The First Phero-Adventures of a Married Man

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Men's Journals
41

This is a very common problem - I had it with my wife and my mom and a several other users have reported it also. I can take a couple weeks toget past but once they sub-consciously adapt to a changing signature then you should be OK.

She may have been also reacting to the P83 but usually one of the better points of P83 is that you usually avoid the downside of 'none - aggression/OD - while getting the upside - attraction. But it could be with the British arriving - it is causing irritation - esp. when combined with her getting used to you shifting phero-signature.

The best advice is Renny’s - keep it simple at first.

If she is irritable - try the IFM by itself for a few days.

After that maybe try using the Instant Gentleman - warm, smooth, suave - with no 'none to hit aggressive notes. May be just the thing until she gets used to the “new” you.

42

JC, it’s obvious that you and your wife are very close. Think of this from her side for a moment.

A. you are smelling of neroli and musk.
B. being around you is affecting her in different and sometimes conflicting/confusing ways.
C. You’re watching her every movement. (Hey you don’t want to miss a reaction, I understand…she doesn’t)

In other words my friend you are being weird!

It’s OK. We all get excited by these products and want to see them work, want to understand them, and heck, want to report something FUN to our new friends on this forum.

Take a few deep breaths, lighten up, and above all listen to Bosshank. Use one product, Instant Female Magic is good to start, for 5 days, take 2 days off, switch to Instant Gentleman for 5 days, take 2 days off, switch to something else, Instant Shine maybe.

Once things seem to be settling down and she starts getting use to those three then come back and add a little Turn Up The Heat or P83 to spice things up. Change your sig slowly, but abruptly, and don’t wear more than 2 sprays of anything for a while until she gets used to your new “cologne”.

Best of luck JC, I think you are going to be a great and unique friend on this forum. Your honesty and candid style is a lot of fun. HAVE FUN…but go slow!

43

All right, ren! Great approach,

44

Just following some of my mentors :wink:, It’s great to see you around MarkL.

45

I’ll follow your plan… It makes sense, and I realize I have tried to rush things…

46

Hey JC.

River dropped a post on my “intro” suggesting my situation reminded her of yours. So, I’ve been (as time permits) reading through the thread. And although I am about as green as one can get on the topic, I do have a suggestion.

Your sense of frustration is indeed very similar to mine. Married 10+ years, children, wife who no longer desires physical relations (“tired”, “headache”, “I’m reading my book”, “kids are awake”,” you’ll wake the kids”.)

It seems as though your wife is just paying you no well deserved respect. One of those “It’s ok for me, but not for you” attitudes. I too remind my wife regularly of how wonderful she looks. I do go out of my way to ease her burdens. I know it’s difficult to be home with the children and to take care of the home front. Our role structure is opposite yours, in that my wife does part-time contract work from home, while I venture out into the Wild West and hunt game. (I’m American… thought the Brits would get a chuckle). So, on the weekends, I get up early and clean the house (as best a man can), make sure the kitchen is spotless (don’t know why I obsess about the kitchen), beds are made, kids fed and dressed. And then I encourage them to come play outside while I get started on the yard work.

When her neck is sore, I never have an issue to drop what I’m doing and give her a nice neck/shoulder/back massage. I cook dinner as often as I can. Although she’ll bitch about the mess I made, I always clean up. You know I can go on and on here, but you get the picture.

What I’ve realized is that my wife simply does not respect me. In short, she is using me. And unfortunately, there is no getting this through to her, for she can do no wrong :roll_eyes: . My marriage is very one sided because my wife refuses to ever try to look at life through my eyes. For example, how she refuses to even consider that the (physical relations) status quo is a significant source of tension between us.

