1.) in a crowded bar watch the weather on tv, when they start showing the high and low pressure systems moving across the country, start shaking, jump from your seat, point the tv and scream “OH NO A GIANT H IS ABOUT TO LAND ON THE CITY!!!” the run out of the bar screaming and flailing your arms.
2.) invent an imaginary friend, call her Heidi and let nature take it’s course.
3.) In the middle of the night, bury a fully dressed mannequin in your back yard, make a lot of noise in spite of acting like you’re trying to be sneaky, then place some lawn furniture on top of the obvious mound and act confused when the police arrive if a foot is sticking out of the ground you get bonus points.
4.) Wearily confide to a total stranger “My blessing, my curse…is my power to SEE farts before other people can hear or smell them.” then stare with a panic stricken look at a nearby ass and shout “Incoming!!!” before pulling the startled stranger to the ground and trying to shield them from the blast.
5.) Attend an AA meeting, when you’re called on confess that you have no problem holding your booze but complain that it always takes forever for you to get a tow truck when your car breaks down and you want to know what the hell you’re paying your dues for.
6.) on a busy street corner set up a large jar half full of change and place a sign on it that reads “Need change?, take some…if you can afford to help the homeless, give some” …make sure the mouth of the jar is too small for a human hand to fit through.
7.) Put on a white smock and go to a mall carrying a clipboard and a ruler and ask strangers if they’ll let you measure parts of them.
8.) Learn the words to a hardcore gangster rap song, then while in a crowded elevator sing it under your breath in the melody of an Irish folk ballad.
9.) Print very official looking contracts that say “I, the undersigned agree to sell my soul to the devil” offer people $10 to sign them. If nobody will sign then present them with an alternate contract drawn up in crayon.
10.) Go down the street and invite strangers to come to your house and see your butter carving of the Virgin Mary, when you arrive and find a plate of melted butter on the stove top scream in horror then drop to your knees and beg the ceiling for forgiveness.
11.) Starve your cat for three days, then paint a big bulls eye across your whole kitchen floor…invite your buddies over before you finally place a bowl of food right in the middle and place bets on how far the cat will push the bowl in the process of eating.
12.) go to a local school and tell them you need to see your son, John Smith. When they bring in some confused little dude start ranting. What have you monsters done to my son? When my lawyers get through with you I’ll own BROWN elementary school." When somebody informs you that you are not in Brown elementary school, look confused, squawk like a chicken and run out of the building flapping your arms.
13.) Get a medic alert bracelet that reads, “Frequently requires oral-genital resuscitation” then go to a hospital and pass out in front of a cute nurse.
14.) Wear cheese head every day for a week, if anyone says something like “GO PACKERS!” to you, look at them like they’re crazy and ask them what the fuck they’re talking about.
15.) Get an expensive pearl inlaid 2-piece pool cue and show up at a local pool hall dressed in a fine black suit. Ridicule and mock the best player you can find until he challenges you to a game. Arrogantly accept and then spend the next fifteen minutes perplexedly trying to figure out how to connect the two parts before announcing that you just remembered you left the iron on and make a mad dash out of there.
16.) purchase a shopping cart full of groceries and go to checkout. When the cashier asks you “paper or plastic” see how long you can hold up the line while trying to make up your mind…eventually get flustered and try to carry the whole cart full out in your arms.
17.) wear a black suit and follow a stranger for two hours while not so discreetly talking into the flower on your lapel…every time the stranger looks at you turn away and pretend to be occupied with something else.
18.) In a busy public restroom lock yourself in a stall and proceed to make tortuous groans and grunts. Then come out with a blue easter egg with a blue bow on it cradled in your arms. Walk up to a stranger and through tears of joy ask them to congradulate you because it’s a boy.
19.) Go to a comedy movie wearing an eye patch, in the middle of a huge laugh throw a marble at the screen and start screaming that your glass eye fell out. After they stop the movie and somebody finds your marble, peer at it with your one “good eye” and say “that’s a marble you idiot”
20.) Try to wear a suit of armor through a metal detector
21.) Go to a shopping mall dressed in full camouflage including black and green face paint then stand behind a very small plant and watch people with binoculars
22.) Fill an inflatable doll with helium and release it during rush hour on a windy day, chase it down the street yelling “come back here you tramp”
23.) Ask strangers if they have change for a nickel.
24.) Show up at a DNA paternity testing service, insist on confidentiality, after they assure you…hand them a blood sample…taken from a family pet.
25.) Get a video camera and a microphone and follow a local tv newscrew around town. interrupt on the scene reports by asking the reporter what her secret is for staying so slim, who her favorite new kid is etc. before thrusting the microphone in front of her face.
