Love and marriage - need advice...

Lounge
1

I have some issues Im going through lately, and I would like your input.

I have been happily married for 12 years, I love my wife and she loves me. We hardly ever have any problems and we communicate very well.

7 years ago my wife became a therapist and had a serious criminal offender in therapy. She began to see this guy outside therapy and when I found out she had been meeting him several times, I demanded she stopped all contact, which she did. She came clean with her superiors and because of her lack of experience and the fact that she had just graduated, she wasn’t sanctioned.

She changed her phone number when he kept calling her after she broke it off. She never had anything to do with him again, and I know for a fact that it wasn’t a physical affair, it was mostly flirting.

To this day she is very shameful of it all, but we never discuss it. The few times I have mentioned it she won’t look me in the eyes. She didn’t have any physical contact with him, but confessed that she had a crush on him. I was of course emotional hurt, but I quickly forgave her and we moved on.

Now 7 years later it all comes back to me. I realize that I never really processed it throughly, I never allowed myself to really feel betrayed. I see the absurd in the fact that I haven’t thought about this whole misery for 5-6 years. It just came up the other day.

Should I talk to her about it, or let it pass. Accept the fact that we all make mistakes in life and move on. That you can’t expect to go through life without a few scars. And she is the most loving and faithful wife I can think of. Never wears anything revealing, always very professional in her work. Admired by many. Very caring.

Part of me wants to tell her how I feel about the whole thing. Even though I know she is very ashamed about the whole thing, and probably will have her heart broken when I bring it up, I just need to tell her how stupid she was and how bad I felt.

Is that selfish of me?

2

If you forgave her, then you probably should let it drop. I’ve been married 11 years now. I hate to get stuff thrown back in my face years later after the fact. If you know it’s going to damage her to bring it back up, then it must mean that you never did forgive her. What will you gain except some personal satisfaction over your wife’s shame? Is it worth your marriage?

3

Good point. I did forgive her. I just never quite understood why it happened. I never got a decent explanation. But on the other hand, what good will it do. I think perhaps you’re right, suck it up.

4

I’ll preface this with I don’t know anything about your relationship with your wife. Usually when a woman has an emotional affair, it’s because she’s not getting the intimacy that she needs. I’m a quiet stoic guy who has to make an effort to converse with my wife. She’s a natural talker, so I can listen all day. She wants me to be more open. On the other hand, maybe she was just attracted to the bad boy.

You could pick up something like IH, and maybe have a conversation that leads around to it. However, when someone gets accused or feels like they are getting blamed for something, they will in turn go out do that thing because you already believe them to be doing it. Like reverse psychology. If you still feel bitter about it or that you can’t get past it, maybe you should see someone like a marriage counselor ..

5

Just really good advice IMO…get your own therapist & talk things out before you confront your wife on this issue. Perhaps YOUR therapist will suggest the two of you visit with her together to gain final understanding & obtain closure at last. If you never really understood her motivations for seeing a criminal I think its reasonable to get that final explanation…but handle it wisely & patiently. You’ve waited 7 years already, whats a month or two more?
Best wishes friend :wink:

6

Im sorry but thoughts dont just pop out of no where unless your psychic but thats a whole different subject. There is something that is triggering these sudden thoughts in you. In other words its about you not about her and her being a therapist she is going to know that the second you bring it up.

These questions are for you to ponder not answer here in the forum. To help you find whats causeing these sudden thoughts.

Has anything changed in your relationship ? She been working more or connecting less with you ?

I assume your using mones, do you feel guilt for using them ? Do you feel like your doing something wrong ?

Do you feel guilt for something else ? Like maybe you have come across someone you feel an attraction with. I am not saying your acting on it or even thinking of acting on it but that can sometimes trigger guilt.

Your wife made a mistake in meeting a potentially dangerous client outside of a controlled setting. She didnt betray you or cheat on you. Even if there is a attraction, attraction in its self is not betrayal. She may have met him but she didnt act on the attraction. We feel attraction for many people we meet in our lives. The attraction is not a betrayal.

I am not saying her meeting him was right. It was very dangerous and I dont blame you for being pissed about it but if your mad there was a connection and attraction between her and him (that wasn’t acted on) then thats about your own insecurity not about her. She cant do anything about that and even knowing why is not going to fix your insecurity. What is triggering your feelings insecurity ?

Ok look at it from this perspective…

If I think about killing someone am I am murderer ?

Thoughts are just thoughts until you put them into action. They are not wrong or right.

Flirtation is just a way people connect. Its not wrong or right until its acted upon.

I am not saying to hold your feelings inside because that is not healthy either but before you say anything know what is triggering this because I guarantee you she will figure it out.

You mentioned you forgave her and your marriage has been good since the incident. I believe you have forgiven her.

My question is what do you need to forgive yourself for ? Thats your trigger.

Do you need more of a clue ?

Here read this >>> Ladies, I need your insight

Its not about her, its about you.

Tisha

7

I always learn so much from Tisha’s post :o Did you study psychology?

8

To respond to this post, first off, I haven’t been married but I used to have a lot of emotional struggle and intense surge of anger that led to physical self destruction behavior.

Other than guilt as what Tisha said, the feeling of self-failure/ incompetence can also trigger the sudden resentment too. Although we know our incompetence has responsibility on things that go wrong, our self- protection psychology often shift the blame to the others from ourselves. Our ego sometimes cannot accept the fact that it is us who cause certain bad things, thus we convince ourselves to rationalize that it is indeed not our responsibility and is the fault of the others. Either it is guilt or feeling of incompetence, Tisha is very right: review your recent life and find out the trigger. The history of her crush has passed; the real problem now is the trigger that provokes negative emotion.

You said you have forgiven her but you still cannot let it go? That does not make any sense. If you cannot let it go, don’t deceive yourself that that you have forgiven. Facing and admitting the true emotion are the key.

I used to have INTENSE resentment. I am qualified to say that forgiving is not that hard, it just takes a thought. The hard part is to get out of the self-centered emotional maze at first. Only accepting and admitting would lead to forgiveness. How hard it is to forgive depends on how you weigh your love against your ego. We tend to focus on ourselves too much. It’s always me, me, me. “I” got hurt. If you let your resentment linger, she will find out and it will definitely hurt her too. Is the “me” more important or preventing future damage more important?

Last thing is that, you said you want to find out the reason of her crush. However, as you said, she has not been in contact with that person for so many years, and you know that digging into the question would hurt her feelings. There are so many untouchable questions on earth. I am from a complicated family and there are apparently truths buried in the ground, but I know I would hurt the feelings of the others if I insist to dig it out. The feeling of the person that I care is WAY more important than the history. There are so many unanswered questions in life, but in my perspective, it is fine as long as the person is true to you in the present (she is not cheating now). If the truth in the history would harm her and your feelings, why should you bear the cost just for the sake of fulfilling curiosity or whatever? I was brought up with unanswered questions; I never brought them up because I was waiting for one day that the person would tell me. If the person doesn’t tell me, it means that he doesn’t want to and I shouldn’t dig into his wound if I love him. The history doesn’t bother me because I have a good present moment which is made by the effort of so many people who resolved the problem in the past. Same to your case. History has sunk into dust, find out the trigger which is the problem in the present.

Good luck.