small talk

Lounge
1

Anybody got any good advice on “small talk”… how do you do it? Any good books?

I have to admit. I’m AM socially phobic and/or “socially avoidant”. I’ve had years being socially phobic. Only in the last few years have I started to come out of my shell. Now I’m finding eye contact is easier and easier to make and I’m no longer so self-conscious about it (pheromones seem to have helped alot with this- like I’m unlearning a pattern of behavior), but I am still feeling mental blocks to actually “talking” to people beyond what is required. It’s like I’ve got a belief somewhere in my head that I can’t do it, or shouldn’t do it.

Plus, like I said, I could be borderline Asperger’s. I love deep conversations with people about topics that would blow most peoples minds (wittness my chat with James Kohl in the “theory” section… that’s often typical for me). I don’t quite understand the small talk stuff. Why talk about something irrelevent and/or trivial? Why not get straight to the point? “Socialization sucks”. Something like that.

Hmm… too bad inderal is a perscription only… a low dose would probably help me alot. I’ve tried hawthorn berries in the past, and those also work with a similar effect (they keep your heart rate from going up, perspiration, etc.). I just don’t want anything that would make me drowsy and/or faint… Maybe drugs/herbs aren’t the answer in this case.

2

I don’t think that you don’t know how to do small talk, I think your problem is that you don’t know what to talk about with different people. For instance, here, you know that you can talk about pheromones, relationships, socializing, other ‘deep’ things. When you’re at school, you talk about school work, tests, what you’re gonna do after school, what you’re gonna do during the summer, other students, fat teachers, etc. When you’re with family, you ‘know’ what you’re allowed to talk about and what you’re not allowed to talk about, or you at least know how to bring things up. But when you’re ‘out’ you. . . just haven’t been socialized. You need to get out and practice, to quote batman begins: “And why do we fall Bruce? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up”. Yes, it hurts, and reading about it only makes the hurt a little softer. I’m still kicking myself for some things I messed, up, but now, if something like it ever happens again, I’ll be ready.

3

So… do you think making a “mental list” of offhand remarks is a good thing to practice? Like lets say you were in a grocery store, and you wanted to try to engage in small talk… what sort of remarks would you make? I suppose I should focus first or relatively neutral statements, ones that if rejected, won’t hurt a person’s relationship with somebody… right?

I just find situations where there is ackward silence and I have no clue what to say to be sociable. I’m polite but I need something else to round it out. Hell, I even feel it a bit with some of the pheromones like androstenol “say something, stupid… you sound like a goober otherwise”. Just not much of a clue what to say.

Honestly my mind is full of esoteric stuff, sometimes it is hard to relate to “normal” things, unfortunately. I could chat your ear off about computers, motorcycles, science, etc. But talking about day-to-day things is hard for me. (and as you’ve seen, I can be a really heavy person too, maybe that’s off-putting).

I mean… talk about the weather? Why talk about it? Umm… it obeys laws that I cannot control, therefore it’s out of my control and futile to worry about. Very Mr. Spock/Stoic, but doesn’t result in chit chat. Price of oil? Same thing. There’s like something inside me that’s a bit “Joe Friday”, if you’ve seen that show (Dragnet).

4

Daedalus, I feel we are kinda in the same boat here. While I’ve learned a lot during my use of pheromones - I feel much more confident, have less problems with keeping eye contact etc. - I still suck at conversations other than making a little fun here or there or if it goes really deep into a topic that I love (for me that’s mostly about making music). Smalltalk just feels ‘unnatural’ - that’s really the most fitting word here. I know only practice will help - but that seems to take forever… What I hope helps me a little is taking some serotonin boosters (5-htp especially) which seem to put me into a better overall mood and especially seem to reduce my social anxieties. I know that in the end only practise will make the real difference - but maybe it can help a little getting more practise and making it easier? Don’t know yet…

What’s strange is that if I’m alone with someone else I’m much better at talking than if I’m in a group. Maybe there’s something like ‘conversational laziness’ involved - if I have to talk I do it, if others can take that part I’ll let them…

