I figured so much. Thing is, I could just as easily as the girl that I like to go out tonight (like, in literally an hour), but this whole “I’m taking a step back” thing, I don’t know if it’s even right. She still goes out to parties, and I don’t know her true intentions. Maybe I should just stay in tonight then? Ask her tomorrow night?
Going out to parties and seeing others is two different things. She still has a life, and so should you. I am not saying run out and date other women. Women want to think they could be your world, without truly being your world.
SillyKitty I think is spot on. I go back and analyze situations where this girl, or that girl said this or that and I realize now they were tests. They weren’t really telling me to go away, because that would have confirmed their concern that I couldn’t be trusted to be there when they needed strength.
I didn’t act all stalkerish and hover around, but I let her come to me, slowly. I made sure she knew I was open to her approaching, even though my ego wanted to deny her and let her see how it felt to be pushed away.
Went through something the other day where she said something and I just asked her outright if she was pushing me away again, I told her there was no need, I was going to give her all the time she needed, I wasn’t going anywhere. Next day she was fine again. Trust really is a hard thing to build up, and so easy to destroy.
[quote=“Sillykitty, post:20, topic:42156”]
Eeeep! Might be a bad mistake. 
“Haven’t you learned that about us yet, lol? For example, if we run away all mad or upset, you’re supposed to come after us, we don’t really want to get away from you, but we do need to know that you care about us enough to come after us to comfort us or calm us down. I think that instinctively shows that you are a man who can be counted on, which is one of the most important things women are looking for in a mate.”
[quote]
Silly Kitty, has stated it beatifully. Take it to the bank.
If you feel that you need to see other women, then your intentions are not true enough anyway, so you might as well give it up and leave her for someone whose intentions are. She’s already been with one guy who didn’t know what he wanted, don’t make her go through it again.
I called it off. Didn’t go with the girl. Conscience wouldn’t allow me too, and it’s one of the main reasons why she likes me, because she said I’m the “only guy she knows with a good conscience and good intentions.”
I just don’t know how long to wait, when I can visit her, if I can ask her to go here or there with me or not. That’s my main issue right now. I would love to invite her to the club tomorrow night (where we had our first “date” if you could call it that), but I don’t know if that’s considered “not giving her space.”
Will she come to me? When she wants to see me, will she tell me, or is it up to me to find things to do with her?
Good job! I had a feeling you’d do the right thing! 
Go ahead and ask her out to the club for tomorrow night (although it is a bit last minute so don’t feel bad if she says no). If she says no, just smile warmly and maybe ask her what other night is good for her, and set a date for that night. Remember always, NO pressure. You do need to initiate dates and such, that is your role as a man to be depended on. And always have a plan when you ask her, even if its just a coffee date or lunch.
I personally love a man with a plan, it shows me that he thinks ahead and is confident and prepared, and that he’s seriously interested. And don’t ask her last-minute, it might make her think she’s just a last-minute thought to you. About 4 days is a good rule to follow. It shows to her that you really planned it and want to spend time with HER, and you’re not just looking for someone to hang out with. For a Saturday date, ask her NO LATER than Wednesday, for a Friday date, no later than Tuesday, and so on.
A great way to get a girl to lose interest is the following conversation:
Him: Hey, wanna hang out?
Her: What did you have in mind?
Him: I dunno, what do you want to do?
Her: That’s okay, nevermind
A better way:
Him: (on Wednesday) I’d like to take you out dancing (or clubbing, or dinner, or whatever) Saturday night. (KNOW where you’re going, what you’re doing).
Her: That sounds great, where are we going?
Him: I was thinking we would start with dinner at such-and-such restaurant, then go to such-and-such bar to “warm up” on drinks before going to going to such-and-such club. Oh, and by the way, I got us on the VIP guest list so we won’t have to wait in line. And possibly go to an after-party, if we’re up to it by then.
Her: That sounds great, what time should I be ready?
Him: I’ll pick you up at 7:00
And always pick her up at her place, even if you’re both on foot. It shows you really care. Don’t just “meet somewhere”, thats what friend zone guys do, and part of why they stay in friend zone.
If you end up at your room, maybe kiss her a little, but since you two almost did it before, hold back a bit and let her initiate further. If she wants to just go to sleep, then be fine with that too. It shows that you respect her and her feelings and are not just looking to get laid. I know from my experience, when a guy I like holds back and doesn’t pressure and push for sex, it makes me want him more. Crazy but true. Its like this opposite polar magnetic thing.
And yes, its up to you to think of things to do, and ask her out, but remember to be the man with the plan, always. Of course, nothing has to be set in stone, but at least you’re a guy who knows what he’s doing and where he’s going. None of that wishy-washy stuff with you, no way!
Most helpful post I’ve ever gotten. Thank you! I’ll text her asking her tonight.
great post silly! Not all girls are the same but that’s great advice!
No, of course not all girls are the same, but they do have similar feelings and ways of looking at things. Those are just examples, appropriate to his particular situation at the moment.
absolutely, I meant nothing by it You know more about women than I do 
You young guys are pretty lucky, the internet has created such a storehouse of information and opened you up to people that you might not have otherwise come across
My point is it took me until my 40’s to learn how to be a better “leader,” when it came to dealing with the opposite sex, and the way I learned was just kinda like you did now, with someone on the internet pointing me in the right way.
Not saying I wouldn’t have eventually met a good teacher or mentor, but its a bit easier now to find people with like minded interests so you can find all kinds of amazing dating knowledge.
Anyway, to the point about leading. This was where my relationships took a turn for the better when I stopped asking a girl where she wanted to go. One girl finally said to me before I learned what I’m going to share next…“You’re gonna be eating too, I always choose, how about you pick this time.”
