How to clarify things/cheating.

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Men's Pheromone Advice & Field Reports
1

What should I do if I want to find out if someone’s “cheating” on me (meaning dating or having sex) when we are dating but there is no clear label (relationship, exclusive, monogamous, etc) and it’s very confusing?

Here’s the situation:
There is this guy who I have been talking to since April, but after I went out of state for the Summer, I completely cut him off and he got very hurt. He would call me his “future boyfriend” and even said I was the one for him but never asked me out, so I assumed that I was single and could still date around (I was in that mentality). I guess not, since after I came back and he was really looking forward to seeing me I finally told him I couldn’t see him since I was really into someone else. He tried to kiss me and I rejected him, so he left very sad. He said he cried that time.

However, after some things happened in my personal life with others, we are seeing each other again. However, he has told me he has trust issues and while he gives 100% of him to the person he likes, he has been hurt in the past and what I did to him made it worse. He has told me he won’t bring it up anymore (even though he has and it made me feel guilty but also upset me), and that it will take time. Yes, we will go out to get coffee as if it was a bunch of dates and it has slowly been feeling more like “back then,” but he still has the gay app through which we met (and originally hooked up but ended up dating), and today I got very, very depressed (and upset) after I got curious about other apps like that which he has on his ipad. He has never mentioned them but I have seen them as he doesn’t try to hide them from me or anything, but I downloaded one for curiosity. I had literally seen him 3 hours before when he dropped me off in the morning to go to work (and me to school as I slept over), and when I go on the newly-downloaded app, I saw he had photos of himself and “friends or fun” on the headline, and then he was online later! I didn’t know what to do so I tried asking to unlock his photos and he blocked me (I had no photo but maybe he knew it was someone from my small school who might tell me or myself).

So, how many shots of IH (I have a to go, IX version 1.1) to hopefully clarify what I mean to him, and how to make him come out with the truth? He has told me he uses the apps for friends and to trade photos/tease guys (and won’t talk to a lot of them), but it pissed me off so much how on the app I’m on he doesn’t have anything but his height, etc., and how here it actually says what he wants. He’s 25 and from Brazil. We had sex last night and I was starting to trust him more, but I’m very cynical and mistrusting right now. I just want the complete truth. I’m seeing him for coffee in two hours, probably because

Sorry for the long message, and please do not refer to my post history; I have been trying to score a good man and it just doesn’t happen. I thought he was someone truly special.

2

And most importantly, how can I know whether I should trust him or not? He acts sweet and caring (and seems so) in person but his online activity is very sketchy. I’m afraid I’m putting my own previously-hurt (from the others) perception into this, but I don’t like feeling this way at all…

3

I think I remember you posting on this guy before?

If so, what I took from it was that he is in no place or mood to get into a serious relationship just now and most certain way to ensure you never get into anything more serious and maybe end it altogether is to put him on the spot like this.

You need to take what happens between you more lightly, maybe accepting FTM that he (and you) are still able to explore other options/people etc - and yes, I know its sometimes not that easy to remain so emotionally detached but as you say, there is no clearly defined relationship between you yet.

As for what pheros may help - Certainly a hefty dose of IH to promote deeper conversation and something like P83 and/or IS to help keep his tongue wagging and the mood in the happiest place possible if you are going to broach the subject.

Also remember that plenty of guys and gals keep dating/hookup apps/websiteson the go, sometimes for social reasons but partly to keep their options open, partly for some kind of self validation and yes, often simply because they do like the attention and a bit of flirting to pass the time. Making that into an issue of contention will only help make you seem clingy/controlling/overly serious or worse to someone who is quite possibly still in the having fun/playing the field stage of life.

4

It went like this for me:

April-May Talking to the guy I’m talking about in this thread
June-October I stopped talking to him and started talking to a guy from another thread (who I met back home), who completely broke my heart and not killed a bunch of my self-esteem, but also made me vey self-conscious (Mexican like me)
After that, I decided to see how things went with the new student from Brazil (there are two Brazilians here) and it was the subject of my last post about shyness.
I went back to the guy from this thread and we have been keeping in contact since early October.

