Hello everyone!
I need your help.
tl;dr is situated at the end of the post, feel free to skip to it for less information!
I’m 33yo male from Finland. You can call me John. I already know some of you, having read your forum and learning what might save me. Nice to meet you all!
Without wanting to sound cocky, I’m fine sporty looking (although I haven’t exercised until recently), very intelligent (and can use my wits), fun, charming (if I want to), independent, great lover etc. Everything your average woman would like in a man.
I have no problem getting ladies to like and want me… except the one I want, my true soulmate. This is almost literally killing me.
You see, my story of few recent years is like this:
Until 29yo, I had lived all of my life single and loving it. I had fun with ladies. Of course I liked some of them, some even a lot, but never actually knew what love feels like. I thought the feeling didn’t exist, at least for me.
I never wanted anyone by my side, and never had a long relationship with anyone. It just didn’t feel worth it. I liked my freedom and there was no woman who felt like I could live the rest of my life with.
…Until I met the one.
I can’t even describe the feeling I first got to know her, and I’m not joking. It felt like she saw right through me, straight to the very center of my soul. Through all the bs and “the mask of personality” almost everyone is wearing, some stronger than others. My “mask” is very strong, but for her it wasn’t. For her my mask didn’t exist. She didn’t even notice it, but reached right to my heart with her eyes and with every word she said. I knew right away she was something very, very special, something I had never known before. With her I could feel free, really be myself and I felt …complete.
We live some 50 miles apart and didn’t see each other very often, but talked through SMS and Internet over the following months and got to know each other.
(It should be mentioned her mother, the most important person in her life lives in the same town as I do and that’s why she spends so much of her time here.)
I couldn’t wait to get home from work and chat with her until it was bedtime. There was nothing I’d rather do than spend time with her, either in person or chatting over the internet. Both of us hate speaking on the phone, so that wasn’t our thing.
In addition to that, we had pretty much everything in common. We had similar sense of humor, liked the same movies & TV series, browsed the same sites on the Internet, liked the same everything, our opinions about everything were the same. Only our taste of music was different.
After a couple of months things evolved into a more serious kind of relationship. At first she told me she didn’t want to be involved with anyone right then, that she needed time for just herself. I managed to persuade her and so it begun.
She had been in relationships practically non-stop since 15yo. She was 25yo at the time and I became her 6th boyfriend. She had ended all the previous relationships herself, due to “not feeling strong enough love” for any of them (I’ll tell you more about this later on.)
So, the next 2 years she was my girlfriend. We saw each other every weekend, either I travelled to her or she came to see me. I was always happy when I was with her. I was so happy to spend my time with her, no matter what we did together I enjoyed it. We both liked each others company very much and had great time together. When we didn’t see each other on weekdays, we’d text and chat online every single day. When I think back on that time, I realize it was the best time of my life. Too bad I didn’t understand it at the time.
You know how it goes, at first something is awesome. After a while you get used to it and it becomes everyday thing. Only after you lose it, you understand what it really meant… I will never let that happen again.
Sometimes she would say she felt empty, but I just shrugged it off thinking it wasn’t that serious. Everything was perfect. Except she never said she loved me. I never said it either, because I didn’t know what it meant.
After two years of perfect happiness she came to me one weekend, crying. She said she just couldn’t be with me anymore as she just didn’t feel enough. The breakup process took the whole weekend, us both crying over how wrong it felt, what a waste it was to end a relationship when nothing was wrong. We both agreed everything was just perfect, just as we both liked it and it should be. She just couldn’t feel love.
One moment during the breakup process she said “let’s not split up, this is crazy”, to which I replied that it wasn’t worth it to continue if she didn’t feel love. I consider this to be the single greatest mistake of my life. I just didn’t realize just how much she meant to me, and how much I really loved her. Otherwise I would have done anything to get her to stay. I still would do anything to get her back.
I asked her if it would make any difference if I had said I loved her, and she replied that I never had to say anything, she had always seen it in me, right from the beginning. She apologized for never being able to say she loved me, and I thanked her for her honesty. It was over. We agreed to stay friends.
She felt she was broken when she couldn’t feel love for a perfect man. She told she had only loved two men in her lifetime, and the last time had been seven years ago. She got into therapy to help her with her emotional issues. I told you earlier she had ended all of her relationships because of the same reason.
