So many tests So little time - My journal

Field Reports & Anecdotal Experience Men's Journals
481

In my (admittedly much shorter) experience… sometimes that emotional baggage just plain doesn’t go away until they get some new baggage to push it out

My best friend pined for years over an ex - it took him well over a year sitting on the fence with a great girl before he managed to get over himself enough to give his relationship a shot (by then it was too late… )

Maybe it’s just my youth… but my reaction to her saying she would never love someone as much as some previous lover would be to take it as a challenge.

482

Well I’ll agree and disagree with what you said:

  1. You can go out and buy brand new set of suitcases to replace your old dilapated ones, but if you don’t stop using the old ones and throw them away the new set is just going to sit around collecting dust. You don’t buy new luggage hoping that the old will just magically disappear.

And, I’m not interested in being the new baggage collecting dust that maybe will one day possibly replace the old.

  1. What she loved about that previous lover, or at least a big part of it was that he never argued or disagreed with her and treated her like a princess, caving to her every whim. I’m sorry but in REAL relationships couples don’t always agree on everything and they should be equals.

One of the things that was already bothering me a little even before we broke up was that my wishes weren’t really being taken into consideration: When we would go out to eat she would ask me what I felt like eating, then when I’d tell her she’d say no and suggest where she wanted to go. Or when we’d go to Blockbuster she’d pick out movies she wanted to see, without much consideration whether they were ones that I’d want to see too.

If I were just banging her and had no interest in anything long term or a real relationship, I’d probably go along with everything she said and wanted too, but that’s not how actual relationships work, and I’m just not up to the challange of giving up who I am or what I want to try to win ANYONES love!

483

Well said. The reasons you listed above have a lot to do with why I am happily divorced. Took me a long time to realize that I was happier alone than with my ex. I’m leaving in about ten minutes to meet someone I hope will be my new ex wife! :smiley:

484

And I would be twice divorced. Don’t know how, but I somehow managed to find and marry the 2 most evil bitches on the planet!

I’ve learned that I’m better off and happier being alone than with the wrong woman or settling just to be with someone. And, I figure that works both ways. It matters not how much I like or want to be with a girl, if there’s somebody else that she’d rather be with, then I’m just the guy that she’d settled for since she couldn’t be with who she really wanted.

And, that’s just a pill I’m not willing to swallow. In the Olympics being #2 may get you a silver medal, but in relationships it puts you in last place.

485

Jeez Mark I am sorry. I know you feel hurt and I wont try to defend her but I want you to keep something in mind as you get back out there.

Every Love is different. She said she would never love anyone like she loved him. She is correct. Most people feel that way about love but it doesn’t mean they will never love again or that when they do your number 2. The human heart has unlimited capacity to love and it comes in many forms but like finger prints each one is different. The notion of saying “I will never love someone like I loved him” is a romantic notion but not based on how love works. Love grows one love doesn’t take a higher spot then another it just takes its own spot. Other factors in the relationship dictate the strength of the connection. Trust respect consideration for each other all those emotions do that. Did she say to you “I would rather be with him” because if she didn’t then she is where she wanted to be. Love is not a Olympic sport there are no gold medals. Each medals is unique and different. Each one holds a seperate piece of the picture.

My friend whose husband past away has often said to me “he was the love of my life” Its true they were great together but she is remarried now and her new husband is number 1 and not because he is there but because he holds a different part of her heart. That in no way makes her past husband number 2 though. No one can compare to him because both men are individuals and that love stems from that fact. Neither of them hold a higher place in her heart but both hold a place.

Just like with kids when they ask, Who do you love more me or my brother. Its impossible to say. Love doesn’t work that way.

Love is a strange and wonderful emotion. As you know I have kids. My sister on the other hand doesn’t which upset my mom. My sister has only told me now, that she is older why she chose not to have them. She said she never wanted to love someone so much that if something happened to them it would destroy her. I know where this emotion comes from, I was abducted as a child and the scars have stayed with my siblings even though I got over it a long time ago. She said she was surprised that I had kids after what happened. I told her its to late you already do have that kind of love it just happens and you cant stop it. No, you never love a person like your love your child but the strength of that love is no less then the love you can feel for others. Love doesn’t work that way

I am not telling you this because I want you to give it another try but because its important to know as you move into new relationships. All loves past and present, good or bad help shape us into who we are today. I do agree getting involved with a married man says a lot about her and I agree with your judgement on how she doesn’t attempt to even consider your needs these are all signs of problems ahead. Your a great guy and I just wanted to give you a little insight on this because as you move on it may not be the last time you here about past loves. We all have them but it doesn’t take away their capacity to love you.

