Pheros for abusive relationship

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Women's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports
1

I have a female friend who was with a guy who is rather controlling and became physically abusive with her, to the point that she left him and he had to go to court (maybe even jail), etc. She also had a bit of a substance problem, which didn’t help matters any, and I wouldn’t let her come around me when I knew she was “using”.

Despite all of this, they claim to truly love each other, and have recently come back together. He is now taking court-ordered anger management classes, and she is totally clean now. She is going to the classes too, even though she’s not ordered too, because she realized that her “mouthiness” was verbal abuse, and wants to learn to control it (she felt that her smart mouth and digging comments helped to instigate his anger, though to me, there is never an excuse for violence of any sort).

Neither of them are bad people, they just don’t know how to manage their emotions when they are upset. I really respect the fact that they are both making true efforts to overcome this difficult challenge in their relationship.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I gave her a bottle of my Instant Shine, and last night she told me that it has really been making a noticeable difference in both of their moods, and that things have been going a lot better when she uses it.

At this point in their re-uniting (it’s been maybe a month now), he is very controlling of her, and doesn’t trust her to go anywhere without him (which she understands and is okay with, because she used to just take off and get high, and disappear for a few days (then when she’d come back, he’d be all pissed off because she was high, and beat her up, then of course she’d take off again and do the same thing, as an escape, it was a vicious cycle), and she really and truly wants stop that whole cycle forever).

So now she’s starting to feel smothered, having to be with him all the time, and she trusts herself not to go do something stupid. He won’t even let her come to my house by herself. He also has a jealous streak, accusing her of ridiculous things such as “doing it” with random guys she barely knows, such as delivery guys, etc.

So, I’m wondering whether adding some Instant Honesty to the Instant Shine would help with his jealousy/lack of trust issue. Or should she try using it alone? Or what other products might help with this?

She also wants to encourage him to be more sexually attracted to her (I suggested copulins), but is worried that the copulins might inflame his jealousy even more.

Any thoughts or suggestions on this?

2

I know this is a sensitive subject and I really wish that the solution to this problem was a couple of sprays of IS. But I am sure you’re well aware that this goes well beyond any phero help.

If there were a combination that offered a state of calm and clarity, I’d be tempted to suggest that they spray that before they go into one of their counseling sessions. IH maybe? Perhaps one of the putatives that people have said makes them more focused?

And as I’ve read on these forums, the effects wear off after awhile and it’s up to you to do the rest. So even if the pheromones did provide temporary relief or assistance, in the end it’s really up to them to make some extremely important changes. I sincerely hope they do.

3

I would suggest several forms of counselling (for both), practical support (for her at least) and maybe CBT for the aggression/controlling/jealousy issues ahead of any phero in this situation!

4

there are millions of guys out there she should leave and never look back “experimenting” with pheromones on a guy who is violent and unstable is asking for trouble

5

I totally agree, but she really wants to make it work, they both do, so there’s nothing I can really say to change that. At least they’re aware and trying their best the best they can, anger management classes and all that.

All I can do is be positive and supportive, and the Instant Shine I gave her seems to be helping, who knows, maybe it can help lead to permanent behavior improvements and changes for both of them, sort of in the same way that A314 can lead to permanent increased confidence in some people.

She’s finding the “sweet spot” with the 4x Instant Shine I gave her, in fact, she just uses a half spray and it’s perfect, so I might make her some 2x and it will last longer.

Unfortunately the only Instant Honesty I have is 4x, so I’m thinking of diluting some with perfumers alcohol 50/50 and giving her a to-go bottle of it, just to try. I think that’s correct, if I use equal parts of 4x IH and perfumers alcohol, that should make it 2x. And do the same with the 4x Instant Shine.

As for the copulins, she wants to increase his sexual attraction to her, but she’s also concerned that it might make him jealous. I don’t know why it would, though maybe I’ll just have her stick to the social stuff for now and see how that works for her.

6

Yup - more substantial physical and emotional support is what you need here.

Yes, diluting your IH 50/50 will bring it down to 2x.

Cops - I doubt they would inspire jealousy directly but the reactions they do inspire could indirectly trigger or strengthen a jealous response. Also, the widly variable results I’ve had with cops would to me suggest she should give them a very wide berth for now!

