Ex-girlfriend gets back in contact with me...

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1

Really was unsure WHERE to post this but would love some advice on what to do next…cheers!

Re-cap

My ex girlfriend dumped me at the start of August after 1 year and 5 months. I was really gutted and hurt. I was emo for a week or two after. The last time we spoke was when I sent an emotionally drunk text a week later and she replied telling me to get a grip.

Since then I got my life in order. I got a temporary job until Uni starts, I’ve lost weight, cut down the junk food and reading books on confidence and other self improvements.

I always said I would not contact her again until October when her 21st B-day is and I was going to send her a neutral card.

But tonight she must’ve unblocked me from MSN and chats to me on MSN.
The convo was short and sweet.

Liz : Hi
Me : Hi
Liz : How youve been?
Me : I’m good, u?
Liz : im good
Me : All set for your brothers wedding?
Liz : pfft, still got lots to do
Me : lol
Liz : I’ve got to go now bye x
What do you think?

My mate reckons she’s gonna end up asking me back.
However I just think she’s just checking up on me.

I’m just going to play it cool and see what happens, any advice would be welcome.

I was told its best to not show the ex any emotional attatchment you still have for them which is why I said i’m good and asked a question about something else.

2

Hi there Neurotix weclome :slight_smile:

lol you were emo for a week, LMAO.

anyway i’m glad to hear your ex-gf is talking to you again, you should post a question in the men’s forum, i wouldnt jump to conclusion so quick, just be prepared for all results, but you are right there is always a chance.

since you are here, i suggest some pheromones products from here, what do you think? are you interested? they could really give you an egde in many situations.

let us know, have fun :slight_smile:

3

Hello!

Welcome to the forum!

Hmm, I don’t know what to say from her msn chat with you. To me, it seems like she was just dropping in to say a friendly hello. But then, I don’t know the situation very well, so I wont be the judge.

Meanwhile, I do suggest the unisex products such as instant shine and instant openness.

Instant shine is a great mood uplifter, makes you feel more confident, merrier and also gets other people in a good mood

Instant openness is great to prolong conversations, and socializse, pair it up with instant honesty, and you’ve got an intimate conversation

good luck!

4

Welcome and good luck :wink:

I’d suggest trying Ammo or TUTH if your feeling lucky :wink: That will be good to start with. Maybe some IS to lift the mood and IO to make her more open?

If your unsure try the togo series!

Good luck, and keep us updated!

5

Hi Neurotix. Yeah, I think you did good so far - sounds like you’re back on track again if you can look back and laugh about being “emo” LOL
The Instant Shine idea does sound like a rather good one. And I know you’ll remember to use the pheros in conjunction with the stuff you have learned recently about confidence projection, etc.

My opinion is, with this girl, continue to act like a cool and very slightly aloof guy, don’t do the full David DeAngelo “cocky funny” act, but just know in your heart that you could if you wanted, and let that knowledge give you a little glow of self-confidence. But yeah, I hope there is a sliver of a chance for you, it can be hard not to read too much into things at these times.

6

Personally I would tread cautiously and let her come for you.

depending on her style and type, she may have been dumped recently, (has she been dating other people?)
Her popping in to say hi, and see what reaction she got might be a sign she wants you back or she is just wondering about you.

She may be looking for a sign she is still wanted, and could just be pulling your strings, to get you hooked again, to stomp on your heart at the first sign of a better thing.

Remember she left you, so if she wants you back now I would make her work for it.
Granted I have checked in on ex’s from time to time, mainly to see how they were doing, and even had some wonder why I did not come crawling back. Personally I would make sure the issues that split you up in the past are tabled early and brought up often.
Ex’s tend to change screen names and monitor your availability.

7

Hello Welcome to Pherotalk :slight_smile:

My feeling is she is just checking up on you. Just because your broken up dosnt mean she dosnt have some feelings for you still. I think its wise not to show her your “emotional attatchment” to her.

In this situation I would suggest keep the door open by being polite and friendly but get out there and start exploring a little. I am not sure how much face to face contact you still have with her but if your circle of friends is somewhat the same she will catch wind of it. Nothing gets to a old GF like hearing one of her friends say " I saw Neurotix at the club last night and he looked hot" :wink:

You have lost weight, Your more confident and ready to get in the game due to your reading. I suggest you use some AMMO and Instant Shine and go out and show her what she gave up. It wont guarantee she will want to hook up again but if she still has feelings for you it may move her into action.

