I’ve known some poly couples to recommend this book very highly:
also, extremely helpful for my own marriage and relationships in general:
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail | The Gottman InstituteThe Gottman Institute
The first is the book was given to me by a very open minded woman who I had an affair with - her open marriage is still going great.
The second book was given to me by a very highly regarded marriage therapist my wife and I visited for several months, and our marriage is in better shape then ever before, a year and a half after my affair. My overall observation and understanding is that it takes a very highly functional marriage in order to maintain an open relationship. Though, it’s certainly not necessary for a relationship to be open in order for it to be correctly-functioning. At end of the day, people aren’t perfect and you can’t control them. Life is too short to try to control people that you can’t. Did the the woman I have an affair with fall in love with me? She absolutely did! And I broke her heart. And I broke my wife’s heart. And then I went into atrial fibrillation and had to get shocked at the hospital, so I guess my own heart wasn’t doing to well either. But affair-girl went on to mend things w/ her husband, date other guys, and even have another baby. I mended things with my wife, we worked on our relationship, and we had another baby too. In the open marriage, who’s going to support you through you misery when you fall in love with someone else outside your marriage and he breaks your heart… you husband’s got to be there to support you, hear you, and not judge. Is that what he’s so eager to sign up for? It can happen even if your marriage isn’t supposed to be “open”, it’s just more likely if you’re out actively dating other guys.
The best predictors of who you will be in a relationship with is distance, as in who resides in the same places you reside at the same time (so that you can smell them and interact with them), and secondly who is different enough from you so as not to be too closely related; see mhc complex and attraction. Also, in any given pairing the tenancy of the male to remain optimistic and promote a positive attitude toward the relationship is highly correlated with the relationship duration - whereas the woman’s attitude negative or positive does not have any particular impact so long as the male leads with a positive dynamic. Sexual response can be viewed as a sort of inflammation of the immune system. We become inflamed in response to MHC gene markers that represent non-self, and physical traits that are the opposite of your own (I have a hook nose, her’s is turned upwards, etc.)… A person closer to androgynous will seek a more androgynous partner and longer-term relationships - and one with more feminine or masculine features and any particular extremes, will look for the opposite extremes. Extreme opposites tend to be shorter-term, where as closer-to-androgynous/similar pairings are longer duration. Typically couples enjoy the same smells in their environment, but find their partner smells differently from members of their family… we treat the similar more like family, but they excite us less. Beyond that, you establish mirroring behaviors, and integrate aspects of the other person’s qualities into your sense of self - which can be seen as growth of the self which leads to procreation which is further growth. Though a woman may be sexual per-se, woman’s sexual arousal towards a partner will always be highest with a novel partner, and will naturally decrease for each month the relationship continues. Novel mates are of course quite invigorating, and we need not judge our mates or ourselves over attraction that occurred based on inherent qualities. The relationship will grow and move forward to the extent that in the area where your lives overlap, you go new places together, do different things together, acquiring new skills and memories, etc.
Consider this
Relationships And Social Cognition Lab, UC Berkeley
and also this
The Book of Questions: Gregory Stock Ph.D.: 9780894803208: Amazon.com: Books
Infidelity is not the end of your marriage per-se. Couples recover from that all the time, or even integrate this behavior into the relationship. How easily a couple deals with infidelity and jealously, and distance, money problems, and other stress of life - what matters is the dynamic you both maintain in the relationship. If you maintain a really positive supportive dynamic from both ends, you can make any situation work. If not, you probably can’t make anything work.
