I love you but I'm not in love with you

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Men's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports
1

Last night the love of my life broke up with me with that line. “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. She says she doesn’t want to date me anymore but can’t imagine me out of her life. We’re currently long distance but close enough (Syracuse, NY & Central NJ) to where we were able to see each other every couple of weeks. We’ve been doing this since January.

Intimacy had gone down. Way down. It stopped. I personally have a lot of hang ups from bad past experiences. I had been working through them & was confident I could. And I pretty much made a break though. I started making a lot more advances towards her. But the most cutting irony was that they were turned down. She doesn’t have a desire for intimacy anymore. It had been stagnant for so long that her sexual desire atrophied.

We had a cabin weekend planned at the end of August & we both agreed that we would still do it. We’re gonna take a good, long break, do the cabin, & see where we stand. So I thought I might come here & get some [phero]advice.

It’s actually been a really long time since I’ve used pheromones. My go-to product was always Instant Gentleman. I almost always applied that wherever I went. I didn’t use a ton of anything around her, except for Turn Up The Heat when we started dating & we were sexual. So I’m looking for advice on what to use. I clearly don’t want to launch right in to TUTH. We have a lot we need to discuss. I want to continue to cultivate our love for each other. But I also want to bring back the intimacy in a non-forceful way. Most of all. I want her to be in love with me again. I don’t want to manipulate, but in my heart I believe it’s there. So on top of any pheromone advice I would really appreciate some relationship device when it comes to this type of situation.

2

This is about the worst thing anyone in a relationship can hear! :frowning:

It also often has other sub-meanings - eg “I won’t shit or get off the pot” or worse still, “If you stick around, I’m going to make your life hell-on earth”

So no matter how much you want her to remain with you in some way, you will do far better to get right out of her life FTM. It may be that she will become attracted to you again but the chances are low and the best way for that to happen is for you to get right out of her life, then re-introduce yourself with a radically different attitude and possibly phero signature as well.

So if you are going to that cabin with her, try cutting contact to the absolute bare minimum from now till then. For whatever reason you can think-of but be upbeat, positive and busy to her, no matter what you feel yourself.

Phero-wise - how old is she? IS/IH is a good combo for bonding/re-connecting in a positive way (IH alone can go-negative) and that is good to help get issues out in the open air.

If she has previously responded to IG, it might be that the more adult status vibe of A314 will help her realise what she is missing but then again, if she’s afraid of a relationship, a good solid LTR vibe could be the last thing she needs and you might be better concentrating on a fun and in the-moment vibe with something like MX297 instead.

You are right to hold-off on a sexual, initially but be prepared to introduce one if she gets more relaxed and open to getting horny as love seldom flourishes from nonsexual bonding situations alone. TUTH will do well with any of the above.

Sadly, no phero will make someone fall in love with you but if there is the merest spark of attraction left, you can capitalise on that with various types of fallout mix but these will need much longer to take-hold than just a cabin weekend. You should maybe read-up the various fallout threads over the next couple of weeks and think hard about if you want to take that road. Getting shot of a developed fallout can be quite a challenge and they can keep coming back for literally years even if you no longer have any interest in them.

3

Thank you so much for your insightful reply. She’s 23, I’m 30. I’ll be looking over everything as I get closer to a time I know I’ll see here. Avoidance isn’t really an issue since we’re about 300 miles away from each other.

4

Suggest you start looking sooner than later as some of your options will require a bit of testing to get your doses right.

Also by contact - I mean all contact by any media, not just direct physical contact. She needs to start “missing you” right now.

5

I know, but we’ve had & have a couple video chats set up. We’ve been talking about some of our issues. These are important. What I plan on suggesting on our next one is to completely cut communication then reunite at the cabin. No good? What if she texts me? Do I just ignore her? We kind of have to set a date to see each because of the distance. It’s not like I can just casually bump in to her.

Also, how do I ‘test’ these? With other people?

