Relationship Advice!

Lounge
1

Hi guys. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I’m looking for some help with my “relationship”. I’m going to be as vivid as possible with this story, hopefully to produce some accurate advice :slight_smile: So if you’ve got a minute to analyze my situation, I appreciate it in advance! :slight_smile:

I met this amazing girl a few months ago, and we immediately clicked and started just being amazing. For about 2 weeks, everything was perfect between us. Then I got mad at her one day, and things started to change. She stopped talking as much, stopped calling as much, stopped wanting to do things as much..but still claimed she was happy. We’re 8 weeks into the relationship right now, and I really dig this girl. But she just doesn’t do any cute things anymore. She doesn’t seem like she cares as much anymore, and I’ve broken up with her a few times because of it.

Every time I break up with her, she cries and says she loves “us” and wants to continue because it makes her happy. She promises that everything is okay, and she wants to stay with me. She tells me “Mike, I love being with you, I love this relationship, I’m sorry I’m just not good at showing it sometimes!” And I believe that, but I realize that at first (early into the relationship), she could easily show how happy she was!

But I really don’t feel it. As an example, I burned her a CD she was asking for, and decided to be really clever and put a love note on it, along with a picture I took of her the first day we met. But for 4 days in a row, I couldn’t even get her to look at it. She was “ehh..too lazy”. And I broke up with her because I felt that she wasn’t happy, because why else wouldn’t she look at it? But she said “Mike I’m sorry I have a bad memory sometimes. And sometimes I just feel too lazy and tired to look at it”. Cool, whatever, things were good.

Until recently, I asked her friend if she ever cheated on me…and her friend admitted that she did. She wouldn’t admit it to me though, and she even swore on her mom that she wasn’t lying! But I knew it, and I told her that if she admits it, I wouldn’t break up with her.

And then she admitted it! She was dating a guy for a year before me, and it was the first guy she “loved”. She apparantly cheated on me (sex) three weeks into the relationship, “to see if she was still in love with him because she didn’t want to commit to another relationship without knowing her best option.” And apparantly, she decided she was happier with me.

Now, that’s pretty f’ed up eh? But, I told her that I will forgive her this one time, and it’ll never happen again. I told her she needs to step up the relationship if she’s happy with me. She tells me “Mike I’m so sorry I didn’t want you to find out because you make me feel happier than anybody else, and I don’t want to lose you”. And I’ve broken up with her about 6 times, and she still says she is happy. But..if she was happy then why doesn’t she show me her love, why doesn’t she want to be around me more (we spend about 3 days a week together), and why did she feel like she needed to find out if she still loved her ex-bf?

I am very happy to be with this girl. I realize that she is almost 18 and needs some growing up to do. And if I break up with her, I will never know if it’ll work. So as of now, I’m deciding to stay with her, and see how everything goes. She says she likes to sabotage good things she has, but promises not to do that again. She said it’s difficult for her because I’m the first guy that has ever cared for her (All her ex’s beat her and were HORRIBLE bfs). What is going on here guys/gals? What advice can you offer me?

:confused:

Thank you so much!

(P.S. I want POSITIVE advice here guys. Please no BS responses like “oh you shouldn’t be dating a young girl anyway!” I’m looking to help the situation. Thanks!)

2

The magical 2 weeks strikes again,
The average crush lasts 2 weeks,

At 18 maybe you need some time apart?
It sounds like you both need to grow and mature, so that you will have a better relationship in the future,
as well as basically she needs to know if she is in a relationship with you she cannot go running around with others.(if that is the way you feel)

Either that or you need to drop back to the parts of your relationship that worked best, talking, cuddling and hanging out, or what ever they might be, that happened in the first two weeks.

No matter what steps must be taken to build the relationship else it will crumble, and yes she will cry, and whine about “loosing you” but emotionally she will be better for it.

3

She doesn’t like to cuddle. She says she only likes it when she is chasing a guy, and she needs to work on that. She says she only likes to be romantic until she gets comfortable, and she needs to work on that.

When we have sex, she doesn’t even like foreplay! She gets mad if I do.

We still hang out at my house about 3 days a week. Except she doesn’t “show” me that much love. We will talk alot and she will put her legs on me..and we do sleep together on the weekends. For some reason like most situations to cuddle, she will lay the other way..or put her purse next to her..it’s really weird.