That was my mistake of leaving him but even he told me “I thought I lost you” and has told me things that make it seem like he is very interested at me. He is going slowly because of the past, but I got very, very mad at the whole “friends and fun” since it contradicts what he has told me about those sites, which are for hooking up! Yes, they are entertaining to see stupid people try too hard, but being there is almost like an alcoholic going to a bar and saying he’s going to order a coke >:confused:

I am always happy and in a light mood with him but right now I’m pissed. I know my emotions won’t take over because they never do, but still…

And I agree with you. He has tried making me jealous more often by mentioning things like “he’s cute” and “I have a crush on him” while talking to people on tv, etc. Of course he’s not going to meet them, but the fact that he has to make me jealous to give himself security makes me upset, even if I did make a mistake in leaving him. I just want to fix it and go back to the start.

I will follow your advise and use IH, although is there a way I can overdose on it? I don’t want that to happen, as I want this situation to go smoothly. I’m seeing him very soon.

Also, thank you for the advice; I really appreciate it.

5

NO CLEAR LABEL … no CHEATING, is my thinking.

IF the words “I’M YOURS and YOU’RE MINE,” have been spoken, somebody needs a spanking!!!

6

We talked and we sorted things. I used about 4 sprays of IH and boy did he talk! I am glad he did, and I definitively noticed self-effects as well, even with friends after he had gone home. He opened up a lot to me, and then felt really tired (already was) so he went home to be there and sleep early.
Yes, we are still dating and everything is fine, but the big point we made was that if we want to go further in order to call each other “boyfriend,” it will take time and lots of trust.

Now, I’m an impatient person, so although I will try my hardest to not become frustrated as I care a ton about him, what pheromone do you think for increasing trust between people, but as partners? I don’t want to end up in the friendzone… How would A413 work if we already act as partners but he is being cautious because he doesn’t want to get hurt again? Too forward? And I know I won’t hurt him again; I don’t want to miss something so wonderful with him.

Thanks.

7

INSTANT HONESTY is the key. But I’d look into the FEEL GOOD -mone, too — Instant Shine.

Life is really funny. People come with all kinds of WONDERFUL SOUNDING sayings that fit all different kinds of issues. ‘YOU CAN FORGIVE, BUT YOU CAN’T FORGET’ fits here. Thing is, some can’t handle it, even if they decide to give it ANOTHER TRY, so be prepared.

Good luck! :wink:

8

IH is very good indeed for trust and interpersonal bonding. Sort of in an “WOW - it was meant to be” way, often without you labouring the issue.

However, one of the more difficult issues with A314 is its all-out seriousness. A314 can and does signal very good solid, earnest and upstanding relationship qualities - which is great if your subject is in a place where they can appreciate them and its what they want.

So, if they (man or woman) are not there yet and still set on a life of having fun, being free, social and exploring/experiencing as much as life can offer (as most guys/gals are in their early 20s IME), the heavy A314 signal, combined with your impatience and strong desire for a relationship could well come-over like you want to clap the ball and chain on him right now, for good. This will likely drive him right away from you. The undoubted trust aspect of A314 will also make the seriousness/determination of this a lot more present.

He will likely run a mile!

9

You dont know if he is cheating or not. Just because he is still a member of this group online doesnt mean he is cheating. Maybe he made friends that he socilizes with but doesnt see. Sure he may be flirting but thats not cheating.

You need to sit down and have a talk and set some clear boundries to what your relationship is and where your both hoping its going. Lots of IH for this. You really cant OD with it. Its not going to increase trust if mistrust exists though. It will help you both open up on the deeper issues that are bothering both of you and that can help build trust.

Trust is built by opening up, listening to the other persons thoughts and feelings and respecting them.

