Ladies: I need your advice (men also)

Lounge
1

I need some perspective on a situation with a girl (mid-20). English is not my first language.

At my workplace we have now had an intern for 4 months (office work) and she has been REALLY outgoing towards me, very obvious for everyone at the office to see, and the older female coworkers are talking about how nice it is to see two young people getting so well on with each other. Romance has been uttered.

I have done much of the training with her, and we have been sitting very close to each other, bumping shoulders, touching hands accidently, playful hits on the chest/shoulders, giving compliments on clothes etc. – you know, all the signs that there’s chemistry. The tone has been cocky-funny. I have been a bit more alpha than usually and she has responded well.

Also e-mail correspondance has been ridiculous with days where no real work have been done: very embarrasing behaviour for two adults, I know.

I said to her that I have spoken with my boss about her getting a fulltime job at our company, and my boss agreed and is now going to offer her a job. She doesn’t know it officially yet, but she know through me that it’s probably coming. On facebook she just responded OK when I told her. She told me once that the long drive to work was getting on her nerve.

She has a boyfriend. I know you’ll come at me hard on this, but life is not always black and white, and she has really rocked my world. I just can’t forget about her, though I know you’ll say I just should. That’s so easy to say when it’s someone else, but when it hits yourself, it’s no longer so easy. Even if you disagree on this point I really hope you’ll give me an objective perspective.

Anyway, I wrote on facebook, that I had a surprise for her, but I wanted to know whether she likes to do exciting stuff? She wanted to know what I had in mind, which I wouldn’t tell her, and then she didn’t give a definitive answer to the question, the phone rang and we both went offline.

Next day we had an argument, nothing big, but I reacted quite harshly, because of a work-related thing. From the morning she had been mute like a stone, giving me the cold shoulder, and as the work-related thing came up, I tilted in an e-mail response to which she responded

She wrote:
Angry, angry, angry :smiling_face:

I didn’t respond.

Then 5 minutes later she wrote:
When will you teach me (something specific work related thing)?
(This mail made me smile, because suddenly she wasn’t mute anymore when she thought I was angry.)

I didn’t respond.

She went home and then I responded to her ’’angry, angry, angry’’ mail.

I replied: (not in english, and this is a summary)
You be angry. You’re not excately miss sunshine today either.
If you’re so cute why don’t you go skydiving with me and jump from 4.000 meters? Or would you rather sit at home watching a costume drama?
I challenge you to come with me, and follow up on your words with action.
Or are you afraid too?

I knew it was a mistake the second I sent it.

Next day she was oblivious/cold towards me.

I wrote her a mail:
In my mail yesterday I seemed to forget to use smilies :smiling_face: I was in a bad mood yesterday. I hope to see a smile from you soon :smiling_face:
Preferably before lunch.

Right after she wrote:
Haha, no way Im going skydiving !!

Then we talked and I said, yes you’re going, and then she agreed to actually think about it. She said I was nuts for suggesting it. The rest of the day she worked like crazy not having time to talk to anybody at all, myself included. I was just happy to have made up with her, as I though I had blown everything.

Im confused now. I don’t know why she ignores me all of the sudden. Of course I suspect that she wants the job and doesn’t have time to fool around (which is great, you really should work for your wage) but on the other hand Im afraid that me making it obvious, that Im interested in her is surprising her and perhaps scaring her. Now she can hardly look me in the eyes and when she does it’s obvious pain full for her, when it was all flirty eyes and blushed cheeks before.

I have a few questions:

When women sits very close to you, bumping shoulders often, blushing all the time, touching hands accidently, playful hit on the chest/shoulders etc – is that usually a sign that there is something going on or could it all just be friendly? I mean it could be friendly but what are the odds? (Hard to answer I know, but she not acting like this towards any other at work)

Perhaps she’s becoming passive because she has a boyfriend – but why change her behaviour in the first place?

She has promised to think about the skydiving – but what should I do now?
Please don’t say forget about her, because Im not ready to do that yet – but would you advice me to give her room, not contacting her, ignoring her – or continue to show my interest? Should I try and get the cocky-funny tone back on, easing her up, getting her comfortable? Sometimes silence can be the most uncomfortable situation of all.

