I am married and this girl I see at a hotel I regularly visit for the restaurant service sees me with my SO all the time. At the least she knows I’m taken.
But when I talk to her I can tell she is responding to me and is wanting more of me In fact when I wear mx297 around her I become full of charm, and couples with some shine I’m able to keep short conversations going. She works weekends and I see her and talk to her a little each week.
I know she likes Shakespeare and is into books and tans all day in her home . She says she does nothing until she going back to college in the fall.
I am kinda hoping at the least we can be friends. But I don’t know if I should come out and state:
“Look I should be honest with you and tell you right now I am married”. I mean she might see me as this honest guy but even moreso she may just want nothing to do with me and it may kill all the attraction. On the other hand not lying leaves so much weight off my chest I don’t have to worry about slipping up with lies or leaving out details at a later point. Or her finding out for herself and wondering why I never told her.
If I leave it out she may see me as a guy whose taken and I’ve got a push pull effect going with her I will not make the same mistake I did chasing that other skirt who lead me on for so long and then broke my heart.
I was thinking a gentlemen thing to do would be to simply ask her if she’d like to make a trip with me to a bookstore and have a coffee with me since she likes books. I don’t plan on jumping her or anything. I just want to get to know her possibly as a friend for the future but then again the attraction I have for her is deep. there’s a lot of build up lust but I’m controlling myself…
If I ask her out and she says aren’t you taken, or have a girlfriend, or married, I have to be smart and say yes, but I thought we could go as friends..
Of course if she jumps me like most guys who may be in that position, fellows I would have to do the right thing
Honesty, is the ONLY Answer… Wife finds out You Lied, You Got Problems… Random Fling Finds out You Lied, You Got Problems (She Could even Tell the Wife)… Be Honest, Start as Friends… Ya Never Know, The Allure may be Just Physical and She’s a Real Bitch Once ya get to Know Her… I Know Ya Don’t Wanna Think That but it Happens… The Mind Plays Tricks on Ya and Sometimes you Only See What you Want to See… Even if it’s Not Real…
It seems to me that you’re justifying what you want to potentially act upon any moves that she makes.
Why would you tell her you’re taken? From what you’ve written, it doesn’t seem like she’s made obvert moves to you. You perceiving that she wants more of you, and her being friendly and animated about a subject that she is passionate about are completely two different things.
If you tell her you’re married and she isn’t attracted to you, that’s just gonna show her that you’re attracted to her, cause well to put it bluntly, it seems like you are and just looking for a cop out if you stray.
If I tell her I’m married how should I bring it up not to be off putting?
If I leave it out how should I handle questions regarding my SO?
Look I just want to ask her to the bookstore and maybe buy her a book if she’s nice but I don’t know if telling her I’m married will even spoil that chance.
I’m kinda siding with honesty. Look she KNOWS I’m taken that must be assured but she is 99% single or with boyfriend. I am almost 100% sure she is not married.
I’m kinda with the advice of honesty. After all all it takes is for wife to tell her we’re married and that could cause distrust and end all chances.
I’m going with honesty. Now that I have honesty can someone tell me how to ROMANTICALLY tell a woman I’m married and still have her hot for me and not come across like some kinda cheater.
After all its just a visit to a bookstore , it doesn’t have to be implied as a date.
I’m seeing her tommorrow so i would really appreciate quick responses.
So you’re saying it is not the right TIME to tell her I’m married? But others in the hotel know I am. All they have to do is tell her. Its sensitive subject. I have to state it at somepoint and I’d rather be the one stating it first so I feel in control. But I don’t want to kill attraction, like you said she hasn’t given me overt signs she wants more.
But if I ask her to bookstore and coffee and tell her there she may throw a fit and tell me why the hell did I ask her out? Most single people don’t date married people.
I need to be slick here. yes waiting for the right moment is important but she may find out from someone else and then I’ll be in deep soup and ruin any chance I have at friendship with her.
You found a woman you’re attracted to (clearly) and you want to tell her your taken so that you’d feel better about asking her out.
I’m a pretty open minded person, but it just seems super shady what you’re trying to do. Imagine if your wife went to a bookstore with a new guy friend she met who’s now buying her stuff and keeping her company.
I know this is prolly what’s happening, cause dude, I’ve done what you have before, albeit I was the single guy asking the taken girl out it just reaks of that.
But in fairness, ask her out, if she wants to go hang out with you she will hang out with you. If not then who cares. It seems like you’re putting too much of an emphasis on hwo you could succeed to get her out. You’re asking a question a single guy would do, not what a married man. I’m not gonna judge cause I’ve scumbagged other guys before who’s had GF’s but at least be honest in your questions in the forum.