Its not about bullying, it’s not about controlling, it is about leading. So now what I do is I text my girl and say, “How about I come up and take you to lunch, I’m hungry for some Panda Express.”
9 times out of 10 her response is…“mmmm…that would be nice.”
That one time out of 10 is “Panda (or whatever I mentioned) just doesn’t sound good today.”
I NEVER then ask her what she wants, I ALWAYS have at least 2 more options and have yet gone to the 3rd. So my response is usually.. “Oh, we haven’t had our favorite Hawaiian Pizza in a long time that would really hit the spot.” Or something similar.
Like I said, usually by that 2nd choice she’s like..“Oh yeah! That sounds great.”
It took me a long time to learn this, but the simple fact is women are constantly eying us, dissecting every move we make and for good reason. In a case where you don’t know what to do, you don’t know where to take her, and when you get there it takes you longer than her to figure out what to eat, whether it sounds petty or not, she’s seeing that you are just not clear in your life.
Clear in what? Many things. You’re not clear on your purpose, your intentions, your likes or dislikes. If you can’t decide between a burger and taco and it is causing you mental duress…LOL. How can you decide between this job or that job? What is the best option for you and your girl, or your family?
It sounds petty, but when you think about it it is spot on. I’ve gotten into the habit of telling people this very same thing at my Starbucks when they sit there for 5 minutes trying to decide whether or not they want whip cream on their frappucino. Its not that important a decision and you can’t make it, then you can’t make the important ones because you don’t know who you are, and what you want.
So yeah, be the man with the plan that is open to change.
You could always take the approach of…
“Hey my favorite author is going to be at Barnes and Nobles on Friday night talking about his latest book, I love this guy’s writing. I’m going to be there and would love to share this experience with you.”
Or something similar…
Create a life, and give her the chance to have a peak inside it by inviting her along on your journey. With the subtle implication that it doesn’t matter because you’re going there regardless.
Screw clubs man, plenty of time for that. Create experiences for her that don’t involve loud music, and drinking.
Thanks for the reminder. Seriously. We guys are so singularly focused on things at times that we forget some of these small but very important matters that just make our relationships flow a bit more smoothly. This is why anytime I buy a book whether it is a learning to, self-help, inspiring, I buy the audio book too. That way I can read it, listen to it and then replay it over and over in my car so it just permeates every sense and I take it to heart.
Great post.
I texted her and told her “Just got out of my test that I’ve studied forever for. Going to de-stress tonight, care to join?”
Her reply: “I don’t know if I’m going out tonight I’ll let you know though.”
Now thinking back on it, we were relationship-y. We had loads of deep conversations, telling stories about our childhoods, she’s Jewish and she was telling me how she loves her temple and all that, and whenever I’d help her with her homework, it always got physical, even if just a little bit. She even said, “Don’t you worry, I’ll pay you back for this” with a little smile on her face. It seems that the morning after she slept in my room the second time she’s been just a tad standoffish. I do understand her being weary, but at the same time, I just don’t understand why she needs to take a step back. We can have something good, and I think she DOES like where it’s going.
I do hope this is all a test, but how long can a guy wait? She told me to “be patient.” I don’t know how patient I’m expected to be.
Great! The tone of your text was light but purposeful. And when she does get back to you, remember to be the man with a plan.
One more thing, next time you invite her to go out, do NOT do it in that back-handed way, that you’re going someplace already and would she like to hop on board.
That is another reason guys end up in the friend zone. When you ask her for a date, say “I would like to take you out to such-and-such place for dinner.”, with “take you out” being the important part. If you say, “I’m going to such=and-such place for dinner, wanna come along”, she doesn’t feel special, she becomes more like a buddy because you put her there with your own words.
And its not all a test, nor is it a game. She may not even realize she’s doing it, testing you. It’s just a natural thing, after her previous experience (which unfortunately many people do go through, and men do also test women, though again, they may be unaware that they are doing so).
Do not put a time limit on it, just go with the flow, be cool, and remember that anything worth having is worth waiting for.
Oh, and when you do get her on a date, at the end of the date, try to make another date at that time (but make sure it’s at least 4 days or even a week away, you don’t want her to get sick of you she needs a little time in between to look forward to the next one).
Alright, will do! Great advice, Silly. Now that you mention it, if I do go with her somewhere tonight (and if not tonight, whenever I do), even if I don’t take her back to my room, I think I’m going to ask her out on a first official date.
IH or IO for that date, or both? Whenever I go somewhere with a girl, even if its a girl I’ve hung out with quite a bit, it’s rather mad awkward silences, or its a LOT of conversation (praying for the latter).
Of course, I’ll be wearing AMMO for said date too. Just a spray, UNDER my shirt, so it’s an undertone. Maybe some IS as well.
Wish I still had some of my IG left…
Keep it light and easy breezy, maybe Ammo (for sexy confidence), IO (to reduce awkward silences) and IS (for a happy upbeat glow). IH maybe, maybe not. Might be too heavy for now.
What were you using when you had the best rapport and reactions with her? Maybe use that, because as they say, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
IO and AMMO.
Then you’ve just answered your own question! 
HAHA yep. EXCEPT I went to chill with her roommate, and her name was brought up, and she said ‘honestly, stay away from her for a while.’
Now, the girl told me to never listen to her roommate cuz she’s ‘the worst person to talk to,’ (Note: I’m NOT going to her roommate to talk about her. I basically only talk to my roommate and girls that don’t know her for advice), but I still know they talk, and have a feeling that she really means it.