning to spend a year abroad in the near future - teaching English in Asia. I taught in South Korea after college and wouldn’t trade the experience. I want the best for her and if that’s what she needs I want to give it to her. I can’t lie though… I wish it wasn’t.
She knows that her past issues are what is holding her back. What frustrates me is that she doesn’t seem to want to face them and would rather put it off. The only conclusion I can draw is that she’s so scarred that she’s blind to what she has/could have with me. She definitely loves me. She tells me its there and I believe her – but she’s got everything in a safe and seems to want to forget the combination.
I totally agree that the mones aren’t the sole answer and I’ve already done a LOT to pull back. I’m struggling now with finding a balance between showing her I’m there and not pushing and not showing her that she can ‘walk all over me’ – if that makes sense.
In the end I want to be encouraging her to go away for a year knowing that she’ll miss the hell out of me while she’s gone. I think the mones and the time I have with her until then can make a real impact - at least I hope so.
I couldn’t snag the proper a314 but got a couple of the spray versions.
I’ve also ordered IG, IH, AMMO, IS, TUTH, p74, p79 and p83.
I’m not sure how long it’ll take for these to arrive but I hope by the time they get here to have a solid plan for breaking them in and working on operation YOU’RE GONNA MISS ME!
I have definitely been clingy but I’m over it and she’s even commented to that effect. I’m not her usual type, either - She typically goes for the bad guys but I think she’s realized her mistake - sad stories
I’ve wondered if coming off like a ‘jerk’ would improve the situation but I’m really thinking against it. I want her to heal more than I want her to fawn over me. She needs to realize that a man can be more than a sex crazed asshole. I want her to see me as the IG, IH, a314 man and then maybe throw in some TUTH and throw in some ammo later on – and not act on it – to show her she can be attracted to men that will treat her with love and respect.
I hope this makes sense. I plan on keeping up with this thread and letting you all know how things progress. I’m so glad to have found this community… even if the mones aren’t the whole answer I can tell you folks have good advice. I hope to learn a lot!
However, the phrases I’ve snipped from your posts all ring very, very loud alarm bells with me. I’ve been here, more times than I care to admit and every time it has turned to complete and utter shit.
I’m afraid to say that no matter how noble your intentions or however hard you try, a woman with serious past relationship issues like this is very often likley to end-up repeating the pattern again and again and will either pass you over short-term or ditch you completely and suddenly for a guy very similar to what she will tell you is everything she wants away from. Often whilst trying very hard to keep you around as some sort of fallback/emotional crutch for her most difficult times. They may well love you but in reality, you will just have the regular and thankless task of hearing all her troubles and sadness, dealing with them however and propping-her up till she’s happy again when she will go straight back to the (or some other) asshole - with no thought to “space and freedom” at all and repeat the process till you are emotionally, sexually and possibly financially burned-out and no further use to her. She will then find some new “angel.”
Don’t try “coming-off as a jerk” if this is not your basic nature, you will only look false and make it worse for both of you overall.
Walk away, face the pain and heal yourself now, deal with the issues that inevitably arise in yourself and when you are ready, get yourself out there to look for a non-toxic partner. Mones will be very helpful here too.
I would just like to comment on something you pointed out…
She cant face it for you she can only face it for herself before she can start to heal. You want her to come to you from as place of love and respect not from a place of need and dependence.
I agree with RAD in that if you push to much she will just shut down. I also agree you need to get out there and see more people and appear busy. Its not guarantee that it will make her deal with her issues and I think she should really deal with them before you both get into a deeper relationship or they will just rear the ugly heads later.
Now since you still see each other in a “pseudo-dating” sort of way I have one more suggestion. If you wait till she is ready to face her issues you could be waiting around forever. I dont usually suggest men buying women presents but in this case there is a purpose.
Get her this book…“The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself”
Tell her if she cares about you and herself then read it then back off a little and give her some time.
You may want to write something inside the cover to. Like…
Freedom doesn’t mean being alone. Aloneness can be its own prison. Sometimes the freedom you seek can be found in the person standing right in front of you. You just need to be brave enough to see it and take it. Find your bravery and claim your freedom. Love zab
I know its hard and what I am about to say is probably the all time corniest quote but “If you love something let it go, If it comes back its yours but if it doesn’t it never was” It may be corny but its true.
Hang tough in there bro, I’ve been through that, rad mobo and tisha all gave you awesome advice. Just from experience, before you say something or take action, make sure you step back and make sure that’s what you mean. With things like these it can get emotionally charged and you may say something the wrong way or something that you don’t want to come out and say at all.
What I can tell you is that you have to evaluate your own goals and where you want to go in life too. There will come a point where you’re going to have to make a hard decision with her if things aren’t progressing. There is patience and there is being a crutch, the hardest part is figuring out where you stand at that point.
Hope everything goes well, and Rad is right about the A314 and a few weeks. Have fun with her, laugh, no pressure, no talk about commitment, just you two going out and enjoy the day for what it is and not what it can be. Good luck
Good advice here. I was in a similar situation with an LDR. Yea I still care about her but I bit the bullet and cut her out of my life completely. I needed time to heal because she seemed content to just switch to being friends. when one is so emotionally involved, one doesn’t just switch off their emotions. Cutting her out of my life proved to be painful at first but I’ve slowly managed to move on, more or less.
That’s my advice for the OP, move on. It may not seem like it but there are plenty of other women out there that will treat you with respect and care about you with as little drama as possible. I don’t think mones will help repair the relationship as there are too many issues on both ends to be resolved. Time and space from each other, that’s the best thing. Either you’ll both come back better off and able to keep at the least, a good friendship, or you’ll both move on.
Hi folks!
A quick update - I’ve received my first round of mones and have done a little testing. WOW. Part of me thought they’d be a gimmick but that mentality didn’t last long.
A314… can’t say much about effects on others yet but I can tell you that it makes me feel like Roland from the Dark Tower books. Or Strider from LOTR. I can’t believe how kingly I feel with that stuff on. I’m kinda ticked that I can’t order the larger, longer-lasting oil based product! Can’t wait for more stock!
Second… IS is amazing. I have some at work and when I’m getting worn down or the day is dragging I spray a little on and the happy times resume! xD
That stuff is dangerous… I’m worried I might be addicted. I don’t expect the bottle to last very long the way I’m using it.
I’ll report more on the ex gf front as things progress. I’ve seen her once with A314 on and there was definitely a different vibe going on. I got a combination of DIHL and submissive respect. I’m thinking I might have put a tad much on… but it was only one encounter so I’ll update with more as it comes.
In the words of the immortal Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster Me and Bobby McGee: “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose/ Nothing ain’t worth nothing but it’s free”
Sometimes people need to be gently reminded what it is they’re actually asking for and that is what friends are for.
