yes, Yes, YES!!! 
aaaww, now you made me feel bad for waiting this long to post…
2011-09-16 friday
dosage: A314 oil 4 drops, three on throat and one split on wrists
set: a little bit stressed
setting: train and hotel lobby
noted self effects: as before
ppl exposed: girl beside me on train, portier in hotel lobby
noted effects on others: some warm behaviour from woman on train, room upgrade (!) from hotel portier
Well, seems like I got one of those A314 hit benefits! When I came to the hotel at 9 pm, the portier greeted me in a heavy french accent. During the checking in he asked me if I wanted a room upgrade for 15 euro a night, I politely declined. I had chosen the next to cheapest suite @ 70 euro a night, the hotel was very centrally located and has 8.8 on booking dot com, and while not a fancy hotel still not a motel or hostel. However I was quite dressed down, wearing somewhat dirty sneakers, propper bdu’s and a fleece hoodie, I was after all focused on some heavy partying with some rough girls.
When the checking in was done he smiled at me and said that he upgraded me to the New York suite anyway and that I didn’t have to check out until 6 pm (normal checking out time is noon) OK, of course they had that room free and wanted it filled, hence the initial offer. But why give it to me?
Also, on the train a kinda cute girl of the next-door-type (my type) 25-29 yo sat down next to me (only free place) and was kinda friendly even though I hadn’t said hi or anything, she offered to get coffee from the bistro - that has never happened to me before. Thinking back I should’ve talked with her as she opened convo on me, but my mind was a bit preoccupied with Screamer..
2011-09-17 saturday
dosage: Ammo 2x - 2 sprays, reapplied after afternoon shower plus at night topped up with IS 2x
set: see below, apprehensive etc
setting: game, then afterparty at big venue, then after-afterparty at someones apartment
noted self effects: usual short phero rush.
ppl exposed: at sport stadium-too many to tell. At afterparty bartenders and a lot of friends
noted effects on others: sorry, I was too stupid to notice
The rest of the weekend was so-so. Saturday, the game was as always really fun and exciting. The afterparty otoh was less intense than last time, didn’t really have a lot of fun myself. Partly this was because half of my mind was on Screamer and that’s really not a good way to have fun, thinking about a girl and wondering if she thinks about you. I have not been a cool laid back guy about these things ever, but I understand that I need to be more like that. Needy guys are a general turn-off.
Well, the pattern from last time repeated itself with afterparty, rambling through streets to someone’s home and more afterparty. Difference was that me and Screamer didn’t connect so much this time. I was wearing 2 sprays of ammo 2x and I’ll admit to adding on a little IS later.
I think that problem was and is in my mind. On some level I got my hopes up about Screamer and really had focus on connecting with her and getting closer to her. I should have focused on having a good time in the first place. Yes Astrea, I did read your advice and I thought is was wise. I just didn’t have the self-control to make it so, also maybe wrong -mones (see end). Another problem is that her team doesn’t have any more games this year, so I have no ‘natural’ reason to travel to her city. We probably won’t meet until next year. So I was nervous and hoped to well, basically get together with her, get so close that it would be natural to visit her later, but I was also aware of the risk that I would be pushy &/or clingy so I kept some distance. And the result of that was, well not much of course. Other people was having fun, I was trying to have fun.
We left the after-afterparty around 4 am in a group, which dwindled down to just the two of us as others found their way back home. I asked her to show me the way to my hotel and she agreed since she lived not far from there and had a bike. We small talked a bit, she was quite drunk, me not so much. It was nice and so, didn’t feel any attraction from her side though. (at this point in time no mones can have been active.) I said that I didn’t leave until evening the next day, with the hidden hope of her offering to hang out, which she actually did. She said that she would make me dinner! We would meet at the scrimmage (=a roller derby training session in the form of a slightly informal match) the next day.
When we came close to my hotel I had this thought passing through my head of asking her up, but didn’t seriously consider it since she was drunk enough to be a bit unsteady on her feet and it was early morning and we were both tired.
On Sunday I’ll have to admit not remembering really what -mones I wore, I’d slept 4 hours and was a little hung-over. I think I continued with Ammo based on the thinking that me and Screamer had gotten off kinda good first time we met two weeks ago when I wore Ammo.
