The Past - Life before pheromones…
Disclaimer: This entry has nothing to do with pheromones… sorry!
What is Love? Baby, Don’t Hurt Me…
Jay and I met 5 years ago at a different gym I worked at. He was a member who I had a secret crush on, and I was “the girl at the front desk” who he had a secret crush on. I remember the day he approached me and asked me to go out on a date, I was so incredibly ecstatic! We were a solid couple for a while before it became unstable and rocky. We broke up many times but shortly reconciled. I find when he becomes arrogant and cocky, he brings me down. There seems to be lack of respect on his part, so naturally it is a downward spiral between the both of us. He also gets bored very easily. When my affection is not reciprocated, I also “get bored very easily”. Communication doesn’t always work for us. Last year after being apart for 4 months we reunited as a couple again. He and his daughter were planning a trip to the Caribbean and thought it would be a wonderful bonding experience if we all went. That could not be further from the truth after repeatedly getting unnecessary attitude from his daughter, then aloofness mixed with arrogance overcame Jay’s persona. I know I’m not perfect, but I really tried. I went out of my comfort zone when things were awkward and tense and I tried my best to mend it, but instead I was shot down. By the last day of our vacation, I almost felt like breaking up with him on the beach! Upon returning home I felt sad, hurt, confused, angry and insecure. I was in relationship purgatory.
Can’t Find a Better Man
A week later, someone online expressed interest in me. I knew of him, but never actually met him face-to-face. Matt was from my hometown and dated a friend in mine in high school. He messaged me and sent out a friend request. It was purely innocent… but little did I know that he was going to play a huge part in our breakup. As it was no secret that I was in a long term relationship with Jay, Matt persistently messaged me and showered me with compliments. My self-esteem was being nurtured by another man, yet I was not attracted to him. I never lead him on, but I certainly didn’t stop him. He requested to be friends with my family members as well, and they accepted after hearing his plea. They disliked Jay so much that they were persuading me to give Matt a chance. I was so confused. Flowers were being sent to my house, phone calls, emails and text messages proclaiming his desire to “sweep me off my feet and to be loved like crazy”. On the other end, Jay and I were still going through our rocky relationship. My mother (who is my best friend in life) cried and begged me not to make a mistake. She wanted me to leave Jay. I felt I had to break up with him for once and for all. I was feeling the pressure from everyone…even my co-workers.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
I bit the bullet, more like drank a few glasses of liquid courage and broke up with him over the phone. I am ashamed to admit it, but I knew upon seeing his face, I wouldn’t follow through. And if that wasn’t cowardly enough, I didn’t give him the real reason why I was breaking up with him. I gave him the generic “It’s not working out.” Afterwards, I felt some relief and believed I did the right thing… that is until the alcohol wore off. The next day, Jay requested we do an exchange of our things at his house. Matt knew I was doing this and felt so nervous about it, he booked a flight to visit me the following week. Obviously, by this time I had to tell Jay everything. I never cheated on Jay, and truthfully I was not attracted to Matt in that way, but things were happening so ridiculously fast I couldn’t catch up to what I was supposed to feel! The minute I’d seen Jay, I crumbled. I cried and poured out the truth. I held on to him and did not want to let go. I was a complete mess when I drove back home.
Virtual Insanity
I never met Matt. He saw pictures of me on my best friend’s Facebook page. I was so distraught over losing Jay, I had to fake the excitement of Matt coming here to visit me. I sealed my fate, right? Everything happens for a reason. Uh-huh. It wasn’t long before I received an email from Jay. It was several paragraphs long outlining why I am making a mistake. I promised I would be honest to Matt and Jay about my situation. Matt was flying here in less than a week, Jay was a wreck without me. I loved Jay, and never met Matt before. What do I do? Well, I’ll tell you who I chose… the man I was with for 5 years through thick and thin. (Even though there was definitely more “thin” in our relationship.) I broke Matt’s heart when I told him. I disappointed my family and coworkers when I told them. It didn’t matter to me. I held Jay’s face and looked him in the eyes, “We are in this together and we can’t let anyone else influence our lives.” Perhaps I failed to practice what I preached.
This is the end, my only friend the end…
Who is right and who is wrong? Neither… we both hurt each other. Except I was affected the most. After our vows and commitment to improve our relationship, it was merely days later when Jay made me cry. For one, he renagged and relaxed his initial promises. Moving in together was not going to happen for a couple years and perhaps engagement a year after moving in, then marriage a maybe a year later…and children? Completely out of the question! 4 more years? We’ve been together for over 4 years already! I would be 35 by the time we get married and I met him at age 26! I ranted to my Mom and she ranted to the rest of the family. Jay and I were clearly not progressing forward. He wasn’t taking it seriously, so why should I? Mom and I decided to plan a trip to visit my brother back in my hometown. I wasn’t going to see Matt, I was going to see my brother and my best friend. However, the plane ticket was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When Jay called me over, nothing seemed too out of the ordinary. He told me our counselling package arrived and to have a couple drinks that evening. He sent me off to the store for mix and when I came back his hands were wringing nervously. “I think we need to talk about your upcoming trip.” That is how it began, but how it ended was me with eyes flooded full of tears pleading him to not break up with me. I said I wouldn’t go, but he was adamant it was over. I somehow drove home while hyperventilating, crying, gagging and screaming like a lunatic. I couldn’t care less if a log truck crashed into me.
It’s Always Darkest Before Dawn
May 4th was the day he broke up with me. I hit rock bottom, lower than I’ve ever been before and it was absolutely pure hell. My daily activities became drinking, binging, crying and sleeping. I was a zombie version of myself at work. I brought everyone down. I tried to hide my sorrows behind thick makeup and baggy clothes, but I didn’t fool anyone. Especially, when I would breakdown and cry at work. I drank one night and took more than the usual dosage of sleeping pills. Where was my mind? I phoned him, sent him emails, wrote letters to him, made a DVD compliation of us, did everything in my power to win him back, but there was no use. I played a part in a commercial shortly after the breakup and I still cringe when I see it played on TV. Mom and I ended up going to the city where I lived for 24 years, hung out with my brother and even went out with my best friend. I didn’t see or hear from Matt once. Upon my return, my persistence did not stop with Jay. I was now on speaking terms with him and he led me on to believe we would get back together. I guess he meant us secretly sleeping together while he openly sleeps with the other women he scavenged on a dating website. That was my pathetic status. After all I’ve done for him; to him I was just another hole.
My ex gave me a hickey last night! I also discovered that my face is a much different shade than my neck, bad coverup job. Yeah, so that’s proof right there!
Anyway, moving on to the afternoon:
Okay so here is on my list.