During the next month or two we chatted casually on the internet but didn’t see each other much. I somehow couldn’t feel comfortable around her being just friends.
I got back to my “old life”, hitting nightlife and meeting other girls. Soon I realized I didn’t enjoy it anymore. I enjoyed sex with other women, but it was just sex and they were just nice women, nothing special. I missed her, and my special connection with her.
I remembered how Ozzy Osbourne described feeling of love in his memoir. He said it felt like you just couldn’t feel complete anymore without the one you love. And that was exactly how I felt. Gradually I understood how much she had meant to me and realized I really had been in love with her the whole awesome 2 years and still was. There was a hole inside of my heart and my soul and it hurt so bad.
This is where I made a choice. I know enough psychology to know the “best way to get her back” is to make her want you back. Instead I chose the path of complete openness. We had been completely honest about everything and I chose to continue this, hoping she would appreciate it. I still hope she does. She knows exactly how I feel about her, I know how she feels, what she talks about in therapy, she knows I know everything I’m writing to you now… You get the picture. We had no secrets and I believe we still don’t.
Maybe everything is not told, but I have never caught her lying. Everything she has told me has been independently confirmed by someone else. She knows me very well and I know her maybe better than anyone, or at least better than she knows I know her.
The only thing she doesn’t know in this post is the very fact that I’m posting here and looking to start a chemical lovefare.
I chose to respect the openness and continue being open and honest. I told her about my feelings for her and hoped we’d get back together some day. She said she understood but right now she just had to be by herself, and that she was happier alone.
So, fast forward here to half a year after our breakup.
During that time chat on the net on a few days of the week, few text messages a week, just being friends, but not letting her forget how I feel, without being too intimidating.
Sent her a single rose to work on Valentines’ (probably causing few unhappy coworkers to yell their spouses as it was the only flower delivery of the day and it was from a divorcee, lol). She thanked for the flower and said it felt awesome, but that she also felt bad for receiving it, since she felt like a failure for leaving me.
Got to know her friends better, they agreed our relationship had seemed perfect. We were a perfect couple, they said. I had to agree on that.
Befriended her mother, later we have become good friends. Her mother has told me I was the best of all the men she has ever had. Her mother really likes me and would like to see us back together so much she literally prays for us. I hear I’d be the best possible husband for her, which is something I also have to agree with.
Fast forwarding to 1 year after our breakup.
During that time the occasional text message and internet chat few times a week. A walk & talk once a month or so.
Remembering to let her know about my feelings. Always being polite, fun, ending every chat session complimenting her, wishing sweet dreams etc. Being the nicest man I possibly can be.
Around our 1 year apart I take her for a surprise hot balloon ride and give her a long love letter, telling her how strongly I feel about her, how much I miss her. why I feel what I feel, ask for another chance. Ask for her to never forget what I was like. Add a rose for her for added drama. I’m becoming a damn drama queen…
She thanks for the ride, rose & letter and says she feels miserable because I’m so nice to her and she just can’t.. just can’t.
After two weeks she writes me a letter in which she tells how I’m perfect, always know what she wants, how I do things one sees in movies but never believes someone does them for real. That I’m everything she ever wanted and she feels so broken, ashamed, bad for not wanting to be with me.
After this letter we talked about everything, and I came to understand how all of her problems with feelings, including love, seem to originate from her difficult childhood, most notably dad dying when she was 2yo and absent mom earning livelihood for the children.
Talking with her mother I realize I never understood how much her past affects her now. Spoke about it with her, openly as usual, and this is the stuff she’s going through in her therapy. Her therapist says she needs to “feel what she wants to feel” and “time will tell if I can have a relationship with someone in the future.”
She tells me she can’t promise me anything but being my friend. Future will tell everything else, she says.
Fast forwarding to 1y 4m after our breakup. (2 months ago)
I figure that if I really would be ready to give my life for her, I will do just that.
I’ll wait until she figures out her feelings, no matter what they will be. I’m not putting my life on hold for her, but I’ll wait for her as long as I can.
I write her a 10 page letter, tell her everything I feel like I should say if I died tomorrow. Promise her not to write her anymore. Tell her I have had other relationships, and will have more, but that I’ll wait until she knows herself and what she wants. Tell her that she’s always going to be the one for me and that I’ll WAIT for her as long as I can.
