Learnings of a Twisted Ostrich - Phase 2

[TwistedOstrich]

I’ve been looking at myself very critically the past few weeks. I don’t think I would have admitted this before but a lot of my actions keep coming back to he same motivations. That I seek validation and sometimes compromise myself for the approval of others. I don’t like it.

Interesting observation on the topic.
Validation / Approval Seeking: No More, I’m Done

[TwistedOstrich]

I haven’t gone out much in the past while but I have been learning video editing software and social media tools

But have been having problems focusing, easily distracted, thoughts running off with mixed emotions… So I thought I’d try a little test for focusing.

I have
P79 1x @10mcg
P102 1x @10mcg
TAF 1x @10mcg

See where that takes me, I’ll fiddle with combination’s of it though the week and see what effects my productivity.

[SteveO]

P79 has always amplified mood for me. If I’m in a distracted mood it makes it all the more distracted. Might wanna watch out for that

How are you doing on validation seeking?

[TwistedOstrich]

@Steve

P79 has always amplified mood for me. If I’m in a distracted mood it makes it all the more distracted. Might wanna watch out for that

How are you doing on validation seeking?

Its funny I did try those three out, started feeling like spaceland and took a nap. I woke up and I had a step by step plan in my head of what I was trying to sort out before. I didn’t know that about P79, I’ll keep that in mind not to use on a night I’m going out and feel tired lol.

As for the validation seeking, knowing is half the battle… but as for the other half its an exercise of identifying circumstances, looking at my emotions associated and finding what is optimal. Sometimes its simple, just say no and get used to it. Other cases where it effects friendships and long standing habits the change may have to be gradual.

Some happenings in your head are too much to overcome just by yourself so on that avenue I am seeking professional guidance.

[SteveO]

It can be a daunting task at times that appears as if its never going to stop. I’ve been there and still struggle with lots of adverse behaviors. Keep fighting through it, knowing that everyday there will be some setbacks and obstacles, but that each one should be looked upon as an opportunity to get better. Best of luck TO, you have the community behind you and I’m sure you’ll do great

[TwistedOstrich]

Thanks Steve, yeah its crazy that something so bad has to happen for someone take action and or realize whats going on…

[TwistedOstrich]

Social test 5 - results from 1 to 10 = 7
Test ingredients
Instant Gentleman 2x
Instant Shine 2x
A314 1x

Situation

Went to a poker night, 4 close friends and one fiancee (she went home half way through).

Applied

30min before arriving at friends condo, lasted at least 4hours

Result

For this mix I felt the confidence that A314 + Instant Gentleman usually gives me to be somewhat amplified. No smiles, nobody could read me. Much like round 1 a few weeks ago.

This time I changed my strategy and was quiet for most the game. Only won hands I knew I could win. Then at the end went all in a few times in a row and no one wanted to challenge me.

So I won the night again… but I definitely found a difference in this mix vs having just IG and P95. When I was using P95 I was in more of a focused uplifted and cheerful confident mood. Using tonight’s mix, it did work, but I was not as focused and cheerful. If I was to do it over IG and P95 is the winner, did everything that A314 (very small amount) 2x IG and 2x IS would do and a bit more…

[SteveO]

Social test 5 - results from 1-10 = 7

The first thing you need to do is learn basic arithmetic .

[TwistedOstrich]

@Steve

The first thing you need to do is learn basic arithmetic .

I’ll simplify the report

1-10 = WINNING

[TwistedOstrich]

ughhh my heart is still fucked up

How can someone so close to you act so irrational and volatile

[SteveO]

It gets better man. In time it gets better. Not to put a lighter side on this because I do understand how traumatic these types of experiences can have on someone, but Harris did say A314 has a fallout effect. In several reports stalking has been reported on.

[TwistedOstrich]

Social test 6 - results from 1 to 10 = 8 Intent: relax and think
Test ingredients
Meo-est 2x 25mcg
TAC 3x 10mcg
P102 2x 10mcg
Bnol 2x 10mcg
P75 1x 2.5mcg

Situation

Went to a resume clinic

Applied

1 hour before arriving at location, lasted 5hours

Result

So I’ve been reading the notes of the late, great tacitus. What a great mind, he really gave us a gift of being here. I was interested in trying to relax all the anxiety I’ve had recently and focus my thoughts.

