IMO, the very first moments you ever notice a guy, 3 things stand out that will set him apart from all other men.pheromones are a fantastic touch, but to want them in your smelling range,what do you notice? what are your 3 things?
mine:
1.consideration/manners (all people wear their code of ethics on their sleeve,how we speak about others show this)
2.self esteem (can he laugh at himself if he makes a mistake or trips up?)
3.smiling ( he doesnt have to find me attractive to smile!)
obviously i have to apply these qualities to myself if i am going to notice them in others. looking forward to comments
Sigh . . . I was going to say the exact same thing in my post, but I didn’t want it to appear as if my TargetGuy is all that’s on my mind. Might as well own up to it, though. :o
I don’t think I deviate too far from the rest of you with this, but I will go for a guy if
He has manners/morals. If he acts very immature or incredibly rude/vulgar, it’s a no-go for me. I like a gentleman.
He’s shy! I always tend to go for the strong silent type… probably because . in my experience, they’re usually not jerks. I do love a good challenge, though, too.
He’s easygoing or happy. I can’t deal with brooding depressed types either. I’m far too happy a person for that.
part of my curiosity here was how important manners/kindness was… we’re all pretty much on the same page.
there is just something about a guy being vulgar/rude/impatient or just having a bad-boy persona that gives me this idea that he would sleep with anybody/anything. im not trying to say that my assumption is accurate, but it is an instant cross-off-the-list of potential sniff-ees (if i am doing the sniffing,i am the sniff-er ,right?)
does this post make me sound bitchy
My theory about guys with manners/guys who are kind is this: you can spend your time around people who make you feel good just being around them, or you can spend your time with someone who brings you down. In my book, vulgarity, rudeness, and impatience is a definite downer. When it comes to someone like that as a potential sniff-ee, I’ll hold my nose!
Kindness matters most. I’m not talking about a man who’s soft, but someone who has character (I wonder sometimes if people even know what’s meant by that anymore) … a sense of honor appeals to me very much. Someone without this quality is out of the running irrevocably.
Intelligence and humor go without saying.
Someone who speaks and writes well scores big points with me (and yes, spelling counts).
A man who is constructive and not a complainer also gets noticed.
fabulous list Carrie…and yes, I also wonder if people know what “character” means anymore.
With that, my top three would be:
Intelligence and grace: how he speaks, conducts himself, how he moves in public. The face he shows the world. I like a man who is smart, self-aware, considerate. A drop of consideration is stronger than a vat of cure!
A kind and loving nature.
Strength of character. Determination, focus, certainty.
By the sounds of the responses here most women have pretty much 3 common denominators, which is great But the part I don’t understand is that, in my case for example I am generally a very upbeat guy. When I am out in public for example I portray most of these traits, smile, friendly, try to strike up a conversation. So the question: If so many females feel this way, why do guys like myself and other males get negative looks or even no eye contact or anything postive back. They might be missing out on the best relationship they ever had but never even want to acknowledge or get in there and try. I see that happening more and more with females when I am out and about.
what occurs to me is that if some guy checking out the forum for the first time stumbled across our lists and decided he would use this information for EVIL, i still dont believe those are traits you can fake.
oh sure, you can pretend to listen,care,open a door or say thank you, but when its not a permanant part of your character then shame on us for not noticing it after the first date.
im sure other things come into play as well, as we limited the discussion to 3 top things.
your character on the forums stands-out. i would be very interested myself to know why you arent don-juaning it.
also, i would take into consideration the type or woman you are interested in as well…unless you are smiling and being friendly to all and every woman, i would wonder if you are not naturally attracted to challenges or (how can i say this nicely…) snobby women? that doesnt sound like you but hey, theres got to be a reason here somewhere…
Lor - I don’t think it’s bitchy at all. Who wouldn’t be turned off by a guy like that? … unless they were the same way.
And Joseph – I agree with Lor. There have to be other variables in play - time and place being a major factor.
Now, after a date yesterday (my first actual date… as in the “get to know you” kind… ), I feel I have to amend my 3 choices.
From what I took, Lor, you were talking about noticing perfect strangers? And then making them a sniff-ee? Because that’s the assumption I based my choices on.
Now – to KEEP them a sniff-ee, or with guys I’ve already met, I have to add Muse’s points:
Intelligence
Sense of Humor
But for me anyway, these traits I can only find out until after I actually meet the guy, or accidently overhear a conversation.
But for an instantaneous noticing of men, I’ll still stick to my first list. Hope I’m not making this too complicated.
And I have to say:
From reading the other posts, we have a fabulous bunch of women here.
Hey I don’t mean to butt in, be rude or poke at anyones responses but I am curious. I never really saw physical apperances.
Would you honestly even consider any of those three points/priorities if a guy was say… well below physical standards, or even a little ugly? (relative to who’s looking of course) If you would-great, you’ve got a big heart. But I have some friends who to be honest well…don’t look so good and they never even get a chance yet they embrace lots of the values that have been posted here some even all. They do try to meet girls too… Maybe they just haven’t met all of you yet?
Hey, I don’t discount physical appearance. I think we all have a sense of what’s attractive to us (and that’s not the same stuff for everyone … some girls really go for geeks with glasses, believe it or not) and there is a kind of initial screening that goes on without even thinking about it. But sometimes those initial impressions get revised once you observe a man in his element - which is why bars might not be the best hunting ground for most guys like this … how are they going to shine in that environment?
For a guy who really isn’t much in the looks department, of course he needs to excel in some other areas (see the bulk of this thread!) but there are still physical things he can do to make the most of how he presents himself. Getting in shape, being well groomed, learning to dance and dress well … it all helps.
Just to illustrate the main point here … One of my husband’s best friends is a guy in his mid 50s - working class, beer gut, hair a little too long, doesn’t have a clue about clothes, kind of a pudding face … he’s a mess. If you saw his photo, you’d never believe he’s one of the most popular guys around with both men and women. He pulls babes 15 to 20 years younger. What’s he got? He’s a mensch who’s not afraid to let his sexuality show - he loves women, he’s got a huge heart, he’s real, he knows how to touch … it works for him and it’s amazing to watch. A guy should never let his looks hold him back - and the rest of it, you can work with.
see the difference between women and men is this sleek:
we are going to need to be attracted to the guy physically too, but physical attractiveness really is made or broken by what comes out of your mouth or behaviours.
not unlike what carrie says,
i have noticed guys that are extremely attractive because their behaviour puts them over the top when if you just took their picture they wouldnt seem to stand out.
likewise, i have dated men so pretty that it seemed silly not to give them a chance, when the date proved why they were not attached to begin with; shallow/vain/the “we look good together” type.
i dont think after those experiences i will ever see men the same again.
now speaking about your friends:
all men that are saying yeah im a nice guy and im funny and why dont i get the action the other guys get if it isnt all about looks?
easy.
first, what kind of girls are they targeting? pretty-no-one-is-good-enough-for-me types? the challenges? the eqivalent of the shallow-men type?
secondly, you can be nice as hell…but if you dont come across as fun to be with, you can hold all the doors and smile all you want and the “cynical/depressed/gothy” feeling still comes across. like attracts like i believe. we are going to find attractive qualities we have ourselves.
I do love a good challenge, though, too.
), I feel I have to amend my 3 choices.