"Adventures" in the Woods

Lounge
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So Diamond pestered me to post this down here. He seems to think its hysterical, and that it will get a giggle out of you all. :slight_smile:

Those of you who know me know that I am truly, truly, a Shit Magnet. I attract weird and crazy situations like freaking flies to honey. My coworkers have decided to implant me with a tracking chip so that they can stay far, far away from me. They actually calculated the mathematical odds of some of the crazy crap thats happened to me in the space of ONE YEAR relative to another persons lifetime. Thats when they decided to chip me. :roll_eyes:

So I was going camping yesterday and last night - went out to the forest, drove and climbed up a mountain, was camping near to the summit. Total backwoods area. Everything is going great. A couple miles away are some serious amateur astronomers, with some big fuck-off telescopes. I spend several hours up there with them, looking at the stars and the planets. Head back to camp, restart the fire for a bit, then off to bed just after midnight.

I wake up at 2 am to a long, low growl… right next to my head.

Followed by some snarls.

Then another growl.

I’m doing a pretty good impression of “The Silent Scream,” at the moment. There a pack of wolves at one edge of my campsite, growling at the big fuck-off Bear that has just arrived.

Now, I know that I am in the wild, and technically, it’s “theirs.” Dont come near my tent, I wont bother you. Dont fight over my campsite, either please.

Well, they break that rule. The wolves stalk off, MAD, and the Bear comes down to sniff my tent! With me inside! He’s pacing around my tent, sniffing at the corners, scratching at the posts. (I should probably tell you, my tent is not a heavy duty tent. I have a 4.5’ square bright red Ladybug tent. It has little black feet and some antennae. The door is a big smiley ladybug face. You can find them in your kids section of your local sporting goods store. Some fireproof spray and a tarp, and it’s a very colorful, I-will-never-lose-my-campsite pseudo-Eddie Bauer tent. But, not so good protection from Bears…) I have NO food in my tent. None. All my food is in my car…

Which The Bear goes to next. He snuffs, growls, and circles my car, very frusterated. I guess he can smell the apples and peanut butter that I have hidden in my front seat. I figure I will let him be frustrated. He can’t get in, dumb Bear can’t open the door… Until he starts to take it out on my car!!

The Bear is attacking my car. He swiping at the passenger door and banging his body into the side.

Fuck. This.

God Bless remote car starters. I whipped out my keys and honked my horn, which startled him back, then fired up the engine from inside my tent - that really annoyed him. He went careening down my campsite to the edge of my headlights beam, then started growling at the car.

I am so not staying here.

The adrenaline surge from such an incident WILL propel you to exit your tent, see the bear still there, collapse your tent and haul it, with everything still inside, mind, to your car and shove it unceremoniously inside, in the space of 30 seconds. It will also propel you all the way home to Los Angeles.

I saw the bear follow me down the dirt road as I sped out of the campsite.

I made the mistake in a day hike once of wearing cops in the woods - I had all the furry creatures of the forest following me. I had my own personal pack of squirrels. I think I now know what the Disney Princesses were wearing in those movies… :roll_eyes: However, I was NOT wearing ANY pheros at the time.

Do we have Instant Bear Repellant?? How about Instant Weird Repellant??

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Wow. Can’t say you’ve had a boring life. :smiley:

As an employee in the defense sector, do they equip you with any ‘protection’? Maybe a rocket launcher or two? :stuck_out_tongue:

That was a clever idea of using your remote start. I don’t know if it was a ‘smartest’ per se, as I’m no wilderness expert, but it’s probably what I would have tried. There are countless signs against storing food in your car at Yosemite, accompanied by pictures of wrecked cars. It’s a good thing you didn’t let it go further, the bear would probably have opened your car up like a can of tuna. FYI, you can hang your food from a high tree next time.

The imagery of your tent had me smiling. I can imagine that the bear might have thought it was a tasty treat, antennae and all. :slight_smile:

Either way, I’m glad you made it out, and thanks for sharing the story.

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LOL, you crazy girl!!! I would’ve bolted outta there too!!

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Haha Nice imagery. I can imagine the tent perfectly. Shoot, I can imagine the whole thing perfectly.

Being car-obsessed… is your car okay?

