Body language: How can I deal with someone I really hate?

Lounge
1

I have a question for all you social engineering types. By the way, I don’t “hate” this person, I just needed a catchy title for this thread.

I have a tough situation. I am in a situation where I am subordinate to a person that I have a difficult time interacting with. She has made several comments about how she knows I’m “lying” when I say that I’m happy to work for her because she can “read my body language”. How do I cover this up? How can I put on a happy, easy-to-deal-with, mellow face despite feeling otherwise?

I have Instant Shine and Instant Female Magic on the way…I ordered them on Dec. 28 and I am DYING for them to get here. I hope that they will make me feel better and give me strength to deal with her compassionately, with kindness, and with professional detachment…because I cannot change HER, I can only work on changing MYSELF. If smelling the Instant Shine and Instant Female Magic help her too, then so much the better! I hope that if I can draw on my inner strength (which I feel is rapidly being depleted) so that I can present a professional face to her and maybe earn her trust if I prove to her that I can be relied upon time and time again.

I have worked on the basics. I make sure that I adopt a neutral body position when she’s talking to me. I am completely attentive whenever she says anything to me – I stop whatever I am doing, turn to face her, and give her my undivided attention. Even when I’m angry, I don’t cross my legs, cross my arms, or ball up my fists. I have a harder time controlling my facial expressions when I feel like she is attacking me.

I feel that she poses a hugely important life lesson to me. If I can learn to love her, that would be the most Christian thing to do. It is easy to love people who are lovely to you, but it takes incredible fortitude to love people who hate you. I want to be able to be detached and calm. Eventually, I want her to see that I’m NOT her enemy, but someone who wants to be a good, trustworthy employee. I’m going to have to deal with people a million times worse than her throughout life’s journey. My twin sister is a Buddhist, and she says that part of living compassionately is turning “poison into medicine.” I need a way to turn her vitriol into nurturement.

Thoughts? Suggestions on how I should handle this? I really respect her professionally and I want to earn her trust and mentorship. I know that deep down, she has a good soul. I cannot force her to mentor me if she doesn’t want to, but I can’t handle this constant stress. I want to be the kind of person she can depend upon and trust, not hate.

2

I would find your situation to be a challenge, too, AKmedic. Your intention to deal with this supervisor kindly, compassionately, and with professional detachment say a lot about the kind of person you are. I think you can get through this, and it will be YOU, not the pheromones, that will be making the effort and achieving the results. The pheormones may help, though, but I think you yourself have the strength and determination to make this situation better.

This supervisor says she “knows” that you are lying when you say that you are happy to work for her. Could you tell her that, perhaps, “happy” isn’t the right word – that, in a sense, she’s right, that you’re not happy to work for her. Instead, you’re “fortunate” to work with her because (I’ll quote you here) you “really respect her professionally and want to earn her trust and mentorship.” Is this something you could say to her, or would it be saying too much? It would be an acknowledgement from both sides that “I don’t like you, and I know you don’t like me, but maybe we can work together.” Maybe you could tell her how tough she is to work for, yet you respect her and want to earn her trust and show her that she can depend on you.

The best of luck to you for things to get better quickly.

3

Hi AKmedic, what a trying situation that sounds like.

On the body language issue, sometimes “mirroring” is the best thing to do because it increases rapport. You are assuming “nuetrality” with your hands uncrossed, looking straight at her, etc. style, but mirroring is to mimic what she does. If she stands with hands on her hips, you do that too; if she gestures while speaking, watch and approximate her gestures; if she leans in when she speaks to you, do the same. The affect mirroring has is to make the other person feel at ease. It’s possible (but not at all certain) that she may be interpreting your “at attention” body language in a negative manner.