7

I can tell you this, if any person ever hit me in anger, I’d run out the door and wouldn’t look back. I agree with you that violence is never acceptable unless you are threatened and absolutely must defend your life or the lives of your loved ones. In which case I wouldn’t hesitate to shoot whomever I had to right between the eyes.

It’s upsetting, sad and hard to watch people you care for in such emotional and physical turmoil. Sure, why not IShine, anything that will calm and lighten the tension/mood between them can help.

On one hand IH seems like a useful tool for getting to/working through important issues but on the other hand it could unleash some very dark unwanted emotions that he’s trying to get under control. And while in some situations it’s the very thing you want to use, in this case, with his history of physical violence, I’m not sure certain I’d want to introduce it if I wasn’t certain it would help in a positive way. (We are talking about a very inexperienced user who might not be able to control herself let alone control/direct him under such circumstances.) I’ve never heard of anyone becoming violent while using/exposed to IH but it’s one of the pheromones that can take off in unexpected or undesirable directions no matter your good intentions. And because it’s already such an emotionally charged situation it could be too much of a wild card as there’s just no way of predicting the outcome. So, I’d be careful with this one.

I’m leaving the cops out of this mix altogether. He’s already having enough problems with anger management and has already beaten her up. No, I’m not going to risk raising this guy’s testy levels even a fraction more, for any reason!

Even though she’s clean and trusts herself, based on her past behavior, he still thinks she’ll take off and use if given the chance. They might think they love each other and even though he’s not hitting her at this time, he’s still controlling her, she’s a physical and emotional prisoner. He doesn’t trust her. He’s volatile and feels as though his suspicions are justified and he thinks it will happen again if he doesn’t confine her/monitor her every move. No wonder she feels suffocated. She might not admit it but I suspect, even though she thinks she loves him and is compelled to stay with him to work things out, she still lives in constant fear of him everyday. Without trust you have nothing.

His suspicion and jealous possibly may stem from the fact that he has been unable to effectively change himself. If he hasn’t been able to do it so far, with the limited counseling they’ve gotten, than he’s not convinced she has either. The jealousy that he’s unable to control is a huge red flag. He’s verbally abusing her and that’s often a precursor to physical abuse. it’s already happened, he’s done it before. I have a feeling he could explode at any time and I’m concerned for your girlfriend’s safety. I hope she’s telling their counselor about all this. If not, she definitely should.

I know they didn’t get to this point over night and there’s got to be way more to this story, there always is. So, it’s hard to advise anyone on what to do when you don’t have the whole picture.

The one thing I’m sure of is you can’t control anyone but yourself. They need to learn to not only love and respect each other but also to love and respect themselves and accept responsibility for their own words and actions and to control their own impulses/demons, on their own, independent of one another before they’ll be able to reconcile, if at all. Everyone needs help, understanding and unconditional love along the way and also must give it but ultimately we must learn to manage ourselves before we are fit company for others. I hope it has a good outcome for both of them. :slight_smile:

I have a degree or two myself but I’m not a certified counselor/psychiatrist and don’t pretend to be. However, I am familiar with all aspects of abuse and actively support a local organization that aids abused women and children. It’s not easy for abused women to make the break. They often return to their abuser repeatedly in hopes that changing their own behavior can somehow “fix” what’s wrong with the abuser. No, she can’t but he can with help of professionals. Her boyfriend has no choice in the matter, at present, because counseling is being forced upon him. So, it remains to be seen if he’s genuinely sincere in making an effort to rehabilitate himself. If he is, and he sticks with it for the long haul, he might be able to gain enough control of himself to improve to the point of effectively changing his behavior. Only time will tell if he’s able to get his emotions/violent tendencies under control.

Well, Miss kitty, you’re a sweetheart. :slight_smile: I know you’re trying to help and I’m glad they have you to support them. I wish them the best in sorting it all out.

Bella

8

Bella great post

9

Thank you, Bella for your awesome advice. I showed this thread to Pua, who completely agreed with everything, and really appreciated what you said.

One thing I totally forgot about, is that this same guy who she’s with right now, tried to date me a few years ago, and I actually reported about it here on Pherotalk. Here is the thread:

Instant Jerk didn’t work the way I wanted it to

And I also referred to this incident in this thread:

Instant Jerk Underated?

Pua doesn’t have a computer, etc, but when she can get to the library (or my house) to use one, she wants to sign up here and reply/participate on her own behalf. She also said to thank you all for your helpful and caring advice and suggestions.