This is one reason, although no experience with real phero’s, that I was considering the A314 on my first order. What I’ve been told about this particular phero is that it is creates an aura of power to which is responded to with respect. Perhaps that’s why I’ve seen posts that people reserve this one for the work environment. In a socially healthy relationship however, I would tend to think that this would create a more dominant/subservient experience, which could be destructive rather than beneficial. However, in situations as ours, I would tend to think that the A314 could bring the balance of respect to an equilibrium.

Well, those are my 2-cents. If the elders of the house think I’m a dork, feel free to put me back in the chair of humility:o .

Best of luck. I look forward to your future posts, and hope to soon have a few posts of my own.

Cheers,
Alph

47

Tater thinks youre way too focused on Turn Up the Heat. Youre in a long term relationship. Whats your wifes hair color?

I would suggest 1x IFM for a week with no other pheros, sprayed behind the neck. If she responds well to that, composite 1x IFM + 4x IH + 10mcg P86. Do that for a week. Then, start adding P83 at 10 mcg one week. See the reaction. Add 5 mcg the next week if she’s still good with it. When shes a week before her period, add 2x TUTH for ONE day, then no more until 3 days later, then 1x TUTH again. Report back.

Dont be too needy. The idea is to make it her idea, which you cant do if youre staring at her all day. If you have female friends, try to pick up the scent of woman by getting hugs, preferably while your wife is around so that she doesnt’ think youre cheating, but may get jealous.

Next thing is that your wife is acting as though her interests are elsewhere. Are you keeping yourself attractive? Are you certain there isnt someone attractive who is standing in as her eye candy? Im not saying that shes cheating. Im saying that shes thinking of you as a chore and you arent sensitive enough to realize it.

Feel free to ignore Taters advice. Hes just guessing.

48

Tater : I am never ignoring advice… I appreciate the time that each and everyone of you has been taking to ‘help’ me :wink:…

Alph : I realized that I may have made my situation look worse than it actually is… Yes there are frustration, but not to a point of lack of respect or anything…

I have my flaws, and I understand that some of them can be off-putting some times for her.

My experience with the phero was to try to make sex more important than everyday little troubles in her mind (at least that is how it works for me… I tend to use sex as a feel good miracle cure :smiley:, I am a bit of a bonobo there, Sex is a great social tool in a relationship. I just want my wife to see it the same way…). My marriage otherwise is a happy one, don’t get me wrong…

As to answer your question about her hair colour, she is a brunette from Italian descent, and the sense of smell of a german shepherd…:smiley:

I think I will start again the experiment on a very slow pace this time, taking my time…

I will start with Instant Female Magic today… (I am supposed to meet her this afternoon) I’ll spray on the back of the neck before I leave home and see what her reaction his to just that one.

What do you experts suggest if there is no adverse or no reaction at all ?

49

Alph, you need MX103, not A314, along with some TAC, P86, P83 and possibly MX203 (if shes a natural blonde or fair-skinned woman). IH 4x + IFM will round out the set for you. Then you need to change tactics. You NEED the scent of a woman on you, and you need to stop being immediately available to her.

Are you certain shes well-rested, in good health and doesnt have serious stuff on her mind? Are you attractive? Do you know what your wife originally found attractive in you? For example, i have woman-friends who are into teeth. Others are into a clean-shaven face. Think of your wife in flannel pajamas and her hair up in pink curlers. Sexy, eh? Is she depressed?

What happens if you act friendly, but as though you arent attracted to her? Do you flirt, with her and other women?

Women dont have the same sex drive as men. Its way too easy for them to super-value spending time with the kids or entertaining. Sometimes the sudden transition from “being pursued” to “its just not worth pursuing you” can bring out something, but do your homework first and dont let her sense the slightest bitterness or youre wasting time. Have you thought about professional counseling?

Tater would be tantalizing her with stories about the hot receptionist at work, trying to bring out her competitiveness.

“You just gotta see the new receptionist we have at work. She is so beautiful! All the guys just float around her. Its pretty funny.”

“Including you?”

“Oh, hon, don’t get jealous! Just dreaming of better days.”

