I was researching online just last week, and finally learned that what I have been enduring for the past three years is a real phenomenon, with a name for it even. I had no idea!!
Now I just have to get three years of evidence of harassment, false accusations and condescending, hurtful treatment, and put it all together into a believable format and framework that will be taken seriously.
Oh my god, that is horrible. I understand what you’re going through though.
A friend of mine was doing sh*t that she wasn’t supposed to do like do the staff’s dishes and hang her bosses’ coat, cause the owner said-so. It’s awful.
All the best hun, tell us how it goes crosses fingers
Good Luck, especially if any older women are involved, God knows Ive had my share fair of nastiness.
No matter what happens, Always, Always Believe in Yourself.. men will try and put you down because they cant have you (or are they are some dumb see-thru pua), other women will put you down because they cant be you, the best you can do is to be your best self, and it will be very challenging for others, especially if they are insecure…
Dont ever let anyone box you (or you can pretend that they have and have alot of FUN teaching them a thing or two!!),
Just Be Yourself (and boy is it SO much fun to see how powerful you REALLY are!!)
People do this to build their own value and dominance. Its always been that way.
The easiest way to come back at someone is to put one single frame on them and keep beating it to death. It takes very little creativity.
So for example, if someone is targeting you, find their weakest point, the easiest thing to make fun of, and attack it over and over. It doesn’t even matter if it’s really a weak point, you just keep bashing it.
Like let’s say me and Mco-gnv were going at it. I could attack him about his leather jacket like 20 times in a row. (his leather jacket is actually pretty cool, this is just an example to show you you can attack someone on anything).
I’d say “nah, you just think that because you wear a leather jacket. Good Job Fonzie! Wow so cool, you know how to get a free coke! Go kill some more cows, leather man! You look like a giant catchers mitt…hey where’s your leather today? I know you wear that thing even when it’s 90 degrees.”
You just go after it over and over, and be having more fun than the other guy, and talk over, him. go louder and louder until you’re singing it “LEATHER MANNNNN!!! YES HE CAN!!! CAUSE HE’S THE LEATHER MAN!!!”
Your link has some very good perspective on how to tell your story. One point I thought was not made strongly enough is to be ready to tell your story over and over. Consistently the same story with the same details. Repetition creates the perception of truth.
Keep doing your research. Follow some of their links. The papers by Lutgen-Sandvik look like a good line to follow. You might even try to communicate with the author. That would be some expert advice. Certainly better than any of us can give you here.
You need to frame yourself as a good employee and a valuable asset. Present your accomplishments, abilities, experience, and your potential to the organization.
Be able to make the case that resolving this will enable you, and everyone around you, to be more productive and profitable.
Remember the motivations of whoever you present this to are always ‘what’s in it for me?’. Operations people are concerned about produtivity. Personel/HR people care about training and hiring. Executives are concerned about costs and profitability. And everyone wants to be important, to justify their exsistence.
Remember that threats are a negative motivation and never as productive as positive motivations. The possibility of legal action is most effective unspoken but implied. The people in HR are the most aware of the possibility. The executive level feels the most threatened by it. You are going to be way ahead to keep that possibility off the table.
Wait until you have a situation that clearly impairs your ability to do your job. That is when to pull the trigger. Be ready to present that situation as an example that is part of a pattern. Be prepared, and hold your piece until the moment is right. You’ll have the advantage of surprise.
For those simplistic fools who are going to say ‘why don’t you just leave’, ask them what they would do if someone walked in today and said to them “I want you to quit your job. There is someone else who needs it.” Then ask them what they would do if that same person had been telling them that every day for weeks or months. Would they quit?
I wish I had a way to make this easier for you, but I don’t. Unfortunatly, this will probably be a long drawn out process. I hope you’re ready for that.
I do like the idea of waiting for the next thing to happen, because it will. Though what if the next thing is another false accusation, that doesn’t necessarily clearly impair my ability to do my job? Actually, it has been a series of small hurtful things, not any one big thing.
Even if its not something that would prevent me from doing my job properly, at least whatever it is will be fresh. I have to get the rest of it ready now, though.
Also, I am realizing that although it is one long experience of harassment from the workplace, there are really only two people responsible, my-coworker and my supervisor (pseudo-admin).
I think I need to make two separate “cases”, and if HR or whoever wants to put them together, they can.
I also found a copy of their definition of harassment, and they only have physical and verbal. I’m not sure if psychological abuse and bullying really fits, and they may be able to worm their way out of it because of that.
The concept that workplace bullying is real and also very harmful is still relatively new, and Hawaii is one of the states that has not yet adopted anti-bullying statutes.