5

Kinda. For example, this one bitch I knew asked me “How does it feel to be worthless?” I was. . . FAIL. It’s haunted me all year and I only recently got over it with the help of Mark. But now, if I’m ever asked that again, depending on if its by a male/female, it’s going to go like this:
Asshole on the other end of the conversation: How does it feel to be worthless?
Me: I dunno, lemme find someone who does know Make a 360 turn so I’m facing the asshole again “Hey, how does it feel to be worthless?”
Asshole: condescending response/blows you off
Me: “Thanks you twat/crusty lady” make another 360 so I’m facing the asshole again “According to this twat/crusty lady I just asked, It sucks” walk off

6

That’s some good points Bubblebob and I’ll add a little to your rep (And Eldros too). Maybe I should seek some further counselling on this issue ,maybe medication. Yes, 1 on 1 is much easier than in a group for me, too.

Maybe I am just not a very socially open person. Like I said I’m a wolf. Naturally introverted. But I ought to try a little, I gues.

And Eldros, if somebody told me I was worthless, at this point in my life I would just say “you know, that statement you made just reflects more on you than it does me”. But most people that would be over their heads. Or I wouldn’t say anything at all. It’s probably the “wrong” thing to say socially, but that’s what I would feel.

I had some dudes one time at a gas station, totally ignorant drive up to me in their Civic laughing at my beautiful Honda Reflex. “Haha hahhaa scooter… You loser”. I just dismissed them as ignorant because they didn’t realize what I was riding and was in fact, dressed appropriately for a machine that could go 85 mph and probably out accelerate their POS to a stoplight. I could overlook it. Maybe it gave me no “cred” but I didn’t care, they were just kids. Incidentally, I’ve never had a real motorcyclist say a thing bad about my scooters, so that was another rationalization- they don’t ride, they were just chicken shits that were jealous. It didn’t even phase me that much, I’m tougher than that.

I do make small talk with an older woman who is at the grocery store, but she isnt’ always there. It is easy to talk to her, and she asks me about how I’m doing or my motorcycle. One time I correct her and told her that I didn’t need the groceries bagged up as I’d put it in the trunk, and that lead to a brief convo explaining to her that I was riding a scooter (they usually have trunks), and why I was dressed the way I was, etc. I don’t see her alot, though, but she usually talks to me a bit. Alot of these other younger women, they are intimidated around me and I’m intimidated by them. It’s like they are sending messages to me" don’t talk to me, I don’t want to talk to you". They avoid my eye contact, too, whereas the older woman does not (she’s in her 40’s, I’d guess).

7

I think scooters are awesome :smiley:.

8

Yes, very great… but not for everybody. When I meet another motorcyclist or scooterist there’s an instant connection. The neighbor down the street, I don’t even know him. I just know he has to be a pretty good guy because whenever I ride past him, I get a thumbs up or a “motorcycle wave” (index and ring finger up, it means “keep the shiny side up” two fingers down means “keep the rubber side down”), and sometimes I’ll honk my horn back or return the “wave”. (BTW, I also do have a motorcycle). But it’s like “instant socialization”. I get strangers comming up to me all the time asking me how many MPG I get- this usually gets them awe struck :slight_smile: (especially the little gal on the left, she gets about 110 miles per gallon), or telling me they’ve got one at home. It’s sort of nice… because what else do I talk about?

9

Small talk is not to bad to learn to do, like eldros mentioned you just need to know what to talk about. You do this by observing a person and then drawing them in with a question and it just takes off from there.

Like motorcycle guy, Hey nice bike, how fast does she go ??? small talk is born.

Grocery store, Hey those melons look good (snort) have you ever tried them before ??? I have had the peaches they are superb but I wasn’t so sure about the melons LOL I know boring but you see the pattern statement questions statement.

Anyways questions (don’t over do it) keep the small talk flowing and create sort of a comfort zone for the other person. Cause in all likelihood they may be nervous about small talk to. You will encounter people who just don’t respond or panic cause they don’t know what to say but Ishine and IO will cut down on that

:angry: Eldros how dare that bitchy lady, you just remember what people put out into the universe they get back 3 fold and she will get it back. Bitch is lucky I wasn’t there. http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_2_103.gif

You should of calmly said, I don’t know I have never been worthless but I bet you know.