26.) Take a friend a hose and a wading pool to a minimall. find an outside faucet and fill the wading pool then take your friend bound and gagged from the car, tie a big rock to his feet and toss it in the pool, (he of course will jump in and sit in the water) then look around paranoid to make sure none of the dozens of people around you witnessed the “crime” before driving off in a hurry.
27.) Call the national acme co and ask if they have any products that can kill a roadrunner
28.) While on a crowded bus, place a newspaper on the seat before sitting down…every other stop, stand up and turn the page before sitting back down.
29.) Go to a zoo, then have a friend toss a monkey suit over a fence for you, go change in the restroom and then spend the next hour running around the zoo and acting like you’re hiding from the zoo keepers.
30.) go to a bookstore and write your name and phone number inside the cover of any and all erotica books for women that you can find.
31.) Set a slinky going down an up escalator, wait for it at the BOTTOM and act annoyed shouting things like “you ALWAYS have to do things the hard way don’t you?”
32.) make 15 cardboard cutouts of a tracing of your hand with the middle finger raised, place them on your body while you tan at the beach, remove them, wait 15 minutes then walk down the beach before “noticing them” and screaming “oh no, not again!!!”
33.) Drink a serving of weight gainer and a serving of ultra slim fast and let them duke it out in your stomach.
34.) Trim the moldy bottom of your shower curtain with a weed whacker
35.) For a party, squeeze little balls of toothpaste onto a platter and let them dry, try and pass them off as homemade after dinner mints.
36.) Wash out a gas can, punch a hole in it, fill with water and then walk down a busy lunch hour sidewalk while smoking the biggest cigar you can find.
37.) Go to one of those planetarium presentations on the big bang and creation of the universe, when it’s about halfway through stand up shouting “NO NO NO YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, THATS NOT HOW I DID IT AT ALL!!”
38.) Call a tobacconist and tell them you’re Prince Albert and you want to know if anyone called for you while you were in the can
39.) Call poison control and tell them you just swallowed a whole container of tic tacs and you’re feeling all minty inside
40.) Call narcotics anonymous and confess that you are hooked on phonics
41.) Call the Q-tips 800 number and complain about having one of the cotton parts being stuck in your ear…then no matter what they say keep saying “What?..I can’t hear you!”
42.) Hand a paper to a coworker then say “TAG you’re it!” and run away.
43.) Phone a coworker and tell them “I just called to say I can’t talk right now, bye”
44.) Before a meeting pin your hair to one side with a bobby pin
45.) Put a large red apple with a bite taken out of it on somebodies desk
46.) Answer the phone by saying “conjunction junction, what’s your function?”
47.) Tell your boss that you like his style then shoot him with double barrel pointed fingers
48.) Page yourself over the intercom at work…do not disguise your voice
49.) Wear a post it note on your head for an hour that says “quite, genius at work”
50.) For one hour refer to all of your coworkers as bob
51.) Take a Barbie doll and GI Joe to work and have them get married during your lunch break
52.) Go to any office building and ride the elevator wearing a fed ex envelope on your head
53.) Anywhere public, make a small square on the floor with some tape and announce to everyone around that this is your personal space
54.) steal the phone cords from your offices receptionists…then call them repeatedly
55.) Wear a hand puppet to work and talk to everyone through it.
56.) Have a contractor come by a business that you have absolutely nothing to do with and start talking out estimates for having a hot tub installed
57.) whip out a cellphone during a meeting and start making calls regarding your big Hollywood movie project.
58.) exit an elevator by doing a front roll, then turning around and grabbing your hat juuuust before the doors close a la Indiana Jones
59.) While going down an elevator, preferably on a tall building and ideally with other people riding…undo one button on your shirt for every stop the elevator makes.
60.) Spend a week visiting a pet store and trying to teach a parrot to say “Pat Sajak is Lord”, “There are no time outs in the world of pro wrestling” and “I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles”
61.) Have several pictures of yourself made, then spend an hour in front of a movie theater asking strangers for their names and autographing the pic for them.
62.) Take 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
63.) Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
64.) Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
65.) Walk up to an employee and tell her in an official voice, “Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away.”
66.) Go to the Service Desk and try to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
67.) Move a “CAUTION - WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
68.) Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you’ll invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
69.) When a clerk asks if they can help you begin crying and scream, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
70.) Look right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he pick your nose.
71.) While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk where the antidepressants were.
72.) Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
73.) In the auto department, practice your “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.
74.) Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yell “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
75.) When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume a fetal position and scream “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”
76.) Go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
77.) After making a photo copy of something rub the paper sensually and in a husky voice say “Ohhhhhh God it’s so warm”
78.) Spend 15 minutes talking to a public mail drop box, apologize repeatedly to it, promise never to do it again and call the box “babycakes”
79.) Hang on the stall of a mens room door like a koala until somebody sees you.
80.) Take a plate of some sort of Italian food and a block of Parmesan cheese to a mall and try using the escalator to grate the cheese.