“Aren’t we having good days?”

“Of course we are. I love you very much. I just like to daydream about the possibilities between our annual romps in the hay. (tease) I’m gonna take the kids out for a movie. See ya in a few.”

Shell obsess over what exactly you meant by that, which is why you need to grab the kids and RUN out of the house after dropping a bomb like that.

50

Tried to compress things down to several of the key thoughts here … the issue of respect in a marriage is key … and women often do not realize how much they damage a marriage by not being respectful to their husbands or by denying both of them a healthy sex life …

Check out these books …

Love & Respect but Eggerichs

The Sex-Starved Marriage by Davis

I have gotten very good feedback on these …

51

I don’t know JC, but your wife’s actions do not reek of respect, IMO. When hubby and I were going thru our “trials”, and when I was treating him the way your wife treats you, one realization that I had was that I did not respect him, some days I wasn’t even sure if I still loved him or not. :open_mouth: I thought he could (and should) be a better father and husband and was focusing on the things that I did not like about him rather than the good things. And the things that I did not like about him really, really irritated me to the point that I was like “don’t touch me”, almost to the point of repulsiveness, even his sexual needs eventually became repulsive. Poor guy, he really had no clue since I kept it all inside. Hence, the vicious cycle. Now that I’ve gotten my head out of my a$$, so to speak, and realized what I needed to be for my husband and how I needed to act, life is much improved and I’m seeing positive results from the changes that I’ve made in myself. My hubby is in NO way as attentive as you and Alph, but I’m ok with that now and am actually starting to see a slow shift in his behavior in that direction :slight_smile: and I know it has more to to with me than him.

Trust me, for most women, to have or not to have sex is NEVER JUST ABOUT sex…we make it WAAAAYYY more complicated than that :roll_eyes: . Its about love, trust, RESPECT, ect. and if one of those is missing…well, it just ain’t gonna happen!

I hope you don’t mind my butting in all the time…it’s just that I feel for ya, I really do!! Makes me feel REALLY, REALLY guilty about how I treated my hubby, intentional or not.

~~River

52

And that vicious cycle goes something like this:

She is irritated because of X. For what ever reason (lack of communication, etc.) X is not resolved, so she gets irritated and usually verbally snarky. Respect for husband starts going down. He may try harder or may do nothing, but unless X gets resolved, everything else does not matter. Irritation keeps going up, respect shown to husband goes down to the point even if he is trying he will stop because he sees it does not matter what he does. Now at the same time because he does not get respect from his wife (which is what most guys want) then his incentive to show loving acts - and resolve X - goes way down. She becomes more irritated … and it becomes a death spiral …

Until … someone like River sees what is happening and says wait a minute … because most wives with a husband who cares will usually see improvement in the situation once they start treating their husbands with respect again just as River is doing. Once guys see that their wives respect them it gives them incentive to resolve or do whatever - which to the wife is showing the love she thought she was not seeing in the first place …

What a lot of women do not realize is how important an active sex life is to their husbands (in most cases) and that with-holding sex for whatever reason only makes matters worse as at a certain point from a guys perspective his wife is saying she does not respect him even at that basic level … even if that is not her intent.

But given the fact that you are trying - she needs to realize that she needs to treat you with respect because you are her husband and are trying hard …

Get the books if you can …

The counseling thing could certainly help also.

53

“Something” is eating at her, no matter how much she tells you or you think that everything is OK. If it were ok, you wouldn’t be in this situation.

I think she does not realize how devastating her actions, or lack thereof, are to you. Maybe she knows it’s not right but doesn’t know how to deal with it or even the REAL root of it. For me, my husband’s drinking was the catalyst, the real root of it, for the beginning of the nearly end of our marriage. Everything else that I found wrong with him was really just fuel for the fire. It was easy to nit-pick. Luckily, I figured out how I could change my actions to affect his actions. I let go of all that other “little” stuff and focused on the real problem. Alcohol and all of his nasty little friends are not easy to defeat. :angry: Now, I’m not saying that you have a problem such as that, but apparently there’s something about you (or your relationship) that she just can’t get past or let go of.