Tisha

[

http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb098&pp=ZKxdm021NUUS (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZKxdm021NUUS) (http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb098_ZKxdm021NUUS&utm_id=7926)

10

Tisha, what do you think about a man asking for help? I’ve noticed men rarely do this… my dad never did, either. He’d rather spend 10 minutes looking than ask anybody. Is this attractive/unattractive? I’m thinking it might be a good way to elicit more socialization. I have the nasty habit of never asking for anything.

It might be a good way to also lower a woman’s guard… too. I seem to be intimidating alot of peopple, but if I ask for help, that might make me approachable, right? Guys don’t really seem intimidated by me so much, or they are “placating” but friendly, so I feel OK asking them for help alot of the time already.

I just want you 2 cents. Thanks.

11

Women are nurturers, by nature we like to help as long as you don’t become needy and are constantly asking for help. In my job men often stop and ask directions or male customers ask for non job related help and I don’t think less of them. Its when they do it all the time that you start seeing weakness which is unattractive. Men are the ones who perceive it as weak and unattractive really. If a women knows you need help but wont ask for it we see that as weak and lacking confidence.

Tisha

12

Thank you for the advice, Tisha… I have my journal up now. Please, somebody read it Daedelus' journal It feels really lonely with only 2 posts.

13

I have read it buddy & given you reps for it :slight_smile: Really good Journal btw :smiley:

14

Snap! :slight_smile:

15

great thread! Been looking for something like this!

16

It’s ALL about listening and asking people the right questions. You don’t have to be a big talker. I’m not big on talking a lot myself. But I think what helps me attract people is that I listen and ask questions and seem genuinely interested in them. I feel like everyone out there has something or knows something that I don’t. I can learn something from everyone. And it’s like a game trying to learn little morsels of facts, or stories, or just random stuff from different people. People love to talk about themselves, and if you’re genuinely interested, that’s all that matters. Ask people how there day was. If you’re at a store/cafe, ask the employees if it’s been busy, etc. Ask questions that are like “how do you like…” or “how does xyz make you feel…” or when/where questions, or “what do you think of…?” etc. rather than the typical questions that can be answered with yes/no. Get people to open up to you. When someone says something, you can just regurgitate it back in question form to get them to elaborate.

For example, if a girl says she moved from Los Angeles to here, I’ll say, “oh really, you so you moved from LA?” and then she will just continue to talk about it. Try to see how much you can respond to people with just questions that are open-ended.

Small talk is just stuff like the weather, sports, news, etc. and if you just take a quick glance at Yahoo’s front page each morning, you can get an idea of what to mention to people. Or you can talk about the same thing you talked with one person, with the next. Like if you talk with your coworker about some game, take what they said and start a conversation with someone else with what they told you about, as if you already knew it. It’s mostly about know what to say where/when. Picking up on clues about people’s interests, etc. If you know a coworker is into something, then just ask them about that. Just 1 simple question can get people talking endlessly. And like I said, most people are just dying for someone to genuinely listen to them.

17

I am a big talker, maybe that’s my problem. I like to talk about things usually that interest me, and sometimes I have trouble listening to things I know nothing about. I guess I can try to feign interest.

Sports is a big peeve of mine- I can rarely relate to it. That probably doesn’t hurt with women, though, as they usually don’t talk about sports, either. Some of the sports I can feign interest in and I do know a little bit about baseball/football, etc. (I’m not a moron after all, I know the rules and even some of the jargon), but I don’t actually watch that much of it and really couldn’t tell you anything about a single player.

18

I’m a quiet one even if I don’t recognise it myself other people see me as quiet. Im working on my small talk too, I hate talking about myself so I’ve adopted the take a “genuine intrest approach”. It’s all aout letting people talk about themselves. I’m learning how to ask open ended questions rather than sound like an interregator.