I’ve been wondering about something in terms of myself for a couple months now. I’ve been more pessimistic than optimistic pretty much all my life unless I’m trying to soothe or placate others. I’ve gotten into this cycle where I don’t believe I deserve anything good much less be happy in any facet. I feel helpless as I see my life as a string of bad happenings that I try to shrug off as much as possible to survive. I take responsibility for a percentage of my misfortune and I realize that my attitude isn’t conducive to things improving.
Being well perceived by others has always been important to me at the core as its one of the biggest reasons why my self esteem isn’t good. I’ve always been perceived as socially awkward, weird, off, eccentric, weak, sensitive, serious, boring. To be totally honest and upfront with myself and anyone willing to read this the last 3 are very if not completely true although “boring” is more of a perception of sorts.
Up until now I’ve struggled socially. I barely got by in middle school and high school and through both stages in my life I experienced bullying of some kind. I was one of those not shy but reserved hyper sensitive types that honestly noone would miss if I was gone. Even now I know for myself that I dont really fit anywhere in the world with very few people actually like my off beat personality. My hearing problems and my tinnitus have only turned me more into a recluse than before.
I like pheromones because I can actually masquerade to a good degree as the person I wish I was and have the personality that I’ll never truly have. My mom always tells me that when I was little I always told her I didnt want to be a loser. Looking at all aspects and areas of my life I am a loser unfortunately. I say this with all the perception in the world that I don’t think theres one person here on the whole forum thats on a lower rung than myself. My relations with men is bad. My relations with women could honestly make me cry on any given day whether its about friendship/ love/ or otherwise. My grades make me wonder why I even stay in school. My job is a joke or at this point lack thereof. My relationship with my family is so atrocious when I go visit I rather not visit than have to do constant damage control. I only have my mom and God knows personally that if I wasn’t her son she would have a hatred for me bigger than the Sun for all the bitching and complaining and yelling at her I’ve done over the years.
I have this contrived notion that if I “fix” myself all areas of my life would improve considerably. I have this idea that once I’ve redeemed myself in school and get a decent job that I can somehow transform my demeanor and personality.
A psychologist could help me see myself better but it won’t change the way people perceive me because even though my body language is much more positive and I smile a lot more nowadays its not going to change how I socialize with people. I realize now that my own confidence stems from being comfortable with people. I used to think it was the other way around but theres a big difference between the two.
I always feel like my life is out to get me. Heres what happened tonight. My Camera class started today and 6 pm so I took a quick shower and used a very subtle mix I’ve been playing with (Nothing really attention grabbing or comforting or sexual or even respect getting. Sounds like I’m wearing nothing 
) I get to the high school in downtown and I park. I don’t wanna offend anyone but as this school was primarily composed of black students I was a little scared of the setting. Don’t get me wrong I prefer conversing with black people over other ethnics most of the time but when the whole vicinity is comprised of anything but all caucasians primarily it throws me for a loop.
Anyway I walk around the campus and somehow I end up walking into this Lady and a police officer who goes on to say that “oh he has a camera too” so I proceed to follow them and she tells me that she went to the classroom but the teacher isnt there yet. We go inside the admin building and they also tell us hes not there yet but we can go and wait by the classroom. I spotted this caucasian chick but proceeded to talk to the older lady as we left. We went back and oddly enough someone came up behind us and it was the same girl that I saw in the admin office. She said that she was in this photography class as well. I talked with the younger girl for a little bit about the location and the day and what not and then we sat with the other lady.
I call the girl M and the lady B. The teacher came a bit later after we all chatted with each other for a bit. He introduced himself and we talked about settings for cameras for the next 15-30 minutes. I looked like a real idiot after I told the teacher that I had read about the settings and then he wanted me to try and explain and I kind of stammered and went blank although M found that amusing and laughed a little bit. Seeing as I couldnt answer he gave M the question then B then gave another one to me later on. Through this whole short lecture I kept glancing over at the girl for some reason. I’m awful at reading body language of women but I know the basics well enough.
Thinking back on it she had her whole body facing towards me even though it only seemed logical that she would face forward to listen to the teacher as these were open seats not high school desks. Right leg crossed over her left leg with her toe pointed at me and she even dangled her foot and sandal in my direction at one point. She was more subtle about it but she was always adjusting and touching her hair. It wasn’t the sort of hair play that made me think mones were a catalyst. It was more natural although so darn frequent though. I didn’t pay it any mind, a lot of girls do those things and there not always showing interest or just being a little flirty.
We went outside and took pictures for the next few hours. The teacher who was a dude spent most of the time teaching M and secondly B teaching me the least of all of them which was okay as M had a lot of questions and B seemed confused much of the time. By all means I’m a hopeless romantic that shows interest in women by being inquisitive about a women I may have interest in and acting pleasant around them. Flirting for me outside of sharing looks and smiles is a rarity, I’m scared to death of touching people even my mother and close friends so kinoing a girl is not something I do too often because I always feel like its a women’s space and I shouldnt touch her. Getting back to the story I did my own thing. I didn’t try to bother M at all although I know the old high school/early college version of me would be orbiting around. We all did are own thing and I spent more time talking to B because I’m comfortable around older people and I dont mind. M got the most praise but deservedly so for the clever pictures she took. We took many different aspect of pictures in a beginner style just seeking out whatever we could shadow/flower/water/ light and otherwise. M didn’t try to follow me or talk to me during the time we were outside but we shared smiles here and there and she continued to play with her hair a lot which seemed more like a normal thing she did as time went on. She also had this habit of touching her face and touching her nose and such but thats just another observation. I noticed her fix her clothes on several occasions.
When we went back inside and the teacher talked to us a little bit more telling us how he liked what he saw and that we have great chemistry as a class even though it seems our class is going to be dissolved as we need 2 more people or else we have to go to other classes. The biggest hit of the night was during this time as M was fixing her clothing around her cleavage area. Maybe its just me but it seemed like she was trying to draw attention to her boobs and she got my attention as I took a long gaze at her when she did that. I looked away just in time as she looked my way and I know she could see me gazing at her out of the corner of her eye. She continued to have her leg crossed over the other in my direction by during the end I could tell she was bored cupping her jaw/ chin with her hand while B and the teacher were talking. Perhaps she was tired but i dunno if that body language had anything to do with me.
Class ended and we left and M held the door for me and we walked together. She asked me a question or two about myself and I asked her a few of my own mainly in reciprocation. I was pretty clumsy when it came to talking to her but at least she didn’t dismiss me completely like some women do. B came up behind us toward the end of our conversation and she poked a few questions herself. We said are good byes and I went home where I am now. All I can say is that she has me attracted to her now and I’m actually very unhappy about it. She seems like a girl that would enjoy my company and wouldn’t mind my quirks and awkwardness. What am I saying though my useless romantic side is the only one who believes this nonsense.
After this long drawn out mess I’m asking everyone do you think you need to be the best version of yourself to be approaching the opposite sex with the hopes of intimate relations? Or do you think you can pull it off with less than that? I ask because I know how I’ll approach this. I know how I’ll fail. And I know how hard it will be to go to class once I try to initiate anything with her only to be rejected or I reject myself while she rejects me. Its not about the rejection b/c the last time a girl turned me down I actually took it very well. It still disturbs my peace of mind and thats why I’m worried.
I know I’m crazy but I was thinking hopefully I ruined it already or maybe I should act more aloof and callous until she loses interest in me. What I’m saying here is I lose my peace of mind once I get interested in a girl. It doesnt take me much to get interested and honestly with her its more about my first impression of her personality because her body is regular for the most part and I like that I like her for her face/personality than with some of the girls that my mind boggles over their other assets and nothing else. Shes older than me which I actually like and shes a therapist. I think I’m playing with full on fire either way because the way I am I dont think this older girl (26-31 ish and I’m 23) is gonna find me suitable and her therapist intuition is gonna make her realize how messed up I am.
I saw a movie this morning called “Loving Jezebel” with a romantic guy as the protagonist that is quite a bit like me although he has lot more game that I do and he has a slew of friends and he gets laid every now and then. At the end he ends up getting entangled with this white girl and in one scene she finally opens up subtlety asking what he sees in those other girls and that she could do a decent english accent herself. He spent the time sweet talking her telling her shes better than his friends and even more emphasized shes better than himself. He tells her then that he wants her to have a real life. Then she asks him if he wants a real life and he replies yes. Theres a lot more to that but I dont have the time to type it out and its only a movie anyway. Later on goes into the night at the diner and he continues to tell her that everything he touches turns to soggy oatmeal and that she should get away from him. Then 2 minutes later he asks her why shes still there. She only puts her head down looking up at him playfully but even more adoringly and even with all that negativity he tried to push her away with she still wanted him and they shared a passionate kiss with each other. This movie made me feel so lonely and love sick this morning. I know its just a movie and that it only serves the purpose of setting me up for failure but this girl in class reminded me of the caucasian girl in the movie.
I was banking on having my camera class being composed of all men or at least all older people 35-40+ age. I’m not fishing for encouragement, criticism, or a how to but your welcome to share those. I feel like my 2-3 months of honing my lone wolf self reliant image is just shattered by of all things a white girl and I’m not usually attracted to white girls I come across. I just wanna save myself and dodge the bullet. I’m warmhearted, emphatic, creative, and I have a smile I know lots of women fall for. I personally dont think thats enough good qualities to approach this girl but honestly I’m sick and tired of my life throwing these hindrances in the form of women to cut me down only for me to have to recover again. For me to spend 2 hours writing this about this girl and myself only shows the can of worms that this girl has released within me.