Anyway, I found my way to the place for the scrimmage and she turned up an hour later very very very hung-over and tired. Too hung-over to play and as it turned out to hung-over to hang out with me either. After the scrimmage I joked around a little with her about she still owe me a dinner for another time which she accepted playfully, so there was still an ok connection there. I really shoulda settled for that…
My problem here is that I had gone into a mind-set where Screamer and what she thought of and felt for me was much to important to me, important enough for me that the uncertainty was pulling my mood into nervousness, apprehension and passiveness. Sure, during the games I had a lot of fun and my focus was not more on Screamer than any other of the players (was her first bout and she did pretty good). But from then on it gnawed on my mind all the time.
So here comes the big big mistake. When on the train home I sent her a facebook-PM where I basically said “since I don’t know when I will meet you again I have to tell you I like you a lot, you were the brightest shining person in the room and in that company that’s saying something. I was close to asking you up to my hotel room but we were both too drunk. I see something very beautiful in you and if you can’t see yourself it I wanna show it to you.”
This was sent on sunday late evening and no answer at all yet, even though she has been logged on facebook everyday. She probably hadn’t noticed that I was interested in her, at least not noticed it consciously, so this PM may have come as a surprise.
To keep it on the subject of -mones, I think that I should make A314 my everyday -mone. I need that status lift a lot. I think that if I had gone with A314 @ 4 drops for everyday of the weekend I would maybe not have been as needy of Screamers approval. I mean, I didn’t get any dis-approval from her, actually the dinner thing may have been an IOI, at least it must’ve been on a friend level..
The new A314 card… Dont leave home without it…
That is hilarious! A314 at it’s finest.
AHA! Eureka!
You have found the solution to your own problem, in retrospect.
First thing I’d like to address, and this goes along with Social Dynamics and interaction with women…
We’ve gotta get you up on some knowledge of Cocky-Funny, Push-Pull, and Role Reversal!
You were on the right track with the ‘you owe me dinner’ remark.
One thing that I’ve found with women that is important is that you have to sometimes twist things around. In other words, here’s how you would have played the hotel card, using role reversal with some humor thrown in.
You: eye contact “I guess we can go to my hotel.” serious face, Take her hands in your palms “Feel free to come up, as long as you can behave yourself!” push her hands away and grin with a naughty smile.
Works like magic, and puts you into the ‘prize’ frame as opposed to her.
No putting people on pedestals!
Also, something else… when you see a hot chick and are nervous… picture her in bed, naked, screaming your name as ya get frisky with her.
Seriously!
Why?
Because this is an important factor in your facial expression. It makes your own confidence go up, and it will put a GREAT BIG SMILE on your face!!!
<—kinda like this guy, but way cooler.
Take care, my brother, and report often!
Chris
ps… here’s a idea for you… a314 + ammo. at a 4:1 ratio. Could be a nice test.
Well, got her reply just a minute ago and of course she doesn’t feel the same, but likes me in a friendly way and as a person, and she appreciates my honesty. Darn, but could’ve been worse I guess. Since we live ~5 hours by train I doubt we’ll see much of each other. Kinda bad cause I would actually like to be friends with her at least, if she was serious about that.
I think there’s no way for me to know if she could’ve been interested in me. A close female friend has said to me that I get interested too fast, faster than the one I’m interested in, and that may scare many girls away. So that’s a distinct possibility in this case, but also of course it’s also a possibility that she wouldn’t in a million years be interested in me.
If me and Screamer had lived in the same city I would’ve taken it a bit slower and tried to plant the idea of me in her mind a bit more. Things like making sure she saw me as a sexual beeing and not a sex-less male friend. Let that simmer for a week or two and then step it up and hint that I saw her as attratcive but in a off-hand way, to avoid coming off as needy and to not put pressure on her. To make her ask herself: “is this a guy that I could be attracted to?” without the question coming from me at all.
Gold, just gold. A twist on the public speaking trick! I love it. 
Think it’s gonna be a couple of weeks before I get over this girl, I could easily have fallen in love with her. Well, I didn’t and that’s good I guess.
I’m focusing on A314 for everyday use now, and take 1-2 days a week with another -mone for sweetspot testing.
