nice guys finish fat? ;)

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from dr anderson via eric fwiw. no offense intended
Approach Anxiety » Blog Archive » Nice Guys Finish Fat

Nice Guys Finish Fat
January 28th, 2008 by Eric Disco

This post is by By Dr. Matthew Anderson

Let’s look at how too much niceness can make you fat.

Nice is like grease. A little grease in a car makes it run smoothly.

A little grease in the pan keeps the food from sticking.

Imagine what would occur if you poured a gallon of grease all over the engine of your car.

Or if you tried to sauté your vegetables with a pound instead of an ounce.

The car would smoke and burn and your food would make you sick. This is what happens with too much nice.

Too much nice makes you phony.

Too much nice makes you insincere.

Too much nice makes you slippery, slidey and oily.

Worst of all, too much nice can make you unaware of how you really feel, what you really think and who you truly are. That is both dangerous to your psychological well-being and fattening.

Now let’s focus on the fattening part. I am convinced that 90 percent of all weight-challenged persons use comfort food to avoid their uncomfortable emotions.

My personal and professional exploration into the causes of weight gain bears this out. What does this have to do with nice? Everything.

Individuals who are overweight and habitually nice are people who are afraid of their not-nice emotions thoughts and behaviors.

A too-nice person will not allow themselves to express anger, be assertive or aggressive, be demanding, or say what they really mean if they think it might not appear nice.

Thus, a too-nice person must constantly avoid deny or repress significant aspects of their personality that do not fit into what I like to call their nice-box.

The favorite tool for this among weight-challenged people is food. Comfort food will temporarily mask an entire host of not-nice personality attributes.

Simply put it works like this:

You believe that being nice is an extremely important personality trait.

You believe that being not-nice is a very unacceptable personality trait.

To you, not-nice equals emotions/attitudes like anger, selfishness, aggression, outspokenness, bluntness… You get the point.

Because you are a human being you feel and think quite a few not-nice emotions and thoughts every day. You cannot avoid them, but you try… because you want to be nice.

Instead of questioning your too-nice value system and learning to deal with your uncomfortable emotions and thoughts in a healthy way, you eat.

You eat comfort food to disappear whatever seems not-nice. Then you get fat.

Now for the good news.

You do not have to be nice all the time. You can learn to be nice when it is appropriate.

You can also learn to be authentic, fully human and a person who has legitimate feelings, thoughts and behaviors that you heretofore defined as not-nice and unacceptable.

You can learn to be a whole person. A too-nice person is a partial person. Being whole is healthier and in truth, is a lot more fun.

As you learn to accept and manage those not-so-nice thoughts and feelings you will discover you need far less comfort food to help you hide from your wholeness.

You will also discover that your self-esteem, personal power, creativity increase.

And the most surprising discovery might be that many people like you a heck of a lot better since you dropped the too-nice mask.

I am no longer a nice person. I am leaner, meaner (just a little) and far more real than the nice guy I used to hide behind.

For more from Dr. Matthew Anderson, please visit Dr. Matthew Anderson

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Excellent article PheroQuirk. I have been guilty of being to nice far to many times and for far to long.

Another point I learned the hard way is that many people mistake niceness for weakness.

Reps for the article. I think it will be helpful to many a member of the forum.

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really awesome article, it makes alot of sense too I’ve always been nice its true too people often do seem to see my niceness as weakness.

I’ve also had an eating disorder for years and I can really relate to using foods for comfort to me I’m still small it sure has been hard on my health though. Of course I’m very soft natured don’t like the thought of being mean or not nice would like to be able to share my real feelings though rather than eat, lol!! :slight_smile:

rep points for good article :slight_smile:

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Goodness gracious but i have many points to make!

#1 … I think the first thing I will mention is the lecture that my grandma always gave me. She would tell me that the “bigger” the man … the better the marriage. She would tell me that “Big” men were easier to get along with and much more gentle with their women.

#2 … perhaps the reason that many women like “big” men is the primal instinct that “big” would indicate more of a successful hunter and a man more likely to survive the rigors of a harsh environment. Any ideas on this?

