Relationship question for the guys

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Men's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports
1

I posted this same question to the ladies, just wanted to get two very distinct views on this:

Me and my girl have had some rocky times in the past, but usually we make up rather quickly.
About 3-4 weeks ago, we had another pretty good falling out. She says she still loves me, but doesn’t know if she can forgive me, and she does not trust me.

During our argument, it got ugly and we both said a few rather hurtful things to each other. I apologized which she accepted, but as she said she doesn’t know if she forgives me.

She hasn’t apologized, but I have already told her that I know she didn’t mean the things she said, that she was upset, and words quite honestly don’t bother me. When people say things to me in the heat of anger, I know that’s a huge part of it, they’re just hurt and want to hurt back.

So here’s the issue:
About a week and a half ago, she went back to acting as if everything was normal. Conversations at work were normal, the fun flirting, teasing etc we do was all going on. I was not making any attempts at approaching her, she was coming to me often, even after her shift she would come talk to me, and I could see she was not wanting to leave, but I had to work so she had to.
In another situation, she kinda followed me around while still on lunch and I was on break. Normally she’d finish her lunch getting in a quick smoke before going back to work, but instead she just followed me around.

The next day, I actually took her in my arms and she put her head on my shoulder as I hugged her. That’s when she told me she still loved me, but didn’t know if she could forgive me.

Outside of work, I was also giving her some space, letting her make any attempts at talking to me. This was still really soon after our argument, so there wasn’t much going on in conversing outside of work.

She’s moving in December out of state for school. We had planned on moving in together in the past, but have since changed our minds on that.
There has been discussion on my relocating too, I had planned on moving to San Francisco this fall before I even met her, and she is going to Santa Cruz.
So even if I moved to San Fran, we’d be under 2 hours from each other.

We had a talk the other night and we were discussing our future when she said she didn’t know if she wanted to handle me.
I told her that we had such a short amount of time together, that I wasn’t just going to sit around and wait.

I brought up how she had been acting, following me around, coming to talk to me etc.
Her response was, that she was just treating me like anyone else at work she didn’t hate, that she wasn’t trying to bring me back into her life, because that’s what she did NOT want. She was done with me, but just hadn’t had the heart to tell me.

So I told her then it would be best that at work, she kept her distance, and our discussions remain purely work related. While we work in the same building, she is in a different department, so we’re not right next to each other all day.

Her response was that she wasn’t going to make it easy on me.

Anyway, I know this girl really well. While she may have said this stuff in this moment, she would not necessarily mean it in the next.
I asked her if something were going on, and yeah she was bothered by something in her life, but she just didn’t feel up to talk to me about it.

This girl is very special to me. I’m not perfect, neither is she. But I don’t want my ego to get in the way and not reach out to her if that is what she’s really wanting from me.

Since that conversation she was on vacation, but was back at work yesterday. I had to ask her a quick question, she was playful once again. I was working with one guy yesterday who before we had this disagreement she talked to him, but didn’t make it a point to stop by every passing to speak to him, but now does. He’s gay, so he’s not competition. But she’s making sure to make her presence known.

I also still catch her eying me from afar. This is not just wishful thinking, two guys I work with both noticed it was she who was always coming by to talk to me, and then at work yesterday another guy started laughing and I asked him what he was laughing about, and he was like…"Your girl man, she comes walking by and it’s like, ‘notice me.’ "

When we first got together we broke things off about 3 months into it. But, if I had not reached out and talk to her, I wouldn’t have found out she was just trying to figure out whether or not she really loved me, and came to the conclusion that she did.

She is very strong willed, and if she’s wanting me back into her life, she won’t say anything unless she reaches some point of desperation. I will have to make most of the effort to find out.

So my question are these:

  1. Being that she said she is done, do I just continue to act as if we are completely done and move on?

  2. Is her continuing proximity a sign that she’s not truly done, but wants me to initiate, but maybe take things real slow to build up her trust again?

  3. Do I just call her / text her and tell her that I still love her and miss her?

  4. Do I just break through this wall she’s built up, take her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and I am not going to leave her, that I’m going to fight for her?

Thanks in advance gentlemen

2

yes to all those things if u really care about her

3

She is not done with you for sure.
I’ve been in this situation 10 months ago and i f****d up.

Plz don’t call or txt her.
She will call you i promise!
Make her believe that your life is perfect without her.
And she will run back to you for sure.

BTW if you want her back… never tell her something about other girls!
Your life is great with or without her.

4

  1. Being that she said she is done, do I just continue to act as if we are completely done and move on?
    Yes. 100% Yes. Regardless of whether or not she truly meant it, focus on your own life and having a good time. As henk similarly mentioned, if she is actually worth it she will be drawn back to you.

  2. Is her continuing proximity a sign that she’s not truly done, but wants me to initiate, but maybe take things real slow to build up her trust again?
    Perhaps. Perhaps not. Read answer to 1.

  3. Do I just call her / text her and tell her that I still love her and miss her?

  4. Do I just break through this wall she’s built up, take her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and I am not going to leave her, that I’m going to fight for her?
    NO. To both 3&4. Especially after reading the context of your situation, NO.

I am no relationship guru and I can only offer my frank and honest opinion, based on my relationships and those I have seen from friends in similar situations. Your ex was explicit in what she wants and what she does not want. If you attempt to rekindle your relationship, no matter how subtly you try, it will only have an opposite effect. As I mentioned before, live your life to the fullest and if she happens to see how great your life is going without her, she will undoubtedly start to think.

However, I am not saying that you should pretend to be having a blast in front of her to make her regret her decisions. Instead, actually have fun and enjoy yourself. Hang with your bros, workout, and get excited for your adventures in SF. Who knows, you might find someone amazing along the way. Best wishes.

5

So my question are these:

  1. Being that she said she is done, do I just continue to act as if we are completely done and move on?
    Yes
  2. Is her continuing proximity a sign that she’s not truly done, but wants me to initiate, but maybe take things real slow to build up her trust again?
    Id say shes expecting you to be all sad and butt hurt and trying not to cry. if she was done she would ignore you completely. girls like feeling missed. It strokes their ego and pretty much reminds them they have value
  3. Do I just call her / text her and tell her that I still love her and miss her?
    NO!!!
  4. Do I just break through this wall she’s built up, take her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and I am not going to leave her, that I’m going to fight for her?
    Ive tried that, not necessarily hugged or tell her im not going away, but got deleted and blocked off facebook, by her and her two best friends.

Thanks in advance gentlemen

Again, thats just me man.

If you move to SF, hit me up. I’m about 30 mins away.

6

  1. Being that she said she is done, do I just continue to act as if we are completely done and move on?
    A: I suggest you dont, if you start truelly doing your own thing and she still wants you she will come back, But if she doesnt atleast your headed in your own direction. No need to sit and wait for nothing anyway.

  2. Is her continuing proximity a sign that she’s not truly done, but wants me to initiate, but maybe take things real slow to build up her trust again?
    A: She could just be scared and lonely and not have really found someone else yet. Your her comfort zone so she will hover until she finds someone else to move on with.

  3. Do I just call her / text her and tell her that I still love her and miss her?
    A: If you want to sound desperate and lonely, sure. Refer back to my riginal answer.

  4. Do I just break through this wall she’s built up, take her in my arms and tell her how much I love her and I am not going to leave her, that I’m going to fight for her?
    A: From my experience, you’ll only wear yourself out for no reason. Ive tried this with multiple women. Not worth the time, energy, or money. It never turns out in your favor.

7

I wouldn’t just act. Things end because of reasons. I’ve seen over and over again things that should have been over and done with, keep going. It just hurts everyone in the process, you go from having a viable friendship to completely ruining everything. However, I didn’t read anywhere there that you two actually sat down and made one last civil attempt as salvaging what you two have. If you haven’t then I would recommend that. You cannot just end things on “I love you but I don’t know if I can forgive you”. There is some hesitation there, find out what that is. Depending on what you two come out with, you two need to stick to it, because if its the right thing to do for both of you, then that should be respected and honored, regardless of which path you decide to take.

There shouldn’t be this ambiguity, it’s fine when you’re first courting but after that there shouldn’t be mixed messages when things become this serious.

If you mean it, do it, but what is your intended goal of saying that? Is it purely to tell her that, or is a part of it to try and illicit the good feelings back again?

8

Man, #3 and 4 always make me sad. The more you confess your feelings the more you drive women away. And they (esp American women) really want sincere and sensitive guys? lol

9

Well every woman really seems to want a caring and sensative guy, But when they get someone who truelly cares, more often than not they freak out and dont know what to do with it.

10

Lol so true.

I’ve made that mistake.

11

So far I have not initiated any convo with her, in person or via phone / FB etc. Other than asking her a question about work.

As far as mentioning other girls, she’s a very jealous type, I don’t plan on mentioning any. However, being that I live just blocks away from the Store, and it is where I shop, if I do start seeing someone else, she’s gonna see it and have to deal.

12

That’s not only the plan, but what I have already implemented. I told her I wasn’t going to wait around for her to decide whether or not she wanted to “handle,” me.

She’s hard headed, and that’s the thing. Even if she regrets her decision, I won’t know about it, she will want me to make that first move. She really tries hard to be the one calling the shots and having the power.

13

Haha… she definitely wants me to be hurt. She said she wasn’t going to make it easy on me.

And yeah, if I do move to Frisco, I will definitely look you up.

14

When I say “act,” I didn’t mean pretend. I literally meant continuing to behave the way I am now. I have moved on when it comes to contacting her, I am going out, having fun, working on my life as I have always done. And if I were to meet someone tonight, I would ask them out.

However, I’m not moving on because I necessarily wanted to. I am moving on out of respect because that’s what she said she wanted, but is acting contrary to that, which is why I posed these questions.

I know sometimes people say things because they’re angry, and hurt and may feel that in the moment, but in hind sight regret it later. Ego then gets in the way, and instead of just saying “I’m wrong,” they continue to live the charade in hopes that someone else will make the move.

She’s done this before, not just me, but with girlfriends. She’s hard headed and passionate about things, good or bad.

Me, for the most part, I’m a “I’d rather be happy, than right,” kind of guy. Not that I will “give in,” but sometimes things just aren’t worth the energy we give them.

Now to answer your question, I do love her. The reason I would tell her that is to let her know that, and give her the opportunity an open door so to speak to enter.

However, I also understand that if she is still angry with me, even if she did love me. Feelings like that being expressed could easily be seen as weak, wussy, as if I’m chasing her, and could elicit feelings of contempt rather than love in return.

So for now, I’m gonna just move on with my life, and if she comes around, she comes around and we see if its worth working out.