While the flirting was still going on we planned to go out for dinner on tomorrows date. Should I assume we’re still on, should I not bring it up unless she does or should I confront her whether she still wants to go?

Work-related romance with a full-time employer = NOT a good thing, i know. We don’t know if she gets the job, then decisions has to be made. But perhaps she doesn’t want the job because of the long drive.

Pheww. I could need your perspective on what’s going on.

2

JR-H,

Dude… you want my honest opinion. She sounds like a full time job all by herself. :open_mouth:

Entire days with no work done because of emails going back and forth? How long do you think you will get away with that?

OK, so down to your questions.

  1. She is definitely flirty by what you describe. If that is her “let’s be friends” behavior, then she enjoys teasing men.

  2. Ahh, the boyfriend question. Does she live with him? How long have they been in a relationship? This will always affect any budding romance between you two as long as he is in the picture. I fell for a girl once in college I was helping with one of her classes in my apartment. She had a boyfriend. We had great sex several times. All of a sudden she got cold. She had went out with her boyfriend on a date and had a great time. She realized she didn’t want to lose him and stopped what we had going. The point is that you can expect hot and cold from her based upon what she is experiencing with her boyfriend.

  3. She will have to explain to her boyfriend why she is going skydiving with another guy… this is a potential show stopper for her. I would go back to the way you were when you first started working with her. I think she is sensing she has you hooked and can string you along. Have fun with her but don’t be needy. Act like you can live without her. Be unpredictable. Don’t email her for a few days.

  4. I would assume the date is still on (she has not forgotten) and would say you will pick her up at xx o’clock. Let her be the one to break the date if she changed her mind.

I do want you to think about something. Whenever there is a girl who is very flirtatious and has a boyfriend, it is easy to think that he is neglectful or abusive and she is trying to get attention she is not getting from him. There is equally the chance that he is just a guy who really loves this girl and is very good to her and she just has this need to entice other men behind his back. You might win her over, but who is to say she won’t be flirting this way with other guys behind your back?

She is playing you very well. Beware of what you hope for… you might just get it.

3

Very good points…
I know about the boyfriend thing. Damn, how could I fall for this girl? I developed a crush in the last two months that is getting ridiculous. Im 33 years old and I feel like a teenager.

I see ALL the problems ahead, but can’t seem to shake the feeling off. I guess I have to find a way. And you’re correct about the fact that the state of her relationship with her boyfriend will reflect how she is towards me. It’s just hard to go back to what it as in the beginning now that she’s getting cold. Hmm. I’ll see about the date tomorrow. Im sure she’ll come up with an excuse tomorrow, and then I guess it’s time to get on… if I give her the cold shoulder perhaps she’ll come around…

Thanks for your great advice.

4

Walrus, thanks for some fine points. I really don’t want to go on this date with her, especially if she’s gonna be this cold - perhaps calling it off with a plausible excuse would be best. Then maybe she’ll warm up afterwards, and if she doesn’t - then I’ll have to go on my merry way. What do you think?

Because you’re right: she has me where she wants. Like when I got angry. Then SHE got needy. Started sending emails asking questions, repeatdly. You think calling it off with a plausible excuse would force her to show her real intentions? Like if she continues to be cold afterwards, then it’s a sure sign that she’s actually relieved that the date didn’t become a reality?

Play a little hard to get myself, giving her the cold shoulder…

Thanks!

5

What about telling her the real reason? You are uncomfortable dating her while she has a boyfriend, you think that dating might affect your working relationship, and that her hot/cold attitude towards you makes you feel uneasy. This in itself might start a good conversation between you two and you might get some answers.

I am completely aware of how this push/pull hot/cold attitude of hers can drive you wild. I have had one girlfriend and one wife this way. They are exciting… at first. They are emotionally exhausting over the long run.

6

You’re right. This is too much to handle for a man. There will be no more flirting from my end. Thanks again for giving me the perspective I needed. I feel clearminded now.

