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On Dominance
*“You have balls that clank when you walk. I love it”
*
That was one of the text messages I received from my girlfriend when we were talking about men, women and relationships.
I do not skydive,
I don’t use hardcore drugs, bungee jump nor do I save people from the burning buildings. I am neither a police officer, fireman nor daredevil and I do not play extreme sports. Did I mention that I am not a gangster or a criminal.
I am also not a war veteran, I’ve never killed people.
Those are the things, most people believe, give men brass balls. Perhaps? But you don’t have to do all that to be confident and dominant.
Intro
I am notorious for writing LONG posts, that often borderline with inner game circle jerking, but today I wanted to write something that’s been brewing in my head for a very long time. If it wasn’t for my girl’s encouragement I wouldn’t have been able to verbalise it.
And in indirect way, I will attempt to answer few questions I see often on this board.
I want to touch heavy on relationship dynamics, cover sex and why you’re not getting the porn-like kinky sex from your girlfriend. Why she’s apprehensive about having naughty dirty sex with you, as well as do a bathroom quickie, give head while you’re driving, or get fucked in the alley. Nearly every man has fantasies about public bathroom blow jobs, threesomes, cumming on girl’s face, fucking her in the ass, and a lot of other hot kinky stuff they see on porn but can never “get their girlfriends to do”
I also see many sad stories, in which woman wears the pants in a relationship. Those stories repeat themselves ohh-too-often when men are “pussy whipped” and woman “use’ them. The infamous words uttered by many men: “yes honey” and “whatever you like, baby” are getting to me.
“They let their girls walk on them” (without even realizing it) is another text message my girlfriend sent me, regarding her male friends. “They just don’t get it” were the words she used to describe some of her past boyfriends.
I also want to talk about “bouncing back” or when you feel like your relationship roles have reversed. Why you were cocky and funny and teased her a lot, negged her plenty, had her eating out of your hands and suddenly you find yourself chasing your own girlfriend. Out of the blue she has all the power and you have none. What happened? And how my friend put it, “Why in the fuck she’s ignoring me and not answering my calls!!”
The conversation I had with my female roommate, best saved for separate post, but she was talking about a guy she dated: “He’s so in love with me, if I ever cheated on him, I’d have to leave him, because, I couldn’t live with him after he forgive me, because, I know he would”
And most importantly, where it all begins, and why should we ask our dads why you suck with women. Perhaps, something your dad should have asked his dad too
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Let’s get started:
What is dominance? I know, you’re saying, “TrueStory shut up with all this Keyboard jockeying shit”. You’re right but I am an asshole so there you go:
• the state that exists when one person or group has power over another;
• authority: the power or right to give orders or make decisions; “he has the authority to issue warrants”; “deputies are given authorization to make arrests”; “a place of potency in the state”
Let’s also look at definition of Submission, and we are not talking about BDSM stuff here:
• the act of submitting; usually surrendering power to another
• the condition of having submitted to control by someone or something else;
In any relationship, sexual, friendship, family, there will always be degree of dominance-submission between people. You notice this at work to very large extreme. And often, your manager might have work related dominance over you, but you would easily dominate him in a fight and kick his ass. So physical, emotional and social dominance/submission are all different categories and having one doesn’t mean you have the others.
Emotional, Sexual and Social Dominance
What I wanted to point out about dominance and submission is that women, naturally, are emotionally and sexually submissive beings. I know, I know you’re going to give me examples of “strong women” blah blah blah. Good. But for every strong dominant woman there is a stronger dominant man. Ironically, I’ve fucked dominatrix (girl that is dominant in sex, and often in relationship). She was on the bottom. She was pretty narcistic bitch, had some psychological issues, and dominated men out of bitterness towards them. When we fucked she was on the bottom. I told her what to do, and how to please me. She has thanked me later, because, I truly made her feel like a woman. Who knew, right?
In practicality, when you start dating a girl, you should automatically frame yourself as dominant. How?
First you need to start believing that every decision you make is the best decision. You absolutely have to blindly believe that you make good decisions and people should follow you and listen to you.
You start working on yourself first, and without sounding like some Inner Game junkie, you have to clean out skeletons out of your closet. Ask yourself if you
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- Hate, despise women because they have it “easy” and you don’t
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- Hate people because they have things you don’t
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- Have anger towards “world”, Government, police, authority, taxes, whatever else has authority over you
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- Have self doubting thoughts
Self doubting thoughts will never let you be free. They will come up. The less of them you have and when they come up the sooner you address them, the less they will interfere with your leadership. It’s not rocket science and I am not re-inventing the wheel here, No Woman Will Want Self Doubting Man.