Being happy is what is most important and if you were not happy with that relationship its time to move on. You will find her. :wink:

Tisha

486

Thank you for that. That was a lovely post, Tish. :wink: So sweet, considerate and thoughtful. Just like you. :slight_smile:

Bella

487

Tisha, thanks for taking the time to write such a beautiful post. If she had just said that she’s never love anyone like she loved that guy, it probably would not have got to me quite so much, and I do realize that no 2 loves are the same.

But, she did not. She told me that “her one true love ruined her for all other men”, that she didn’t think she’d ever love anybody like she did him or as much again, and that he showed her how she needed to be loved.

I was happy overall and the little things she wasn’t considering my wants or needs on would not have been enough to have made me walk away. I thought she was happy too and while she claimed she was, I don’t think she’ll ever be truly happy in a relationship as long as she can say that she had one true love and that he ruined her for all other men.

As far as the friendship and living arrangements go, I think things may improve somewhat. We had a talk last night and I told her what had been bothering me. She told me that she’d been afraid to come out of her room and that she’s had all kinds of anziety and been worried that I’d tell her to leave. I told her regardless of anything else that’s something I would NEVER do, and even if things got horribly bad between us the worst I would do would be to tell her that she should start looking for another place to live.

To be honest, she has done a few really nice things to show that she does care about me and I have thought about trying to put the relationship back together a couple of times. But, that’s the heart thinking and when I take a harder look I realize that in the back of my mind I’d always feel that I was the one she was settling for.

488

Women are emotional and we express ourselves more in this way. She is not ruined for all other men and I doubt if she truly examines her feeling she would express them this way again. It sounds to me more wistful romanticising. Is she constantly comparing you to him verbally ?

I have often teased my husband when he gets a little hot under the collar about other men flirting or sending ques that he doesn’t need to worry because I love him so much he has ruined me for all other men.
We both know its not true though. Nor have I ruined him for all other women although I like to think I did (snort). He knows I love him and I am committed to him but he also knows that we have a unlimited capacity to love. He knows that while I love him its my respect for him and compatability that makes him number 1 in my life. Love is just the foundation everything else in life is built upon. Its what you build on the foundation that makes the relationship and the love work.

We are going to Love many people in our lives many times simutanously but a relationship doesn’t work on Love alone. Its works on commitment to that love. At our age we all have the ghosts of love past residing in us. You were married twice and have them to. You may not like them now but there was a time when you did. You can easily say the very same words to her but on the polar opposite. They ruined you for any other women. Not because of some great love you hold for them but because of the hurt they caused you making you more wary of trusting your instinct and the women you meet now. Combating ghosts of the past happens to all of us, not just in relationships. Facing them head on is the only way to defeat them.

Instinct comes from the heart as well as the mind but its wise to listen to both. That feeling of being number 2 or her just settling is yours not hers. Unless she tells you or treats you in a fashion that would indicate she has just settled its your ghost that haunts the relationship not hers.

Tisha

489

Wow. I wish someone told me this a few months ago. Thank you Tisha.

490

Ok, so it’s damn well about time for a report, and I do have several to post, so I may as well get started.

As to my mention of the strip club a couple of posts back: A couple of days after “S” and I split up I said screw hit and hit one of the local strip clubs.

Application:

MX292 - 4 sprays
MX272 - 3 sprays
Cover scent - Michael Storer Djin

I had not been to the place I went in a lot of years and didn’t realize it when I was paying my cover and walking in, but I was pretty much the only white person in their, dancer or customer.

The girl that was dancing on the stage closest to me was mixed Filipino/Black and was really hot. Some guy had come over and toyed with her for a few minutes, then walked away without tipping her. I looked at her and kind of gave her a WTF look and she just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. So, I walk over to her stage and throw her a couple of bucks, telling her that’s to make up for the idiot who stood there gawking at her and walked away. I also tell her that she doesn’t have top dance for me. She thanks me and says she’ll come see me after her set.