7

That’s the friends box my dear. When a girl is flirting with the intention of snagging you she wont make that kind of contact unless she is just looking for a quick lay but I dont think she is that type from how you described her.

She is comfortable with you, she thinks of you as a friend. Think of your male close friends. They could do any one of those things to you and you wouldn’t think its attraction. Your attracted to her so your interpreting her behavior as attraction.

The reason she is suddenly moody and pulling back is because you showed her more interest then she was comfortable with your statement about planning something exciting on facebook. In that moment she knew you were trying to get out of the friends box and that can cause some discomfort especially because she knows your aware she has a boyfriend. She is not playing you. She knew where the relationship was before, you were her friend and now she is not quite sure where it is.

Tisha

8

Tisha23 hit it right on the head,I just almost wrote the same reaction she was thinking!
Level

9

Lots of people flirt at work simply to add some spice to the day. Some people follow through by getting it on behind the copier, but I’d recommend against it. Stories will circulate for the next decade and you’ll always be seen as a bit soiled. People rarely leave a serious partner to stay with someone they cheated with.

Now, if this is just a side job and you plan to leave within a year or two it’s different. If her relationship is quite shallow, it is also different.

10

Just a short update.
I spoke to her about it and told her that I had misunderstood her signals. She was relieved and said that everything is OK, that perhaps she HAD been a little too flirty, and now we get along fine again as friends.

Thanks for your helpful comments. I will never know to distinguish flirty interest with ‘‘other’’ kinds of interest, but that’s life, I suppose :slight_smile:

Am I the only man that has trouble ‘‘reading’’ these signals? Because I feel somewhat ‘‘stripped’’ and vulnerable this way :slight_smile:

11

I have to give a +1 to Tisha. She nailed it.

I think all men have trouble reading these signals because we have a tendency to sexualize most everything.:roll_eyes: It’s so much of an ego boost to be flirted with by a beautiful girl that maybe we see things that are not there.

But… (and there is always a but)…

I have been in three significant relationships (current ending marriage included) that started with playful then sexual flirting. They all progressed into an intense sexual relationship with a lot of drama included. They were like a drug. All three needed me for their benefit (won’t get into details here), used tried and true seduction techniques… I was a fool and stepped right into their web and did not learn from the time before. All I can say is that even though the innocent flirting is around that does not mean anything besides just a little fun, there are those out there that mean it, so be careful. I’m older and more cynical that most of you guys on this forum I guess. :o

When I reread your initial post, I guess I can see now where you might have misinterpreted signals (thru wishful thinking. lol). Hands brushing together accidentally. I know all too well the powerful effect something simple as this has us guys. Ha! I remember when I was in high school and was at a party. There was a girl there who I was really attracted to but be barely knew each other, plus she was there with her date. Later in the party she handed me my beer and our fingertips touched. It was like I touched a electric wire with my hand because I felt energy move down my hand into my arm (no carpet so no shock). I quickly looked up at her and she had eyes as big as saucers. She felt it too. We spent the rest of the party exchanging glances until she left. Now THAT was something I did not misunderstand! :smiley:

12

Yes wishful thinking to a large degree, no doubt. This flirting was just so much more than what I would deem appropriate in the form of friendliness. I don’t fall overboard everytime a nice girl smiles at me. This was a bit much :slight_smile:
And she did acknowledge that she could see how I got the wrong understanding. Anyway, no doubt I got it wrong, and perhaps she acknowledged the flirting just to make me feel better. Now if you will excuse me: I have bunch of work I have to catch up with :slight_smile: LOL

And yes… Tisha always seems to nail it :slight_smile:

13

No your not the only man who mistakes these signals. Men instinctively think about procreation, its in your genes, you cant help it LOL. Women are more emotional and because we are more emotional we tend to be more expressive. Because men are instinctively thinking one way and women are instinctively thinking another those signals can get crossed sometimes. Its why you always hear men say “I dont understand women” :wink:

Tisha

14

Thanks Tisha - at least Im not the only one having trouble with these signals.