Tisha

10

Alright, so it being that I am a Psych major, I have been trying to figure out what my “issues” behind my growing mistrust (but kind of irrational, to be honest) are. I have come to the realization that I’ve been very clingy lately, and it’s affecting this relationship with the guy this post is about. I read the following, and it made me realize that me hurting my relationship is making the guy be a combination of fearful-avoidant, and dismissive-avoidant in his attachment to me. I am starting to become a little anxious-avoidant (clingy). Pheromonically-speaking, what could I use to make him feel more trustful regarding me? I have been using lots of Instant Honesty, but this is because I have been trying to get a lot of information from him (which I understand can become kind of annoying to the person after a while, and make me seem obsessive).

Today I told him I couldn’t see him because of too much schoolwork (which is taking its toll on me; same with the winter weather), and I almost felt like he might have been a little relieved. I am leaving for break out of state soon and will give him time, but how can I alter his perception of me in a subtle way? I’m thinking of stop using Instant Honesty and use Instant Openness (idk if I have it) + Instant Shine, because as Mobocaster said, I don’t want him running away from feeling too pressured by me being a control freak (which I am trying not to be).

11

So he has trust issues with you because of something you did in the past.

You have growing trust issues with him which are causing you to be clingy.

You do see whats happening dont you ? Your trust issue are not stemming from something he did they are stemming from something you did. Its caused by your fear that he will recipricate. Its not growing mistrust its growing fear and the more fearful you get the more you cling.

Unless he has givin you a reason to mistrust him then its just your fear thats getting in your way. That fear is of your own making. No pheromone is going to change whats inside of you, only you can do that.

I know he has apps that you downloaded and looked at that disturbed you. Seems to me he is not hiding them from you.

Have you talked about your relationship with him and discussed those boundries I mentioned before ?

You cant fix it you can only begin again. If you do not let go of this irrational fear you will lose him because you will push him away. Not only that but your missing on enjoying your time with him because your more concerned in finding out what he is up to. This will not help you grow closer. You can not move ahead if you keep dwelling in the past or in the “what ifs” .

Unless he actually cheats on you. Hooks up with someone, dates, or has sex then you need to let the fear that he will go. In other words do not create problems before they exist.

Tisha

12

The thing is that in all honesty, part of the reason why I stopped talking to him was because he wasn’t very open to me, which stems from a lot of mistrust he had. Then he does open to me, and I make the trust issues worse. It sounds to me like both him and I have some major issues with trust, but I am completely willing to fix them to now let go. We have been talking about it, but I have a feeling that me always talking about it makes it seem like I am insecure of it. I just want to give him security, so he can begin trusting me again. He used to be so kind and still is, but there are so many holes in his past that I don’t know about yet. I have been trying to dig them up by asking him, but I think too much asking also gets annoying (naturally).

I was reading on attachment theory and styles. I presume that we were both okay before the mistake I made (and regret to no end). Before me leaving, however, I realized that him moving so forward (which was him actually trusting me but I saw it as him being too attached, which I wouldn’t mind now) was freaking me out, and I wasn’t ready to commit. But now that I have done that (and realize how he was the person I was looking for), it left him with a fearful-avoidant attachment to me, and left me with an anxious attachment as a result of the other guy. I am reading into things too much, but at least I’m trying to stop that and let things just heal with time but also patience. I don’t know how to move though; I strategize things a lot because I like making good impressions, but I’m also inattentive and compulsive/impatient at the same time (I am getting evaluated for ADD soon).

I just don’t want to mess things up, and wonder if/what pheromones can do to make things a little bit better. Maybe I shouldn’t rely on them too much, but I think I might see them as an antidote to what I have done.

13

What makes you think you need to fill those holes with something ?

Whats that saying … “The past is history, the future a mystery but today is a gift which is why its called the present”

You spend to much time worrying about the past and the future and your missing the present.

You say he is kind and you have fun with him now. So I ask again why do you need to fill those holes. Love is not found in the future or the past. Its found in the present. Learn to live in the now.

Pheromones wont mess things up unless you expect them to do something they cant. Forgive yourself for making a mistake and leaving. Obviously he has or he wouldnt be seeing you now. You will find that once you do that you will be able to let go and both of you will trust more.

Tisha