#3 … I, myself, do enjoy the ‘comfort’ of a big man. Hugging ‘bones’ is not very sexual.

#4 … I have in my life enjoyed the intellect and humor and the attention to my needs that big men have given me.

#5 … I have enjoyed also the lack of “self-involvement” of “fat men”. It seems that “body image” just does not have a negative impact on a “relationship”. That big men just don’t obsess over their body image and focus on other things. (things that are very important to most women) Such as, focusing on the women and the women’s needs.

#6 … not that “big/fat” men are better … but only that some (me) women have had better experiences with them. My last experience was with a 5’ 4’” man that ended up with me being used/abused terribly. (not for the first time … with a small man)

Just IMO.

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All of my friends have always told me i am “toooo nice”.

But … i like being a nice person. I like being compassionate and caring and loving. True … it is the reason that i often get taken advantage of .. but … it simply is who i am.

I am not ashamed of being ‘nice’ anymore. I am who I am .. and just suffer the consequences of being a truly ‘nice’ (not fat) person.

I think that becoming satisfied and happy with who we really are … is a good thing in this world … even if it begets us hostility or disapproval from time to time.

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There are nice people and those who fake sincerity.

“The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.”
-Jean Giraudoux French diplomat, dramatist, & novelist (1882 - 1944)

Do you want real or do you want fake?

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good find,
and way to true.

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I understand what your saying but i don’t agree 100% - I think if you have had only negative experiences with a man with what you consider a “better body image” - then you havn’t found the right man OR simply put your goals and or expectations don’t mesh with their lifestyle. If thats the case then I certainly understand why you take comfort in “big men”

I hope no-one takes this the wrong way… i certainly don’t want to offend anyone. It is A LOT easier to sit on the couch than it is to get up and go for a job. Or to goto the gym and workout. I think if somebody has that in their lifestyle it says something about them… they are self motivated… have will power… they are striving for something. Not to say that big men don’t have these qualities… LOL - i don’t want it to sound like that.

lastly… trimming down and keeping belly fat off is AWESOME for your heart and arteries. not to mention daily excercise helps keep you young.

i may have missed the point here idunno… i don’t want to generalize “big guys” just as those “better body image” guys shouldn’t be generalized.

~Haz~

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That’s a good point!

It takes discipline and persistence to exercise regularly and regular exercise is also something that can improve the functioning of the brain and support a healthy personality.

I guess it also depends on what attitude a man takes to the gym. Some men have a sort of meditative, self exploring transformation going on in their sports. Some go for narcissistic reasons. Some to improve health and quality of life. It takes all sorts

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I have put on a few pounds since being 12% body fat and weighing in at 170lbs… what I’ve found is that not as many women are attracted to me, and as I get back into shape I’m becoming the “old me” once again. My entire mindset shifts when I hit the gym hard and strong. I also know a few “big guys” - some have extremely high self esteem and some don’t. A lot of it also comes down to having confidence – having a strong body gives me that, and is why I continue to strive. I am with Hazards sentiment on this :smiley:

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When I first saw the thread title, I thought it meant that nice guys (low on the dating totem pole) end up dating overweight women (also not highly sought out). Why? David DeAngelo, author of the famous “Double Your Dating”, said that fat women are the female counterpart of nice guys. On the same note, he tells you to realign utensils on the restaurant table during a date, to show her you’re in control. So I’d say his advice is meant to be taken with a grain of salt. (Aligning objects for no specific reason is a common symptom of OCD or autism to boot)

But the OP’s comment is interesting too. “Nice guys” are usually treated poorly by society, and can’t meet women (a great source of relaxation :wink:), leaving them with few options to turn to for comfort. They often don’t have a large circle of friends, going to bars is a lesson in frustration, and not being athletic (common for nice guys) makes working out/sports look undesirable. So that leaves food. And where there’s excessive food, combined with lack of physical activity, there’s weight gain. Hence, “fat”.