When she finished dancing she came over and ended up sitting with me all night. I never got a lap dance from her, but did pay her for a couple, telling her that I know she’s supposed to be working and that she’s gotta make something. I also got her real name and her phone number. She was being pretty cozy with me all night, but I figured that was just the stripper thing. I had told her about just having moved and about “S”, and that we we’re planning on having a house warming party, but that may be down the tubes now. She said that she thought I should do it and invite some hot chicks over to put “S” in her place, and said that she’d come.

When I got home “S” asked me where I’d gone, so of course I told her that I’d been to a strip club. She asked which one and when I told her she grimaced a little and said “isn’t that pretty much an all black club?” I said yeah pretty much so, but I did meet a really cute dancer who was mixed: asian/black and that she would be coming to our house warming party. She didn’t seem to thrilled but therre wasn’t much she could say.

Anyway, I tried calling her about a week later and got a message saying “The party you’re calling is not accepting phone calls at this time” I figured that she hadn’t paid her cell bill ,and got her phone cut off. So I thought what the hell, took a chance and went to the club again.

When I got there she immediately came over to me and asked if I remembered her. I told her of course I did and she’s the only reason I came back. I told her that I’d tried calling her and she said that she was changing her phone number and it wouldn’t be active for a couple of days, then gave me her new phone number.

She also told me that she was disappointed that I hadn’t called, figured that meeting me was a one time deal and had been looking forward to my house warming party. I told her that we hadn’t had it yet, but I’d be sure to let her know when we did.

She ended up hanging out with me again for most of the night, well until a bouncer came over and made her leave, because as he put it, we were being a little to intimate.

We’ve talked a couple of times on the phone since, and surprisingly she has not tried to get me to come back to the club, but instead suggested we do something on one of the days she’s not working.

We’ll see how it goes. I learned a long time ago though, that strippers are fun to party with and do wonders in the way of social proofing, but they are not relationship material.

491

And how about a report from Thursday night.

Venue: I decided to cave and go back to Red River.

Application: I got another bottle of the pheros I raved about awhile back from the unmentionable place and a new product that they are now putting out, and wore a bit of both.

On getting to the club I took up the spot on the subwoofer box in front of the stage that I always used to occupy, but this time around there wasn’t anybody that I knew and the place was pretty slow.

The subwoofer is about 50 feet long and there was nobody sitting on my side. I was pretty well dead in the middle. There was one girl that walked by me probably 4 or 5 times in about 30 minutes and would look aver and smile at me each time she walked by. After prancing back and forth for awhile she finally came over and stood a couple of feet way from me. I thought about talking to her and probably should have, but for whatever reason I didn’t. Finally after a few minutes of standing there by herself she walked away.

By now there were a few people on my side of the subwoofer, but they were few and far between. There was a group of 3 girls that came over and stood literally about a foot away from me, even though they could have easily put 10 feet of space between themselves and anybody else.

One of the girls turned to face her friends and in the process leaned up against me and rested her arm on my leg. Funny but she made no attempt to move it and on catching each others eyes I did get a smile out of her. I tried talking to her a bit, but the other 2 girls kept interrupting and it seemed to be a bit frustrating/irritating to both of us, so I finally just gave up.

During this time another couple (guy/girl) came over and the girl sat like 2 feet way from me on the other side. Again there was plenty of room and they could have chosen to sit further down and not been near anyone, but the girl decided to pick a spot right next to me.

They just passed an ordnance banning smoking in bars in Dallas, and now we’re relegated to having to go outside to smoke. Anyway, I decided to make a trip outside and as soon as I had lit up a girl walks over to me and says “Doesn’t this suck?” We got to talking and she moved to position herself RIGHT in front of me and seemed a bit mesmerized. For the rest of the night she kept coming over to me or waving at me as she’d pass by. She made it pretty obvious that she was into me and if I’d wanted to ask for her phone number or ask her out it wouldn’t have been a problem getting getting either, but she wasn’t all that attractive and I wasn’t interested in her.