2011-09-20 Tuesday
dosage: A314 oil 4 drops, three on throat and one split on wrists
set: nothing special
setting: café
noted self effects: as before
ppl exposed: KN3 (friend of ID2), ID2
KN3 is a close friend of ID2. I met her the first time over a year ago, thought she was gorgeuos and smart. That first time (pre-mones) we kinda connected on a friendly level and talked a bit. She got a boyfriend later and I haven’t felt any connection when we’ve run into each other since then. So today I was at the café, doing some on-line stuff, and she just came and sat down at my table and we chatted and it was really nice, as it felt the first time we met. She still has a b/f, so this is just friendly. Anyway, really nice. I guess self-effects may be a big part of this. I guess that I usually give off a bit of sexually desperate vibe on some sub-conscious level, since I am sexually desperate 
- but it must be very unattractive. With A314 I feel more relaxed and content. I guess there may be some -mone that we give of naturally that signals sexual need combined with low-status and nervousness, sounds bad just thinking about it.
She was there to hang out with ID2, just spent some time with me until ID2 was free from work. Now ID2 was not friendly at all! She was irritated and lashed out for nothing at me and KN3. I left them to themselves, KN3 was there to hang out with ID2 anyway and I had made the impression on KN3 that I wanted.
I think I will try IJ at the café a bit soon. It may be very interesting actually.
I should add that it’s unfortunately a bit hard for me to work on my inner game right now since I’m just starting cbt-therapy, which makes me mentally pre-occupied with that. I expect that to rather hard work psychologically… Right now I have too keep it very very simple, just focus on beeing relaxed, nice, not needy and most important of everything: not searching for approval from anyone.
Hey Walc, just a note to add an opinion. Not a mone - your anxious vibe. This is learned behavior, like kids in a playground; just knowing by body language who the vulnerable one is. We’ve got pretty sharp instincts with that in general, as a species.
Corporate living, the rat race and all of those things just add to overall nervousness and fragility. This is picked up in your demeanor. The lack of eye contact is a giveaway for low self esteem. Hunched shoulders being your normal posture gives a defeated, sad and burdened LOOK. And when unaware or uncaring, callous people capitalize on that (as they do) it just compounds your reaction and vibe. The ‘oh, god. not another situation like this’ vibe, that comes across as a little hopeless.
You’re tall, capitalize on that. Be the tall, striking figure. When you carry yourself with proper posture, shoulders back and look people in the eye - this in itself will give people a different impression and vibe. Just wear the mones to emphasize that. People think twice before challenging someone with good eye contact; and good posture is always impressive. I’m short; but most think I’m tall until they stand beside me and find out differently. BUT I carry myself with proper posture and no matter how I may not like the situation or person; I always maintain eye contact.
You will get what you expect. Start with a more affirmative frame of mind. Expect that this will be an incredible journey of discovery that you will handle well because of all that you’ve done before - and it will be. Sure, there’ll be rough spots, where things may get harder; but always remember:
God, the Universe, or Life never dishes out anything you can’t handle; everything you’ve done so far, equips you for the next task. Every phase is just building on skills and experience you have already. Be confident! Wear the A314, be congruent with it and watch you surprise yourself.
2011-09-25 Sunday
dosage: A314 oil 5 drops, three on throat and two drop on wrists, by accident
set: nothing special
setting: cafe at first, then looking at RD tryouts
noted self effects: great mood, I’m all smiles
ppl exposed: JU4, LO4 at café ; unknow girl at tryouts
Got as much smiles back from LO4 and JU4 as I brought myself. LO4 still is a step further back than before, is she intimidated by high A314? JU4 who was a bit shy when she started working here, but now seems very glad, more open than LO4 today. But no meaningful judgement can be made from a single observation, I think, too many confounders.
The tryouts, then. They were held on a roofed outdoor rink. Got kinda cold. About 35 wannabe-freshmeats turned up which is a good number. A bunch of regular players, ref’s etc. And of course all the injured who can’t skate, always a good turn-up of those. Actually, sometimes I get kinda worried about the injuries. A couple of weeks ago there was a player who fell kinda bad on her lower back during a bout and just was lying there, screaming that she had no control over her legs. That’s really not something you wanna hear someone scream, ever. Turned out she had just gotten a bad hit to a nerve center and was stunned in the lower body. But for a couple of minutes there we were imaginig her in a wheel-chair for the rest of her life…
Anyway, I said hi to some people I know a bit and sat down. After a while a girl I didn’t really recognize that much came and sat next to me, started up a conversation with me as if we knew each other. I have to admit I didn’t think she was attractive, just not my type at all. OK looking I guess but not in a way that I go for at all. She did a fair amount of hair-flips and twinning. I kept up some conversation with her but didn’t really feel like getting into it. Then her friend turned up and she was way more my type… but I found that I didn’t really feel ready to try to ‘open’ someone new, I felt a bit too vulnerable still. Easier right now to work on relationships that are already opened. But I know that I gotta expose myself and take these risks soon, it’s important training.