It starts how you approach her. Dominant man, I’ve noticed in me and in my natural friends, do not hesitate. They do not worry about getting rejected. They target in on a girl and approach. When they speak they speak clear and loud. They never repeat themselves, nor do they answer any questions they do not want to answer. There is never a decision of “which opener to use” or “should I run this routine or that routine”. Everything is down in the head. There is confidence that material work. Success brings that confidence, repeated exposure to positive results only re-enforce effectiveness of the method.
Dominant man do tell. They don’t ask, they don’t tack on “ok?” or “right?”to their statements. They don’t politely ask if it’s ok to do something. When walking through crowd, their “excuse me” is aftermath. Consider following conversation:
Beta Man: “Hey, hi, excuse me.. hi…can I ask you something?”
Vs.
Alpha Man: “Hey. I need to ask you something. “
Beta: “Would you like to exchange the phone numbers, so umm maybe we can hang out?”
Vs:
“Give me your number; I’ll give you a call sometimes next week”
This kind of submissive passive behavior carries into relationship (if one ever starts). If I had a nickel for every single fucking time I overhear this conversation
Beta-boyfriend: “baby…umm where do you wanna eat?”
Girlfriend: “baby, I don’t care”
BF: “baby , I don’t either. Whatever you want. So what do you want?”
GF: “I said I don’t care. Pick something”
BF: “ umm well, I don’t know, I don’t know what I want… maybe..well sushi?”
GF: “You know I don’t like sushi. Pick something else”
BF: “umm baby, well, I don’t know, Italian?”
GF: “No.. it’s too heavy. I am on a diet, I don’t want Italian”
BF:”Well.. I don’t know baby, then you suggest something… I gave you two choices”
GF: “I don’t know. I am just gonna warm up a pop tart”
BF: “wait. What I wanna go out… let’s go somewhere… we’ll go to that ‘nice expensive restaurant’ you like”
GF:” I don’t want to, because, we are going there for dinner this Saturday, with Jack and Jane”
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! PICK A GODDAMN PLACE!
This is how this conversation goes with a dominant male:
BF: “Hey baby, get dressed I am hungry!”
GF: “Where are we going”
BF: “this neat little Greek place, you’ll like it”
GF: OK! (or “well I don’t know”)
BF: “Today I pick, you pick tomorrow. We are going”
DONE!
Here is another example of dominance in relationship. NEVER EVER ask your girlfriend to do anything. Just pitch that habit right away. You tell her. You can add “please” if you so wish.
Submissive: “baby, if you can, would you bring me ____?”
Aggressive dominant “Baby, bring me ___, please, thanks.”
First Date:
First Date will determine the course of the relationship. THIS IS WHY it is important to be prepared. I cannot stand looking, anymore, at posts saying “FIRST DATE ASAP! NEED HELP. WHERE/What to do!??”
What the fuck is this shit!?
It’s a man’s job to plan a date. Whatever it is, does not matter. “umm well ahh we can meet up for coffee” is NOT a well planned date. However,
“Let’s grab some startbucks at Livingston Ave, talk for a little bit and then we’ll ‘play it by ear’”
Oh and important note “Play it by ear” is ABSOLUTELY pre-planned set of events that should come off spontaneously to her.
On a date, who pays?
You!
Your date should not cost more than $20 for two. Starbucks macchiato is $4.00 and your cup of coffee is $2. Since you picked the place, you pay. I haven’t spent more than $10 on cup of coffee and a cupcake on first date.
You should have second place pre-planned, somewhere near your house.
IF YOU INVITE HER FOR DRINKS buy first round. If she likes you, she will buy you second. If she insists on paying for herself, I jokingly say “get out! I’ll take care of this, you’ll get me a drink/coffee some other day”
It’s also possible you’ll get “who says there will be another date?” shit-test question. THIS IS your time to shine with cocky answer: “with me, there is always second date, unless you screw it up!” while sporting a douchemile (douchebag arrogant half smile when you know you’re being cocky)
Ok this post is not about dating. I just wanted to give some examples.
Assume leadership.
You PICK places to eat. ALWAYS. Helps if you know what kind of food she does not eat or allergic to; if she doesn’t like it, she can suggest something else, and it’s OK to do that, but if she has no definite pick, you always pick.
You PICK where and what to do. Again, if she has something in mind, definite something, she wants to do, and you want to do it too, then do that. About 10% of the time my girlfriend knew what the fuck she wanted to do. Often you’ll hear “I wanna go dancing” or “I wanna cherry martini” or “I just wanna chill”. Those are her moods. Those are not her “plans”. Going to Voodoo lounge to dance in South Beach Friday Evening is a plan. “I just wanna go dance” is NOT a plan. “I just wanna chill” – is time to go get movie, make some popcorn and spend evening on the couch cuddling. Her moods change, if girl says, “I just wanna chill” and I am not jizzing my pants over watching some movie, I’ll suggest quiet local shit-hole in the wall bar for couple quiet calm drinks. Usually, that gets most girls in a good mood to ‘move somewhere fun’.
