P94 and Mourning
Long time, no see. A lot has been going on.
As I mentioned over the summer, I moved down to Miami for a year. My dad had also moved down as he had just retired. I was going to help him get a place, set up social security, blah, blah, blah.
A week after he moved into the new place, he called me in the room to have a talk. Apparently his stool had been coming out black and his sister (a nurse) told him it was some kind of internal bleeding.
I took him to the emergency room that week and discovered it was stomach cancer. Stage 4 stomach cancer. The doctor estimated that he had 2 months to live.
I immediately became his caregiver. He was in the hospital for a month and I was there every single day dealing with doctors and interns and insurance and a gazillion other details. Often he just wanted me to lie in the bed with him and rub his back, which I did.
A week after he came home, he started going downhill fast. He died at home in mid October… just one day shy of the 2 months the first doctor estimated. He was surrounded by friends and family members.
I’ve never felt a heartbreak like that in my entire life. My whole body ached like you wouldn’t believe. My heart physically hurt. I would easily lose track of where I was and what I was doing. I would hear people talking to me and not know what they were saying. It was all very surreal.
Three days after he passed, I pulled out my pheromones, remembering that P94 used to put me into a high, mellow zone. I needed that. I was tettering between extreme sadness and being angry with my dad for not going to the doctor sooner. I decided not to make drinking alcohol an option at this point, but I desperately needed something to take the edge off.
2 sprays to the neck, 5mcg each, vanilla dream scented… and I was plastered to my office chair. Relaxed. Not focused on anything in particular. Not talking. Not crying. Just allowing myself to be in a spaced out zone. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – P94 is my legal high.
I’ve had good times with it, and I’ve had mellow times with it. It’s one of those pheromones that’s just very congruent with my chemistry no matter what mood I’m in. I think we all need a pheromone like that.
While I sat there, I felt like I needed to be held and loved in a romantic way. I thought this was odd, considering the situation. But my body was aching for it with P94. This is something I felt with previous usage. It made me quite horny before.
I suppose the Universe had mercy on me because somehow through this sucker punch of a situation, I found someone to lean on almost immediately. A close friend of my dad’s, nonetheless!
I’ve had a crush on this man since I was a little girl (he’s 10 years older than me). He flew in to Miami 2x to visit my dad when he was sick. He was at the house when my dad died.
Before he left Miami, I let him know that I liked him and we kissed and he held me, and it was exactly what I needed. My heart stopped hurting almost immediately. I could walk without feeling like I was 99 years old.
He has been back to Miami 3x since then and the sex is incredible. I never imagined a 50-something year old man would be turning me out like this, considering I tend to attract a lot of younger men. 
With that said, I decided not to use pheromones when we’re together. Despite the fact that we’ve got physical and emotional chemistry out the wazoo, there’s still this one ton elephant in the room called ‘distance.’
Though he has been back to visit a few times, the bottom line is that he’s not in the next city over. He’s on the other side of the country. I’m torn between holding onto the joy he gives me at a distance, or pushing him into the friend zone so I can pursue a relationship out here.
Whilst I’m deciding, I am back on the pheromone block.
Ordered the new Puppy Love blend the other day, so I’m curious to try that one out. Emotionally I’m not fully settled, so I’m looking for something more light and playful rather than strong, sexual blends.