Hmm, I should try and be more specific about times, when I apply and at what time I get hits and so forth. Have to start using my android phone for quick on-the-go notes.
Guys, I am thankful for all the tips and encouragement!
Astrea, yeah I get that what communicates my beta status is not mainly mones, stature, eye movement, facial expressions, voice etc. It’s a lot about company for me. If just me and a girl it’s much much better. If with good friends again much better. You should’ve seen me ten years ago, I was a mess. And during my teens I was a wreck even. Couldn’t look anyone in the eye for more than a second if my life depended on it.
Lets just say that being mobbed and bullied between ages 5-16, plus having parents with serious mental issues, didn’t do much good for my self-esteem. Actually, when I think about it, just beeing alive and functioning to the extent that I am today is because of a good deal of inner strength. Problem is that the coping mechanisms which got me from day to day of a bad childhood is really bad strategies for a good life.. but I’m working on that with good professional help.
ochris: I am listening to Xuma, Secrets Of The Alpha Man. Started out with Alpha conversation, but switched to Secrets cause it seemed to make more sense to start there, since I am not only a Beta guy but more like Omega.. I have to kinda switch out some words in my head to make it fit with my world view, but the basic message is sound.
Don’t worry man. You’ll get the hang of it. It just takes a bit of pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone! Trust me, I know.
You’re making damn good progress though. Pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, however, can be a lifesaver. Breaking through the envelope would be good for your esteem, plus you have a lot of dhv going on with the new girls that get in the roller derby bunch because you know a lot of the RD girls who have been around for a while… going around chatting up your friends that you’ve known, from group to group, when the new girls are around will make the newbies like 'Wow, who IS THAT guy?"
In my signature/tagline I have a link that you can read that might help ya out with getting over your fears and pushing the envelope… something I wrote up and posted on here regarding both approach anxiety, and staying clear of the friend zone.
Once you ‘break the’ fear of approach anxiety or of flirtatious body language with a couple of girls, while staying NON OUTCOME DEPENDENT, it’ll get 50 times easier. Even if you get shot down, it will still bust up your fear of approaches and of flirting. 
Heya, Walc. The only reason I feel comfortable with offering an opinion is some similarity between us. I lived in the ‘there is no purpose to my being alive’ zone until I had gone through some of the therapy of my choice - which started 4 years after I moved out of the mothers’ house. She was ultra violent; and would get physically violent if I so much as looked at her with an expression she didn’t like. I’m dead serious. I found the best way to survive that mess was to be invisible, and when I couldn’t; just take the beating. Literally.
I understand your battle; just having survived it to now is YOUR victory. Your strength. Just use the tricks Ochris gave you; he’s on the money with the public coping mechanisms. I can’t give you specifics because I’m a fem; and the differences in public ‘face’ for a male and a female don’t translate specifically. But note how you feel with a good posture; look people in the eye and note your reactions and how you feel; because it does change quickly. Especially if you’re getting professional help. I didn’t go the western medical route; I went with the spiritual concepts - because I can out talk a therapist; one of the left over (useful) survival mechanisms.
If someone is trying to browbeat you; being disrespectful, rude or just throwing a negative interaction down at you; pull yourself upright to your full height, head straight, look down your nose and inform them that you don’t appreciate their attitude and have better things to do with your time. And leave them in that space. Walk away, even if it’s only to another table. If it’s your table, invite them to leave. I have known people who were told to do this as a part of their therapy; and I have done it a couple of times. Only a couple, mind. Once you do it; people will pick up from your vibe that you are prepared to defend your mental space. Don’t be afraid to frown. Some people deserve it.
Just as you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Remember to treat yourself like that, too.
2011-09-26 Monday
dosage: inhaled a whiff of A-1 out of curiosity; later A314 oil 4 drops @ 2.30 pm
set: nice mood before A-1. And nice mood again later…
setting: home at first, then another cafe and then meeting
noted self effects: A-1 as expected bad. But after ‘clearing’ and A314 I felt great again!
ppl exposed: A-1: no-one. A314 meeting with café-girls and other ppl
had been planning to test A-1 today actually, there was a thing planned where any negative self-effects would not have been a problem, and any positive effects on females would have been a plus, sorry can’t be specific. But that thing was cancelled so I decided to go with A314 as usual. Just for curiositys sake I opened up the A-1 bottle and just inhaled a good whiff, about a minute ago (~noon). And now I got a phero-rush but not uplifting as those usually are, more towards the somber and introverted. Also, I can feel blood flow to my nose and forehead. Gotta be careful with this one before I use it, need to dilute it as recommended in K-Trains excellent A1 guide. And I think I will try it one or two times on my own to get an idea of self-effects and application points.