If you don’t assume leadership, majority of girls will not know what the hell they want. Your passive pussy behaviour will wind you up in an argument. Believe me guys, I was there too. A lot of arguments started from my indecisiveness. Indecisiveness is VERY un-attractive in men. Ask ANY woman.
You “make” decisions for her when she can’t. It’s not just women, but even men ask other men for advice. Sometimes it’s difficult situations that needs third party outsider input but sometimes it’s simple. “Baby, I don’t know what to wear” is her indecisiveness. Tell her “You look soo fucking sexy in that red dress you wore to Martini Park”. Is you making decisions for her. Don’t tell her she should wear it, don’t suggest it. TELL HER! She might say “I don’t know what I wanna eat today!” in a text message. Don’t ask her what she wants, she doesn’t know. Tell her “Chipotle!” or “Go to Subway!”
You don’t say “You should” or “If I were you” because those are passive aggressive. Make statements about what she did or will do and how it will make her feel/look. Instead of “honey you shouldn’t wear that dress” say “That black dress you have, does not make you look good.” Don’t be afraid to “offend her”, because you wont. If she asks you “how does this make me look?” and she looks fat in this, say “Don’t wear it.” If she says Why? Tell her “I don’t like it.” And point something better for her. You will NEVER see her wear that dress again. EVER! (Personal experience)
You always tell the truth no matter how offensive it sounds. I will cover why trust is important and how without it, you will fail. But don’t lie to your girls. If she asks questions you don’t want to answer, tell the truth “I don’t want to answer or have this discussion” or “you don’t want to know”
You put her in her place. This is probably singlehandedly the HOTTEST thing a man can do. A real man does not scream or criticize her. Real man approaches, really close looks into her eyes until she looks down in submission. Arguments are her battle ground because she will use her irrational logic. You can never win and winning the argument will only hunt you down in sweet-sweet revenge from her. You state your point and leave it at that. Unemotional. Stoic. Strong. You let her know that her little tantrums are not working. Waterworks have no effect on your behavior. (Of course some serious concerns need to be discussed, but majority of couple’s arguments are on irrelevant and useless topics)
Self Control, Self Respect and Self Satisfaction bring TRUST
You must ALWAYS exercise self control over your emotions and feelings, over how much you neg her, how you tease her and what you say. Eventually she will pickup on this, ha! Eventually is nearly immediate. Your self control develops trust from her. TRUST is one of the most important things in being dominant.
TRUST IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN BEING DOMINANT.
If she does not trust you, she will not follow you. A man that has a healthy self esteem and posses self control can be trusted. If she feels that you can handle yourself, she will let herself be handled by you.
A MAN that handles himself has self respect and self confidence that he can face any problems coming his ways. A VERY STRONG MAN not only faces his own problems but problems of his loved ones.
Only when she can see that you handle her shit tests, and life’s shit tests, and other people’s shit tests, ONLY THEN she will trust you.
TRUST IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN BEING DOMINANT.
Once she trusts you, you can do virtually everything with her. And by trust I mean, much deeper than “he wont cheat on me” kind of trust. That’s just beginning of it.
By exercising self control, whenever you do something, it’s precise, planned, thought through, organized, logical and managed action.
For example if you rush through kino escalation on first date and miscalibratedly “go for it”, you will break her trust.
If you get emotional and snap at her, you will break her trust. She will no longer think that you’re stoic and un-shakable.
If she throws you a HOOP and you jump through it, you will break her trust. No longer you have ability to remain un affected by outside world. She cannot rely on you now, because you bend backwards.
If you break down, emotionally, and “give up” she will no longer trust you that you can handle the world, life and perhaps a family one day.
If you get carried away with “love” and emotions, she will no longer trust you with other women. You’re easily manipulated. You can be emotionally dependant and will seek the next “fix”.
If you start asking for sex and sexual favors, she will no longer trust you that you can have your choices of women. Because, men with choices never have to ask. Even though this makes NO SENSE in relationship, because, you’re not supposed to have “choices” but from stand point of evolution and psychology it makes sense to her.
If you start “rewarding” her bad behavior she will no longer trust that you have self respect, she will no longer have respect for you either. A man that lost woman’s respect soon will lose that woman.
If you start telling your buddies about dirty little thing she does for you in bed, she will no longer trust that you will keep her good name in good standing. And now she looks like a “whore” to your friends, and “why are they all giving me dirty looks?”
SHE WILL WANT TO BE A GOOD WOMAN TO YOU because she TRUSTS you will do best for yourself, her and her children that you two might have one day.
A man with strong healthy emotions is hard to find. If you become that man who passes all her trust-tests, the kind of man who is NOT shaken by outside world, or inside turmoil in his own head, is the man who is reliable.
She can look up to this man for guidance and emotional stability. When her little emotions are screwing with her head, it’s this kind of man who can keep her in check.
Those are short-spoken truth I’ve heard my girlfriends say, my female friends say, my own mother say and few of my natural friends say.
“I trust you” is probably the most golden token of submission from her and accepting your lead dominant role. The SECOND you hear those words from your woman’s mouth is the second she started believing in you. She will believe in you in several ways:
She will, not always verbally, say “I trust that….
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I trust that….You will treat me great” – this is a loaded statement, because, “treating great” is keeping her in check. Women are emotional beings and often inner game turmoil makes them do irrational things and act stupid. This is biology. Sorry girls. AS A MAN, it is YOUR JOB …let me fucking repeat that, YOUR JOB AS A MAN is to handle those instabilities in your, hers and yours, world. YES she will act up. Yes she will throw you a curve ball, yes she will say one day “I am going to a club with some girlfriends” and you will dumb-fundedly say “ummm well ok….just …be safe” or maybe even “just don’t talk to any men!” WRONG! Why? Because, there is NOTHING you can do about this. You know what I usually say, “Tits! Baby, have a great night”
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I trust that….You will not hurt me and protect me” – probably the second most common reason why girls are subconsciously afraid to let the man lead. And I am talking about both, physical and emotional hurt here. She will trust you that you will not cheat on her and hurt her. She trusts you will not raise a hand on her or be abusive in other forms (remember, self control), she trusts that if someone were to disrespect her, you would stick up for her. This is Mystery 101 shit. Protection of loved ones. What the fuck I am telling you same thing again for?
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I trust that….You will not judge me!” FOCKING IMPORTANT! VERY! This is your KEY to kinky sex. She will watch how you talk about your exes. She will watch how you talk about girls with your buddies. She will ask you stories that will reveal how you think about women. She will tell you stories like “Jenni is such a slut. She is such a whore. I cannot believe she slept with that guy, and that guy, and whatever. I bet she has an STD”…and you dumb-fuck would happily say “oh yeah honey, she’s a skanky whore. Yeah I am glad you are not like that” WRONG! Now she knows that woman who’s promiscuous in your opinion is a whore. Now she knows that god forbid you’ll learn her past, she’ll be a whore too in your eyes. Well boys, she is not a whore. The right thing to say to that: “Baby, don’t talk about Jenni like that. Seriously. There is nothing wrong with women liking sex. I think she’s confident and just comparison shopping” Make a joke about it, but sound serious. This is where your true beliefs come in. If you really believe that that behavior is whorish, you need to rethink your beliefs. Because, if your buddy Bill told you about his friend Josh who’s fucking a new girl every other day, you’d call him a player and would probably want to know how he does this. Drop the double standard. And if you think that having multiple partners is “wrong” and unhealthy, you should still not judge people that do.
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I trust that….You will make me feel comfortable being myself”. Otherwise known as she will be ok with being a woman. This is probably a little caveat I missed and many other men miss for longest time. You need to embrace her womanhood. She will thank you for letting her be who she is. When she’s irrational she doesn’t want to reason and have logical discussion. When she wants sweet cuddling loving she’s being a woman. When she wants rough fast hardcore fucking, she’s being a woman. When she wants to have romantic picnic she’s being a woman. When she makes you dinner and puts candles on the table, two glasses of wine she’s being a woman. You love woman and what they do for you, themselves and people they care for. When it takes her 2 hours to get ready in the bathroom, account for it. You know it will take her that long. Planning is man’s job, remember? She is getting pretty FOR YOU, ASSHOLE! So don’t blame her for being late because “someone” had to spend 6 hours getting ready. Plan this into your arrival time, so you’re not late for the reservations. Thank her for being a woman. When she’s finally done getting ready, tell her she looks gorgeous, pretty or stunning. If she was going for “sexy” look then tell her she looks sexy. Come close to her, put your hands around her pull her in, whisper in her ear “baby, I already cannot wait till we get back, the things I will do to you” give her a kiss and pull away, take her hand and walk with her. When she made you dinner, eat with her, look into her eyes and tell her that it was great. Even if it wasn’t. She asked you “how was it?” you tell her it was great because she did it for you. When she’s washing the dishes after, come behind her, put your arms around her lean into her ear, kiss her neck and say “it turns me own when you are being such a good little girl” in low voice. Who knows, this might lead into makeout and passionate sex on the kitchen floor. When she’s being irrational, do not tell her she’s being irrational, do not tell her she’s acting stupid. Just let her vent. Give her a big hug, hold her close and tell her that “everything is going to be ok. Trust me, I will make it ok for you” RE-INFORCE that she can rely on you even if you physically cannot help her, she will still trust in your support.