Your GC will be in your email shortly :smiley:

Tisha

8

What was her reason for breaking up with you?

9

Wow thanks for all the replies people, I’m overwhelmed! :stuck_out_tongue:

Firstly when I said I was “emo” i meant i was being self-pityful, angry, depressed etc. rather than the teenage tribe lol.

I’m taking all your advice into account.

She split up with me because of a number of reasons:

  1. She thinks we both changed too much and it wont work anymore
  2. She’s nearly been diagnosed with bi-polar and borderline personality disorder and it has messed her up a lot and put strain on the relationship.
  3. My depression and eating disorder also didn’t help.

She lives near Birmingham and I live in London so it was a long distance relationship but we made it work by seeing each other every week or 2 weeks and for long periods.

1 month before she dumped me she kept making excuses not to come down and in the end said she was putting off ending the relationship.

She also said she needed to learn to trust herself when drunk because she would get herself into awkward situations.

I asked her face to face if she had cheated on me and she was adament she had not but she said there have been situations that have scared her. Some examples are waking up in the toilets of a club, waking up on someones sofa etc.

Because of the distance we’ve not seen each other in 1 month.

I met her through my best friend at Uni. She knew him from her home town and I’m still good mates with him so he is my only social connection to her.

Otherwise I still chat to her Mum on MSN and she knows how well I’ve been doing since.

I’m just gonna get on with making progress, if she wants me she can come and get me, if not then I don’t care because I believe I can do better than her.

When I get my wages I’ll try some of those products you suggested…cheers!

10

I would suggest being careful what you wear around her, as it may cause her to flip poles (my bipolar friends, I can usually see when they were flipping or getting ready to)

I would suggest IFM and maybe IG. (IFM may bring out your depression)
IH will help build your relationship when you are together.
Instant Shine may help you with your depression.
Ammo may be helpful as well.
I would remember to wear anything the first few times where you can wash it off easily(with soap and water, preferably dish soap), such as wrist or back of the hands. This way if you are starting to see an adverse reaction you can excuse yourself and “Clean up”.

11

Hey Neurotix! Welcome! Good to see you trying pheros, you’re gonna have a blast here! They can change your life! How long have you and the GF been broken up? How long has she had her dual diagnosis? Have you done the required reading and know the stresses these diagnoses can have on you and your life? I’m not being pushy, just concerned.
Those are both heavy hitters, and alot of people in my field won’t even treat a borderline just due to the amount of stress being involved with them causes. That said, they are one of my favorites! BPD is an attachment disorder we believe to be caused by some trauma early in life. For some reason knowing the hurt behind it makes me feel tender towards them, and gives me more desire to stick it out even when they are pushing me away. I would suggest you read up on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, as it is one of the few therapies we are finding that actually help Borderline Personality Disorder. Realize too that one in ten BPD’s commit suicide. I tell you this not to scare you but to make sure you equip yourself with the information necessary to ride this out if you do get back together. So many people feel responsible when this happens, but they have to remember that the BPD person makes their own choices.
Is she medicated for her BiPolar Disorder? This is amazingly easy to treat if consistently medicated. When medication is pushed to the side..LOOK OUT!
I hope you aren’t offended at the information above, I hope it is a help!
I would love to know the circumstances of the breakup, I may have some strategic ideas, BPD’s are a different breed!

Good luck my new friend!

12

Well I’m not in the psycho-analysis field, but therapygirl seems to have given you some awesome advice.

I am just going to venture a guess here, but I’m thinking that it’s possible that your exe’s conditions and your depression may have been the reason you two first clicked in the first place and what kept you together.

Then, when she was diagnosed with the disorders, she realized that you two might not actually be good for each other and in trying to somewhat cope with and stabilize her situation, decided to end the relationship.

Again, I am not in the mental heath field, but I think it may also be possible that the doctor treating her may have told her to avoid negative, depressing or other situations that could trigger her disorder, or even told her that her relationship with you would aggravate her conditions.

I think your best course of action is to let her know that you will be there for her whenever she needs you, and that you treasured what you had with her, but her happiness is most important to you, and don’t want to lose her friendship.

Therapygirl could probably validate or dispel my thoughts on the situation though.

Therapygirl?