Wow… I was really in a great mood this morning, now I feel, well not depressed but not in the mood to do anything really. So I’m gonna try something, try to clear my smelling organ with a small whiff of ammonia, like what olympic lifters use sometimes before lifting (smelling salts are based on ammonia). [sniff] Ok, I have to say that worked pretty ok actually. After googling it turns out that either this makes the body release adrenaline for a few seconds, or they work by activating some sort of reflex that makes you breathe deeper and faster. Either way, it works, but prolonged use will mess up the mucous membranes, as ammonia is an irritant and in high concentrations dangerous. I just opened the bottle (household ammonia), waited a few seconds and then waved some fumes towards me and inhaled through the nose. Even at such a low dose compared to what lifters do, still was unpleasant. An hour after smelling A-1 and 45 minutes after ammonia I feel no aftereffects, from the A-1 nor the ammonia.
– update
So we had another of those rather bad meetings in the combined bookstore/café. The Ogre was there but he got put down quite a lot from several of us. Meeting was really slow and like wading through deep mud the first hour, but I kept my mood ok considering the setting. I think I also succeded to lift the mood of some others in the meeting, keeping a positive and constructive focus. That’s actually one of the ‘good’ things about dealing with ogre-like people: you have an excellet opportunity to learn to focus on what’s meaningful and discard what is not, cause you really have few alternatives…
After the meeting I stayed behind as did a couple of the café girls: LO4, JU4, YG4, VE4 and IS4. I did some easy fixing of the PA system and their laptop, chatted around a bit. Was nice, I got ok ‘vibes’ from the girls, no noticeable IOI’s though.
But I have to be careful not to hang out too long after closing, I’m not really part of their work-group and sometimes I feel that I’m hanging around to get social appreciation, which is bad, bad, bad; very Beta behaviour. This time I chatted a little about a tattoo parlour that IS4 has started to work at, and I’m going there tomorrow for my derby tattoes: Yeah, many ppl in the roller derby scene here get tattoos of roller skates and now I’m getting mine, felt as the right time since I will be travelling with them to Canada in december. For some strange reason no one at the café has any connection to the derby scene, I’ll see what I can do about that… in the spring when there’s bouts played again.
Astrea; thank you very much for sharing this about your background. You know, sometimes I feel that there is a limit to what many people can understand about these things. I have a very good friend (ME1) that afaik never had any serious problems, almost always was popular, there’s always some guy or girl that is interested in her (she has a good dose of it). I love her as a friend (and 15 years ago, more that that) but she will probably never understand what deep loneliness is. To get the deepest part of it you just have to have been there yourself.
I have thought a bit over the years about the difference between blame and responsibility. I put blame on my parents and other adults like teachers for the horrors of my childhood; they were responsible for giving me a good enviroment to grow up in and they failed. But the responsibility for my life as soon as I left childhood was and is my own, however damaged and crippled I was. That’s the only way to see it: if I try to put responsibility on anyone else I also give them power over my life, and they surely have done enough damage to me as it is! They deserve blame for what they did then, but no responsibility for what my life will be onwards - that power I will keep to myself!
OK, enough psycho-babbel for today
2011-09-27 Tuesday
dosage: A314 oil 4 drops @ ~10 am
set: morning nice mood as yesterday, really stressed out later, then pain for a couple of hours. Afterwards bathing in endorphine and adrenaline.
setting: Tattoo parlour. Café. Meeting
noted self effects: usual at morning, could shake off irritation easier, took control of meeting in a natural manner
ppl exposed: tattoo artist LO5, another tattoo artist, IS4. At café CA2, bookshop people and LI2
noted effects on others: no ghosting at 4 drops. Maybe I should go up to 5 drops in a week or so..?
I had a tattoo session set up and left home in time. Bus and tram was both very late so I came 20 min late to tattoo parlour, and was quite irritated at times during trip, perhaps a tiny bit more than I would’ve been otherwise. Otoh I could drop the irritation also quite easily. Me and the tattoo artist that should do my foot (LO5: b/f, kids, cute, smallish, age guess 26-33 yo, rocker/metalhead) had said before that the exact time wasn’t so important so I really had no good reason to be so stressed.