The self effects were amazing from this mix, even though I was running around my mind was at ease but full of thoughts and piecing together puzzles I didn’t have the momentum or brain power to accomplish for some time.

At the location I was treated with respect. Unfortunately they thought my resume was perfect, but instead wanted to give me lots of freebies and extra attention for different extra curricular options.

I noticed my voice sounded much more deeper and confident when I spoke. Also thoughts seemed to flow more freely when there was music playing such as in the car, or afterwards when I went to the gym. A bit less free flowing thought when I was in the quieter meeting room.

Definitely going to look into combinations with TAC & Meo-est in the future

[TwistedOstrich]

An interesting comment in the last of tacitus’ posts, I believe similar to the deduction in the first post of this journal. Changing behavioral patterns I believe genetically we wouldn’t otherwise be able to change, but the pheromones serve as a catalyst to do so. Especially through encountered self effects and how we react to the world.

Interesting read, we must carry this flame on…

@tacitus

Fine and well… there was a phase not too long ago where something indefinite began to shift in the way I was relating to people, the pheromone experiments appeared to allow my brain to wire in new social circuits in ways I hadn’t appreciated, and even now do not understand…

What does it all mean, Sherlock ? I deduce that over time the pheromones had unconsciously got me into novel behavior patterns that are either too gnereral, too subtle, too nuanced… such as they can’t be easily written down or put in instructional form… and slowly but surely these attiitudes-behaviors-thought patterns began to fuse into a personal social style...

So here’s one (more) vote for the theory that pheromones in conjunction with other behavior changing processes, learning tools, etc… actually act as “game skill development catalysts”… where eventually the pheromone might be a nice extra nudge while the real work has taken place in the mind of the user ?

He elaborates more…

@tacitus

OK.. I’lll repeat that… the real work has taken place in the mind of the user… who is the one exposed to the highest concentrations… the user, or wearer, has about 90% unconsciousness of how he (or) she is perceived by other people. Most have no idea how others see them, or really feel about them. Most behavior is unconscious, automatic pattern... and the best psychology theory tells us that the personality is strongly established before 5 years of age… and then it changes slowly, with difficulty…

Sooo.. what this also reveals is those people who are succesfull with others, either gettting good partners, or business, or whatever, probably were exposed to successful child rearing patterns which set these skills in place before there was any self consciousness…

What I believe pheromones are (partially) capable of doing is softening some of the rigid or deeply set internal structures so one can become flexible again and learn new relating patterns, assuming one is so motivated, and by practicing them over and over one is given a second chance at behavioral self patterning… so low success or frustration can change into high success or social ease…

At which point the pheromone is nice, however the success comes from deep level personal change… either of attitudes towards others or attitudes towards oneself, or expectations of how others might perceive us, or how we expect them to react to us…

[TwistedOstrich]

One last post, I associated with so much.. I must agree with this post. I belive its one of my internal desires to find parts of society that still remain ‘unprogramed’ so to speak. Be authentic, uninhibited, with none of this mental diarrhea that’s become so common. I’ve had many debates lasting till 6 in the morning on this topic with close friends… changes in society, where its all leading… To add, I really hope my self or my children are not unknowingly in a 1984 world someday.

@tacitus

Odd things… reading over all that was said three years ago, how much the temper of the times have changed… I couldn’t write the same things today, people have morphed, thanks or no thanks, into a new species of people, the deep and subtle life lessons, those fully indescribable encounters with existence, could never be lived in this vibratory state of the now as they were 3-7 years ago…technology has changed us, in some ways for the better and in some ways for distinctly worse, more ruthlessly than anyone could have imagined… we’ve become a flatter, far more programmed sort of people, living at a distant remove from what once might have been known as the unconscious self… with all the energies and mysteries that arise from the unconscious self… but we have gained an efficiency, a cog like ness… or perhaps having lived the energies directly they rendered their presence redundant… all that I wrote has the feel of emerging from a mind not my own. A younger, more naive, less rounded being still looking through a cardboard tube and thinking it was a telescope..