On her saying “I know you’re lying,” that’s antagonistic, so don’t make it all about you here. That is antagonistic, passive aggressive crap (sorry) and it would make me not like someone too. Typically, people like that can never be satisfied. I agree with pherobeliever’s comment about saying something to diffuse her. Instead of “I’m happy to be working with you,” maybe “I believe I stand to learn a lot from you.” Were you trying to convince her of something with that statement “I am happy…”

Finally, maybe you could try being a little less eager to please with her. That may be setting something off in her. Try a somewhat more detached approach with less of the “love” vibe and see if she responds differently. It may be a good life lesson to learn, but another life lesson to learn is that not all people respond well to love (at least initially; for some, being treated well is noxious to the system they’ve set up to survive and do not know how to respond to good treatment, thus “they don’t respond well to love”.)

Good luck.

4

you may not like what i have to say.

first of all, your eagerness to prove otherwise gives credence in her eyes that there is something to be done here.
there isnt.
there is manipulation here if you have to give thought to how you behave or adjust yourself in any way.
i will NEVER believe in being accomodating.
when you are who you are, it comes through,even if others refuse to acknowledge it. what you are doing when you refuse to accomodate is this : you will be THE ONE people come to for realness. you will be seen as consistant. truthful. unwavering.
integrity.
you are fair, you are brilliant. you are truthful, and you are straight to the point. you are a good person.
if everything i have said here is true, and you know it, then there is nothing more to be said. this is HER problem,and you cannot get into her head and force her to be different.
honestly it sounds to me as if your acceptance of her means something to her, otherwise how you behave would be a non-issue.

with that said, i advocate TAH here.
i know everyone here will think “NO! then you will be a doormat!”
i think the opposite. i think you will come across as nice and sweet and shiny,and happy… and happy nice people have NO USE for lying.
i have seen TAH in a different light lately.
TAL would be “pushing against”
TAH says " i am wonderful in spite of you"
i hope i was helpful.

5

To me, it seems so very painfully obvious that this women is insecure as to whether or not she is accepted by others. She is trying to pick you apart because of her lack of self-esteem. Believe it or not, sometimes the strength some people project is really just a shell that is masking their weakneses.

Maybe you are lying when you say that you are happy to work for her. Try to be more sincere. Subtle distinctions can be very important. But as Lor said, be true to yourself. Nothing is more repulsive than a brown-noser. Not that I am implying that you are. You have a beautiful, caring, compassionate personality. Maybe she should be happy that you are are working for her. She is lucky to have such a kind-hearted employee working for her. Just be yourself. I don’t see how you can improve on that. If she ias so attuned to whether or not you are lying about being happy to work for her, she will gradually be able to see your personal integrity for herself.

Maybe in her own subtle way, or even subconsciosly, she would like to know truly if you are unhappy working for her. What can she do to change that? It seems to me that the answer would be for her to get over her insecurities, or to realise that she has nothin to worry about. The next time that she mentions your unhappiness, explain to her that you are happy to work for her, but you would really like to…become friends(or whatever you feel best to say at that point.) I think that would be very honest and sincere, according to what you have shared with us here. But do it only if you feel comfortable with it.

Body languge… Well, it seems to me as if you are doing everything right in that regard, but sometimes there are just things that you cannot hide. It is difficult to fake a smile. It just looks contrived.

If none of this works, I don’t know what to tell you. Some people are just unhappy with themselves and feel that it is their duty to make everyone arounfd them miserable in the process.

Pheromones… Yes TAH would be great. Instant Honesty , Instant Shine. But remember, pheromones don’t actually work miracles or perform magicly, they are only tools.

6

All right, one more quarter to hear from.

Insecure executives/managers are easy to find, but not always easy to deal with – if the source of her antagonism is innate insecurity.

Just speculation, but in PUA / the game there is the concept of “a sh*t test” – in job interviewing it’s called a “stress” segment – and this manager might be creating a hurdle for you specifically to see how you work it out with her. She may be telling the truth that she knows you are lying, because she’s set the situation up that way: you lie about / cover up / deny the stress, or you confront her. And it’s clear you haven’t confronted her yet.

What else could be the source of this? Drug dependency, for one. Irrational managers decompensating with their own stress aren’t exempt from using antagonism as a way to cover their own tracks, whether it’s the mental lack of focus due to substance abuse or sleep deprivation, or simply a tactic to distract you from embezzlement or direct theft of drugs.