I totally agree…that’s about as basic as respect between husband and wife can get.

I agree with the guys. Keep the pheros simple, stick to the socials to see if she opens/loosens up at all. If not, please, please, please stop beating your head against the wall and get some help, whether it be from books or a professional, maybe even attend a marriage conference if you can. Just know that you have many friends here and can count on us to give you our two cents worth :wink:

Keep us posted, will ya? And good luck with the Female Magic (I’ve been curious about that one myself).

~~River

PS: cute kid :slight_smile:

54

River… I think I’ve just fallen for you. :slight_smile:

Think you and I could talk off-line sometime? I’m particurlarly interrested in how you came to the realization that you were damaging things. I don’t understand women, despite how much I try. But, I try to find ways to make my wife understand this and the response I always get is that I am being childish, or that I"m some kind of a perv. Very disenchanting.

Even last night, our 14th anniversary, “it” was offered, but conditioned. 5 or 10 minutes. None of this or that. Lights off, etc. I was so completely turned off by her approach that I just said “nevermind, I don’t need it that bad.”

55

Well, Alph, I’m not sure that I understand women either:o but I’m flattered and will help you if I can. Sometimes just having a sounding board helps. Just send me a PM & we can chat.

Ouch! Been there…done that…:open_mouth: I may not have said that exactly, but I’ve sure had the thought! De ja vu…

56

Just in case… I am working from a blackberry at the moment. So all the grammar and spelling checks, quotes, punctuation… It all goes out the window.

Moving on..

Boss, hear, hear!

When I was a kid, I’d hear stories, be they from a television show, friend of a friend, or whatever. Things like husbands cheating because they needed “it”. Being young and idealistic, I always thought down of men who would do such things, criticizing them as greedy, week, self-absorbed or whatever.

Now as an adult and do some personal reflection, there is clearly a physiological effect from (or lack of) sex. When I get it, the following few days I am blissful. Good mood, cheery-eyed, lots of fun to be around. Around day 7, that mood deteriorates to normal mode. Not grumpy and brooding. Just normal, happy, content.

The mood continues to decline as the time from the previous encounter increases. I become easily irritated and my fuse gets shorter. Another week passes and I become grumpy around her.

But, I am not allowed to bring it up because, she’ll fire back “I don’t give you any because that’s all you talk about”, even though it’s now been over a month.

Another week goes by and I start getting snippy and spiteful. I say to myself “the hell with her ‘no wearing shoes in the house’ rule” and don’t even bother to wipe them on the door mat when I walk in.

Innevitably, something will be said and kaboom, and we won’t speak for a few days.

There’ll be a pseudo make-up, but nothing will happen for another week because she’ll have just gotten her period.

Eventually, I will finally be granted access and my mood swings up. Things are good, but the cycle never changes.

So, I hate to say it, but I am one of those guys that “needs” it. When I try to explain this to her, she thinks its all fun and games for me. I’ve tried explaining the psychological and physiological impact I suffer as a result, I also try to explain how her methods of suffocation have destroyed the past 10 years.

I guess my point is, with regard to the Boss’s ref to the “vicious cycle”, that she needs to be the one to initiate a change. Once that happens, I am instantly a better person.

57

Ummm, yep, that sounds familiar:o

Yeah, you and every other healthy, red-blooded male I’ve met :slight_smile: It is, after all, a perfectly natural urge.

