Question about a lady friend

Lounge
1

I’ve known this girl for about a year. We’ve been friends and have gone out on a few dates but nothing serious.

In the past when we’ve hung out she’s only referred to anyone who ever texts her or she’s going to hang out with that night her “friend.” She always leaves it to my imagination whether or not its a guy or gal.

She does have a lot of guy friends that are platonic that she will hang out with. Like have dinner or they’ll take her riding on their bike.

Anyway, only recently has she started to drop names and I mean like all the time.

She would never say, “Greg is going to come over tomorrow and hang out.” But now that’s exactly how it plays out.

For example last night she just out of the blue asked me if tomorrow was Thursday and when I replied yes, she then informed me, “Oh name will probably text me to come over. I’ve told him to text me the night before, but he will usually text me in the morning the day of.”

She also informed me the other night that another guy invited her to hang out in his hot tub and she said she’d probably do it Thursday.

In both cases she’s supposed to be seeing some other guy today but yet she texted me this morning and asked ME out.

So what’s the game here? Is she testing me or trying to make me jealous?
My response as of late has just been to play it off with something like, “Oh yeah? That’s cool.”

2

Jealousy plot all the way. This girl is into you :slight_smile:

3

:roll_eyes: I read this last night, and dude, I’m sorry. Yeah, my personal opinion is she’s into you and looking to make you jealous. I don’t play mind games and name and call them out when people play them at me. Also, as an Australian here, I noticed that guys claim to be tired and weary of mind games and yet, STILL play those same horrible games they complain of. I’m not accusing or pointing the finger at you, but to me there is a huge amount of mind fucking going on just in reflex mode. I’ve actually made it a point now to not fuck guys I know. Let alone guys I like. Just screen someone, fuck em and they are required to leave when I’m done.

Me, personally, if you are interested in more with this girl; would call out the game. There are better, more effective, friendlier and less emotionally damaging ways to express a change of interest. Not saying this is damaging to you, personally; but this type of game in my view is childish to the point of it should have stayed in elementary school. Tell the girl to grow some ovaries and be honest with you. Worse yet if she is dicking with you just cos she knows you’re interested and she can.
Again, disclaimer: This is my opinion. I’m pretty straightforward and I really do hate mind games. I don’t have time for mind games or the people who play them. :angry:

4

I totally agree with Astrea, re childish mind games and all that. She’s trying to make you jealous, but for what purpose? Does she secretly want a serious dating relationship with you and is too immature to take a more direct approach? Or is making you jealous just a diversion for her? Maybe you’re up in the rotation of “friend benefits.”

I don’t know if this a generational gap for me, or if I’m really some other species that got deposited on this planet by mistake, but I don’t get this kind of stuff. Or the PUA stuff.

I’m not a prude, I just think people who want to have sex with multiple partners without emotional ties should engage in open consensual polyamorous relationships where everyone knows what is going on.

5

Halleluja, sister. Wouldn’t that be a major breakthrough? Really glad someone else feels this way. This is the stuff that trips me up on a constant basis. As recently as last month. I’m straightforward - even if that’s rejection because I often miss it when I’m being hit on. :confused: I have been told by (guy) friends here, that the temperament of PNW girls are overall is so ‘better than you’ superior that guys here are less likely to be open about interest and learn to be really subtle to the point of appearing disinterested. Seattle is so middle school. :roll_eyes:
I don’t spend hours analyzing tonal nuances of a conversation long dead and gone. That’s a time waster for teenagers. If I have to ‘divine’ what’s going on; read someone’s mind or cast bones (sorry about the pun) I’m not interested. For a start, I take this as a strong indicator that time is gonna be wasted on too much drama and gaming and not enough on the fun stuff.
Decide if you like this girl enough to waste your time playing this game. If yes, I seriously recommend putting the games aside and take the friendship to the ‘next level’ in the honesty and communication stakes.
She may not appreciate it, but some hot, sexy chica who’s not interested in wasting the time she has with you, will. Just so you know:
I have been out clubbing and have been asked: “Do you want to dance” - no. “So, I spose a fuck’s out of the question then?” - again, no. I don’t want to dance right now, but a fuck is definitely on the agenda.
I know I’m not the only one. Go to a salsa club or a Cuban club, it’s legit public foreplay. Plus dancing rythm will give you an indication of what they’d be like horizontal . . .
Once more for those that just skim: my opinion, any and all advice given is NOT professional and therefore taken at your own risk.

