When I was 20 I had a bf that cheated on me after 2 years with someone who was a mutual acquaintance. It was terribly devastating for me and, while we tried to work it out, I simply couldn’t get past it and our relationship ended 6 months later. As I reentered the dating game I met lots of new guys, many who were nice, but not what I was looking for. I began to get lonely. To make matters worse, the ex bf had begun proposing and saying the usual, ‘I’ll do anything if you come back’. You get the picture… I never went back but I was very tempted. I remember having the thoughts, “I’d never have known he cheated if he hadn’t told me” and “I wonder if it really matters that they cheat… providing it’s occassional and it doesn’t effect the relationship you have”.
Many of you know that I’ve got a great relationship now with someone that I love very much. But I think about those questions from time to time. As wonderful as he is, what would I do if I found out he was cheating? Would I leave him, even though he’s so good to me in every possible way?
I’d like to get your opinions. If you’re in a relationship with someone you love with all your heart and find out they’ve had an indiscretion, would you leave them, no matter what? Would you consider an open relationship? Are any of you in one? If so, what are your feelings regarding your arrangement?
I was married twice, both wives cheated and both left me for the other guys. I actually took the first one back 1 week before the divorce would have been final, then ended leaving her 5 months later, cause I think she had started screwing around again. When the second wife left, I packed up and moved from California to Texas 2 weeks after we split up, just to make sure that it was going to stay over.
I think that if 2 people are in a committed relationship and one strays, it shows that there was something missing to begin with, and a complete lack of respect for the other partner.
I have never cheated on anyone I’ve been with. First, because I had no desire to do so, and second, out of respect. The one time I found myself wanting to be with somebody else, I ended the relationship that I was in first.
I wonder… do girls feel emotional fidelity is more important than sexual fidelity, and do boys feel sexual fidelity is more important than do boys. Maybe a double standard isn’t so double.
I would have to say yes it matters, at least to me.
To be honest I would like to say yes I would leave him but it would depend on the situation. I got kids to think about. If it was just us I would kick his ass to the curb.
Good question and one I face alot frankly. One of my best friends is a male and we do have a very strong emotional connection. My husband is aware of this and he is friends with him to. I would never cheat on my husband with my friend and my husband dosnt mind the emotional connection we have because he knows my connection to him is stronger. I do set personal boundries out of respect for my husband anyway. I dont go out alone with my friend (we travel in a packs LOL) or ever have him in the house unless my husband is home.
On the other hand I dont know if I would be able to handle my husband having the same kind of relationship with another women. I know sounds unfair and selfish. Hey Im not perfect LOL I suppose if I knew her and my husband set those same personal boundries I would be able to deal with it though.
I do know if my husband had a sexual affair of the “heart” in which he saw a women on a regular basis it would hurt more then if he just screwed up and had a one night stand.
Sounds like both parties have a biological interest in the OTHER party being faithful!
That about sums it up I think. Sure, I’d love to be able to be with whomever as long as my honey is faithfully waiting at home! Doesn’t usually work that way though, does it.
Some people say that monogamy isn’t natural. For some it comes naturally, for others not so much (particularly once you’ve been together a long time). Even if monogamy’s unnatural for both of you, it is SO much work being nonmonogamous (I’ve tried this with a couple of partners) that I’m inclined to say it’s not worth it for me.
To answer PQ, yes, emotional fidelity is more important to me than sexual, and a one-night stand need not upset your whole life, but a love affair probably would. Infections and pregnancy - neither of which are entirely in anyone’s control - complicate matters further.
True, to an extent. Each has an interest in faithfulness, but of a different type.
A woman’s emotionless one-night stand can result in pregnancy and is thus against her male partner’s interest. A woman might tend to find it less threatening if her male partner had a one-night stand.
A man’s emotional affair is threatening to his female partner, because it means her partner might leave. A man might find his partner’s emotional affair less threatening.
There are also reproductive strategies for both sexes that rely on being unfaithful. There is biological evidence that humans are not strictly monogomous. I’ve written a little about it here:
I’m in favor of people not making assumptions … or to be fair, conclusions … about how relationships ~should~ be structured.
What if each person in a relationship was able to speak openly and clearly about what they hoped for? Not every relationship is about raising children or even about “making a home.”
A great friendship can be based on the mutual pursuit of a sport like tennis. No inherent drive to buy a lot and build a little tennis court of their own is required. The same is true for other forms of exercise which involve even less clothing.
I find “Couplism” to be unnecessarily limiting, a kind of secular religion. Perhaps I’m going to die bitter and lonely … that’s the fear that fuels couplism, isn’t it? I can imagine finding someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with – I’ve done it once – but I honestly don’t expect it to happen.
And if you have a relationship that you ~intend~ to be lifelong, the facts suggest that less than half of us are successful at sustaining our intentions that long. So don’t beat yourself up too badly.
But cheating … I guess I expect honesty. Exclusivity, perhaps not, but honesty, yes.
And, since this is a thread about cheating, I should have mentioned this in my first post, but forgot. Several years ago I got the idea that it would be cool to have a website where cheaters could be posted. Kind of like a dating site, but in reverse.
This has just been a pet project for me, but I built a website where people can post pictures and stories about cheating ex’es, and I registered my domain name before DontDateHimGirl.com - Empowered & Informed Dating came out, but they had their site live 2 months before I finished mine, and they got all the glory.
Well, you got a lot of great counsel here Sheba. I am not sure that I can add anything else that would benefit you except maybe I believe it is the fortunate few that survives a calamity like this. I think one of the problems with staying together would be the trust issue and it would affect you as much as him, even though he was the one cheating. He would or could find it difficult for you to have male friends due to his own indiscretions. That would be a tough one, I think, as we are creatures of habit and very social in nature. Anyway, great post and thanks to everyone else who posted as I am encouraged myself by the words written. Have a great new year.–wt
Through experience, if a partner is straying, there is most likely something wrong in BOTH partners, not just the one straying. It’s all about needs, and being able to fulfill them for each other, be it sex, communication, activity partner, etc. If a basic need of a partner isn’t being met, or addressed reasonably, the partner not getting their needs met may have strong temptations to stray, and when an opportunity presents itself with a person willingly or possibly unknowingly meeting the needs, even the person with the strongest will can fall victim.
If the father becomes known, as is more likely to happen with modern paternatity tests, that is when the trumping mentioned is most strongly valid. Centuries ago, fathers could not easily be “proven.” The doubt all rested on the pregnant woman. We’re having a hard time losing this remnant.
well I’m going to write this and whoever decides after reading it that i am a total nut case - well maybe i am.
let’s see i spent 3 yrs with a man i loved to absolute pieces oh wait i forgot he was married and has 2 kids. and he wasn’t the first but yes the last married, engaged, in a relationship - relationship i had
my heart broke and the suicidal thoughts crept up and i just couldn’t take it anymore. the funny thing is that he didn’t leave me he actually left his wife and not because of me, he just left her and also had a few other little lovers on the side.
now i know you are probably wondering what the point is - here goes when i was young i always thought (just like all other little girls) i was gonna grow up meet mister right get married and have lot’s of babies - no shit that’s probably the biggest mistake we all make in believing that it’s that easy.
i did however always say that i would never stand for any man to hit me its-macho-stand-up-women read this thread and you’ll see what became of that. i also said that i would never stand for a man to cheat on me and i ended up being the lover so many times over that it’s shameful.
now that i have grown up a little more and also moved countries (btw I’m South African but have been living in Greece for 8 yrs now -so i grew up on the conservative side of things) i have learnt an important lesson, being as the Greeks and most Mediterranean’s would tell it, there is no such thing as a monogamous man (here at least) so i decided one day that if i had to be in a serious relationship or married and my man had to cheat - well you know what honey go for it just don’t let me find out and if i do may God help you if you lie to me. to me it would be better if caught to tell me the truth rather than lie and then i can see what i want to do about it.
would i really want to let something good go to hell because he had to get a piece of ass no because in the end i know that he’s coming home and that is with me.
it might sound stupid or harsh what im saying but i had to learn to deal with these things here and trust me when i tell you that out of all the people i know here there are 3 men that i know that do not cheat on their wifes the rest of them (let me just say there is proof) i live on an island btw so we all know whats happening where.
i had this conversation with my guy one day and strangely he’s the one that told me that all guys cheat at one point or another, it’s in their nature and there is not much we can do about it - think about it, this has been happening since forever do you really think it’s gonna change - no.
the only option we have is to when and if it happens take stock and see if you can work through it.
oh before i forget just so the boys don’t get all pissed off at me, the girls here do the same thing so no I’m not knocking you guys us girls are just as bad sometimes if not worse i mean really i was a girlfriend on more than one occasion.
Doesn’t usually work that way though, does it.