So, effect on others in the tattoo parlour? No frellin idea. I was much to busy sweating, gripping the bench, cursing under my breath, tensing most muscles I could except for the target foot and panting like a woman giving birth (yes, I know that hurts even more), for two hours straight. Seriously, if you gonna tattoo any part of your body, think twice before you do the the feet - it’s really really painful. But that’s where these tattoos are going… doing the other foot on Friday, since I was to much of a wimp to do both the same day.
Actually, me and LO5 chatted about design and colours and did the placing thing for almost an hour before she put the needle to the skin, that’s between 11.30 and 12.30. And it was nice (not the needle!), she was very very receptive and chatty. However that’s her job and personality so not really a hit at all. I will very likely go back to her if I come up with another design.
Afterwards I went to the café, got there at about 3 pm, ate some, endorphine and adrenaline after the pain still high in my bloodstream. CA2 (about 23-24 yo, cute, sweet and nice, maybe a bit too sweet for my taste) came by and seemed very very glad to see me. Looked me in the eye without wavering for at least a minute straight while we chatted to catch up, I looked back which used to be really hard for me but went ok this time, even though I felt a little weak nervousness. I think that CA2 may have given me a little view of (very nice) cleavage also..?:o Not really sure, I can’t really see her doing that consciously on purpose, it would feel very out of character for her. Anyway, she showed enough for me to react with sexual feelings, which felt a little bit surprising since even if I think she is cute, nice and kind of attractive, I haven’t really thought of her as sexy before. Still feel a bit aroused now when I recall it, maybe just because it was unexpected. I couldn’t stay and chat with her though, I had to go away to a meeting with the bookstore a minute later. I just feel that I have to reconsider this girl now. I can’t see us having a romantic relationship, we’re too different. But, for the sake of argument, if she would be interested in something mainly physical, well… yes.
At the meeting I basically took control of it after a while, though that has happened pre-mones also. But it felt ok anyway, sometimes it sucks to take control because I do it since no one else does it and the meeting is about to just dwindle into chatting instead of making decisions. This time it worked ok, no one seemed to feel stepped on. I took some responsibilities that I’m not sure I should’ve, since I have more important things to take care of. But on A314 it just seems like I can handle stuff easily… hmm. We’ll see.
After the meeting and closing time for the café I hung around and chatted with LI2 (earlier mentioned 9/9) who is a kinda special person in many ways. Cute, very good looks, but as mentioned a bit weird and really not someone you want to be mad at you.. but I think she cleaned up her act a bit and dropped the violence when she cut down on the drinking. I think she’s attractive but I can’t imagine hitting on her, it doesn’t feel like she has much tenderness in her. She had a boyfriend a couple of months back, I don’t know if that’s over or not. But anyway, we get along pretty ok so we chatted while she did some cleaning. No hits from her, but it was almost 10 hours since application at this point. If I ever get good with -mones and composing them, it could be quite a challenge to figure out what -mones that would bring me closer to this girl, if any.
Try sticking your nose into a double handful of coffee beans. A good perfumerie will have bowls of coffee beans to clear the olfactory senses. And it’s smelling coffee! Not ammonia. Smelling salts can also be simulated by burning a feather; and by extension - hair. Nasty. Do the coffee thing - in my opinion.
Congrats on lifting the mood! That’s an accomplishment; along with clarifying what’s meaningful. Are they your first tattoo’s? Have some fun with that.
And that’s the view I took with those in my childhood, as well. They had control only while I was a minor. I left as soon as it was indisputably legal for me to do so. Never looked back.
2011-09-20 Thursday
dosage: Instant Jerk 2 sprays on throat @ 10.30 am
set: well-rested
setting: bookstore, café
noted self effects: a little nervousness. No alpha feelings at all
ppl exposed: mainly random customers
I sprayed 2 sprays of Instant Jerk, I have tried one spray a couple of weeks ago and I had no negative hits at all as far as I could tell, so two sprays seemed possible.
Going into town I felt somewhat nervous and really missed the self-certainty and alpha boost of A314. I was a little nervous and had some small stutter at times. Actually a little more than what I used to pre-mones..