10

Thank you, p. And, Miss Kitty, you’re welcome, my friend. :slight_smile: I hope it helps. I’m glad you’re there for her. It’s important she knows that she’s not alone. I’ll look forward to meeting her when she signs up… but I hope we don’t have to call her Pua! :roll_eyes: :smiley: :wink:

He acted like a jerk alright, just not the way you thought he would. Despite you thinking, at first, that IJ didn’t work on him, that thought was in fact dispelled by his very actions. Your posts above say to me to be very careful when using Androstenone, especially around already aggressive types. (Even if you’re man or woman and do just fine with wearing it yourself.) They don’t need anymore encouragement.

When someone is overly insistent with you, it’s a sign of aggressiveness. Even seemingly cheerful “good-natured” pushiness is still aggressive. I’ll add that if someone is pushing you in a direction you don’t want to go… you can push back. Stand firm and say, “No, thank you, I have other plans.” If they press… “Thank you anyway, but I already have plans.” Another time? “Perhaps.” Then rapidly take your leave.

If you do agree to the date, for whatever reason, and you later regret it and want to change your mind, just call him and say you’re so sorry but something’s come up and you won’t be able to make it. If he presses you for an explanation, tell him it’s personal and you know he understands and apologise again. If he thinks you’re lying, who cares? We all have weak moments when we say yes to things we know we shouldn’t do. The important thing is to break the date, especially if you didn’t really want to go in first place. It’s not a crime. At least you’re being polite/considerate by giving him the courtesy of a call instead of just not showing up. You* are* allowed to change your mind. It’s OK if you feel a little bad about doing it. You’ll get over it and have saved yourself in the process.

And never but* never* sit on or lie down on a bed with a man you aren’t attracted to unless he’s really is just your good buddy or your brother. If not, it’s considered an unwritten invitation in his mind. BED = SEX. Never mind what* you* think, lol. I would sit right on the floor before I’d do that! Wouldn’t I be more comfortable on the bed? “No, thanks, I’m fine right here.” :slight_smile:

Count your blessings. By the grace of God and your good sense in beating it outta there when you did and by ignoring his calls afterwards… you are not standing where your girlfriend is right now.

Like most people, my worst mistakes concerning the character of people have stemmed from me choosing to ignore my instincts. Although I can usually nail people right outta the gate, I know I’m not infallible because no one is. That comes from me always wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt, be accepting and give them a chance. That said, I also know that nine times outta ten I really* should* just listen to myself at the on-set and most times I’m glad I do.

My point is, if your spider sense is tingling, go with it because you’re seldom wrong in following those initial feelings… even though it’s hard to say, “No.” :wink:

Bella

11

Sorry, but I’m going to say it. You mentioned he doesn’t control his emotions very well. I completely disagree. The guy is a complete F***ing A-hole and needs to have his ass handed to him. The best advice you can ever give someone like your friend is to run and NEVER look back. Abusive is abusive and its NEVER going to stop until one of them is dead or in jail.

Essentially by helping your friend with pheromones you are enabling this idiot to continue to physically and emotionally abuse her. There are no amount of mones in the world that are going to alter this relationship. In fact you very well might be putting her in more harms way. Think about the very first thing that comes to mind when you hear about mones: SEXUAL. What is this guy going to think about her when the first time he digs through her possessions and sees the mones. He’s obviously not rational and will immediately think the worse and take it out on her, perhaps killing her. You do not enable a situation regardless of how you believe you might be helping. You are not helping this at all.

Tell her to run!

12

By the way, every woman who stays in abusive relationships have ALL said but I thought he would change. Most of them think it all their lives and it never happens. The ones who do get away do so after years and years of abuse and end up emotionally and physically damaged.

13

get her on the phone with a domestic violence Councillor or the police or both

14

SillyKitty,

I am fresh out of a long marriage with a mentally abusive women. She has Borderline Personality Disorder. The wiring in her brain in fucked up and no amount of pheros would make her a better person. Clinically, borderlines cannot be cured with meds alone.

The guy you write about sounds like he has a hard-wired problem and not just in a bad mood that needs a little shine. He needs therapy and lots of it. To be frank, your friend needs therapy as well to understand why she stays with a man who beats her.

This is a toxic, dysfunctional relationship!