Well, I never thought it was fun and games for my hubby. However, I didn’t fully understand the ramifications either. We went to a marriage conference once and one thing that really struck home for me was that I had a misconception that marriage was a 50/50 deal, when, in fact, it needs to be 100/100!! I had been thinking that I was putting waaayyy more effort into it than he was, and I really resented that :angry: . However, at the end of the day, the truth of light convicted me and I had to admit to myself that I was not putting forth all that I should and could have been. I was being selfish and thinking only of my needs instead of the big pictue (marriage, family):o . I LOVE to snuggle, and cuddle, and talk and feel like I’m wanted, loved, and respected and I just wasn’t getting that (and often still don’t). I was REALLY lonely but I realized that some of it was self-inflicted. It is still a daily, conscious effort that I put forth. I guess that’s why they say marriage is a constant work-in-progress. Do I still feel that I put more into it than hubby? Sure, sometimes (as does he, I’m sure :slight_smile: ) but I have seen the gradual, positive results from the changes in myself and know that we’re on the right track.

You’re right, Alph, but you can’t do that for her. It’s got to be something she decides or it just won’t work.

I’ll be honest with you, for hubby and me, it got worse before it got better. I went to a couple of therapy sessions to help me get a handle of his drinking problem. He refused to admit that he had one and wouldn’t go with me. The therapist explained how the nasty cycle of alcoholism works (actually very similar to the vicious cycle you explained above) and with that knowledge and the changes that I’ve made in myself, we’ve gotten that tamed down quite a bit but I still struggle with trusting him 100%. It took the threat of divorce, a few therapy sessions, a marriage conference, our pastor, and a really great friend who listened to my problems like a saint before things started turning around.

Until she has that epiphany, don’t expect a miracle from the pheros :frowning: . Sounds like she gets pretty defensive when you try to have a heart-to-heart. Maybe you should consider something like a marriage conference or professional help. Maybe take her away for a weekend and douse on the Instant Honesty and get this crud out into the open, once and for all, ‘cause it’s cloggin’ the ol’ marriage pipes!!

Thanks for listening to all my psycho babble!

~~River

58

Exactlly - and again a lot of women do not understand how strong the urge is in guys and how important sex is to a marriage for guys.

Don’t take this wrong as I am not throwing any stones at you … because usually one party has to do more changing than the other - but there is usually some fine-tuning for both sides. But often - even in River’s case where the problem was her husband’s problem with alcohol and she had a right to be upset by it - the wife is going to have to treat her husband with respect if she is going to see the results she wants. Don’t know why this is - but it seems to be the case.

Amen - and that is often part of the thinking that poisons a marriage.

Sometimes you are gonna be putting out 110% to their 75%. And it does not hurt to occassionally lovingly but succintly point out they need to reprioritize …

But you will never see the forest if you are focusing on only one tree - yours.

Now neither one of us is saying be an absolute door mat … but you cannot focus on yourself if your marriage and family are going to be successful.

It does not take much to throw a marriage off track sometimes - but can take a lot to get it back humming along …

Great job River - and thanks for sharing your situation with us …

59

Hubby’s alcohol problem was only one of many in our marriage. My reactions to it made up a lot of the rest. For a while, I felt justified in how I was acting but after a while, I was just plain 'ol lonely and desperate. We were in a really deep hole, and I had helped to dig it :open_mouth: . I REALLY had to start concentrating on the positive things about him to re-awaken my respect for him and for him to feel respected. I think it was at the marriage conference where I heard, AND FINALLY UNDERSTOOD, that respect and a healthy sex life go hand-in-hand for men. So, that’s one of the reasons why I’m here, looking to rev up the 'ol sex life. I want to give that to him.

JC & Alph, it IS possible to get that spark back…you just gotta figure out a way to get out of that rut. The first step is realizing the problem, the second is reaching out for help, so I think you’re on the right track…just keep working at it. I mean, look at me…I went from wanting to serve divorce papers to hubby all the way to wanting to “serve” :smiley: hubby, if ya know what I mean <wink><wink>.

There’s so much more than sex involved here…

60

River - we need to open a counselling section on this forum … lol. Of course we have also hijacked JC’s journal here …