6

I think I’m really throwing her off here. In the past I had shown a lot of interest, she just wasn’t ready for anything serious.
Now I’m just wanting to have fun and we are. There are a ton of free things to do around town and last weekend was the American Country Music Awards so a bunch of free concerts with big names. We saw almost all of them.

I’m a touchy feely kind of guy, kino is easy for me because I touch everyone. She and I were sitting at a bar watching a friend play and an older woman asked if the chair was open next to me and I invited her to sit down, and as she did I reached over and just rubbed her gently on the back. Its just the way I am.

So anyway, I’m always putting my hand on her knees, in the small of her back, I’ll even slap her on the ass every now and then playfully, but in a way that gets her attention.

But I haven’t been the emotional guy who is always telling her how much he adores her etc.

There is a pattern here. At least 3 of the names she has dropped are names that should bother me.
Guy 1 is someone we both know and I just don’t like at all. He and I have had a few confrontations over the last 3 years.

Guy 2 is a former fuck buddy of hers.

Guy 3 she thinks I’m jealous of only because I gave her a Harley Davidson calendar. One day I asked her youngest child where it was and they said, “She gave it to a friend.” When I asked who they shrugged their shoulders and said, “Eric?” In a tone like they didn’t really know.
I asked her about it, only because I thought it was inconsiderate for her to ask for something and then to give it away. She said she didn’t give it to him, I never asked again where it was.

So after posting this question on the forum, she and I went to the bar to see the friend playing in his band. And out of the blue she says, “Oh I was napping today and then there was a knock on the door and it was Eric.”

I hadn’t heard this dude’s name in so long I had to ask who she was talking about, and then when she answered I asked her, “I thought he moved to Philly.” And she said, “He did, he’s just here for a visit.”

So yeah, she did it again and in the past like I said she NEVER mentioned names. I never understood why, it was always “my friend.”

Anyway, I’m not putting any pressure on here. I don’t bring up any serious subjects, no relationship type subjects, no discussing where we’re taking all this I’m just trying to have as much fun as possible.
Now I’m not trying to act disinterested, its just that my interests right now are different.

She said something the other night and I told her, “that’s not me anymore, I’m a changed man.” And I am.

Could she just be letting me know she doesn’t want to be exclusive and wants to play around?

I’ve always been up front with her about how I’ve felt, its really tough for her to be open about such things. She’s always afraid of getting hurt. I told her that kind of fear pushes people away only confirming her fears in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

7

Wanted to add…
When we were at the bar that night, the drummer of her friend’s band (he’s married) was sitting with us talking when he asked me how long I had been with her. Normally in the past she would be quick to say, “He’s just a friend.”
This time she said nothing, it was I who then said, “we’re only friends.”

I thought that was kind of strange.

8

LOVING it!

IF it were me … NEXT UP, 'cause this child is confused! :smiley:

9

:roll_eyes: Yeah, theGentleman; if you’ve been up front with her, she needs to do you the same courtesy. She is fucking with you. My opinion hasn’t changed, as a matter of fact it’s even more solid if she has kids. She’s a functioning individual with responsibilities and has to do things and make decisions everyday - so I don’t see the problem with her being honest about what she wants with you now.
My latest opinion (I know you don’t care :smiley:) is to look around you right now! It’s been my experience that while all your attention is caught up with her, there’s probably someone close by that is just too shy to make her interest known, or interested but not going to approach this drama. Maybe look at someone you previously decided wasn’t quite your type. :open_mouth: And no, I don’t mean settle for second best; just be open to an alternative.

10

I know she’s fucking with me, LOL. I know the choices aren’t really good either way. But if she’s doing it to get me to make a move again, then I guess that’s better than if she’s just fucking with me to try to control me and turn me into some beta puppet she can manipulate without committing anything back.

Its kind of hard to explain where I am mentally right now, but its a really good place. it is not my intention to mind fuck her back, but of course when I just let these comments slide off like water on a duck’s back I’m sure it is bothering her.