13

You are very intuitive Mark. I am concerned that your depression may ba in part caused by all the drama. Is this possible? I like that you are moving on with your life, and for her to see you as healthy and whole apart from her is going to be the very best thing, like Tisha said, she needs to hear about you being out having a ball! Fake it til it’s true! Good points Mark!

14

Thanks for the feedback Therapygirl and mark-in-dallas! I think you’re both spot on.

She broke up with me at the start of August. She said one of the reasons was wanting to trust herself when she is drunk and wanted to stabalise herself. So I think you’re both right when you say that my depression and her depression wasn’t helping the relationship.

She hasn’t been fully diagnosed with either disorder yet. She’s currently on strong anti depressants and sees a therapist every 6 weeks for the last seven months. I think you may be right when you say the therapist may have suggested she doesen’t need anything bringing her down, like my problems.

About 2 months before she dumped me things were different. From February to May it was really good, probably the best the relationship had to offer but there were also a few problems. However June and July were really bad. She became distant and she really changed.

She always said she is fickle and one day she could hate me the next she could love me. Sometimes I even felt like her part time counsellor because most phone calls we had would be her sharing her problems.

However she wasn’t there to listen to my problems and it annoyed me. I also felt highly unappreciated in the relationship too which I started to complain about.

Maybe she broke up because she didn’t think she was good enough? However she seemed very cold and distant when she did break up with me like she had moved on. She didn’t look at me in the same way. It made me feel so small and unloved. But I guess she can’t help how she felt.

I wish I did look into bi-polar and BPD more when I was with her. I did look it up and read about it online but maybe if I had done it more in depth I would’ve been more helpful.

Although my depression and binge eating disorder was out of control so I wasn’t able to help anyone else if I couldn’t even help myself.

Since being dumped I’ve changed because I realised how dead I was in the relationship. I knew I loved her but because I felt unloved back I would binge eat for the comfort I missed.

I’ve not binged on food in 5 weeks now which has been the longest I’ve abstained since I was 10 years old!

I’m reading books on confidence, body language and other stuff to bring out my potential. I’ve written life goals and ambitions.

For some reason I couldn’t do this in the relationship.

Maybe it took losing it to realise who I was and how much better I can be.

Thank you

15

Neurotix,

I am so proud of you for going five weeks without binge eating!!! Go you!! Eating disorders are so hard because we have to have food, it’s always in your face!
I think you are in a much better place without this girl than it sounds like you were with her! I would revel in the “new you”, and look forward to an exciting life without all the drama that she brought with her. A drama filled life is highly overrated! It feels good to be needed, but it’s so exhausting, and no one ever takes care of you! The excitement isn’t worth the cost!
I’m proud of you for the work you are doing on yourself and hope the pheros will help build your confidence and attract a healthy whole woman into your life!

16

Thank you! I’m pleased I’m finally learning to keep it under control. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.

I regret that I didn’t take control of my life while I was with my ex. If I did then I would have been better off and so would she because I would’ve been able to help her more.

However, I’ve learnt that I’m always too considerate in relationships and it is something I need to change for the future. I need live for my needs rather than my partners, there is only so much someone should compromise.

I am better off at the moment. But I just think if me and my ex sort out our own personal problems then a relationship between us would work, although I doubt the chances of it.

17

You both have some serious issues to settle in yourselves. I suggest to take the time out and be able to fresh new air. After that, consider talking this personally to others who can give you expert advices. You are the only one who can sincerely know if the relationship is worth fighting for. Make a move immediately. It’s human to make a fool out of yourself when falling in love, but if you keep on doing it again and again, that’s another thing.

18

Hi Neurotix

I feel your pain. Good for you for turning your life around. It sounds like you are off to a great start. Please don’t take offense by anything I might say next.

I live just ouside of London and have friends who live in Birmingham. The trip is nothing to make for someone who truly wants to be around you. I am a believer that an ex is an ex for a reason and there should be no going back!

I would say that it is more important for you to get on top of your game again in a different direction. Once you are happy within yourself then anything can happen. Since I have been using Pheromones my confidence has grown and I feel more alive when I go out on the weekends. I have so much fun and have no time to think about past events. From a general point of view, I’d say get the socials first. Instant Shine and Instant Honesty are great. I first bought a the to-go of Honesty and now I am on the full size. I am also testing Instant Oopeness as well.

Sorry to sound like such a sap but sometimes when you don’t get what you want it turns out to be a blessing :slight_smile:.

xx