4

I’m getting the gut feeling this is sounding like the title of a recent “chick flick”. “(S)he’s Just Not That Into You”.

I get the feeling she’s into the idea of a “Relationship”, but it could be with “anyone”, it’s the relationship that counts. I get the feeling that’s the reason she cries when you break up with her, she’s no longer in a relationship.

Either that or she was molested when she was younger…

5

She was raped by her father at the age of 12.

6

In that case, she has issues and needs to get into counseling now. She appears to lack the ability to get close to anyone. She was betrayed and hurt by someone she should have felt close to and protected by. This has effected her ability to trust and let herself get close to anyone.

7

She goes to therapy every week.

We were VERY close at first. Close to the point where she would sing to me, and say I’m head over heels with you, sleep with me day after day, be completely herself around me…Just tell me how happy I made her feel.

When I broke up with her once, I told her she must have a different definition of “love” - and she said “i’m sorry maybe my father messed that up for me, but I promise I won’t sabotage this and I love you”. (Yeah I know, a little weird that “love” so soon, but I’m not going to debate it lol)

And another time she said “How can I feel as happy as I used to around you, if I have to worry every day about doing something wrong and having you break up with me!!”.

8

you touched on my two thoughts as well,
CoDependence, “has to be in a relationship” and abuse

If you like her and feel the two of you can grow through this, you are willing to sacrifice the time, (because there is no grantee she will ever mature beyond her current relationship abilities) to help her and can put up with any BS that may arise.

Else it would be best to Make a clean break, recommend professional help, and leave it at that you might be willing to try again some day.

9

When you broke up with her, you “betrayed” her, just as her father did. (betrayal, not rape) Now, subconsciously, she can’t trust you and feel close. She is being pulled in two different directions. One, she wants the relationship, the other, she can’t get close and let her guard down because you “betrayed” her. She may not even realize this is going on.

10

I had a roommate in college meet a girl at move-in (our suite mate’s ex girlfriend).
This was in August, by Halloween besides class time, they calculated they had been apart a total of 6 hours.

Engaged at two weeks, three years later they were married, and 6 years later they were still together.

So it can happen pretty quickly, having been around abused women (they flocked to me for some reason in school) the relationships can be weird and tough work, but understanding why they do what they do can help get through it. communication is key. talk about your thoughts, feelings, and emotions you are going through with each other and keep it honest.

11

She never wants to talk about feelings. She used to, but ever since I did something stupid one day (COMPLETELY STUPID of me, and not even true thoughts cause I was wasted and pissed off, I told her she shouldn’t still be depressed over her dad), she changed alot.

But I can’t feel for this girl unless she gets comfortable with me again. I told her that, and things don’t seem to change…

What do I do? I know she loves me. I KNOW it.

12

Until last week, I KNEW that my wife and the mother of my kids was in love with me, guess what, the only person who knows what she thinks is her. I suspect that when you told her that she shouldn’t be depressed over her dad, you ( in her subconscious) aligned yourself with him. Man, you have got some big making up to do, either that or walk away otherwise you will cause her more damage.

13

Well how do I fix this? I show her so much love and she knows I care for her…but idk how do I fix her subconscious?

14

YOU dont.

15

Hose yourself down with IH and hope for the best…

http://img40.imageshack.us/img40/5206/brokenx.jpg

16

Agreed. She sounds like she has years of professional counseling ahead of her, or years of crazy. One or the other, sorry.

17

Seems like she has a lot of baggage, which is not good. She still hasn’t gotten over all the abuse, and it may take many years to. I think this makes her emotionally unstable and she can’t quite decide what she wants. I say you should let her go because it could potentially get worse.

18

If she ever gets over it, typically most can deal with it but they never “get over” it.

19

Keep in mind that we’re just a bunch of yo-yos on an Internet Web site, you may want to get some professional advice. If you’re still in college try your Student Health Services Counseling Services.

20

Is it weird that the fact that she is a little unstable kind of turns me on to her? Like I can be the person there for her? Every girl I’ve ever felt for has been a little similar. It’s really hard to explain haha.

I’m just going to try my hardest to care for her…and not break up with her..eh

You guys offered some great advice! How do you do the little thanks? Thank you all