A little later 2 girls and a guy came over and stood by me. The guy ended up going off to dance with the girl on the far side from me, and the other girl and I started talking. She was pretty hammered, but the way it affected her was actually kind of cute. She said that she hadn’t been out in awhile, was going through a divorce and that tomorrow would have marked her anniversary, so she was celebrating by getting drunk. We had been talking for awhile when I guess i said something that she liked, cause she leaned up and kissed me on the neck. We ended up kissing a couple of times and by this time it was getting late and she started wondering what happened to her friend.

She said that she was hungry and needed to find him so they could leave. I asked her if she wanted to go grab some breakfast and she was all for it. So I told her to stay put and I’d go find her friend. I took off and when I found them and dragged him and the other girl back we talked about going to IHOP.

As we walked out of the club, my girl decides she wants a piggy back ride, so I kneel down and tell her to climb up. The other girl also decides that she needs a piggy back ride too, so the other guy ends up carrying her. It was pretty funny because my girl was pretty hammered and ended up slipping to my side and causing us to fall over, and we’re laying in the grass laughing our asses off. I finally get back up tell her that I think we might have to give up on the piggy back ride.

We talked about the one girl riding with me, and her friend and the other girl taking his car. The guy didn’t seem to like that idea a whole lot and didn’t seem much like he reslly even wanted me to come along. The other girl had gone to her car for something and the guy tells my girl to get in his car. He proceeds to tell her that she needs to go to sleep and he’s just going to take her home. She keeps saying that she wants to go eat, but he doesn’t seem to care much.

She had told me that they were best friends, but the way he was acting seemed more like he wanted something more from her and was jealous. What was odd was that he had been dancing with the other girl the whole time she and I had been talking. I wasn’t positive whether it was a jealousy issue or that he was just watching out for her, but it was clear that he didn’t want me around, and I was pretty sure that if I’d said snything or called him on it she probably would have jumped to his defense.

Earlier, she had told me she lived right down the road and would definitely be back next Thursday, so I decide that the best thing for me to do is leave and maybe see her there again another time. The guy tells me that if I want to give him my phone number he will give it to her, but I figured that was a line of crap, and told him that’s OK, I’ll just wait and see if I see if she comes back again, and I took off.

492

I think you just did defend her. When I told her that I couldn’t be with her knowing that I wasn’t the one she really wanted to be with, she could have spoke up and said something to defend the relationship, instead she just said OK.

Her telling me about her one true love, how he ruined her for all other men and saying that she would never love anybody as much or like she did him is my ghost, and feeling that she was settling is my fault?

I’m a little confused. “l’ll never love anybody as much as him”. That pretty emphatically states that whatever love she has for anybody else is going to be less than what she feels for him.

Yeah that’s just what I want, a girlfriend that romanticizes about someone else when she’s with me.

No she had never compared me to him. He never came up before that night and she said that she’s never told anybody else about him..

493

Yes you are, This is what I said…

I am not referring to just her and perhaps I should have phrased it different and said if a women.

No one said anything about fault. I said we all have ghosts from past relationships sometimes its theirs who interfer and sometimes its ours but they only haunt of if we let them. She told you so obviously its her ghost and it haunts you.

I dont blame you for looking elsewhere but for other reasons you stated not for the statement she made.

Tisha

494

I just wanted to add something Mark.

I really am not defending her. I cant defend someone I never spoken to and I can only go by what you have told us. I know you here on this forum and have always had a lot of affection and respect for you which is why I said I trusted your judgement. If my statement hurt your feelings it wasn’t intended to and I am sorry. I was just giving you a perspective from a women’s point of view and from someone who has been there. Its funny how something can be said one way and taken in a entirely different way. Perhaps I should have chosen my words more carefully but this is something that can occur in forums. I do still feel that way though. Whether that ghost I spoke of is the ghost of her past relationship or yours its “your ghost” because its haunting you. Your the one who is effected and only you can choose if you want to battle it or not.

I still feel you need to trust your heart and your instinct. It knows what to do and if it tells you to not pursue this relationship for whatever reason then its correct. Like a said you deserve to be happy.

Again I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, it was not my intention at all.

Tisha

495

You didn’t hurt my feelings Tisha, I just felt that you were saying that her feelings for somebody else was my ghost, and that feeling like second choice was on me.