Somehow I need to educate HR about the reality and the negative consequences of psychological abuse, in such a way that they can clearly see it and understand, and without me coming off as a “whiner” or trouble maker".
Your link has some very good perspective on how to tell your story. One point I thought was not made strongly enough is to be ready to tell your story over and over. Consistently the same story with the same details. Repetition creates the perception of truth.
“Ooooyahhh”
I agree with this quote but even truth spoken in a non hostile manner over and over again can be dangerous. A lie can be believed but if someone tells the truth on the lie then the lie would weaken or the person telling gets bought off or harmed, etc…
As for workplace bullying I have done it years ago, something about those people just angered me but when it came to serious job production or a casual talk by my boss I stopped and just ignored them now I work in an environment that I no one who I work regularly with and I am cool with that. As for the Church there is nothing I do that requires me to meet with anyone longer than 16 hours a week and so no problems with people plus I like to think that I am older and more stable but natures can creep upon people even later in life.
In one of the rare times when I suffered bullying like being talked about and berated and taking the crap for a year I told the person “What did I do to you in a past life or this life that makes you disrespect me.”
They said nothing soo after three weeks I made them angry by bringing up their habits and since they weren’t my supervisor they came out with what wrong with me and I changed some of my ways which almost stopped the talking about me.
When the bothering started again I talked to them about it and dished it back out to them and due to problems beyond their control they left, prayer also helps too.
So in case I rambled to much here what I did was:
Confronted the person.
Got them mad so they said what they did not like about me.
Wait until you are fully prepared. It is about the perspective of your presentation when the time comes. Remember that the things your audience values are productivity, job skills, and profitablity. It is the pattern that makes the case for impairing those things.
Since are going for the double, you will need a situation, or set of related situations where they are both involved. You won’t get a second shot. Hold your fire until you can take them both down.
Prepare a bibliography or reading list that you can give to your HR department after your presentation. Give it to them without others knowing so they can look like they did the research.
Find one or more of the other people who have written papers. You will definitely benefit from their professional advice. If you establish an ongoing relationship with any of them, you might even ask them to give your HR people a call after your presentation.
Meanwhile, use the time to your advantage. Make sure you are seen/noticed by the people you want to influence. The CEO, HR head, Operations director, whoever. Make sure you pass near them in the hall or cafeteria or wherever. Smile, make eye contact, say hello, let 'em get whiff of your sillage. Keep moving. At this point small talk might be be a little risky. You’ve got bigger fish to fry. You just want to make sure they know you are part of the team.
Stay calm. Be patient. Be prepared. You can take them.
The problem with trying to build a case for purely psychological abuse is you have to show “intent” to cause psychological pain or harm. That is much harder than documenting verbal abuse or physical abuse, because “meaning” is very much a subjective thing unless it is so overwhelmingly clear that anyone would be able to immediately see it clearly.
What is your definition of bullying? And can you document it?
Very good! Often confrontation of the problem head on is the best solution. Confrontation, at first, should be done respectfully and without charged feelings, exactly as you did. Your second confrontation, on a more personal level, establishing a boundary for yourself with that person was completely appropriate, given the continued hostility from that person.
Following up by attempting to compromise by changing some of your behaviors was also a nice touch, Coleman. It is too bad that person wasn’t able to appreciate that you made such an effort.
At that point further confrontation at a low level was appropriate also, imo, since the person’s obnoxious behavior didn’t seem to come up to the level needing management intervention, but it did establish once and for all that you aren’t such a good target for bullying.
The kind of thing you did wasn’t easy - it never is, but it is sometimes necessary. The only thing I would have changed is I would have done this immediately and not suffered for a year before doing it.
But it is all a learning process and it looks like you gained some very valuable skills there.
Ignoring, lack of communication, not being able to order things I need to do my job (I have had to purchase things myself), accusations of incidents and behaviors on my part that never happened and that I can prove.
This has been ongoing, and I can prove some things, other things that don’t have witnesses, I can give exact dates, or close to exact dates and remember in detail.
I strongly suspect that my supervisor has been “fed” stuff from my co-worker, who is slick, sly and smooth.
If I go after my supervisor (when a new incident occurs, which it will) then upon proving several of these incidents, hopefully she will realize where all her information has been coming from.
Its not abot the economy, its about empowerment. You are empowered as long as you are willing to walk away…the moment you become dependent…psychologically, not ecomomicly…on your job, they have the power…had you rather be a secure slave or a free and independent individual?
I’d rather suck it up while I have to in order to feed my kids and keep a roof over their head and clothes on their ungrateful little backs. That is also empowering.