6

No, don’t tell her anything explicitly and TBH, having a heart to heart about issues is often a true passion-killer. Its somehow like a woman is looking for you to provide confirmation/justification of all the reasons she had to break-up with you.

Something needs to come-up, then be busy don’t encourage contact or explain much and keep any replies to the bare minimum for politeness sake and don’t feel the need to answer everything. It miight seem quite malicious, counter-intuitive and in some ways I suppose it is but being available all the time to her is something that often contributes to situations like yours and a bit of space and wondering about what you might be up to often concentrates a womans feelings surprisingly well - and TBH, she should be getting the message that she won’t be having you on any level if the relationship is over.

And TBH, these things don’t often come out of the blue - She may have someone else in her sights now but is not ready to say-so yet and you need to be in a place where you are emotionally detached enough to be ready to hear that from her. This ability to detach is often another way to concentrate a woman’s feelings for you most effectively.

7

She says she doesn’t want to date anyone. She wants to just be on her own. So in my heart I don’t think she has anyone in her sights. It is a concern of mine, but I think she was being very sincere when she told me this. That said… I don’t think I could ever be emotionally detached :frowning:

“having a heart to heart about issues is often a true passion-killer.”

According to what? We had a heart to heart last night & it seemed like a big relief for the both of us.

“she should be getting the message that she won’t be having you on any level”

What do you mean by “having me”?

8

Sorry - but literally every woman who has said that to me (and that’s a lot more than I’d care to admit here :frowning: ) has been into a new relationship within the month - most often its been quicker as they already had the next guy lined-up, even if they had not actually started anything with them yet. The only times I’ve seen a woman exit a relationship to be by herself for any length of time has been in the wake of some pretty serious physical or emotional abuse and you do not strike me as that kind of guy. However this does suggest you may want to concentrate on a lighter/fun/playful/sexy and not very serious phero sig as a serious/LTR-oriented vibe might be totally at odds with her current mindset.

Yes, it may well have made both of you feel better but for very different reasons - you might have thought you were resolving things but she might have got relief from your confirming her still internalised reasons to end-it.

As anything - not a friend, not someone to help her-out or to talk to when she feels lonely and down and especially not as the guy she turns to when her next lover turns-out to be everything you are not. That is the very last place you want to be if you have any lingering feelings for her.

9

And if you can’t be detached, the very last place you want to be is alone in a cabin with her if she drops the bomb - You really need to be able to exit yourself, for the sake of your own personal dignity/mental health and so you don’t suffer quite so-much.

10

We just got out of a 3 year relationship. Do you think she would go to someone within a month? Of all the gals you were with, were they ever long term? I have abused her in the sense that I withheld sex from her. While being in an intensely loving relationship. It’s a great shame of mine.

I hear you on all other points. I do know the value of holding back. With a set date to talk on video chat, how should I tell her I won’t be on? Flat out ignore her? I do eventually want to circle it back around to seeing her. In a couple weeks or a month or whatever.

As far as your comment about being in a cabin with her if she drops a bomb like that, I think it’s like saying you won’t ever leave the house because you might get hit by a car. I can’t conduct my life on maybes & what ifs. Are you suggesting I exit altogether? Because that’s not what I want to do. I really do hear your points, though. Overall I do think it’s best to take a big step back.

11

“I love you but I’m not in love with you” is THE DEATH BLOW to all relationships. It’s the dumbest arrangement of words I have ever heard!

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS, to me, are for those who do NOT want to be in a relationship.

Cut the string, and cross your fingers. You’re ONLY teasing yourself, as my guess would be, she already has someone/there’s someone she thinks is more interesting/she’s being influenced by friends. Either or, doesn’t sound like there’s love is involved. As humans, we all really want what we can’t have, and we’ll sacrifices ourselves to get it/keep it. When someone doesn’t want to be with you, cut the string. You’re gonna torture yourself, as it seems you already well on your way.

Did you stop using mones once you got in the door? If you did, you snatched away the fire. Thing with men is, once they’re in the door, they, for some reason, turn into complete pussies! Not all, but I’d be willing to bet MOST.

Personally, right back to TUTH, and if it works. You know it was her missing THAT FIRE.

And at that age, the word on the street is NEEDY and CLINGY. A definite NO NO!

And I would NOT do the cabin thing since she loves you, but she’s not in love with you. But that’s me.

Her: Are we still going to the cabin?

Me: No. If you’re not in love with me, there’s no use in you wasting your time.

Good luck!

12

Cut tele-contact until the cabin trip. You don’t have to explain why you cancelled the scheduled calls, or only make brief replies. It may even be better to leave her wondering. Tell her that something came up that ‘it’s not your place to discuss’ and you’ll be really busy “the next week or two” – which will flow into a third week. Next thing you know, it’ll be cabin time. Don’t offer details, but don’t be evasive and definitely don’t lie. it really is ‘not appropriate’ to discuss these plans with her

If she plays the “you don’t trust me” card, well, if SHE doesn’t know where the two of you stand, you can’t either, and need to do some thinking too (“for both our sakes”) Love --and the common “in love” schism she has invoked, doesn’t really work if it doesn’t flow both ways. (Note: we all know that many happily married partners feel “in-love is just a phase” yet love each other deeply, daily.)

You’re almost certainly not going to fix this remotely. It must be in person. And I see NO reason not to start with TUTH 30-60 minutes before you step off the train (with maybe something stronger in reserve, but don’t overdo it out of the gate). I don’t often advise pushing the sexual without setting a solid foundation – but you HAVE a solid foundation, or you have nothing. She unilaterally set one agenda. Let pheromones help you set another.

“She needs time to think” and “we need to sort things out” are NOT the balanced moderate responses that you’ll want to kid yourself they are. She could easily have thought without changing the nature of your relationship – so it generally means she HAS thought about it, and is trying to minimize her discomfort and adjustment. She gets to keep what she likes and ditch the rest. Win/win --you lose!

You want to have a good heart to heart? Great. There’s nothing wrong with doing it, mutually sated, in bed. Let her miss you. Don’t help her ease into the breakup. Let her unconsciously feel the tingle in her loins as you step off the train/plane/car (a VERY emotionally powerful moment, as I’m sure you’ve experienced yourself). Let her wonder why she suddenly feels attracted to you.

She needs to think? Let her need to think about THAT!

We are biological beings. You want a biological relationship. Why don’t you get to set an agenda just as much as she does? You’re just wiser, and play a deeper game.

Under no circumstances dismiss the possibility that she is interested in someone else, esp not at 23. Also don’t underestimate the power of letting her wonder, just a little, if you may be losing interest in her. Look up “loss aversion” – it’s potent. Heck, half the proposals I know came after some sort of (near)breakup

13

There are several reasons why I waited a couple of days to answer this - not least because its going into some very dark places for me.

Yes - As well as some whom I was in the prelude to a proper LTR stage with, there were three which equaled or exceeded yours by some margin. Two I was actually engaged to. In one case, the reason she dragged the end out painfully over several months was because the no-mark guy who had turned her head was effectively homeless and struggling to find somewhere for them to live - so yes, when she finally ditched me it was to go and live in a trailer park. Leaving me to shoulder both halves of our mortgage or lose the roof over my head - Digging myself out of that mess was probably the toughest period of my life!

The other one - Well, yes I was puzzled when a previously quite private woman put her name on the flat doorbell - she’d never felt the need to in all our time together (this time I kept my place/she kept hers!) and I only found-out why later, after all the efforts and emotional yo-yo-ing in the last few weeks to keep us together, it was because she intended to get her new guy straight round the moment I was finally out the door - so it was probably less than 24hours. It was apparently “important” to her to not be seen as the one who had cheated/broken-up with me, so instead she simply chiseled the relationship down with “I love you but I’m not in love with you” and relationship debates till it was utterly dead. Within a few months, she was doing the “I’ve made a great mistake” thing and started to try to use me as her emotional tampon - I took him for a drink and politely asked him to ensure she never troubled me again. Within days she had dumped him and was begging me back - no chance!

Yes, people do couch that as abuse - and maybe in some ways it is, esp when other aspects of control are brought to bear. Sex is important in maintaining a loving relationship and withholding it will have played a part in her losing feelings for you but I sense other issues here which may balance things on your side. The sort of abuse I’m thinking-on included serious controlling/demeaning behaviour and several shades of physical violence, up to stabbing the poor woman twenty seven times and leaving her for dead - It was over a decade before she dared get into a relationship again!

You need to find a reasonably plausable and brief reason why you can’t make the call but don’t dwell on it after that or explain/placate too much. Then you need to keep contact minimal till you can see her in person - Yes, its a challenge and you both may learn something from it good or bad.

Another story - I was away for a long weekend with this woman I’d been seeing for some time, also a sort of LTR but not so far - we could see each other most weekends (she was the one after trailer-park woman). So after a couple of years of this, we were going so-well together, I finally decided to pop the question - and I did-so early, on the Friday night, not the Saturday as I’d planned - And she said yes! However, on Sunday morning, she rolled over to me in bed and said “Look Mobo, I love you but I’m not in love with you, I can’t marry you” - and that was it. We still had two days to go and although I did the right and gentlemanly thing, I really can’t describe the stress/pain and where my head went till I was finally away from her. It made the coming to terms with this a whole order of magnitude harder - I should have walked there and then. Within a week she was back with her ex. I didn’t look at another woman for four years - then I found my way here! :wink:

I could go-on but… :frowning:

14

Or who are unwilling/unable to maintain a relationship - I could go-on for ages about various women I know who use LDRs as a way of keeping several guys in a pattern, wholly for their benefit.

Strangely, I’m the one they keep offering it no-strings to - Pheros maybe?

Where are you hiding yourself M&M - we need your “delicate” way with words a lot more round here! :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley:

15

Sounds like how things went down with my ex. Lovely girl, same age, 4 year long relationship through high school (not the best of years to use as reference). We ‘took a break’ before a large social event and got back together for a little while. Never really was the same, broke up again more permenantly and she found someone and married them within a week (Which to this day she regrets).

16

She’s already moved on and by moving on I mean banging some other dude. Sorry, but that’s what’s up.

You, on the other hand, needs to do the same. Cut all contact with her and start meeting new women.

If you do this you’re going to realise that there’s literally THOUSANDS of women both hotter and better than your ex just waiting for you to explore them, if you don’t.. Well then you’re stuck with your d*ck in your hand while your ex is getting a new orgasm with her new dude every 2 minutes.

Not trying to be harsh but you need to wake up, brother. Good luck!

17

Its another term for “I still love you but Im breaking up with you.” :smiley:

Those very words experienced entering my ears, piercing my heart and putting my brain in disorder.

My ex declared those to me after buying me a laptop and saying that she’s going to borrow it from time to time. Apparently she still wanted a connection but not as a lover anymore. She wanted me to be a friend. She’s buying my friendship because she knew back then that she stabbed me from the back.

The next thing I know, she had a new boyfriend a month before she sang those words to me. Apparently, the new bf is coming and she wanted to come clean to him and thus its time for her to dispatch me out of her life.

I think that’s what she’s doing to you too. The cabin outing is a favor that she can always pull out whenever a bad argument comes out: “I even agreed to come and yet you are treating me like this” thing.

I returned the laptop and cut all communications. Yes I stayed in my room for weeks because I still remember her when Im going to familiar places I used to go to with her. Made myself busy doing some profitable things, and, my apology to the ladies, looked for a new girl to replenish my bruised ego.

And so, do heed the brother’s advice dude. Tell her you got the message and you don’t need to make a fool out of yourself. There’s no reason to go out there with her if she doesnt love you anymore, specially that she has moved on and viewing you differently now. Your continued contact with her will only strengthen her belief that she did you no wrong.