“I’m curious to know how you manage to read my mind; it’s a skill I’d like to learn from you.” – when someone tells me they know what I am thinking, that’s a cocky/humorous response that can open communication channels. I find it is a great way to laugh about an antagonistic position, and if necessary to normalize it, then shift from my feelings to my objective performance of the job.

Unless your job description includes “be happy about your boss” then your happiness or lack thereof is incidental to your performance. And if need be, you can make it clear that having to try to figure out how to manage you boss’s insecurity actually detracts from your ability to perform the job effectively.

But I empathize with your situation. Meh!

7

if i were you, i wouldnt look to pheromones to help. any reason why you cant resolve any conflicts with her? if she attacks you you dont need to love working for her.

8

punch her in the face. repeat as required.

Seriously I’d go with -nol heavy stuff. Non-threatening, happy-go-lucky, fun to be around! Spaceland or Scent of Eros might be a starting point.

Matt :smiley:

9

Well, dealing with people with an “attitude” may not be easy, but attitude is the key factor here. Go back to the ‘old fashion’ ways. You can try things like saying kind words to her, compliment her on something she achieved or even praise her new hair style or her dress. All these things doesn’t cost anything, but it usually does has an effect towards people around us. Remember, what you give, you get back. I do not want to go into details, but just think on how to put a smile on someone’s face and in return you will be smiling and happy too.

May God bless you always.

Mohammad :slight_smile:

10

lol. i think woman deal with this a bit differently than men do.

does anyone else that works under her have the same problem, or is it a situation where you are the only female she deals with? it sounds like she does not have enough respect for you if she is making statements like this. i would try the female version of A314 (can’t remember which mx number it is) if it were me. i was in a similar situation, only i (nor anyone else who worked for her) did not respect my supervisor. i think if you have to deal with unfair accusations like this on a daily basis for too long, it changes you for the worse. if you can truely learn things from her, if she is brilliant and it would be an amazing experience to be her mentee, then i could put up with it. otherwise, it would be best to change departments, positions, or jobs to get away from her.

11

for the “punch her in the face” type comments (taken with a grain of salt), i’d be cautious fighting fire with fire in this situation. This is AKMedic’s boss, and in a position to give good/bad recommendations should AKMedic leave her current job. If she needs to leave to get away from this crazy &#@& then by all means, she can, but be careful on how you do it. No need to encourage this person, who seems a little unbalanced as it is.

12

Thank you guys for your insight. I’m going to get TAH with my next order and I’m going to have to stand up for myself. I can’t let her continue to treat me like dirt. It is frustrating because she can be a real sweetheart when she wants to be. I think that our personalities are just like oil and water. But you guys are right – like ilsa and lor – I DON’T want to come across as too eager to please, a brownnoser, or a doormat. Subjugating myself to her will is the only way to make nice in her little empire (it’s her way or the highway…if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy), and that is basically akin to prostituting myself and my beliefs.

Tyrants create awful environments – ones that only a minion would tolerate. Worse, tyrants create tyrants underneath them…there have been times where I’ve acted like her in my dealings with others, which IMMEDIATELY turned them off, and who can blame them? My biggest nightmare is one day waking up and realizing that she’s moulded me into her image. The problem with ruling by an iron fist is that you make others hate you. Talking down to people and trying to dominate them will make them hate you. Playing the “Because I’m the boss and I SAID SO” card shuts down intelligent, thinking people because who wants to have their autonomy violated like that? You don’t humiliate your equals or peers - real people don’t treat others like that, but tyrants do. That kind of environment doesn’t foster creativity. Having my opinions and contributions belittled and humiliated doesn’t foster growth or encourage me to become a better employee. It makes me hate the one who’s kicking me.

It’s tough. If our personalities keep clashing, I might have to move on. But you guys are right, I can’t keep cramming my emotions down and prostrating myself before her, because not only is that a terrible assault to my human dignity, it’s also inauthentic. Sincere people don’t behave that way.