[PheroQuirk]

Brave New World today, 1984 the day after the collapse?

@Neil Postman

What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one. Orwell feared those who would deprive us of information. Huxley feared those who would give us so much that we would be reduced to passivity and egoism. Orwell feared that the truth would be concealed from us. Huxley feared the truth would be drowned in a sea of irrelevance. Orwell feared we would become a captive culture. Huxley feared we would become a trivial culture, preoccupied with some equivalent of the feelies, the orgy porgy, and the centrifugal bumblepuppy. As Huxley remarked in Brave New World Revisited, the civil libertarians and rationalists who are ever on the alert to oppose tyranny “failed to take into account man’s almost infinite appetite for distractions.” In 1984, Orwell added, people are controlled by inflicting pain. In Brave New World, they are controlled by inflicting pleasure. In short, Orwell feared that what we fear will ruin us. Huxley feared that our desire will ruin us.

Amusing Ourselves to Death

Decline of the West Explained

@Bruce Charlton

I was always puzzled by the submissive flaccidity of modern Western societies: the way that - although people live to maximize gratification and minimize suffering - they will in practice do little or nothing to protect their future happiness or to defend against future suffering: will indeed act such as to ensure and hasten a future of misery for themselves and their children.

So, the elite ruling class of modern societies will not preserve stability, law and order within their societies; will not try to defend their societies against external threats; will not safeguard future growth or prosperity; will not suppress those who would abolish their most cherished freedoms; will not even allow discussion of ongoing massive demographic change and its implications; will not support or promote the high culture in which they live and about which they are expert…

It is strange that people who live almost-wholly for their lifestyles will not lift a finger to maintain the conditions which support these lifestyles.

(Leaving aside, here, the desirability of these lifestyles. My point is that lifestyle is the focus of modern life; yet lifestyles fail to inspire any resolution or perceptible self-sacrifice in sustaining themselves.).

But the reason is encapsulated by “Charlton’s Law”: Things must always get worse before they can get better; because otherwise they already would be better."

When a beneficial policy is a win-win option, then it gets done automatically, and we don’t need to think about it - probably we don’t even notice it.

But most beneficial policies have a down-side. Typically, long-term benefit can be attained only at the cost of short-term disadvantage or suffering of some kind, to some people.

So that the hedonic secular goal of making life overall as pleasant as possible in the long-term is continually being subverted by the short-term and specific gratification.

The hedonic ideal has reached such an extremity among the ruling elites that they pursue policies which will in the long term lead to lifestyles that they regard as miserable and abhorrent, because effectively to prevent these outcomes makes them feel bad now.

In other words, secular hedonism cannot take tough decisions.

A tough decision is precisely a decision in which the correct decision leads to short term harm.

I first recognized this dilemma in medicine, when it is often the case that in order to make a person probably feel better overall in the long term, they must suffer immediate and certain short term misery: for example, surgery. Surgeons live with this on a daily basis, and consequently to be a good surgeon requires a ‘tough’ attitude.

Of course surgery requires many other things too, and most tough decisions are bad - but the point is that someone who was psychologically unable to make tough decisions, but always sought to maximize the immediate comfort and well-being of patients and to take minimum risk, would be a bad surgeon.

Modern society is soft in precisely this fashion - its rulers have lost the ability take tough decisions: to seek long term benefits when these come at the price the cost of short term costs to themselves.

The ultimate reason is, I believe, that humans can only make tough decisions when these are supported by transcendental aims, in the sense that humans do not want to forgo short term gratification in this world unless life is about something more than gratification – and where non-worldly realities (God, heaven, truth, beauty etc.) are seen as more real and more enduring than immediate gratification - and therefore more important.

@Fr Seraphim Rose

"[Modern life has become] a constant search for “fun” which, by the way, is a word totally unheard of in any other vocabulary; in 19th century Russia they wouldn’t have understood what this word meant, or any serious civilization.

"Life is a constant search for “fun” which is so empty of any serious meaning that a visitor from any 19th-century country, looking at our popular television programs, amusement parks, advertisements, movies, music—at almost any aspect of our popular culture—would think he had stumbled across a land of imbeciles who have lost all contact with normal reality.