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Dude… you dont even know… I’m serious about the mathematical odds being astronomical for the crazy crap that happens in my life. :roll_eyes:

My coworkers asked me the same thing -
(well, okay, first I told them, “I had a bit of a bear incident this weekend…” and they said, “Of course you did. Does that bear know how lucky he is to be alive?”)

I didn’t want to take the chance of shooting the bear and not totally putting him down. The last think I need is a hungry, angry bear! Besides, there is waaayy too much paperwork involved in shooting a bear - even in self defense! :wink:

yeah, silly me. :roll_eyes: Don’t know what I was thinking!

Enjoy!! :smiley:

Yes - a minor bump and small dent on the passenger door. I bathed my car and gave it TLC on Monday to make up for the torture inflicted upon it on Sunday…

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OMFG, I absolutely ADORE your tent!!! I want it. I covet it. If I had a tent like that, I would have to go camping just so I could get to use it!!! I do love camping anyway, but that would make it so much greater!!

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… and this kids is why you tie your food in the tree at least 15-20 feet up…

to keep wolves out of your campsite eat a large steak dinner and pee all around your campsite, this will let them know about the larger carnivore in this area and they will leave you alone. every 3-5 feet around in a 15 to 20’ circle, being female, I would suggest using a cup to distribute, as it would be a weird sight to see you hobbling around marking your camping area. It does not take much, at each place just enough to that during the night they know it’s fresh.
(this is Nature’s Alpha A314)

As for the Pied piper experience, you are on your own finding a weird repellent, as I have enough of my own weirdness around me.

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Better yet, how about steak and ASPARAGUS?? Now that would make some way nasty pee that they really won’t want to cross!!

And make sure you’re not ovulating, because then there might be copulins in your urine, and they might have to cross the line instead of avoid it, lol :stuck_out_tongue:

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Target - Kids section. About $20.

I dont know how tall you are, but if you’re over 5’2" … it’s a tight fit. :wink:

Great for backpacking. :slight_smile:

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yeah right! cook ASPARAGUS out camping?? :stuck_out_tongue:

interesting suggestion though - i think i will have to bring a man with me next time I go wandering out in the woods… I’ll have to keep a straight face though when i tell him to go pee around the campsite though…

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WAAAHHHH!! I’m 5’6 and a half, and on top of that, there’s no Target here :frowning:

Use the canned kind, its actually pretty good, I eat it cold even. But get the long spears, much better than the tips and pieces. Le Sueur or Del Monte, I think. And it really does make your pee smell wierd.

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Not sure but Asparagus would only let you know where you have marked, It’s the extra lipids and fats in your urine that make those animals smelling your trail stay away.

Make sure you wear extra heavy cops around him for only a day or so so his Testosterone level is good and high…

It is also good not to be out in the wild woods during “that time of the month” as the animals can smell the blood. This effects mainly the large cats, but canines, bears and others can smell it too. Normally a bleeding creature in the woods is wounded and is fair game for predators.

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Oh great, so if she can’t go camping during ovulation because the wild animals will smell her copulins, and she can’t go during her TOM, then when can she ever go?

Looks like she can’t go camping anymore sigh so she’ll just have to give me her cute tent since she won’t be able to use it now :stuck_out_tongue:

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There is a solution, she will just have to get pregnant… :open_mouth:

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Not too many wolves in the San Gabriel Mountains, and the coyotes are chickens (except for the insane ones).:wink:

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actually I should have said most carnivorous night predators, Foxes, canines, etc…

which reminds me-

You weren’t making wounded animal in pain type noises were you?
Nocturnal Scavengers are attracted to animals making labored breathing, grunts, squeals, or other audible sounds of distress, which can easily be confused with sexual noises…

ever wonder why pets look at you funny when you are making love? it is because they are thinking you as being in pain or distress… :cool:
a friend’s dog when nuts and she never could figure it out…

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Hmmm, Tigerlilly dear, were you perhaps snoring?

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No, the wolves were growling at the Bear. They were happily roaming freely, I presume, until the bear showed up. I was not snoring. I swear. :wink:

And it was the Los Padres, not San Gabriels. :slight_smile:

Re camping during TOM - plug it up! :wink: My cycles are soooo long that it really doesn’t matter anyway. And SSSHHHHH!!! NO BABIES! Never!

Extra lipids and fats, hmm? So I should down a big ole’ burger, then piss in the woods around my campsite, not during ovulation and not during the TOM, and maybe with asparagus or not, and I’ll be good, yes??? :wink: