Things are getting complicated. This girl I tried to get to dance with me a couple times at the club when she was the only game there must have set me on the back burner until recently. She is starting to call me up to come do things. One of my male friends really likes her, and I’ve been trying to set them up and it’s like she wants me all the more or something. Been letting him use mones and explaining about them, hoping he can get some confidence and get a little bolder. He’s really shy, and that’s not something she goes for.
When I hit the club on Saturday night, one of my friends already there pulls me aside and has me take a seat. He tells me that the second I came in my ex cleared out of there -quick- (not really, she was using the restroom or something.) A guy walked up to the table at that moment (someone I seen my ex dancing with a couple times) and my friend tells me I should talk with her because she’s single now (I didn’t even know she was taken, she’d promised I would be the first to know if she got with someone) and that this is her ex. This comes a day after my friend was telling me that I’m the only real competition he has there, that he’s told all the time by girls how hot I am and all that… So it might be that he’s trying to eliminate his competition… Then my ex came out and we seen eachother pretty much at the same time.
My friend was trying that whole night to get her to come talk to me. I had to go for a drive to clear my head, my emotions were kind of raw about having the possibility of her getting back with me through my friend (after having come to the conclusion months ago that it wasn’t going to happen and I should move on.) Hmm. Lol! My emotions were raw - that’s a mild way to put that I was bawling my eyes out driving recklessly along an icy river road at well over ninety miles an hour. But it seemed to do the trick. Got back to the club, rejoined my friends and was able to smile instead of scowl. When I was dancing I caught a glimpse of her sitting at a table. She had this intense look of anger (the kind that seemed to shout that she wanted to throw something at me) and I wasn’t even dancing with another girl, just smiling and having fun. Then the next time I looked over she had another girl on her lap and they were all at it, making out. Yeah - pretty sure that was to try to get to me (considering all the years we were together she told me that was yuck when I’d mention I thought it was hot for two girls to kiss.)
When the club was closing down for the night my friend finally convinced her to come and talk with me. My ex touched my arm and said hi/bye then took off over to the bar. My friend was trying to convince her to come to an after club parti, he’d already invited me. She didn’t come… At the party was her ex and a girl my ex works with. Somehow it happened that they both came back to the place I was staying. Her ex was really quiet there. Her coworker was telling my friends (when I took off outside for a while) about my ex and some things she had been saying about me. The unflattering, marginally true kind of things that can be so very one-sided. You know the type.
Then the next day I seen my ex at her work and for the first time in months she actually smiled, waved and greeted me. That was such a change up from what I had been used to, normally she looks down or away and tries to ignore me. It made me smile inside. She wanted to borrow the car the day after that, I agreed. But when I was dropping it off the next day and was waiting around to give her the keys she seen me and told me I could have just left the keys, she didn’t want to talk with me. That was really fucked up.
That same day, the friend that was trying to hook us back up took me out hiking. He was explaining how my ex wants to get back with me sometimes, and at other times she doesn’t. That she still has a lot of feelings for me. More of that bipolar stuff from earlier in this journal? No. I hear from a lot of women how girls are like that. They get conflicted about what they really want.
Later that night that same friend invited me over because he was having a few girls over and they were holding a sexy photoshoot at his place. I thought he was joking, and joked along. But when I got over there I guess that girl that my friend likes was dressing up in some semi-provocative outfits and having one of her girl friends snapping shots of it. Later, after it was all said and done, me and the friends I was staying with the previous night invited her over to their place so we could photoshop her pics and upload them to her email for her. It was hours before it was all said and done… During which I had even managed to finish a P90X workout (not without an audience either I might add.) After I took her home, my friends were all like, “Why didn’t you tell her that those pix were no good and that she should let us take better ones?” I thought they were joking, but I guess they were pretty serious about it. They were sure I would have been able to do it, I’m fairly sure too, but they should have told me before I took her home. How was I to know what they were thinking? Besides, I was trying to get my other friend to be more outgoing and engage her in conversation. The one that likes her a lot.
Yesterday I finally got ahold of my sister whom had helped me tremendously throughout this whole divorce thing. Once again she helped me to get my head on straight rather than being so conflicted myself about my ex. That’s not to say I’m not still conflicted, just that I am much less so. What happened to that guy I was around my birthday? The guy who took off to Las Vegas and had such a great, wild time with all those friends of his… Argh! First the holidays, then this. I still have a lot of feelings towards that woman and it’s so unfair. If nothing else, I’d like to be on talking terms. I’d really like to be friends - she was a huge part of my life for so long. The emptiness she left there is like a huge cavity of loneliness and hurt where happiness used to abound. It’s been more than half a year already. I was doing so great until the holidays hit, and all this of course.
Last night the girl that seems to like me, that my friend likes, called me up and invited me and my friend over to have some dinner. She felt bad because we had made dinner for her the night before and when we brought it over she was having a bit of drama with her roomie and told us it was a bad time and that she was so sorry. It was an alright night, and the food was great. But again, my friend got really shy and reserved. And the girl was throwing me all kinds of glances and flirting despite my going pheroless and having him use that mystery mix that seemed to be working for me quite well. That’s not to say she didn’t engage him in conversation a couple times, and give some indicators of interest. He still has a long way to go. Apparently I have a lot more coaching to do.