"It is important for us to realize, as we try ourselves to lead a Christian life today, that the world which has been formed by our pampered times makes demands on the soul, whether in religion or in secular life, which are what one has to call totalitarian.

"The message of this universal temptation that attacks men today—quite openly in its secular forms, but usually more hidden in its religious forms—is: Live for the present, enjoy yourself, relax, be comfortable.

"Behind this message is another, more sinister undertone which is openly expressed only in the officially atheist countries which are one step ahead of the free world in this respect. In fact, we should realize that what is happening in the world today is very similar whether it occurs behind the Iron Curtain or in the free world. There are different varieties of it, but there is a very similar attack to get our soul.

"In the communist countries which have an official doctrine of atheism, they tell quite openly that you are to: Forget about God and any other life but the present; remove from your life the fear of God and reverence for holy things; regard those who still believe in God in the "old-fashioned’ way as enemies who must be exterminated.

“One might take, as a symbol of our carefree, fun-loving, self-worshipping times, our American “Disneyland”; if so, we should not neglect to see behind it the more sinister symbol that shows where the “me generation” is really heading: the Soviet Gulag, the chain of concentration camps that already governs the life of nearly half the world’s population.”

@Charlton

Fun as the focus of life makes perfect sense in a secular society - if life is about nothing more than self-gratification, if ‘heroism’ is delusion, if God is dead; then anyone who interferes with self-gratification is evil.

(Except that even this does not make sense, since evil people are merely having fun themselves in preventing the fun of others. A philosophy of fun cannot coherently argue that one kind of fun is better than another. Why should the fun of many count for more than the fun of one? - is fun something to be weighed and measured like coal? - that sound like a pretty un-fun perspective…)

We sympathize, we admire the clear-sightedness of these characters, their lack of ‘hypocrisy’, their quick wits, their simplicity…

But when it exists in isolation this is a grown-up-kids morality, a pampered-pets morality - a pre-enlightened, non-self-aware, young animal perspective on life.

Not the kind of morality which could sustain a civilization or a reflective adult life. Not the kind of morality which can, in fact, sustain a human life.

And indeed as soon as one becomes aware that fun is indeed the underlying morality - as soon as a counter-culture philosophy becomes explicit; when fun is ‘officially’ placed at the centre of things: it is the most dreadful, despairing, dull, desolate concept of life.

…

This is the current situation, this the secular modern ‘solution’ to the fundamental paradox of the human condition – that life in this-world can be, should be, harmonious - if only we recognize that our spontaneous self-gratification is actually morally necessary and should be the primary explicit goal of human endeavor.

And because this solution actually solves nothing, and is merely a statement, a wish-that-this-was-so; it has necessarily been embodied in the coercive beliefs, practices and laws of atheist totalitarian states (notably the USSR, National Socialism and Communist China) and this process is now advanced in all Western societies (by enforcement of what is termed ‘Political Correctness’).

So the citizens in modern secular societies are not merely encouraged to flout the natural morality which they cannot help but feel, they are increasingly forced to flout natural morality. They are compelled to live (and to think and to believe) as if hedonic gratification was the primary value in a life which ends with death and extinction.

And there is no hope of resolution in this world, nor the next world (the existence of which is denied).

Since there is no hope of resolution, the only alternative is distraction – to lose oneself in hedonic gratification: such that intense, continuous self-gratification obliterates our awareness of the fundamental paradox.

Despair, distraction, denial, self-indulgence… and if these do not work, then some kind of suicide of awareness.

By this analysis, the Decline of the West is a willed societal suicide driven by the mass psychological consequences of top-down, enforced moral inversion.

[TwistedOstrich]

@Steve

It gets better man. In time it gets better. Not to put a lighter side on this because I do understand how traumatic these types of experiences can have on someone, but Harris did say A314 has a fallout effect. In several reports stalking has been reported on.