Make sure that you are both looking forward and not backward; seeing your options and possibilities; supporting each other in a positive direction into the future out of love. Whatever you do, do it out of love, and never out of obligation or following rules. Do not play a game of “Gotcha”. Instead of rules, look at things in terms of mutual benefit between equals. Or if one is seen is superior, one benefits from the superior status of the other and makes them-self indispensable to the other. Once you start seeing your partner as property that you control, your headed for trouble. Give pleasure and affection without expectations or obligations. Each should empower the other. The discussion of open marriage began with a harsh startup. It did not begin by reassuring each other sufficiently. There were elements of defensiveness, criticizing, stonewalling, disgust, etc. Thus we already know the direction of the discussion will lead to a negative interaction. At the same time, stonewalling and being shell-shocked will also be destructive to the relationship. Stonewalling is a manner of being defensive, which escalates. Gauge your own behavior for evidence of stonewalling, withdrawing, etc. as well as cross-talk. Complaining about the specific behavior the other person engages in is acceptable. Any behavior that leads to a less desirable situation, you can complain. Everyone is allowed to complain He should hear you, and not be defensive. Similarly, you should hear him without stonewalling or cross-talking, etc. Both people should avoid defending themselves against any complaint against their behavior. Simply acknowledge the direction the behavior led, and how we feel about the situation result - yet value the other person as “one of us”. Each must hear the other person, and avoid over-rationalizing it or being too much of a “mr fix-it”. Attacking the character of the other person is not acceptable. Begin any future discussion by praising the character of the other person (reassurance). He should in turn do the same. This is the gentle startup. Then, you may complain about the SITUATION that “we” are in. Speak of the character of the person as person as part of “US” and looking forward, lead the discussion towards how we are going to move towards a better situation that makes us feel better… by asking questions - if we did this, how would we feel about the result? What if instead we did this? Stay very far away from from any expressions of disgust and contempt (Sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor). Any judgement is counter-productive - such things are all very bad for your marriage - not just this relationship, but also future relationships. At the same time, avoid any instinct to protect yourself (defensiveness) as this only escallates conflict.
I would suggest that with an open relationship, the door is open to compare one man to another. Avoid directly comparing one man’s character to another, as this is toxic to the potential with either man. Instead, focus on maintaining a positive pattern of interaction with any given man who you are seeing - or all the men you are seeing, however it works out. Read up on John Gottman’s work, but also check out the books on poly living. Complain about, and work on - the situation, the way in which things are discussed. Tactics. The behaviors and ways of socializing. Don’t get to hung up on this or that partner’s inherent characteristics - it was those characteristic that attracted you to each other in the first place. A good partnership is marked by mutual expression of seeing the value in the other, taking enjoyment in their presence, and praising their motives and differing skills and perspective. I think if you can get it right with the husband, you can get it right with many others too if you so desire. On the other hand, if you haven’t learned a better way to interact with the husband, you’ll likely be doomed to repeat the same problems in future relationships.
“Research
shows that it is not the mere presence or absence of conflicts
that undermines relationships; instead it is the way partners behave
and handle themselves during a conflict that has consequences for the
health of the relationship, as well as of individual members (Eaker et
al., 2007; Filsinger & Thoma, 1988; McGonagle, Kessler, & Gotlib,
1993; Smith, & Uchino, 2006). For example, constructive behaviors
such as partner perspective-taking and problem-solving facilitate effective
resolution of conflicts, potentially turning them into contexts
in which relationships are validated rather than undermined (Arriaga
& Rusbult, 1998; Heavey et al., 1993). In contrast, use of negative
conflict tactics, such as criticism, withdrawal, stonewalling, and expression
of hostility reduces general relationship satisfaction and can
eventually lead to the dissolution of the bond (Arriaga & Rusbult,
1998; Clements, Cordova, Markman, & Laurenceau, 1997; Gottman,
Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998; Levenson & Gottman, 1983).”
There are a lot of papers floating around about heart rate, and the way it can escalate before a negative interaction has even started, just on the expectation that it’s going to. By the time you reach defensiveness and stonewalling, you have already reached the flooding stage where the individual is overwhelmed. Mild hypnotics - pheromonal, can play a part here in maintaining calm so that we can better attend to our partners without elevated heart rates and flooding.
You want to know how people manage open relationships? It’s the way they effectively manage conflict. If you are really good at managing relationship conflict constructively and avoid the negative conflict tactics, then the presence of things that would cause conflict - such as other sexual partners, money problems, and other stresses, are managed together effectively. That doesn’t mean you need to do anything that might inject more potential for conflict into your marriage - though when these things come your way, you will have strategies to handle it. I have also found that some of the pheros sold by androtics are helpful to keep those feel-good vibes going - TAC, P74, many others, can prevent panic from setting in before it starts. Say reasuring things, listen, support, and also give off reassuring pheros, it goes a long way.