My wife has lunch with other guys at work. And has male friends. Its no big deal.
I’m concerned not about my wife losing her temper but off putting this new woman.
It’s true I’m thinking like someone with a master plan, (and to some extent I do believe planning an outting is something a man SHOULD be responsible or you’ll be blamed if things go wrong ).
Maybe she will turn out to be a bitch or a good friend. Or maybe I’ll get a kiss on the cheek. I don’t know. I think she’s sweet but that’s all in my head.
BTW I have communicated with my wife that I will see other women. I think i mentioned this on the forum before. I just said the buck would end at first base . Wife and I are having trouble but she knows about my wishes and she herself talks to and has lunch and stuff with other guys.
You’re a great guy dude, from what I’ve been reading from your posts, you’re real, have your flaws, have your up times and down times. Don’t walk that path, you’re only placing yourself in harms way.
Ask yourself why you have such an attraction to her, why you crave her company
I would just tell her you’re emotionally seperated from your wife and you two have moved on to talking to other people, only IF the conversations come up, if you already have a green light from her (your wife) then why is there a need to go through this whole dog and pony show. If you like her then ask her out.
If you’re married or in any relationship, it’s best to state it so there’s no misunderstanding of intention. If it’s your intention to “keep her around until you’re not,” you need to get out of your marriage first and take time for yourself. Simple respect. If you buy her things (and you’re not long-time friends, and it’s not mutual gift-giving), you’re dating. Address that you’re attracted to her. Address that there are issues with your marriage, and either resolve them (spice things up) or end them. Total honesty and openness with all involved is the only way to go. You may lose everything, so be honest with yourself first, if it’s worth it.
Well my advice is first not to assume that since she has been friendly with you she wants something more then just friendship. You stated yourself she has seen you with your SO so its obvious your involved. You just may be a safe interesting guy to shoot the shit with.
Guys do this to me all the time. They assume because I think they are attractive or interesting that I want to get horizontal with them or “go out”. Its not the case. Women see married men as safe. A vast majority of them do not want to become involved with married men even if there marriage is not working out. Usually just needy women fall into that.
This is a indication of how you feel around MX297 not how she perceives you. How do you know she wants more from you ? Keep in mind women flirt al the time not just with guys they want more from.
Now I am not opposed to being friends with the opposite sex. My best friend is a male and we hang out. But I am upfront and honest with him and he knows the boundaries and he is up front and honest with me and I know his boundaries. We are both upfront and honest with my husband and his GF and we all know the boundaries. We are all close friends Be upfront and honest.
Keep something else in mind. I am not trying to defend your wife’s actions because I only know what you have conveyed but… The people we work with are people we get to know and see everyday. They become a part of our extended family. I hang out with guys I work with once in a while. Its a far cry from me going out with a person I met socially or the friendly waiter at the outback that chats my head off. There are situations when you meet someone socially you click with that you end up being friends with but your engaging in attraction and your wife is engaging in friendships. I think we both know your true intent or at least what you hope. I think on a deeper level you know its different then what your wife is doing or you wouldn’t feel guilty enough to ask what you should do or how to do it.
One more thing to consider… This girl deserves more then a romantic involvement with someone who is already involved in a relationship. That is just selfish and shitty. You mention she is nice and you like her. My advice… stick to being a friend and let it go at that. Work on your own marriage or end it but dont drag someone else into your problems.
As a guy, when I read P51’s post I said to myself “I was thinking the exact same thing”.
I mean to me, if we scrape away all the excess stuff what we have is.
I’m married.
I’m attracted to this women.
This woman probably already knows I’m married, or at least involved.
I suspect she may be attracted to me.
Should I ask her out as just friends, making sure to mention that I’m married.
Now, if you’re perceptions of her are correct (which you obviously think they are…otherwise they wouldn’t be your perceptions now would they?), then this woman is attracted to you, in spite of seeing you with another woman (she may not know it’s your wife) on multiple occasions.
So, I suspect that in the back of your mind, you figure she already knows or at leasts suspects you’re married and since she’s still showing IOI’s…might not care and would still be down.
Now…I’m not gonna judge, just really be honest with yourself about what you’re expecting and what you’re wanting to happen.
You say your wife has male friends that she goes out/hangs out with. I assume since you know this that she’s open about it and you probably have met the guys she hangs out with. Which is very cool…that sort of open honesty and trust is a very important quality for a relationship to have.
…will she likewise know this woman and that you might be going out/hanging out with her? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably being honest about thinking this attractive woman might make a good friend. If you’d rather not allow your wife the same respect of knowing your opposite sex friends, then call a spade a spade and admit you’re hoping for an extramarital fling.
If you’re lying to yourself, it’s as bad if not worse than lying to your wife, because if deep down you’re hoping to have sex with this woman, and think it has a good chance of happening regardless of her knowledge of your relationship status? Then you’re willingly putting yourself in a situation where infidelity is likely to occur and doing it in a way where after the fact you can try and play innocent because technically you can say to yourself “well she KNEW I was married and she still came onto me, it’s not my fault, she threw herself at me” or whatever.
Now I’m not saying this IS what you have in mind…but based on what you wrote it sounds like it. Now if all you genuinely want is to get to know her as a friend, then I think you should make sure that your wife knows as much about her as you do about her male friends.
Dude, you read like a cheater. No shit. This reads like “help me figure out a way to get her here and I’ll take care of the rest”. You’re having trouble in your marriage? This isn’t going to help. And if that girl has any self respect; she’s gonna crack up at being used to gratify your little fantasy. Not cool. Buying a book? Please. Buying someone something that they like, planning it and taking them out to execute said plan . . . Are you kidding us?
My wife is fine with me kissing other women. We have an open marriage basically.
To tell you the truth I am thinking this out too much. Its just a woman whose attractive, and I’m asking her to go to the bookstore for a coffee and maybe buy a book. Who cares? My wife knows. She doesn’t care even if I kiss her. This girl who I’m talking about may turn out to be a real bitch who knows. Assuming what’s in your head about a woman is what they are really like is just childish. Only time will tell if I’ll even want her around as a friend. I will ask her sometime and if she says no that is fine with me. I’ll still say hi and talk to her from time to time.
As for my wife All she cares is that I am happy in what I do. We’ve been together for 15 years and we both have had multiple partners before marriage. What she does care about is if i LEAVE her for another woman. If I just see another woman she doesn’t give a shit.
Remember folks love , sex, romance, infatuation are all independent things. They can coexist like in marriage, or they can exist in isolation. I may have all the above with my wife, but only romance, infatuation and a little fun with others. This is possible you know. Neither wife or I are religious people.
I really don’t give a fuck , excuse the term, what my wife thinks as she says I can even BUY women things, as long as theres enough in the bank for our good life together.
After you’ve been together for 15 years you start to realize true love is all about communication and I communicate with my wife. I don’t cheat behind her back. and I will never LEAVE her for another one. Though I may have a great time with one.
The question is to what EXTENT do I communicate with someone else? Many women want their fantasies to come true and not all are out for marriage. Just the other day I caught the other girl talking on her cell to some guy. She doesn’t bring him up with me at all. She may be a little tramp for all I know.
Remember this, there are good girls, and there are bad girls, and there are good girls gone bad. Not everyone woman is a saint.
You didnt say you were in a open marriage. Just tell the girl that. She may not be interested but who knows. As long as your upfront.
I have 22 years under my belt this July. It is about communication but there is a lot more to it then that. Its trust, respect, commitment compassion and a slew of other emotions. Just the statement that you dont give a fuck what your wife thinks contridicts your claim to true love.
Open marriage or not you should give a fuck what she thinks and how she feels. If she is ok with it then great thats what the two of you made a commitment to. Then go for it.
True and you can say the same for men but all people should be treated with care, respect, honestly and human kindness. As long as you do that your fine.
I do treat all people with care and kindness. I am never rude to the face, and I generally move slowly with women and have never and never will have a ONS. I don’t like the type of people it attracts nor the type of man it would make me.
I’m looking for mutual romance, fun, passion, and generosity that is short term be it a summer romance or more prolonged but nothing that would take me away from my undivided committment of eternity to my wife as one soul.
I didnt say you didnt treat people that way. However… You should give a fuck what your wife feels and thinks if you claim to have “true love”. Maybe you didnt mean it the way you wrote it but it just doesn’t come across well. Spanks for that one
I am not judging you, you say your marriage is open and thats great. Before you didnt make that clear to us. My advice knowing this now is go for it just be upfront so she (the girl) dosent misunderstand your intentions and gets hurt.
Dude you opened a can of worm. Do what you think his right if it turn’s out wrong well hell your going to have to live with the consecoinces. If it dosent well shit bro your having fun …that got me thinking but… but maybe your wife his also having fun mmmmm… i say use some IJerk that will realy put you in the mood and wash away your worry’s heheheh
In fact when I wear mx297 around her I become full of charm, and couples with some shine I’m able to keep short conversations going. She works weekends and I see her and talk to her a little each week.
…that got me thinking but… but maybe your wife his also having fun mmmmm… i say use some IJerk that will realy put you in the mood and wash away your worry’s heheheh