It’s called HIDDEN AGENDAS. Relationships and marriages, in these days and times, are FULL OF HIDDEN AGENDAS. The older people get, the worse it is. What’s LOVE got to do with it? 
She probably was one of those who can’t be alone. Or, she took MAKING HIM JEALOUS to a whole new different level. Or, she had MAJOR HIDDEN ISSUES. It happens all over the world.
Hi SiriusC,
As you can see by the huge response here to your thread, we have all been there bro. As you can read, there is a lot of experience here with this scenario you are going through. One thing to remember is some of this advice here may seem a bit harsh, but that is only because you are so close to this situation, that it is hard for you to be objective.
One other comment I would add is don’t play the withholding sex game, or “using sex as a tool.” That is a game played by women, not a self respecting man. By this I by no means mean “No means yes”. If a woman says no, no means no.
What I do mean is when you are already intimate, and she uses sex to “get things” or to get you to do things, to me that is the ultimate bastardization of a very personal loving act. If a woman does that to me (and they have) that is the end of the line for our relationship. Hit the bricks. I would never do that to a woman, and I expect the same in return. By holding sex back from her you are in essense, playing their childish game. (IMO)
Here endeth me 2 cents… Good luck!
“I love you but I’m not in love with you”
It’s a way of saying, I feel boredom, resentment or discomfort with this relationship. These things block the ability to feel intimate. Find out exactly what it is, so you can change it. Whatever it is she’s feeling, blame it on yourself. And hear her. But be optimistic. Don’t argue in any way. The more you argue, the more she will dig in her heels. The less you say the better - you’ll only give her ammunition. She’s the one who needs to do the talking.
There is a challenge that must be met for the relationship forward, and one or both parties can’t necessarily see their way to the other side. You will need to be the perpetual bearer of optimism on this front. Long-term relationships are statistically associated with male (not female) optimism and engagement. Weather her feelings are strongly negative or strongly positive, what is important is that she feels she can share, and feels that she was heard. Make her feel stronger and more confident, and you will be indispensable.
The appropriate route would involve gradually escalating emotional intimacy (communication), but give her whatever space she needs. Listen to her feelings, validate her feelings whatever they may be. They could be quite negative - simply be sorry that she feels that way. DO NOT take a Mr fix-it attitude or give her any advice, as she will later resent you advice even if she agrees in the moment. Listen. She is distressed, and when a woman is distressed, she want’s her man to be able to be her rock, her leaning-post. Strength in character is buoyant - you can infect her with your optimism gradually - if you can control your emotions better than she can, you have a chance. If she can infect your emotions with her negative feelings, she will see that you are weak of character.
Every time someone recites their thoughts and feelings, they become somewhat open to suggestion at the time, so that when it is stored again the thoughts are somewhat tampered with. In a given conversation it may seem like she is spewing negativity that is bottled up inside, but this is the moment when you can affect those thoughts with your positive outlook and perspective. She will remember that we talked about strong emotions she had for you together, and she could not bring you down with her negativity, you were there for her as her leaning post, exuding a loving feeling.
When she tests you, raining down negative emotions, she wants to see if she can deflate your optimism, see if you are weaker than her on the emotional level that she’s testing you on. Since women are physically weaker than men, they compete on an emotional indirect-aggression level. strength in character is more important to women than physical strength.
A woman may look for a man that is tall, strong, wealthy, etc. but if she can wreck him emotionally with some bombardment of hysterics, she will not respect him. She needs a man who can withstand the bombardment of other women’s tests, if she is to commit to him. Women can be very competitive with each other in the realm of indirect-aggression. She will test you herself to see what kind of bombardment you can shield her from. She may also play men against each other to see who is more dominant physically. Some women play these games better than others, but it would seem to be to their benefit.
Believe it!
It was only two weeks-out before one of my ex’s was apparently going to be marrying someone else. Which could just have been another turn on the knife I suppose, or it could have indicated this was coming for a lot longer than I’d known about it - or it could have indicated other issues in her, or her new intended.
Either way, do not underestimate the capacity for duplicity in any partner.
Duplicity: Anger and resentment will do that. It will cause the partner to do crazy things just to spite you. Things that don’t make any sense.
Resentment and anger are driven by fear. Fear of being alone, specifically. It’s a fear rooted in early childhood. It can lead to all kind of scandalous and non-nonsensical behavior in adult relationships.
The fear of approaching a woman who you think may reject you, this is a preservation fear, rooted in the fear of being alone. People are also afraid of having their fears validated.
Sorry about the long wait between postings i havent been online much. My ex was one of those women who let a traumatic past define her being at the time of our relationship (We have since reconciled and become uneasy frenemies due to our mutual friends). The prediction earlier in the thread is correct, she was one of the people who could/would not take life alone. I was told by her sister that she went out to a bar the day we broke up and screwed a guy that she evidently hit off with nicely. less than 2 years later, a history of abuse and stolen money with the man and she divorced him. I wont say she deserved it, mostly because no one deserves abuse, but i will say i still dont see her in the best of lights due to this. Makes me soooo glad im moving across the country.
Never… go in with the crazies.