Have a talk with her, I ask if there’s any chance if we’ll ever get together again. She answers that “at this moment, I don’t think so.” That felt so bad.
Now:
Went to a New Year’s party with a hot FWB (friend with benefits), knowing my loved one was there. Wanted to see what happens, but nothing special happened. Later I heard from her mother she had told her I had a new girlfriend at the party, and that she had been happy for me, not jealous as I had hoped..
Haven’t had any contact since. I don’t want her to feel intimidaded and want to see if she is willing to contact me first. Likely not.
I feel like I’m further and further in the friendzone, so taking some distance might be a good idea anyway.
I’ve made it very clear to her that I can never be an ordinary friend to her, but right now my options are to be in the friendzone or not having contact at all.
She has a strong fear of abandonment, so she’s always trying to keep her ex-bf:s as friends.
Here is my problem: If I am her friend, she will think of me as a friend. If I don’t keep in touch, she’ll forget how good she feels when she’s with me.
This is where I’m hoping pheromones will help. I want to send a message I’m her friend, but never just a friend. In the end I want all of her or nothing.
I want to send her a message I’m the only man she ever needs by her side.
I’m not her brother or everyday friend. I’m the only boyfriend and future husband she’ll ever want. I want to take good care of her for the rest of my life and be kind and loving man for the rest of her (or mine) life, but sometimes just f*** her brains out in a non-friend kind of way.
Some of her friends say I’m a fool to wait for her (as probably do some of you), including her best female friend. They say this has all happened many times before, and she has never given any of her boyfriends another chance.
I like thinking, and I’m good at it. I’ve thought about our relationship and situation in general for hundreds, even thousands of hours and I think there’s hope, even if right now it’s very complicated.
The facts giving me hope just are:
- I’m the one she thinks was perfect for her in every way, as do her mother and friends. We were a perfect couple.
- The breakup was really uncertain, like she would have wanted to continue but just couldn’t.
- I know for a fact she is not completely over me (too long story to tell here). I want to make sure she never gets over me.
- I was the one she went to therapy for not being able to feel love.
- She has never said never, always “for now”, “at this moment” etc.
- She needs time.
- I genuinely feel I still have a chance.
The most importantly of all: I don’t think I have a choice.
I’m a fool in love, not a moron. I think there are millions of other soulmates for me out there, but this one is so very special I have to do and try everything I can to get her back and true happiness in my life.
You see, although I believe there are millions of better girls for me out there, having known so many women and lived for this long, I honesly do not think I have enough lifetime left to find anyone as special and perfect.
I HAVE to try everything and anything I can to win this one back to my life.
I HAVE to wait and see how this turns out. Of course I’ll take someone else if I find, but I honestly don’t think I ever will.
Believe me, I wouldn’t want to be in this situation. I just can’t help the fact that there’s a woman I love, the first and only love of my life. I’d so much want to just continue living as usual, but it’s not possible any more.
I know I’ll break bad if it turns out I can’t have her, but that’s something I’ll worry then. Right now I just concentrate in her and getting her back. Any way I can.
So… There it is, the situation.
ANY comments, suggestions, pheromone tips, questions, anything is more than welcome.
I’ve thought I’d keep non-person contact to minimum, while trying to have more time with her in person, like going for a drive, coffee, whatever, and let pheromones do the talking.
From all I’ve read, I’m thinking starting with IS to remind her how she feels around me, then slowly adding AMMO to let her know I’m not an ordinary friend, p74 for “boyfriend material”, A314 for increased value, IH for trust and at some point I hope I’ll have use for TUTH. Need advice especially on TUTH, straight from the beginning of pheromone introduction or just when I know she’s ready to be “picked”?
I’ll continue to have fun with other girls in the meantime, and in general I’m very interested in studying more about pheromones. I had always thought the only pheromones were the general ones from the sex shop (which don’t seem to do anything) until I found this site.
Regardless of if I’m getting The One back, I think I’m going to have very good time studying pheromone world!
Thanks for reading and thanks for your help. With your permission, I’d like to copy this message to the advice board as well to get more advice (obviously).
tl;dr: Can get girls to fall in love, except the one who is the Right One. Beginning chemical lovefare in 3… 2… 1…
-AT
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