from theapproach.com
Persistence. It’s what differentiates able, successful men who
achieve great things in their lives from all other men, who bow
when faced with difficulty. Every man who has great things come
into his life brings such things about because he is persistent in
chasing his dreams, his goals, and his objectives.
And women absolutely love that kind of man.
Persistence in pushing for what one wants is a strong and
attractive trait in a man. It is a quality quite different from
neediness or obsessiveness in pursuing something… men who are
needy or obsessed are, at the core of it, ruled by their fears.
Because they feel helpless and not in control, they place all of
their hopes upon one or two things: that one specific job they
absolutely must land, that one particular woman they require for
happiness, a certain outcome they need in order to feel accomplished.
If a man can persist without neediness, he will be perceived as
someone who is playful, confident, self-assured: a man who will
not take no for an answer, and is not discouraged by a few harsh
words from a woman. After all, words are words… and the
persistent man knows that actions speak louder!
There are a few clear, differentiated stages that men are in when
it comes to their attitudes with women, and how they are perceived
by women. The first, and worst, is the obsessive / needy stage -
where a man is living in a “scarcity mentality”, meaning that he
sees women as rare resources and puts a tremendous amount of
pressure on himself to be successful in every interaction he has
with a woman. These men exude neediness and validation-seeking -
which is extremely unattractive to women. Often, these men will
try and try again to get with the same girls, but this is not the
kind of persistence that women appreciate. It is not persistence
because he has options and likes her; it is persistence out of
desperation, because in his mind he HAS no other valid options.
Once a man shakes off neediness, sometimes he also stops following
through with women that he meets who are not immediately receptive
to him. He may begin to feel that he is meeting enough women that
it isn’t worth it for him to pursue those who aren’t as eager to be
with him as some others are, and that any girl who doesn’t want him
can be easily replaced. Because of this mentality, many men miss
out on some amazing women… women who need to warm up to a man
before they give themselves to him, or who just aren’t ready to see
him yet, for whatever reason.
As men, we tend to look at the world through the eyes of men. We
make a decision once, and that’s IT. It’s final. Men who are
wishy-washy and indecisive are looked down upon. A man must be
firm and absolute. But women are not like this.
A woman may decide that she likes you today, and tomorrow she will
not feel like talking to you. Conversely, today she may want
nothing to do with you, and tomorrow she will be very excited by
the thought that you are coming to meet her.
I have dated women who, when I asked how they got together with
their previous boyfriends, have told me that they ended up together
because the man “kept trying.” Each of these girls told me that a
guy proposed a date to her, but she declined. He asked her out
again later, and again she declined. Then, later still, he asked
her out again — and this time she said yes! The girls went out
with these guys purely because they were persistent, and then on
the date they realized that hey, this guy isn’t so bad after all!
Here’s a fun experiment: talk to every woman you know who’s been
dating for a while, and ask her if she’s ever dated a man whom she
at first was not interested in or whom she outright rejected
originally. All of those men eventually ended up with those women
because they were not affected by her original disinterest, and in
the end they got the girl.
Persistence often shows itself to be a sign of strength and
determination when a man first meets a woman. For instance, in a
nightclub sometimes a girl will not be immediately receptive to a
guy, and he will wander off and rejoin his friends or talk to
someone else. If he comes back and reengages that same girl from
earlier again later, often he will find that she is happier to see
him the second time around than she was the first time he met her.
Persistence pays off.
Why then are many men not persistent? These are the three most
common reasons:
-
A belief that because a girl was not as warm to him as he
would’ve liked, she will not want to see or talk to him again -
A decision that he does not have time to worry about women who
don’t appear very interested in him -
Resentment or bad feelings towards women who don’t appear very
interested in him
Simply because a girl has been unreceptive to you does NOT mean she
will never want to talk to you again. Only rarely this is the case;
usually it is not. By being persistent, you will begin to learn
where the boundaries are with women, and succeed at pushing past
barriers that you will realize were simply imaginary. You may find
that that girl you talked to in line at the buffet didn’t really
respond when you first talked to her because she was shy or she
hadn’t talked to anyone all day and had to warm up to being social
first - not because she didn’t like you. The second time around
when you go back she is ready to talk to you now. You may find
that the girl you talked to on the phone a few days ago and it
didn’t go so well is actually glad to hear from you a week later.
Not all the time, but some of the time. And that’s better than
giving up on all of those opportunities with women that you liked.
If your concern is that you do not have the time to worry about
women who are seemingly not very attracted to you, realize that it
doesn’t take much time or energy to swoop back by a girl in a
nightclub or cafe and talk for a few more minutes, or pick up the
phone and call a girl you’ve talked to a few times for another five
minutes. It’s really not a huge amount of time spent. Oftentimes
men will use this as an excuse to avoid confronting a fear that the
girl is not very into him. Get rid of this excuse, and touch bases
again with these women that you’ve already invested time in.
Sometimes the next conversation you have with her is the one that
clicks.
Finally, if you feel hurt when a woman doesn’t jump into an
interaction with you feet first - don’t! There are many reasons
why this can happen. She might not be warmed up to social
interaction (maybe you’re one of only a few people she’s talked to
all day); she might be having a tough day or night. It could be
anything. Shrug it off, and say hi to her later on and see how
she’s doing. Try not to see it as her “rejecting you”, because
that’s usually not what happened - and even if it is, persistence
can sometimes turn that around too!
All in all, not only is persistence a trait that will better
prepare you to get the things you want out of your interactions
with women and out of life in general; it’s also a lot of fun. If
you think a girl is cute, why not go and talk to her one more time?
You may very well end up thanking yourself later for doing so.
Chase A.
theApproach: The Science of Social Chemistry for the Modern Gentleman