And that’s the reason why exes do not become friends.

Use your pheros to woo in a new lady into your life. Life is so short to waste it dwelling on a dead end.

Move out and move on. And don’t forget your pheros. Someone prettier, and hotter is out there for your taking. :slight_smile:

Good luck! :slight_smile:

18

Thanks, Mobo!

I’m always around. Just spending lots of time playing with other toys still in search for the next Panty Dropper.

As for the rest of you … if you have a girlfriend that breaks up with you, and then returns … it’s an old school method for sleeping with someone she found interesting/gave her new life. She may want to stay connected so that IF he doesn’t work out, she can come back. THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK! smh

THE EGO is a hard thing to control, and as life goes on, you look back and realize, it wasn’t really your heart that was broken, it was your EGO. Live and learn! But please! Learn. :cool:

Women rule the world! That doesn’t mean you have to let them rule you. Never! Ever! Never-Ever! Hand over your balls!!! “Here, Honey. I’ve got you, so I don’t need them anymore!”

Sirius! Dude, kick her to the curve cold turkey! No phone calls! No vacation! No time! She’s not in love with you, and she said it in plain English. Cold turkey! And you can’t do it if you’re just sitting around THINKING. In times like this, your very own brain is your worst enemy! It will drive you nuts!!!

These are just my thoughts. I’ve been wrong before. Lots of times, too!

You’ve been WARNED. :roll_eyes:

But I’m still wishing you HAPPINESS. In whatever form that makes you so.

19

I wouldn’t be quite as negative as that, but I think that’s a message you need to hear The odds are definitely stacked against you.

You said it yourself: she broke up with you. She just doesn’t want you to break up with her until she’s comfortable. Whether you want her back (and that’s only natural) or choose to move on, you’re not helping yourself by easing.her loss/discomfort – and it’s not fair of her to even suggest it.

I’m sure that most of us have won someone back at some time, perhaps even for years. I’ve done it many times – but I can’t think of a single time I’ve done it by proving I was even nicer than she thought. That can work when things are rocky in an intact relationship, but not after a breakup.

Old joke: “how can I miss you, if you won’t ever leave?”

If you do go to the cabin with her (we are all weak mortals at times), be ABSOLUTELY prepared to leave early. Invest in an early return ticket; have a nearby friend poised to “drop by”; make it as easy to walk out as possible, and if you even ask “should I leave?”, DO IT! It’s not a question.

Also, M&M was right about ego. In fact, the last time I got my heart broken, almost 30 years ago (but I’d started dating unusually early and at a fast pace, so I’d had LOTS of heartbreak before then), I privately realized that my ego was broken more than my heart – but I let myself work up a terrible emotional turmoil. In my case, we’d lived together for years, so I had to amputate big parts of my life to make a clean break. Your girl isn’t part of your daily life. Wouldn’t you prefer someone who was?

Now that I think about it, when I finally gave up, my girl tried HARD to stay friends, but I was drained. I didn’t have anything to say, so I gave only minimal noncommittal feedback to be polite. My indifference shocked her into reconsidering, but though part of me still wanted her back, I just couldn’t deal with the drama anymore. Our mutual friends told me she was still talking about me years later.

Ironically, in my case, “I loved her but wasn’t in love with her” and vice versa for her. We’d been fine with this, because we believed that love and a good partnership were enough to build a great life–until her lapse.

I won’t pretend my love life has been pure mature wisdom since then, but it was a bright line moment. EVERY breakup since has been less painful, than my typical breakup before it, and the ones that were rocky were entirely due to holes in my own life, in my ego, at that particular time.

Forget “if you love someone set her free…” There’s a truth there, trying to push the right action by indulging our impulse to yearn for her return, but yearning won’t help. In truth: “if she’s escaping, let her, because you’ll only hurt yourself clinging to her rear bumper on the highway.”

20

Are joking??? How do you get out off a long relationship like that marry someone else in a week?

That’s so unbelievable to me