In one of my darker moments when the wounds were still fresh I explained how I felt as “mourning the loss of my best friend, but even worse having to watch them suffer for their actions.” Torturous for me, someone who just wanted to help and have peace. I don’t wish anything negative on anyone, even those who cross me. But I became a trigger for a toxic cycle and the only safe course is the one we are both on. Things could have been much worse. In hindsight, the final event was the only way to help and maybe get her to look at herself. I can only hope she can internalize all that’s happened and find something positive, rebuild and find peace in her heart by forgiving her past. We were lucky to share what short time we had together, magical… You meet everyone in life for a reason, you should be compelled to find the positive in it. Thats where some fall short, when only seeing the negative.

@PheroQuirk

Brave New World today, 1984 the day after the collapse?

PheroQuirk, your post deserves more of a reply then I can muster right now… very true on what you have to say regarding a brave New World, but replace scientists with financial elitists… the science, marketing, consumerism, gratification are all tools.

[TwistedOstrich]

Social test 7 - results from 1 to 10 = 6 Intent: relax and think
Test ingredients
P102 2x 10mcg
TAF 1x 10mcg

Situation
Daily events

Applied

lasted over 5hours

Result

Lat test I tried something to ease anxiety and encourage thought. I wanted to see if I could isolate the components a bit more.

While I do have some level of thought with this application its definitely not on the same level as last day with MEO-Est and TAC. There is definitely something to relaxing that allows thought to flourish. Now I could be a bit distracted with thoughts of my past but my cognitive reasoning is all still intact.

Still going to keep playing with this

[TwistedOstrich]

Social test 8 - results from 1 to 10 = 7 Intent: relax and think
Test ingredients
P81 1x 10mcg
P82 1x 10mcg
TAF 1x 10mcg

Situation
Get together and collaborate with a friend

Applied

lasted over 5hours

Result

Our main intent was to work on a project, now we didn’t have any clarity for that project but… We did have a lot of camaraderie and started to focous on a bigger plan of my friends. Now he doesn’t usually connect on his real-estate ideas but this time he went full out on his current project. Its as if I was wearing bnols but to my surprise we connected on his idea sorta like a team basis. Very exciting stuff, much like he would probably find this place exciting…

[TwistedOstrich]

Social test 9 - results from 1 to 10 = 9 Intent: relax and think
Test ingredients
P95 4x 10mcg

Situation
Third poker night comparing P95 to similar molecules

Applied

lasted over 5hours

Result

I have been testing P95 for over a year now and close to concluding on it. One thing I must note is that Instant Gentleman goes really well with my own signature, it brings out the best in me, merges with my signature as if it was already it.

When I apply P95 I’m really laid back and relaxed, cheerful and all smiles. To me P95 is a toss up between TAA and Androsterone, or maybe in a high quality form they begin to merge in effect. In any case using P95 really brightens up my mood, gets me clam and in focus, and in this higher mcg I could almost feel this haze of confidence in front of me (best way to describe it). Almost like the feeling I would get when putting A314 in front of my nose, and in a way same with TAA. This smoothness that’s infectious. Later that night I was drinking a beer and the beer started to taste like the cloud of smoothness in front of me. It was like sipping Grand Marnier, my essence felt like Grand Marnier.

As I had stated before with this group I had already cleaned house 3 times in a row and who I was playing was out to get me this night. I managed to get to be in the last two players out of 7. But by their luck of the hand lost in the end, the blinds were too high so I had to go in with a mediocre hand and lost. But having P95 show its true colors is a win. Definitely high in respect, positivity, clarity of thought, cheerfulness.

That night once coming home my mind was a blaze of thought, didn’t get to sleep for a few hours. Could be related, while that’s been happening a lot to me lately the thoughts did seem to be more constructive as opposed to distressing.

I’ve got a bottle of TAA and Rone coming so I can see if their is any similarities in this feeling P95 gives me.

[TwistedOstrich]

So I’ve been making some changes, still deciding if it’s for the better.

Accepted a job that’s into mma ufc stuff that may let me work from home but most likely have to move cities. On the positive side it’s a new adventure, new people, braking old dependencies. On the bad side I may miss out on other opportunities and close ties. I’m seeing how things weigh out lol.

Steve, if your reading how did you manage when you first started moving around?

On a side note, received a new order! Once again great service from androtics, they never miss a chance to help things out.