The Boyfriend Cycle

Lounge
1

Is it true or false that, in a relationship, if you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backward?

My entire romantic life right now seems to be this same excuse, and I’m so tired of it. Honestly, tired. Not tired like, “Wow, that was exhausting, I need a nap.” Tired like, “If I have to have this conversation with a guy one more time I think I may commit myself to a life a celibacy.” (After, of course, I have my fling with Hugh Jackman. I’m not stupid, after all.)

Here’s the cycle you’ve been nawing at your nails for me to finally get to: I meet a guy. We date. We have fun. He wants to get serious. I am scared silly of serious and just want to keep things the way they are. He insists that ‘if you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backward’. I’m still don’t want to get serious. We’re ‘forced’ to break up. I meet a guy. We date . . .

You get the picture.

And here I am again, being asked to take the relationship to another level.

I know, I probably sound like a complete brat. “Oh, he loves me, and I just don’t give a *@#! What do I do?” (followed by batting of big, Bambi eyes.) That’s not how it is. I care about him, I really do! But I can’t do the serious relationship thing right now. I have perfectly good reasons, but for guys, that’s not enough. I always tell them at the beginning of us dating how I feel about getting serious and how not ready I am (and even why!), but it’s like they think that if I date them, they’ll be able to ‘cure’ me of that.

Someday, someday, someday I’ll probably want to get serious, get married and have a basket of kids. But all I want right now is to have fun and enjoy someone else’s company. But how do I not lose him because he’s ready and I’m not? How do I convince him to give me more time and not jump ship just because it didn’t happen as quickly as he thought it would?

Or should I just let him go and keep cycling until I’m ready?

Oh, that makes me sad. But I don’t want him waiting forever—it’s not like he wouldn’t be able to find someone else. And quickly.

Any thoughts? He flew his plane to Vegas to visit his parents for the weekend, so I have time to think about it. (Aha! “Flew his plane” makes it sound like he’s a jetsetter or something. :stuck_out_tongue: No, he’s a pilot and just bought a plane.)

Anyway, there’s my dilema.

sigh

xoxo
jp

2

well from my point of view, I wouldnt want to be with someone who doesnt wanna be serious just cuz once u are in the mindset of its not a “serious” relationship, it becomes much much easier to have a fling with some1 else or something like that. I’m just 16, myself, and i see ure 24, so like i really just wanna have fun at this stage in life, but mayb the men u are dating are the type of people that don’t want to spend their time in a relationship with somebody unless it has the posiblity to go the distance.

3

Yeah. Sorry to say that when you get to be about my age where I live, ‘serious’ usually involves a preacher, a white dress, and a whole lot of commitment.

Maybe I should just move? :smiley:

xoxo
jp

4

Well, JP, I have been married and divorced three times (yes, three)…and I have been “engaged” 5 (if you count the three who actually got me to the altar). But, even with that experience, this is not an easy situation.

On the one hand, I will tell you that you should NOT do it if you have any doubts at all in your mind. I got swept up in that situation THREE times. Each time, I had doubts about whether or not I was ready, but I did it anyway. But, I learned!! The other two who came later, and tried to drag me before the preacher got the brakes put on and things came to a screeching halt when those doubts started popping up. If I do say “I do” again, it will be with the sincere knowledge that I am totally ready, and have no doubts at all about the relationship.

BUT…just because I’m not ready to walk down the aisle right now doesn’t mean that I can’t have a committed, monogamous relationship like what I am in right now. I told my most recent love that I don’t want to talk about the “m” word right now. I just assured him that he is the only man I am seeing, and I am not planning on seeing anyone else. And, that if he is willing to wait, then we’ll see what happens. In all fairness to him, though, I also told him that if he decides that he doesn’t want to wait any longer and I am still not ready, I will let him go. You can’t force someone to be with you, after all. If you can’t be together on terms that both of you are comfortable with, then it will never work. Trust me, I know!

So, I would suggest taking that approach. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you love him and are committed to him (that you’re not going to go out screwing around). Ask him if he’s willing to wait, and tell him that if not, you will be sad, but you’ll have to let him go. See what happens. If he isn’t willing to wait, then he’s probably not the right one, I’m sorry to say…after all, you want to eventually be married to a patient man, don’t you? Marriage, family, all of that takes a LOT of patience…:slight_smile:

Hope this helped…

5

girl - when it gets to that point stop saying you don’t want to commit. Start making wedding plans and tell him all about your cake and your dress and whatnot.

you’ll get the space you need. Guys are kinda backwards that way. If you say you want space, and you aren’t interested in a commitment, they will do everything to convince you you do. But this same guy with another girl who pushges commitment first, would be running in the opposite direction.

6

It’s not true - just a passive-aggressive sales pitch to try to sway you into committment (on their terms).

As for what to do about it…I totally agree with Dolly. That’s the best you can do. Don’t be intimidated into something you’re not ready for just because someone whipped a secondhand Tony Robbins line on you.

7

With all due respect, I don’t think this would be a good idea if she is not ready for marriage. Not all men are like that. I have known a LOT of them who, if they get one inkling that you are willing, they will run with it…I have been there 5 times…I had to call the last 2 off myself.

So, while some men are indeed backward, not all are…at least not the majority of the ones I have known.

8

I was actually being somewhat facetious.

I do believe that the attraction these guys are feeling for her is amplified by her unavailability tho.

9

Aaaaargh… having grown up in a part of the country where football, religion, gossip, envy, and social expectations all held sway, I freakin’ HAD to escape that situation or go stark raving mad… once tunneled out and taking a long look back through my time-telescope, I still cannot believe the percentage of free will-personal choice (so called) interactions, most particularly of the dating, relating, hook up, get married, have a buncha kids, get sick and tired of your boxed in life, start drinking and chronic complaining hillbilly, oilfield roughnecks, or rich crazed dudes with even more crazed substance abusing kids but we make it to church like clockwork situation… sheeeeeyoooowwwww… passing yourself off as normal, acceptable, part of the crowd was like a full time occupation, 24/7 tighten the screws on your already tense face and play the game and guzzle the Maalox existence… sweetie, there’s a time to take a good look at the big picture and if circumstances warrant, bail out…

10

you can be moving forward on your own path … moving forward doesn’t take only one form (engagement, marriage etc)

you can spare yourself the conversation … if you warn them upfront, all you have to do is remind them of it if they bring it up again, and if they can’t drop the subject, then sayonara sweetie.

how long do each of these relationships last? are they going there after only a few months? (like, less than 6 months?) There is no earthly reason to consider marrying someone you haven’t been with for a good long time (I’m in my 2nd marriage with several years of living together first both times, and even without rushing things, marriage is tough).

If he’s ready and you’re not, you need to lose him. Don’t be swayed by any arguments … if your clock isn’t ticking, don’t let anybody rush you. Sounds to me like you know exactly what you need right now, and so (maybe) does he.

11

You guys are right, of course.

It’s just so frustrating. But I am letting stupid things get to me.

The bf comes home tomorrow afternoon. Guess we’ll talk then—I’ll let you guys know.

xoxo
jp

12

The questions I have are what do they consider as “moving forward”? and what do you consider as “serious”?

Is “moving forward” more sexual involvement/exclusivity or “total commitment” as in “wedding?”

Same goes for term “serious.”

I was stupid once to. Saw “marriage” (as used to mean legal contract) as the thing to do. Fortunately I wised up. Still single.

Now have learned that term “marriage” means something other than “wed”.

“Marriage” (spiritual/emotional) needs to happen BEFORE “wedding” (legal contract).

I beleive it’s possible to love more than one person at a time. Strongly. I can be “married” to more than one at the same time. Connected.

Being “wed” is something different.

But that’s just me.

13

Where are you from, jp?
Just curious..

14

lol sounds like texas :slight_smile:

15

The guy may feel that you like him enough to go out, but that YOU think he is not good enough for you, then he’ll start trying to prove to you he is

16

sighs (I was taught in Latin I that it’s appropriate to sigh when in the presence of a lovely woman. Why? “Y” not?)

All right, this is one of those classical "every mental model is /a/ incomplete, /b/ distorted, /c/improperly generalized. It’s the nature of our (conscious, unconscious) modeling of the world and of our experience that no matter how much we try, no matter how sincere we are, we always get it a little bit wrong.

So, I wonder what might happen if, when asked to take the relationship to the next level, you just immediately say “yes.” Or, you might even say “What makes you think it hasn’t been at the next level for a while?”

And I say that to highlight the point that “the next level” is very vague and general, and so I would immediately agree to “the next level” with someone that I was pleased to be with. Because “the next level” doesn’t mean anything, or more properly, it means anything you want it to.

You can be a … jerk cough and not bother to let the other person know that you consider “the next level” to be meaning-free, an unbound variable. But I think it would be kind to check in and ask “What does that mean to you, to take it to the next level? How will you know that it’s at the next level?”

Then, when someone says “You cook me dinner every night and laugh at all my jokes” you can decide if you’ll tolerate that for a while. Or, if that someone says “You become my property and love only me”, or “You answer my phone calls and texts and don’t screen my voice mails,” or “You are honest with me, especially if something changes in our relationship.”

Or whatever. Make the person SAY IT OUT LOUD, no hedging or “y’know what I mean!”

My point is that, as a vague cluster “the next level” is threatening, and it may not need to be so. Individually, the changes might all be very tolerable, or even pleasant.

Yet, still. I would not take, nor allow a significant other to take, some ill-defined social assumption as the basis for our friendship or romance.

And, still. At the end, I’d say stick to your druthers. If you want friendship and not romance from someone, then so be it. You can tell them you’re probably going there someday, and they’re welcome to be friends until you do … you’ll regret it if they move on because you enjoy … etc.

Cheers,
Mark

PS: You do have a lovely mind, JP, I think that’s pretty easy to pick up on … so, sigh, you’re just condemned to the fate of all beautiful maidens: male attentions, more or less sophisticated, as the case may be … And most of us just happen to be possessive bastards – because that’s the prevailing “farmer” mythology we live within: “Mine! Mine! Mine!”