In the “Introductions” section, one of the new users stated something like this:
“I am VERY alpha, if I want to. Well, I’m alpha around the people I know well. With others I’m very shy, because I’m afraid what they will think about me”
Hmmmm…
Now, I don’t really wonder too much whether I’m alpha or not. I don’t feel the need to rule or lead other people. There is no group that I’m the leader of, apart from situations at work. I do pretty much everything in my life on my own, well, apart from sex and friendships. But hey, why would I be afraid what others think about me? Especially when it comes to just making contact, casual social situations, early stages of knowing someone. First, if somebody would really think something so bad that I had reasons to be afraid of it, and just because I made some contact, then, well, I don’t want to know this kind of person, and have another reason to NOT GIVE A FUCK what they think. Really, meeting new people is a good thing. Making new friends is a good thing. It has to happen somehow. Someone has to make an initial contact. And if a person you start talking to, or smile at, thinks bad things about you because of that, just move on, talk to someone else, smile at better people, who can appreciate you. You don’t want to be friends with stupid, insecure assholes who make themselves feel better by judging others without any reason.
We all had that social fear at some point, I think. The PUAs are probably right that it’s a heritage from thousands years ago, when making a wrong initial impression could cost us life. Our emotions evolve in a slower fashion than the world does. That risk doesn’t exist anymore. We just need to aknowledge that.
I have a student, a 21 years old guy that I teach playing bass. It started 4 years ago, and we quickly became friends despite the age difference. He’s just an extremely intelligent, sensitive, hard-working guy. He’s a good musician already, got a gig in a gigging band etc. But he’s shy with girls. We’ve been talking about it many times. “I would talk to her, but what if she thinks I’m a loser? What if she’s not interested?” Well, I told him, that’s her loss. Of course, some of them won’t be interested. Most of them perhaps. But some of them will. If you try and make that contact, you’ll find those. Even if it’s only one in a hundred. If you don’t, than it’s like even that one wasn’t interested or thinks you’re a loser. No guy on Earth will have all the girls interested in him. Depending on who we are, there will only be 1%, or 15%, or 50 or 89%. Never 100%. There will always be some girls who think you’re a loser, or an asshole, or you’re ugly, or fat, or you’re shoes are crap or whatever. But if you don’t try to make the contact, you make those chances exactly 0%.
I have been really shy when I was a kid. I would go all red and look down. Had a real problem talking to people. Even members of my family, apart from the closest one like my mother or brother. It ended when I was like 19 or 20. I’m not exactly sure how. And it’s funny, because despite that shyness I was rather popular. Between the age of 16 and 20 I’ve something like 7 sexual partners - one regular girlfriend, and a few more casual ones, most of them older than me. Girls liked me, but for some reason I was convinced that I’m unattractive. I was noticing all that popularity, taking good advantage of it, and still sure that noone really likes me, that they judge me all the time etc. It changed when I started playing music actively. For some reason I never had any stage fright when it comes to playing. I was confident onstage from the very beginning of my musical activity. I was also confident walking into the crown after the show. I think I just learned that it’s just better for me when I’m confident and awesome intead of shy and afraid. I didn’t really think about it back then, it was a subconscious process. But our subconscious is powerful, it wants our life to be easier, better, it wants to avoid the pain. That’s why initially we’re afraid of making the contact. “Let’s avoid the pain of being rejected by this girl. Let’s avoid it by not talking to her at all”, your subcounscious tells you. And it rewards you with the feeling of relief. But when you make yourself learn that it doesn’t take you anywhere, your subconscious replaces that with something else. Now it tells you: “let’s avoid the pain of not having any sex or friends. Let’s avoid it by taking our chances to find the right ones, even if some of them are stupid and reject us”.
It doesn’t really matter what others think about us, does it? And even if it does, why would we so willingly assume that they think all the bad stuff? You live your own life, and it’s only gonna be great if you believe it. You’re awesome, everybody is, if you believe you are.
When I was a teenager, I was just like that guy I quoted at the beginning of this post. I was a star within a circle of close friends. And I looked like a star too, I had long curly hair, pretty face, leather biker’s jacket and had my bass with me all the time. Some girls were actually making an effort to meet me. They were coming over and talking to me. But guess what. That’s when my shyness was kicking in. I would instantly go quiet and make a serious face… And they would walk away. I happened to meet some of them years later, and actually talk about it. They believed I was an asshole who thought he’s too good for them.
My friends loved me when I was awesome among them. But over time I learned, the when I’m awesome among all the people, they all generally love me. I’m not saying I’m a star wherever I go, but even people I don’t know are comfortable with my company if I am comfortable with myself. Confidence is a self-powering mechanism. Even if you force yourself to just act confident, and you make it look believable, it has positive results. You make more friends, your social situation becomes better, you learn that people like you. That makes you truly confident, not only acting it. Ever time, it becomes more and more real and natural.
Ok, shyness may be sweet or cute sometimes. But mostly, it’s just needing to say something, or wanting to do something in a social situation, but not saying or doing that because of the fear of what will others think. And there’s nothing sweet about that.