So can I find a part of me that’s congruent with IJ? Hmm. Maybe if I was slightly drunk this would feel better.. or together with A314. I need to get myself into more social interactions today to figure IJ out. Cocky-funny, yes - but I need more baseline confidence to pull that part of me out in play. And maybe better suited to a pub or club after 11 pm…
Hmm, it’s 4.30 pm and I’m still skitterish. OK, sometimes I’m just like that.
8.00 pm: at home, washed -mones off. I will not use IJ @ 2 sprays single again in the foreseable future, I did not feel good today at all. I may try IJ at 1 spray again in a week or so, just to compare with this time. I found it a bit hard to interact with others, wanted to be left alone actually.
2011-09-30 Friday
dosage: A314 4 drops @ 10.00 am
set: well-rested, took valeriana and atarax to help me relax
setting: tattoo parlour 11 to 1 pm, café 1.30 pm to ~3 pm
noted self effects: the usual, confident and relaxed, but nervous abuyt the pin of course. During tattoo nothing (too much pain). Later at café I was more at ‘baseline’
ppl exposed: tattoo artist LO5
did the other foot, was as much pain as the forst foot when laying down the lines, filling was a little less hurtful. Also took shorter time for her. An hour before leaving home I took paracetamol, valeriana and atarax. Don’t know if it really helped much though against the pain, but it probably helped me with nervousness and relaxing a bit. Think I felt less pain anyway, but probably becasue it went faster.
It was probably a complete waste of A314 to wear it while I’m getting a tattoo: there was no way too feel alpha while writhing in pain. Afterwards would have been more meaningful, as I had that feeling of accomplishment and having toughed it out. Topping that off with A314 would have made more sense.
I went to the café to get some food in me, and after half an hour I felt very drowsy and went home and slept. I guess the adrenaline from the pain held the effects of atarax and valeriana at bay until then.
So, lesson is: when I do painful stuff, skip the mones. Yesterday Saturday I just was at home letting my feet heal. Later today I’m going to a pub at the café, will wear A314 only.
been taking it easy over the weekend to let the tattooes heal nicely. Started to get a little bit sick last night so I’ll be staynig at home as much as possible until I feel better. I’m going to an away game on Saturday and I really really wanna be well until then. Wednesday and Thursday I’ll be doing some stuff and also testing mones. For the away game I’ll be going for A314 only.
Next week I think I should start to figure out the socials Ishine, Iopen and Ihonesty, to prepare for later testing in combo with A314.
2011-10-05 Wednesday
dosage: A314 4 drops @ 10.00 am - since I felt no self effects at all I added a drop at about 1 pm
set: well-rested
setting: café
noted self effects: none
ppl exposed: therapist; then JO3 and her friends (2 male 1 female)
I put on my usual dose of A314 while doing the laundry but after about an hour I realized I felt no self effects whatever. So I upped it a little since I have worn 5 drops before by mistake (25 Sept) and not getting ghosted and actually maybe getting hits and IOI’s. Went to the male therapist, and it was ok, he’s mostly CBT/ACT oriented so we don’t have to connect emotionally on a deeper level, but we still of course need some mutual trust.
Afterwards I went to the café and ate a little. I really need to get in shape, start to train and eat better; one of many things on my list… And the café cakes just doesn’t help me with that Anyway, getting some respect hits from other customers, mainly younger females, young teenagers who can be a bit self absorbed and obnoxiuous. It was a bit full and I had to share tables a couple of times but everyone was very corteuos and respectful when asking for place and such. Really have no complaints with the youth of today - as long as I wear my A314…
When the café closed at 7 pm, I saw two girls I know: LI2 and a girl that works sometimes in the bookstore, JO3, that has a b/f, they’re about 26-28 yo. She is very very cute and sweet. not so smart though and a bit to girlish for my taste, sometimes speaks in a “cute” childish voice in a way that I would find utterly creepy if she did it at me, which she thankfully doesn’t. LI2 dropped off, she has gone sober which I think is very good for her, her friends and the surrounding furniture.
The rest of us went for a few beers and one of the guys had some food. I didn’t know these guys at all. I really tried to not dominate all convo, but I got a lot of respect hits from these guys. We talked a bit travel, a bit tattoos etc. After a while another friend of JO3 turned up, guesstimate 25-28 yo, punk, maybe a bit too heavyset for my taste, intelligent, kinda ugly-cute. She was nice, didn’t get the same kind of respect hits from her but didn’t expect it either, that’s not common in these circles. All in all an ok evening.
