2011-09-26 Monday
dosage: inhaled a whiff of A-1 out of curiosity; later A314 oil 4 drops @ 2.30 pm
set: nice mood before A-1. And nice mood again later…
setting: home at first, then another cafe and then meeting
noted self effects: A-1 as expected bad. But after ‘clearing’ and A314 I felt great again!
ppl exposed: A-1: no-one. A314 meeting with café-girls and other ppl
had been planning to test A-1 today actually, there was a thing planned where any negative self-effects would not have been a problem, and any positive effects on females would have been a plus, sorry can’t be specific. But that thing was cancelled so I decided to go with A314 as usual. Just for curiositys sake I opened up the A-1 bottle and just inhaled a good whiff, about a minute ago (~noon). And now I got a phero-rush but not uplifting as those usually are, more towards the somber and introverted. Also, I can feel blood flow to my nose and forehead. Gotta be careful with this one before I use it, need to dilute it as recommended in K-Trains excellent A1 guide. And I think I will try it one or two times on my own to get an idea of self-effects and application points.
Wow… I was really in a great mood this morning, now I feel, well not depressed but not in the mood to do anything really. So I’m gonna try something, try to clear my smelling organ with a small whiff of ammonia, like what olympic lifters use sometimes before lifting (smelling salts are based on ammonia). [sniff] Ok, I have to say that worked pretty ok actually. After googling it turns out that either this makes the body release adrenaline for a few seconds, or they work by activating some sort of reflex that makes you breathe deeper and faster. Either way, it works, but prolonged use will mess up the mucous membranes, as ammonia is an irritant and in high concentrations dangerous. I just opened the bottle (household ammonia), waited a few seconds and then waved some fumes towards me and inhaled through the nose. Even at such a low dose compared to what lifters do, still was unpleasant. An hour after smelling A-1 and 45 minutes after ammonia I feel no aftereffects, from the A-1 nor the ammonia.
– update
So we had another of those rather bad meetings in the combined bookstore/café. The Ogre was there but he got put down quite a lot from several of us. Meeting was really slow and like wading through deep mud the first hour, but I kept my mood ok considering the setting. I think I also succeded to lift the mood of some others in the meeting, keeping a positive and constructive focus. That’s actually one of the ‘good’ things about dealing with ogre-like people: you have an excellet opportunity to learn to focus on what’s meaningful and discard what is not, cause you really have few alternatives…
After the meeting I stayed behind as did a couple of the café girls: LO4, JU4, YG4, VE4 and IS4. I did some easy fixing of the PA system and their laptop, chatted around a bit. Was nice, I got ok ‘vibes’ from the girls, no noticeable IOI’s though.
But I have to be careful not to hang out too long after closing, I’m not really part of their work-group and sometimes I feel that I’m hanging around to get social appreciation, which is bad, bad, bad; very Beta behaviour. This time I chatted a little about a tattoo parlour that IS4 has started to work at, and I’m going there tomorrow for my derby tattoes: Yeah, many ppl in the roller derby scene here get tattoos of roller skates and now I’m getting mine, felt as the right time since I will be travelling with them to Canada in december. For some strange reason no one at the café has any connection to the derby scene, I’ll see what I can do about that… in the spring when there’s bouts played again.
Astrea; thank you very much for sharing this about your background. You know, sometimes I feel that there is a limit to what many people can understand about these things. I have a very good friend (ME1) that afaik never had any serious problems, almost always was popular, there’s always some guy or girl that is interested in her (she has a good dose of it). I love her as a friend (and 15 years ago, more that that) but she will probably never understand what deep loneliness is. To get the deepest part of it you just have to have been there yourself.
I have thought a bit over the years about the difference between blame and responsibility. I put blame on my parents and other adults like teachers for the horrors of my childhood; they were responsible for giving me a good enviroment to grow up in and they failed. But the responsibility for my life as soon as I left childhood was and is my own, however damaged and crippled I was. That’s the only way to see it: if I try to put responsibility on anyone else I also give them power over my life, and they surely have done enough damage to me as it is! They deserve blame for what they did then, but no responsibility for what my life will be onwards - that power I will keep to myself!
OK, enough psycho-babbel for today 