Where M&M sees “hidden agendas”, I more often see “internal narrative”. M&M is right that there sometimes is a hidden agenda, but…
There are countless studies showing that we don’t exactly know why we do what we do. There is a specific locus in our brain that constructs inner narratives after the fact – particularly striking in split brain studies after the corpus callosum connecting the two hemispheres of the cerebrum have been severed: the left hand literally doesn’t know what the right hand is doing, but the brain continues to create a consistent narrative, so the patient doesn’t see anything amiss, and fluently explains their reasons, even though an outside observer who can see the objective stimuli (words, colors, pictures) presented to both sides of the brain can easily see the real reasons for the actions vs the fictional self-explanations.
I’m sure there must be some “split brain” videos on Youtube.
The thing is: we ALL do this every minute of every day, and it assumes deeper significance to us in times of inner conflict. The girl who married the next week may have been resolving her conflict by saying “despite all the positive associations and feelings, I conclude that what I really need is X” and anyone who seems to have X becomes a Holy Grail – and she’s often ready to fool herself about them having X.
This is one point where I disagree slightly with LWatkins. I agree that arguing with her will make her dig her heels in and cling more tightly to her internal narrative, but I feel it is important to emphasize that repeating a belief strengthens it, rather than weakening it. How many of us are hobbled by internal voices (messages) from lovers or parents?
So yes, listen, but don’t let her repeat it over and over --and definitely discontinue (or leave) if she starts projecting the perceived flaw on you unfairly or sniping at you for them. When it feels like you just can’t win, you can’t!
If you don’t argue, she may be able to talk herself out of her internal rationalizations, but I can’t recall EVER seeing a couple recover directly from a full-on “See! You’re doing it right now!” cycle when the relationship is deeply stricken – they may reconcile years later, when they’ve both released their death grip on the reins of the horse they rode in on, but not immediately.
If she has negative feelings for you, they are still feelings. She just needs affirmation. Women complain the most about the men they can’t leave - the ones that are essential. Anger you can control, love is fickle. Defending yourself escalates conflict, which is counter-productive. You might succeed in changing her mind in the moment, but later she will hold resentment against you for it. That resentment will block mirroring and feelings for you. She just wants her opinions to be heard. Opinions don’t always line up with what is essential. The truth is something that is best demonstrated and seen. Arguing contrary emotions is best reserved for the concealment of the truth, when you are caught in a lie and need to protect your reputation. Always guard your reputation. Do not ever defend yourself against a complaint unless she has caught on to a lie and the truth of the lie would be worse. When you defend the truth, you risk her resenting what is true, and thus becoming disgusted with you. Then she may be motivated to change her patterns and get rid of you. You can create and maintain a pattern of behavior, so long as you can avoid escalating an argument to the point of her disgust and contempt.
Quit expecting people to like you and affirm you - if you depend on them for this, it makes you look weak. You must love yourself and be the source of affirmation. Power is about providing for other people’s needs in a way that that makes you essential. This frees you to take what you want. Everything is about sex except sex. Sex is about power. A man provides. A man guides the pattern and maintains it. Provide her a strongly positive physical and emotional lead. She may have complaints for you, but complaints are not as powerful as affirmation and concrete actions. If she wants the essentials that you provide, than she must allow you to guide the dance and accept your support. If her complaints and negative outlook can not infect your thoughts and feelings, she has little power over you. If you have made yourself essential to her and empower her, she’s dependent on you for her empowerment. It is likely she will complain about you from time to time, or even complain often. It is critical that you do not defend yourself against her criticisms. Listen. Provide different options for you to provide for her empowerment, and have faith in her. Complaining is acceptable. Disgust and Contempt are harmful to your reputation. The latter stems from your own defensiveness. Carefully monitor yourself for the appearance of defensiveness.
How does one avoid being defensive? The key is self-affirmation. When you suspect a criticism is coming your way, start a process of self-affirmation in advance. The trick is to self-affirm before the feedback. Avoid being taken by surprise. To take control - self affirm first (in your mind), then affirm her value (tell her), then elicit the feedback “Something I love about you is…”…“How did you feel when..”. Criticisms are always past-oriented. You must affirm your essential qualities, and the other’s essential qualities, then get everyone excited about the future possibilities, than guide the progress. She’s going to think “he listens to me! He “gets” me!” Listen, then provide affirmations of value. The more she mirrors your lead, the more she will mirror your pattern of cross-affirmation.
Pheromone Advice
If she says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and she no longer accepts your sexual advances then you had better be careful with TUTH. It can be a double edged sword. If she is no longer into you sexually it could creep her out. But if she is still attracted to you it might make her want you really badly. If she is on the fence with you TUTH might be a good product to get her to jump off. You just can’t predict on what side she will end up.
IG might be good to strengthen the bond between you and her and put the idea in her head that you would be an excellent boyfriend. This will backfire if she perceives you as a weak male. This one is a double edged sword in your situation as well.
Non Pheromone Advice
If she can sense that you need her really badly you are fucked. She will feel that off of you and she will be repelled. You need to get your head on straight and pursue her because you desire her.
If deep down you are coming from a place of need rather than desire then give up now and save yourself a lot of pain.
If you can develop enough self confidence quickly where you are immune to her responses towards you and you pursue her out of desire then you have a great chance to win her back.