2011-10-06 Thursday
dosage: A314 5 drops @ 11.00 am
set: well-rested
setting: bookstore
noted self effects: great feeling today!
ppl exposed: random customers
Going to the bookstore soon, open at noon and close at 7 pm. I will up my dose of A314 now, I think 5 drops will not be too much for me. Actually I wouldn’t be suprised if I could go even higher. In the longer perspective I may be able to lower the dose later if I get more alpha in my behaviour, at least in company of those that has already accepted my rise in status. Also, when I take up weight training again I guess that will make my natural mone makeup a bit better.
Going to the bookstore I felt great! I was listening to an audiobook on scandinavian-style PUA and self-improvement, the chapter was about making a good first impression and the importance of posture and the feedback loop between body and mood. I made myself conscious about how I was walking, my posture and facial expression, and this really worked well. Actually I already knew this, I just had forgotten about it for a while.
Walc! Where ya been?
Sorry for being away, had a week and a half of bad mood and lethargy. I have adjusted my AD-med’s (will be lowering the dose actually) and am re-getting focus again. Also have decided to go on a diet, since I fill out my t-shirts a bit too much for my taste. I will start off with a Rapid Fat Loss diet as described by Lyle McDonald, for up to four weeks (I’ve done this before), and then take a diet break to normalize metabolic rate, which co-incides nicely with a trip to Toronto to watch the first Roller Derby World Cup. When coming back maybe another go at the RFL-diet, but after that just go for normal dieting. RFL is not for the long run… The injured shoulder is getting better slowly and I can take up weight training again now, carefully.
I have decided to not go after any roller derby girls actively from now. Main reason is that I don’t wanna be that creepy fan who hits on the girls. There actually is a term for those: Derby Perv. I realized that I could easily turn into just that… Problem is that I easily get attracted to strong girls that aren’t afraid to hold their own space, and every one who plays derby does that or they get bumped off the track.. Also I realized that an guesstimated 50% of all derby girls are lesbian…:o and of those who arent at least half are in relationships. Ok, I know 2-3 in my home team that are singel and not gay, and at least one of them is really cute. But I think the best approach is to be cool, fun, nice and not flirty. I risk being put into the ‘friend’-zone but that’s a better place to be than in the Derby Perv-zone… at least in the friend-zone I am a friend!
I have pre-mones gotten a possible IOI from one girl (MI5) at a party. She sat down in my lap and explained in my ear (loud party) for like 5 minutes the particulars of her derby name. Thing is, with these girls it’s a bit hard to judge IOI’s! Well, I’m not good at that in any situation. But after a bout at the party, everyone is very happy and a lot physical. I would hazard a guess that a good precentage of them have ADHD also, I know at least two with the formal diagnosis 
and lap-girl MI5 was one of them
Another example from a week back: I was on an away-bout between our national team and the national team of another country. A girl on the other team gave me what I would judge to be IOI in any other situation: she gave me a “boob bump”; that is, we were talking and she accidently(?) bumped her boob in my chest in me a couple of times and even pressed it lightly into me, while talking to me and smiling. Sure, it was crowded but I didn’t see anyone bumping into her at the time. Thing is, I’m 98% she has a girlfriend, almost all the girls on their team are gay and there’s pics of her a with a woman holding a baby together and walking a baby cart together and so on, but no guy in sight… (no, I won’t discuss gay parenting (I’m pro), everyone is entitled to their opinion but I’d prefer not in this thread, if anyone comments on that I just won’t answer )
I don’t actually remember how I reacted to that. In the spirit of my l’esprit de l’escalier I would say that a good response would have been some kino on a non-sexual level, like a shoulder touch, not at once but in maybe 10-30 seconds like saying something about their playing a good game (they lost to our national team of course ) and then the shoulder kino. Oh, it’s just so easy to know what to do in hindsight… but how to do it at the right time? Just keep at it I guess, thinking a bit about what I could have done better but not berating myself for it. See the positive instead, think that that was a good chance and now I know what to try the next time. Maybe visualizing how I would do it if it happened again, not as a fantasy of what could have happened cause that is past tense, but a visualization of another but similar situation, to bind the visualization to the future and not the past.
I have two old reports to add, will just add outlines for now in seperate posts and fill out later today or tomorrow. One of them is with A1 and as I know that those does not count towards getting a reporting user status. To make it easier to differentiate I will post all reports as single posts, and will try to keep future A1-reports as single posts.