I realize that men and women think differently and to you those things may have come across as innocent romanticizing, but, if your husband told you that he would never love anybody else as much as some old girlfriend and that she ruined him for all other women, how acceptable would that be to you?

You are right in that I could have not let it bothered me and let it go, and in a sense it is my ghosts that caused those feelings and to make the decision to end the relationship. However, instead of calling it ghosts I’m going to call it experience. I have been second choice before and that’s why I choose to never accept being in a relationship were I am anything less than #1 again.

I know you feel that she may not have meant it as it sounded, but they were pretty clear cut statements, “Her one true love”, “He ruined me for all other men” and “I’ll never love anybody as much or like I loved him.”

It wasn’t a one line quick wistful statement. She put thought into choosing her words, and she didn’t try to save the relationship. For me to think that she didn’t mean what she said would have been foolish.

I really do appreciate all the time and effort you’ve put into this, but in the end it was her feelings for this past love that ended the relationship and nothing else. The other things that I’d said had been grating on me were pretty trivial and would not have caused me to end the relationship. And, if I were to meet another girl who told me about some past love that nobody could compete with, I walk away again.

496

And a few more reports from Friday and Saturday nights. Although neither comes close to Thursdays testing!

Applications for both nights were the 2 products from the unmentionable place, with 2 drops of copulins added on Friday night only.

Friday night venue: Cape Buffalo

The place was packed, and if I got much attention or any hits they mostly slipped by me, with the exception of 2 pretty good ones.

The first was from a girl that I see there pretty often, but had never talked to until a mutual friend introduced us a couple of weeks ago. Friday night she kept looking and smiling at me and toasting her beer to mine.

The other hit was from a HUGE girl who had come over and sat next to me. Out of the corner of my eye I caught her staring at me a lot! She was pretty plastered I think and she did make a couple of attempts at talking to me, but I couldn’t understand a word she was saying.

Not one of my better nights.

Saturday night venue: Red River

Again nothing much to report. It was kind of an off night, in that I didn’t know anybody there at all. There was a concert the night before and I guess the normal Saturday night crowd might have come out the night before instead tonight.

About the only hit I had all night was when I’d gone outside to smoke and this girl came over and sat next to me and struck up a conversation.

The rest of the night was pretty bland, and boring.

I may have kind of overdone it on the pheros though and caught a ghosting effect, cause I think I probably had quite a bit on. It’s a roll-on and can be kind of hard to tell how much you’re really applying.

Anyway, after a pretty good Thursday night and looking forward to repeat performances Friday and Saturday, it turned out to be kind of disappointing.

497

OK, so I’m back in the saddle! I had a great weekend - wearing MX292, after concluding that this batch of pheros from the unmentionable place and using Chris Schraud’s molecules was nowhere near as effective as the first batch I got.

I’ll come back and report a little later, but gotta run for now as I have a brunch date - unfortunitely it’s not with the girl in my new avatar pic cause she’s flying to Miami this morning, then back home to Brazil on Thursday. But, at least I got to have a great time with her Friday and Saturday nights. :frowning:

498

Well alright, I’ve got reports for Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights, all at Red river and it was the best weekend I’ve had in awhile!

Application for all three nights was 4 sprays of MX292 and 2 sprays of MX272, covered with colognes from the unmentionable place.

Thursday night: A girl that I had apparently known for quite awhile, but couldn’t for the life of me remember came over and ended up hanging out with me all night. I had seen her the week before too, and she came running over and gave me a hug and told me that she’d missed me. She introduced me to one of her friends, then told that friend that she’d spent the night with me before. I know that I’d never brought her home with me, but couldn’t very well tell her that she was mistaken, and it was in my best interest not to anyway, so I just let it slide.

We danced to a numberer of songs and she told me that she wanted to come to my place and have me cook her waffles on Mothers Day. I got her to settle for going out for brunch instead. I still couldn’t for the life of me remember her name, but I did at least kind of remember who she was. She said she wanted to give me her number, and since I couldn’t very well punch it into my cell phone and then ask her name, at least not without looking like a total idiot, I just handed her my phone and let her enter it, hoping that she would put her name in too.

She did, which triggered my memory and everything came back to me. I had posted about her probably about a year or so ago, which was also the last time that I had seen her. She had been on a date with some guy who kept hitting on other girls. She got pissed off and came over to hang out with me and bitch about him, and he came over threatening to kick my ass. I did not back down and told him that if he wanted to take it outside the door was right over there, pointing toward it. He backed down, ended up shaking my hand, then kept saying that he wanted to buy me dinner. :confused: Anyway, she ended up ditching him and leaving with me, but all we did was go to breakfast, kiss a bit and then I drove her home.

Anyway, she was my brunch date for Mothers day and we ended up spending he whole day together, having a few drinks in the afternoon and then coming back to my apartment and talking most of the night away. I finally took her back to her car at 5:00 AM.

She sweet, pretty, and I did have a good time with her, but to be honest, the girl that I’m going to talk about in my next report called me before her and I were to meet for brunch, and if I could have seen her instead I would have blown off my brunch date in a heartbeat. Even though this girl was flying to Miami at 2:00 PM, then back home to Brazil on Thursday. Read on to see why.

499

Friday night, I got to Red River and took up my usual spot in front of the stage. I ended up meeting a couple of girls, including a cute little 26 year old who sat next to me and started getting rather fidgety.

After the band finished one of their sets I went outside to smoke a cigarette and ended up meeting the girl who’s in my latest avatar, and hanging out with her and her guy friend for most of the rest of the night.

I initially thought the guy was her boyfriend, but she made a point of saying that they were just friends, had known each other since high school and were best of friends. From the avatar you can see she definitely looks Asian, so I asked about her nationality and she told me she was Brazilian and was just here visiting and playing tourist, which kind of took me by surprise because her English was absolutely perfect and without an accent, She also went on to say that she was part Japanese too and that she went to school in New York. She also talked about a current/ex boyfriend who lives in California, after I had told her that’s were I grew up.

Anyway, she mentioned that she wanted to get a cowboy hat or some boots and asked where the best place to go was, which I told her of a place near the hotel she was staying at. Before the end of the night she gave me her phone number.

Toward the end of the night we kind of went our separate ways and I didn’t see her again before leaving. I’d thought about calling or texting her on Saturday, at least to see if she’d got her hat and boots, but for whatever reason I didn’t

Saturday night: I get to Red River and take up my usual spot. After awhile I went outside to smoke and saw someone that put a big smile on my face. It was my little Brazilian cutie from last night. She sees me and jumps up and gives me a hug, and tells me that she was just telling her friend that she hoped she’d see me again.

Tonight I ended up hanging out with her the whole evening, and walking them to the hotel limo when they left.

She was telling me how much she loved Texas and wants to come live here. She also told me about having applied for a Green Card and that she was serious about moving.

Tonight she said that the current/ex boyfriend in California was definitely an ex. She asked all the right questions, told me she likes me and that a couple of years ago she dated a guy that was 52 years old, so age isn’t an issue (she’s 28), and that she was going to come back to Dallas in a month or so and wanted to spend more time with me when she does. :slight_smile:

When I walked her out at the end of the night she put her arm around my waist and kind of leaned into me as we walked out. I got a big hug and kiss goodnight and told her that I would call her before she left for Miami tomorrow.

Then when I got home I text messaged her, asking “So, is it ok to tell you that i miss u already” and that I had an awesome time with her and couldn’t wait to see her again. She text back to say it was absolutely ok! and thanked me for an amazing time. Then another text saying “Goodnight baby!”

We’ve talked and text messaged back and forth a number of times since, and while I was typing these reports she text messaged again to say she misses me too! :slight_smile:

I don’t know when or if I’ll see her again, but I do know that in 2 nights time she’s managed to do one heck of a job of getting to me and making me really want to. Heck I’m thinking about seeing if she has time to spend with me before going home to Brrazil, and if so jumping on a plane to Miami myself.

So, in conclusion for my last couple reports, the pheros from the unmentionable place seemed pretty much worthless this time around and had me questioning myself, or thinking that maybe I wasn;t ready to put myself out there again just yet. But, the MX292/MX272 combo worn this weekend has shown me that I’ve still got it and there ain’t nothing holding me back! :smiley:

Time to place another order!

500

Ride’em Cowboy. Time to lasso those runaways … Remember - the only thing holding you back is you. Good luck!