Suggestions for dealing with a racist cow?

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Women's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports
1

Hi Guys

Got a bit of a problem with a woman at work. She made a comment in front of me to a group of people that - suffice it to say - I considered racist and offensive. I wasn’t sure at the time if it was directed at me. But I was the only person in that room the comment could be applied to. I used to kind of get on okay with her, but she was odd enough with me to make me suspect something was “off”.

Anyway, being adult about it. I sent her an email when it happened. I didn’t put in an official complaint. I just wrote to her, privately, and politely said I found what had happened a bit hurtful and offensive. I said that I knew not everyone liked people of my nationality and that was her choice, but asked her to consider how she would feel if she had been in my position in that company at that time.

I finished by saying that I was writing so that we could hopefully prevent the situation from happening again. I was a bit wary so I copied the email to myself and kept it.

A big part of me was sure this was probably a misunderstanding. My email was a little formal but very polite. But since then she has cut me dead, won’t talk to me, and has gone around insulting me behind my back. She has never tried to discuss it with me or work on it. I have tried to be civil and say hello and so forth but she just ignores me and won’t even enter a room if I am one of the people in it.

Now this is incredibly juvenile behaviour but there is a really nasty vibe with it. I could use some advice on pheros here. Either something that will calm her down, or will give out at a very confident, assured vibe that sends a kind of “don’t mess” or “best left alone” signal.

What I don’t want is something that makes me seem too soft and fluffy because she will most likely see that as “victim here”.

All advice welcome

May

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A314 along with something feminine like TAL.

or MX134.

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A formal complaint to HR! You have absolutely no reason to put up with this crap. Period!:angry:

Also, remember that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 4 to reach out and smack this a$$hole up side the head!:smiley:

4

I’d have to agree…I think this lady is forgetting what it is to be a professional! Atleast I wouldn’t take that crap at work. I know it can become very uncomfortable to work with people that you just dont seem to get that good vibe…been there and it sucks! :open_mouth:

But when it comes to pheros…MX 135, MX 134, Instant Shine might help, but then again that might not change her personality! Some people are just rude by nature lol :roll_eyes:

U know what maybe some Instant Honesty will initiate some true feelings in the conversation…although i could see how this could be deadly too jajaja :smiley: Goodluck!:wink:

5

I can’t believe you are even considering a pheromone to take the place of a formal complaint.

That’s absurd!

From reading this I get two distinct pictures: Either something BIG in your report is missing, or you are taking pheromone usage way to seriously? It just doesn’t make any sense to me!

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May only asked about pheromones, but I agree that talking to HR would be appropriate - or at least it would in the US.

7

Racism to me is a dispicable disgusting practice that needs to be stomped out and I just don’t want May, (who seems pretty cool) to take it lightly or to let the person off the hook.

IMHO too many people are victimized by racism and they tend to internalize it as something they did to instigate it. Racism is ignorance and has nothing to do with the person victimized by it.

8

Hi all,

There is a bit of a difficulty, our department is currently being reviewed and might well be closed down.

The political tensions in the dept are horrible, we have lately had a spate of resignations due to personality conflicts. This has not gone unnoticed, it is a small dept, there are only 13 of us, all told and four have resigned in the last few months, this has not gone unnoticed.

To throw a racism complaint in against this person - at this time - could be the final straw. Particularly as I would have to call in about three members of staff as witnesses who heard it - but did nothing.

I don’t want to be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. So for the time being I am not engaging with her games. Either she will get bored or she will push it.

Once the review is over, if it continues, I will complain. She can do no harm to me, I cannot be fired from the dept. Hard to explain, but they don’t pay my salary.

I am using the term racism because the slur was racist, in a very Scots way. I am English and she is Scottish. We have sectarianism here - as they do in Northern Ireland. The weird thing is - although I am English, I am half-Irish and was bought up as a Catholic - although I am an atheist by choice. She knows all this but still used the fact I was born in England to verbally attack me.:confused:

But. I really don’t think at heart this is about my nationality. As I said, she had been a bit “off” with me before. I think she has done this because it is the easiest tool to thump me verbally with.

What I think it is about is the fact that a man she is very interested in - although she is married (as is he) - spends a lot of time talking to me as he is my best friend. She has made comments like “why is he different with you than he is with me?”

For example, at our Christmas dinner she told him he couldn’t sit next to me and made a fuss until he sat elsewhere and refused to swop seats when he asked later on. She has frequently asked me if I want to sleep with this guy or if I fancy him.

She is being racist, but - I believe - not because she IS a racist but because she thinks something is going on between me and this guy. Obviously, she has not got the balls to make that the issue. So it’s the fact that I am “scum” because I am “not catholic or Irish and I am a cockney, English b*st**d”

My pal of course, who is incidentally her boss, is totally unaware of all of this. I really can live without going to HR. If it continues of course I will.

Steveo, I don’t think pheromones will solve this problem. But if it gives me a five percent confidence boost to ignore her childishness - on the days when I am a bit below par - and gives her a 5 per cent subliminal “might not be a good idea to wind her up” message. Then it’s worth having! :slight_smile:

My feeling is, she will shoot herself in the foot without any action on my part.:slight_smile:

May

9

Just send a simple, to the point email to HR with an exact quote of what she said. Her words will get her into plenty of trouble. It is not your problem to solve.

10

If you are looking to give out a “don’t mess with me” vibe, I agree with Carrie. I would go with MX 134. It gives out a very professional, in control aura.

MX 135 and Shine are good to lift your spirits as well as those around you, but may be a little softer than what you want. Especially MX 135. It is quite a “girly” thing…and you say that is not really what you are looking for.

Try the MX 134. I think it is exactly what you need.

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Im an expert in Laws dealing with racial discrimination, from what I have read here, it seems like a work place harrasement issue and not
racial discrimination as such. If it is affecting your personal life and working life, I think you should address it immediatly with the individual involved, if nothing comes from that, make a informal complaint with someone that is higher in the company, perhaps the issue can be resolved by a third party, if that proves futile, you may need to seek professional advice from outside your company.

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This is not a problem that can be solved with pheromones.

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Awww.. thanks Bronzie and everyone! :slight_smile:

I know it can’t be solved with pheros. I’m just looking for some pheros that will help me feel a bit more confident and comfortable within myself while I deal with it and figure out what, if anything, I want to do next.

I know pheros are not a magic wand for anything - trust me I do! But, as I have said I’m just looking for something to give the impression that I have a couple of per cent more confidence than I might be feeling.

Most days - she can pull this stuff and i just think it’s her problem not mine. After all, the way she is behaving is not about any problems i have, but more about problems she has with herself and her outlook.

Most days, she can glare at me all she likes and I just find it sad and very silly. But we all have occasional days when we aren’t firing on all cylinders.

Today is the first day she managed to get to me - which she would have loved if she knew, but I think I covered that well!

I just want something I can spritz on to help me feel more confident and in control on crappy days and maybe give a slight aura of as Lor says "I’m the boss, applesauce!.

I KNOW it’s not a miracle cure for all, or any, ills :slight_smile:

May

14

You could always get some sweet revenge by giving her coffee a bit of an extra kick when she isn’t looking with some syrup of ipecac.

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Oh Thr3shold… don’t tempt me! (I am assuming that is a laxative or something!) :slight_smile:

Bronzie. I did try raising it gently with her. I politely and giving her every benefit of the doubt emailed her (cc to myself) and gently pointed out how hurt her comments made me feel, and asked if there was a way we could avoid similar incidents in future.

I got no response and since them she has been avoiding me, glaring, insulting me behind my back.. I say “hello” to her in the corridor and she just glares at me and says nothing.

It’s weird… she says something awful to me… I gently say that what she said made me feel hurt and that makes me the bad guy.

It’s like I’m bad because she hurt me. I took great care not to say “you upset me” but said instead “I felt upset”. I did not use any accusatory language at all, just stated calmly how it made me feel hurt.

It’s like she expects me to apologise for her hurting me.

Weird… like I say, it is more about her problems than it is about me!:confused:

May

16

Thanks everyone :slight_smile:

You’ve all been great about this, and given me a lot of food for thought. I’m going to think long and hard about starting a formal complaint tomorrow. I just want to be really sure that’s the only way I can go - because you can’t put toothpaste back in the tube.

I think MX314 needs to go in the shopping cart… and a bottle of the Instant Dolly can go in with it if it comes out in time, one for daytime… one for evening! :wink:

You’re all fab by the way!
Group hug? :smiley:

May

17

On top of all her boy-girl issues, I wonder if, given the tense situation at work, she may be afraid you’re going to use this incident against her - the fact that you documented it in an email might have led her to think so (not faulting you at all, though!)

18

It has been my experience that victims are often blamed for being victims by the victimizer.

Syrup of ipecac is part of the more extensive first aid kits or those that deal specifically with drug overdose. It will almost instantaneously induce uncontrollable projectile vomiting. This will go on until they completely evacuate their stomach.

Then they start dry heaving.

19

Oh…

Where can I get some of this stuff? :smiley:

May

20

Around here pharmacys sell it.