Confidence
How to obtain it.
Confidence is something that lots of people on this forum and in the wider world strive towards achieving, but not everyone knows how to obtain. Let’s make it a bit less elusive. Working from the inside out is the easiest and most robust way to build confidence. Because the practices do build upon another, and it looks and feels more real. But if you find it more useful to start elsewhere; whatever works for you is fine. You’ll have evidence of success earlier if you start on the outside, yet your confidence would be less robust.
The basis of confidence is having a strong and worthy character that allows you to let your self love flow freely. Such a character takes some effort to acquire, but it is the greatest treasure you can find in the world. Every deeply charismatic person relies on the powerful foundation of a strong and healthy self. You don’t need to have any special talents to build it, anyone who puts his mind to it can have it. That said, if you have any talents, they will be like stained glass that your charismatic confidence shines a light through. Because you are calm and proud you can show your true self effortlessly. Why let shame block your self love and cheat you of your confidence if you can build your character with a little bit of daily practice?
Know your values
What do you want to achieve and why?
Who do you admire and why?
What experiences bring you lasting joy?
Try to find out what the values are behind the answers you gave and you will have a rough idea of your own values.
Consider is you want things for you or to impress your parents and peers. What are you trying to achieve by impressing others?
Are you serving others at the expense of your own needs and desires? To what extent are your efforts appreciated?
Are you rebelling against others or trying to cause them grief at the expense of your own needs and desires? To what extent is this productive
When making choices, if you consider what values you are weighing you will learn to be more honest to yourself and live your values more and more. You understand yourself better and this deeper connection with your self will help allow you to understand others in turn and to make yourself understood to them in turn.
It used to be that I went to Uni because it was expected. My mom is a sweet woman and she will never admit it but she kind of looks down on people who haven’t a degree. It would not be okay with her had I become a hair dresser for example. At first I enrolled because that seemed to be the only option after high school, then I felt resentment against not having the choice, I was angry about the past and put my studies on hold. Finally I figured out that it is better to look at what choices I can make today. I decided it would be better to finish my studies, given the options I have, and it would make it easier to meet my needs in the long run. I am much more motivated and enjoy it more because I do this for myself, not because I feel forced. I’m working towards my own goals and get things out of my experiences that I personally value.
When I seek the advice of others, I don’t let them tell me what to value, but I appreciate them showing me how to reach my goals. I try to give advice in the same way.
Be true to your values
Once you know where you stand, let peer pressure simply slide off. Real friends can accept you for who you are, they do not require you to be the same way the are.
You need not fear disagreement, it adds a little spice to the sugar.
By doing the things that are in alignment with your nature, and using the courage to face disapproval, you build your backbone and open your heart. Notice how this also physically opens the chest and straightens your back. Of course, you need not be argumentative, or convince others you have the right to live according to your own values. You simply take the right quietly and hold your ground with a gentle smile.
Respect yourself
Say no straight away if you don’t want something, even if people don’t like it. People may grumble a bit at first, but they get used to it quickly and forget they even used to grumble.
Don’t over explain or over apologise, it will make you look weak and guilt ridden. Watch the difference between:
“No, I can’t work overtime tonight.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry I can’t stay late for work. The week was so tiring for me, I’m completely run down, my apologies but I really would not be able to make it till that late. Sorry.”
Often, if you agree to do something you don’t want to, you come to resent it and this resentment makes you very unattractive socially and makes it harder to love yourself fully.
If you wait too long to say no, it will often come out in an irritated or even angry tone. Rather say it straight away, when you can stay calm.
Last week in class, my dance teacher suggested I come up for 15 seconds during a final dance for the whole group, wearing a folkloric costume. I would be wearing something else in the previous dance, and would do something at the end that would not look good in the folkloric costume and changing so fast would be a big hassle. Also, I would be far more glamorously dressed than the two girls sharing my 15 seconds of fame and make them look bad in comparison. In short, I did not want to do that bit, and I told her just that. When she asked why, I answered concisely. She did not like it at first, but two days later it was forgotten. Another girl agreed with everything, then exploded a few weeks later. The fact that she bended over backwards at first was forgotten quickly.
Of course, you may still do unpleasant things if you want to, they may bring you something you value so much it weighs against the displeasure.
If you happen to be in an interaction where you compromise yourself by agreeing to something that goes against your values, notice the icky feeling that occurs.
Learn to recognize these situations and make an effort to show a bit more self respect next time.
Require respect from others, yet accept them for who they are.
Guard your boundaries. Have a good idea of how you want to be treated and know what you can accept, when to confront and when to walk.
I have an old friend that often cancels on short notice, yet is a fun person to be around and quite toughtful and generous. I can accept the cancellation risk when I invite her as part of a group, or someplace where I can also go alone, but I have told her frankly that I’m not making plans to go clubbing with a girl who might cancel at 9pm. When people have minor flaws, I like finding a way to keep them in my life without the frustration. Being creative when thinking this true helps you come up with a good solution.
Do not complain about situations you are volunteering to be in. It sends out the hidden message that you are willing to be mistreated and invites more of it into your life. Sometime you don’t succeed in guarding your boundaries, this happens to everyone, but self respecting people cut off the culprit forgive themselves and keep mum. If you talk about what a jerk your best friend is and complain about how he breaks your stuff and slept with your girlfriend, people will realise that while you do not enjoy it, you still hang out with this jerk, so obviously you are willing to put up with bad behaviour. Keeping someone in your life while he mistreats you often means that you are not accepting him for who he is, but rather are hoping you can change him by nagging and complaining or by force and shame. Believing that you can and should change others is a sign of arrogance and nosiness.
Make efforts towards your goals
This is especially good when you feel inclined to worry. Think about what you can do today to improve your situation and get closer to your goal. Make plans to reach a certain goal in a few months.
If you are worried about your financial situation, pay a bill, sell something you no longer need or gain some rapport with your boss. If your looks bug you, go to the gym, iron your clothes or try a new way of styling your hair. If you feel lonely, call an old friend, a cousin or have a chat with a neighbour or a girl on the bus. All these things have the power to make you feel better in 15 minutes.As opposed to candy, booze and other band aids, they also help solve the problem when done daily for a year. But it’s okay to have a glass of wine after 
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Give to others in ways you enjoy**
Now that you feel less pressure to conform to the expectations of others and have a strong backbone, you can learn the joy of giving from the heart.
You can give material items, do something for another person, give advice, give praise or listen. Whatever you can give without expecting anything in return.
When you give by doing something you enjoy doing, or give something you do not need or enjoy sharing, there is a sense of openness to your gift.
When I was in Italy, I gave my extra bus tickets for one city to a girl I met on the train, I could not use them and it was nice to see a smile on her face. Then a week later in another town, another girl gave me her ticket. I find that life tends to give back to you 
Most of the time, I’m in the habit off being friendly, I’m free with my smile, my praise and a listening ear. It is nice to see how you can make another person experience joy by putting forth a very small effort, without worrying about what they think of you. When I do things that cost more time, they are things I enjoy for the experience or value being done. I help organise parties for my dance because I like the evenings I have when I help out and feel it is important they take place. Sometimes I take a friend’s children out for a day so she can relax, but also because it can be fun to go to the playground and see kids have fun, it is a bit tiring, but I enjoy my day. When I’m out at a party or club, I’ll help my female friends with a bit of makeup or perfume if they need it, I like making my friends look nice. Or if out with male friends, I flirt with them in an innocent way to help them loosen up a bit.
When you are not looking for others to reward you, but instead you find reward for yourself, you become more self reliant spiritually. You also learn to be nice in a dignified way and it is very noticeable how different this is from being nice in a pushy pushover way. You live according to your values in a way that reaches outside your own sphere and leave your mark on your environment. You are influential and can be proud of the good you create those things and people you touch.
Forgive yourself, don’t dwell on your weaknesses
Now that you are making great efforts to be your best self, realise that you are awesome and you don’t have to be perfect. With the amount of good things you do for yourself and others, a little vice or slip is not going to make you anything less than a good person. Feeling ashamed over your mistakes is a very common way people refuse their self love. If this was a good friend, surely you would be merciful enough to forgive him a few small errors. You could like him in spite of those, not because you are blind to his flaws but because you would look at all the good in him, and see the whole package. Why not show yourself the same courtesy? Aren’t you your own best friend? You deserve to be treated with mercy and kindness.
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Know your charms** and be proud of them
Everyone is born with some talents. Being charming and admired is not about who has the most, but who makes the most of what he has. Buff up your talents, improve your skills little by little and let them give you a sense of inner satisfaction and add shine to your person. Anything you have reasonable talent for and practice for ten minutes almost every day, naturally grows into a remarkable skill. Learn a variety of skills; they bring you many facets of the joys of diligence and creation and attract the deeper layers of the admiration of others.
There is no need to brag about your abilities, people will find out naturally if you are open about yourself. The air of fulfillment and pride itself is what makes you charming, and when people find your talents, it only confirms their high opinion of you. But the impression is made long before it is appropriate to explicitly shine light on your talents (Showing them too early makes you look desperate for attention), so it pays to be implicit. What I do is simply be graceful when my friends make good mention of me, to accept their praise warmly, knowing they speak the truth and it is in my favor that these things are said. If you have been practicing respectability, reaching goals and learned the joy in giving, you will naturally have drawn people around you who are supportive of who you are and enthusiastic about your qualities.
You will also have the social and inner charms that make you an asset to every host, they may seem less tangible than the ability to run fast or play the piano, but are just as valuable. When you notice that talented or important people cannot believe you are not their equal, you likely have some inner skills you have not yet discovered. At one point I had a friend who was a much sought after musician, who was quite fond of my conversational skills; I could help him find wisdom in his daily experiences, and he could not believe I did not sing or play an instrument. (This was before I danced at a more advanced level.) Other people thought I must have been his mistress the way he valued my company, but I just laugh at that. These skills are far more powerful than sex, though sexual allure can certainly enhance them, if used tactfully.
Take small steps or big leaps
If you have social fears, learn how to best overcome them. Try both the method of taking small, easily digestible steps and the way of jumping straight into the unknown.
Experiment thoroughly and see what suits you best.
Plan ahead
You will feel more confident if you know what to expect and are prepared for it. Make sure all your clothes fit well, flatter you and suit the event. Make sure they will keep looking good throughout the expected activities. Be well rested and well fed, so that your mood. If you are speaking in public, know what you want to say. If it is a networking event, know who you want to introduce to whom and what connections you are looking to make. If you expect physical closeness, your breath is fresh, you have the right pheros on and wear a nice scent.
Learn to go with the flow
Unexpected things can always happen, the environment provides interesting surprises or the mood may strike to do something unplanned. Let your plans be flexible enough to allow for this. Learn to feel at ease while not prepared by doing things that allow you to encounter surprises. Notice how surprises help you discover strengths you had not yet seen, or offer you areas to improve that you had been blind to. Learn to love and adore the surprise. Just be in the moment, dealing with things as they come. This comes easy when you always work on your goals and know your talents. Play with the surprise in the moment, surf it, court it, feast on it. Then you can make magic happen.
Forget yourself
When you have planned ahead, are able to go with the flow and are generally full of self love, you have no need to worry about what others may thing of you. It becomes easy to drop this defeating habit, but if you experience difficulty, it is also good to make the effort to focus your thoughts elsewhere. Look at others, imagining yourself in their shoes. If your habit of self consciousness is hard to break, you are especially suited for helping other self conscious people as you know exactly how they feel. Find people who feel ill at ease and put them at ease, find people who are bored and show them the interesting things at the event, find the people who envy you and flirt with them warmly. Then you have no time to fret about what people think about your dress or your skin or your job. Plus you enhance the environment.
If I’m at a bar and a girl near group is feeling insecure, I spend some special attention on her and bring a smile to her face, a minute is often enough. Or if another group of girls give me and my friends the stink eye, I smile or wink at them, maybe give one of them a compliment. For me there is no interest in making friends with these people, so I don’t connect much on a verbal/mental level, just through my eyes and body. I aim to tweak their mood without inviting them and express this physically. This takes a little practice but is a great skill to have.
Enjoy
That’s after all the reason you are here
You worked hard, now it is time to harvest the fruits of your labour. And your joy will naturally draw others to you like moths. Yet you can simply walk alone and enjoy the place and the people for a bit, it does not matter as you are at ease, proud and delightful.
The world is your oyster, taste it.