In the past I could really sense where I was feeling needy in my relationships. This was a position of powerlessness I did not enjoy being in. But right now, I really am just about having fun. I hate to even bring up this whole game playing issue with her because I don’t want to have any serious discussions at this time. In the past with other women, including her, I was always the “we need to talk” type.

Someone brought up a really good point using quantum physics and the observer effect and how that affects relationships.
The Observer Effect states that until you observe something you cannot
determine what state the observed was in before you observed it and that
observing something always changes what you observe.

Well anyway he applied that to relationships by saying as soon as you “observer” it, in other words start trying to figure it out and not just let it be, you changed it.

I guess I’ve done that to some degree by asking about the whole jealousy thing. But I’m really trying to avoid getting too deep in my head.

I will keep having fun and exploit opportunities as they present themselves. If there is a moment to steal a kiss or to escalate in other ways I will do so.
but for now, my goal is to enjoy MYSELF. Enjoy MY time knowing that as I bring that kind of energy to our dates, she will be enjoying herself too while also realizing that I’m not just focused on her happiness.

11

I completely agree :smiley:

So, I’m thinking IO as opposed to IH?:wink:

12

I hardly think she’s evil herself:-D Just scared of telling you how she feels, so she drops these little tests to see your reaction. If you seemed jaloux she would probably make her move.

13

I don’t think there’s any serious malice. I remember when we first started to hang out some of the things she did I could feel the pull if you kn ow what I mean. Like she was trying to figure out if I was this long term guy she wanted to get to know better. A marrying type. It was like an interview, but done ever so subtly in the questions she asked.

This feels very similar. Kinda like she’s just wanting to see my response. My thing is right now its a bad time for her to get a jealous reaction if that’s what she wants because I really am not jealous. I don’t know why, I just am not at this time.

But if she wants the unphased response, LOL that’s what she’s been getting. In the past if she mentioned something about another guy, and I mean months ago I would be like…“OH yeah? You and he would make a great couple.” Just kind of toss it back in her face.
But now, I’m just like, “that’s funny, hey you wanna get a pizza?” And its not because I’m trying to act unphased, its because I want a pizza and don’t really care about the topic at hand.

14

No one said she’s evil. Just playing a game best left on the elementary school soccer field. Her make a move? I think that’s wishful thinking. She’s trying provoke a reaction. No ovaries.

15

I’m sorry if you thought I suggested playing the game with her. I think you should show her the honest reaction you feel inside.

It just seems like she’s viewed as some sort of “player”, and I’m suggesting that she might be to insecure to show how she really feels, so she needs to test if it will be okay first. And the way you say “Her make a move? I think that’s wishful thinking. She’s trying provoke a reaction. No ovaries.” you don’t know the girl, do you?:slight_smile: I used to be SERIUSLY scared of rejection, so even before flirting, I had to test the field to see if it would be welcome. Yes I was a kid, but not all have the luck to mature emotionally as fast as the rest. A move does not have to be a dinner invitation, it can just be heating up the conversation, making herself seem available to him. Maybe she is even conserned that flirting with him, and being rejected would cost them the friendship, and therefore needs to find sure signs of feelings on his part before going for it…

I’m just saying, don’t be so hard on a girl that we really have no idea of what is thinking…

16

No worries, I never thought you said play the game with her. My honest reaction right now is the one I gave, disinterest. My ONLY interest is in why she is choosing to play this game now.

And I think to some degree you’re both right. She doesn’t have the “ovaries” to say how she feels. She can be flirty, and was so in the past. But as with most women I come across, she too came out of a seriously mentally damaging relationship and I think she’s worried about setting herself up to get hurt.

She’s beautiful and confident in so many ways, but I noticed when we first met each other I had to do almost all of the contacting, whether it was via text phone or carrier pigeon. She played it off as she just wasn’t the type to contact people, then I realized it was a self-esteem issue. She feels like she’s being a bother and doesn’t want to intrude or be a nuisance.
While that sounds polite, it is apparent that she’s suffering from some kind of fear and / or lack of self-esteem.

If this ends up working out with her, it will take some time for her to be ready and open to that. So I’m really trying not to push, but I’m not trying to be passive either. I am just trying to be a good friend, a good companion, a good date, a good man and create memorable experiences for the two of us when we do go out.

17

You sound like a keeper :slight_smile: