Hello forum. Allow me to introduce myself and give you all an idea why I am interested.
I am a 34 year old male, more or less happily married for nine years. We have a six year old son. I am a graduate student and a teacher. We live in the Southwest US.
Over the past year, my relationship with my wife (also 34) has soured, largely without me realizing it (primarily my fault) until about two months ago. Basically, I have been rather distant from her over the past year, putting a lot of strain on her. She has a very stressful job and makes most of the money for the family, and has felt like she is pulling all of the weight. Additionally, I am somewhat prone to anger, and though I have never hit her or anything, I have not exactly been the most friendly husband this past year (I only blew up at her significantly once, but I have been rather consistently ill-tempered). Making matters worse, she has been having health problems which have affected her hormones. A promotion this summer has made her job even more stressful, especially since she is now in a management position and has little experience in that area. Also significant, she says she has more or less fallen in love with a co-worker, though she hasn’t cheated on me in any way (she says this, and I believe her completely). Significantly, he is a quiet, melancholic guy whereas I am an outgoing, choleric guy. It probably doesn’t help matters that he is already successful, whereas I am still finishing my doctorate and rather insignificant right now (though I am quite successful, relative to my station).
Since we had the talk about her being upset about the past year, things have been mostly better, but since she has revealed that she has lost a good deal of her romantic feelings for me, our sex life has suffered (we have since had sex about twice a week, down from more or less seven times). I can tell, however, that she really isn’t interested anymore. This, however, is very much related to her hormonal problem as well. She is having an operation in a week that may help things, may make things worse, or many have not affect.
I have completely acknowledged to her that I have not been a good husband this past year, but I do believe that some of the external circumstance as somewhat causal as well. Also, my wife and I have always taken our marriage very seriously, and I’m quite sure that a break up would be detrimental to both of us, along with our son and our extended family. I need to save my marriage, and I am trying to do everything possible to that end.
Just a few days ago, we had a talk about having something like a six month “probation period” wherein we would consider whether or not we want to continue the marriage. I absolutely want to–I am still completely in love with her, sexually attracted to her, and amazed by her in every conceivable way. I therefore know that I need to do a lot of work this year. Primarily, I need to be more gentle–not in a sexual way, but in my overall demeanor (not just toward her, but just toward everything). I use the word gentle very consciously because she used that word specifically. Gentility is not at all a foreign quality to me, but it has been one that I have not been demonstrating as of late. Additionally, I have always been a very confident person, especially over the past nine years because I draw a lot of confidence from my wife. Over the past two months, however, I have felt much less confident, and this cannot help.
In a sense, you might say that I am writing this down in this forum as some sort of way of solidifying what I know I need to do. But, as is germane to this forum, I am planning to seek a bit of help from pheromones. My opinion of pheromones is as follows: it seems to me quite logical that they work, and I have no more doubt about them then I have about anything else. But, along the lines of this forum post by tisha23: What pheromones can and can't do: realistic expectations for newcomers, I don’t think that they will work any miracle. If anything, I think they will only have a very slight and subtle affect that I need to back with my own actions. I also have something of an ethical dilemma concerning their use (sorry to bring this up to a group of believers). I don’t want to use them to make me something that I am not, and I think there would be a certain degree of dishonesty if I did so (again, I don’t mean to insult any of you, I’m just trying to lay out where I am coming from). I want to use them to help project a demeanor which I am actively trying to engender in myself. At the present time, I am not planning to tell my wife that I am using one of these products (if it works, I probably will tell her and get her to use some too!), but I don’t really like to hid things from her. So, I want to make sure that the products I am using can be understood as having an effect on me, not just on her.
Finally, I feel inclined to mention that I am not interested in attracting other women (though interested smiles always brighten my day, even if I don’t pursue them!), but rather only to help work things out with my wife.
I have spent quite some time looking through these forums. Some helpful posts include:
I am now considering making a purchase (well, I pretty much am sure I will), so let me tell you which products I am considering and my thoughts about them. Also, in line with renny’s post, I think I should start with one rather than a blend.
IG: This is my obvious first choice since it contains the key word, “gentle.” Frankly, the description pretty much sums up what I am looking for and what I think my wife is looking for, and it would most likely compliment well the qualities I am trying to engender. Additionally, I think it would be good for me to be effected myself by this product, as it would help me feel comfortable rather than the somewhat frantic I tend to be usually.
IO: This one appeals to me because one of my problems, and my wife’s problems, is we have had difficult relaxing over the past year.
IH: I am quite convinced by bosshank’s post about this product and its affect on long term relationships. To be honest ( 
), however, I’m not really too worried about honesty in our conversations. Also, I tend to be one who let’s more out than I should sometimes, so I wouldn’t really want it to be affecting me.
And here are a few I am skeptical about:
IFM: This one might seem perfect, especially given the description “Our nickname for Instant Female Magic around here has been “The Relationship Extender” because it can help you to settle differences, and allow you to happily co-exist with a woman even at the most difficult of times.” However, I am a bit worried as I don’t want it to effect my relationship with my son, and the description warns about men not feeling welcome. I suppose I would be open to using this only when I am just around my wife or if I was sure some combination that would eliminate this negative effect. Basically, I want to do nothing that could possibly have negative repercussions for my relationship with my son.
A314: I know that this seems to be a favorite, but I don’t want to use it. Frankly, I think that projecting a domineering attitude at all would cause more harm from good. Frankly, I have always been something of an Alpha anyway (an odd one, but one none the less–I am often looked up to and followed by those around me), and I think this addition would not be beneficial, especially since I’m not really worried about my position at work (I might consider this for work once I am on the job market, however).
TUTH: This might sound surprising to you all (it certainly is surprising to me to say it!), but I’m not really looking to enhance sexual intimacy at the time, and I’m not interested in using pheromones directly to try to get sexy stuff starting. I know myself and my wife enough to know that reforging our emotional bond is far more important right now.
I hope this post wasn’t too long–like I said, I am in a way using this anonymous forum as a way of working things out in my mind. I would like to hear your thoughts about my product choice (and my situation in general, quite frankly), including possibly blends and methods of application, as I plan to make a purchase in the next few days.
