It’s communicating that you have a problem with her worrying. That you feel the need to fix it immidiately instead of giving her room to deal with it herself.
Are you saying that you want to end it know because it might not last forever?
How about enjoying your time with her while you have a relationship with her. Maybe that relationship will end someday, maybe you will marry her.
In both cases you feel happy while it lasts.
Enjoy the moments.
This.
They need a dose of Instant Shine, stat.
I’m sorry, but something smells slightly fishy here. Someone whos afraid of commitment wouldn’t be the one to say “I love you” first in a relationship.
I’m not sure if she’s being 100% honest with ya here.
MORE: Today I texted her and told her I was confused and needed some time to think things through. She said that’s fine. I saw her today, and she came up to me and said she wanted to hang out and acted as if everything was fine. I denied, and told her when I said a couple of days, I MEANT a couple of days.
I told her that we should enjoy each other, but she seemed to bat an eye at this. She’s too worried about the future, I don’t know why, but she also is afraid that I want to extend this beyond me graduating. Frankly, I’m just as worried as her, but I want to just enjoy my girlfriend and talk about those things later. I feel like a lot of things that should come natural in a relationship she’s having trouble with.
I’m leaning towards just making this a ‘just friends’ relationship, and see how she takes it. It’ll kill me inside, but I’ll be strong.
John is correct, I hate to say.
At face value, what you are posting here, is that she said she loved you, and you did not lobby the ball back. People move on if their feelings are not being reciprocated.
It is the natural progression of things. Before you get into a deep relationship, you need a reason to be together.
I have a life story, from her perspective. I fell for a girl, HARD. We went out for about six months in total (If I recall correctly, it has been years) and we were perfect. I hwas still fat, her brother was my sparring partner in the gym (MMA) and he eventually became my coach. I was apart of her family, and loved it. She liked to do what I did, I liked to do what she did. She was HOT.
I would spend hours a day at the gym with her their, or with her. She became my cut woman and a large part of my career. She convinced me to stick with competing rather than join the military (Which would have killed my career) and encouraged my self development, but never pushed.
She was my ideal mate. Still is. Something happened around month four, she wanted to get married. We would go to parties with boxers, fighters, and other industry executives all the time, bumping elbows, expanding our network. She was young, we were young, and she would drink and could not hold it. She would not be on other guys, but I was always worried, watching over her.
I slowly realized I could not marry her, I was not a man yet. I was not the person I wanted to be, which in heinsight is an impossible ideal. She and I started to argue about not getting married, and she tossed out the “I love you, dont you love me?” line. It worked, but I just could not agree to put her through a relationship when I could not even support myself yet.
I attempted to logic her into realizing she needed to slow down and wait. It did not work.
We argued til I said I needed space, and to try to cut out the sex so we could just scale back the emotions. I realized I could not, I wanted to be with her. We got back together, argued more, so I broke up with her. It was rough. She said she still loved me.
We are still friends, always will be. She is one of my best buds sisters. She is my cut woman. She is a major component of my training camp for strength and conditioning for competition. But we just could not be lovers.
I know, it was a lot of personal story, but it has a point.
Just friends does not work. She is confused by you, emotionally. You dont love her, but want ot be with her. She is moving on because she said she loved you, and you never showed her the same level of love.
You are right. She is Afraid. But nor Fear of commitment. It is fear of being in a relationship with someone who does not love her. She felt this fear for a long time, and now that you are being needy, she is moving on, and you are pushing her away by being needy and now trying to pin her down now, when she needs space.
Most people find another mate/partner at this point. I would be worried she has, personally.
No one doubts she still loves you, but you are not keeping her attracted in you, because you previously put a limit on your emotional relationship. Being together forevor is pointless if you are not ‘in love’ with her. Or at least that is how she views it.
You can disagree with me if you want. It is cool. I just know when my ex and I had our aforementioned meltdown, I bounced right back. I loved my ex, but I was not broken like she was. I still love her, but my future was nto wrapped around with her. That is an obsession.
Now, what you want, advice how to fix it. Frankly, no matter what advice we give, we will not know if it is correct. People are complex. For all we know she was really burned by a past loved and does not want to jump into a relationship. Maybe she is afraid of being hurt again. Maybe, just maybe, she is afraid her strong feeling of love is just a crush, and no one can love her like that.
We are talking deep rooted emotional issues. BUT, you do not know either. You are inside of it all. Your vision is clouded. Her going to a professional can help, but not much else will work for sure.
What can you do? The only answer to all of her issues, is for you to be a man.
BE A MAN.
Yes, be a man. Simple, no?
Does a man cry and get distraught over something out of his control? No. That is something boys do. Do not get me wrong, it is not macho-ism, men cry, I do. Sometimes, I cry. Not over pain, or emotional baggage though. Extreme joy, breaking through a long time barrier, those things can make me cry. Getting hurt, breaking up, etc does nothing for me.
Think about what you see an a MAN. An ALPHA MAN. Do you think James Bond? Tyler Durden? Superman? Does not matter who, the iconic man.
The iconic man women fall for. Obsess over. The man man who does not waver, knows his value.
These men all live on a path of life not obsessed with a woman. Love motivated them on occasion, but they are unwavering, nothing in the world can bring them down.
People are naturally attracted to, and gravitate to, leaders. If you are a man about this situation, offer stability, she will sort her own issues out. She must decide based on her emotions. You cant out logic emotions. But you can be a crutch to help her sort them out. You are her man, that is what you are here for.
And let er know this. Tell her you are ready to make something of this, but if she is not, it is cool. Enjoy the ride.
In the grand scheme of things, 1/2 of marriages fail. Odds are, it wont work out. Enjoy it while it lasts. By living in the moment, living for your happiness, she will stay. Being a positive, masculine man, attracts women.
I hope it works out. I do, I just know being clingy and emotional drives people away. It is baggage. I also know you cant convince her to be with you. Your hands are tied, so just exist, as a man. Good luck, I hope she get herself figured out.
I don’t think any post can help you as much as Kimba’s. That shit was beautiful man.
Why thank you, but if you have any advice or knowledge, Id toss it out. If one of us offers something that works, it helps him out immensely.
We hung out today. We made out a lot, very passionate. I have to admit, there was a heavy feeling in my stomach because I knew I had a decision to make, and when she asked me what was wrong before hand, I told her she had nothing to worry about. I started taking her shirt off, and she told me to hear her out, and she didn’t want to just be my sex toy like she was last semester. I told her that the sex was not the top of my list of priorities, but she and her feelings were, so I was OK with this. She told me ‘when I’m ready, you’ll be the first to know,’ in which I joked ‘technically second,’ and she laughed and said ‘I hate you, asshole.’ (She does this all the time, but it’s a joke. She knows I’m not too fond of it, but she’s been saying since day 1, even in our ‘good’ days). When I told her that she was my priority, she had a look of approval on her face.
I was wearing 2 sprays of TUTH, so that is probably why the kissing was extra passionate (she kept wrapping her legs around me, how was I supposed to take that as ‘I’m not trying to have sex with you?’)
Should this be reason for concern? Normal? Or is this actually a good sign?
over analyzing things is not good for your head bro
Over-analyzing? My girlfriend just told me she doesn’t want a physical relationship (aside from kissing) anymore (or at least for now). If you could please tell me how I’m over-analyzing, that would be great…
I was OK with it initially. She told me she wanted it to be special because in the past, we just had A LOT of sex for the sake of having sex. I understood that at first, but now I think about it, that’s what the honeymoon stage is about, and yes, I put her feelings&thoughts as a higher priority than sex, HOWEVER, shouldn’t she want MY body, as her boyfriend, for sex as much as I want her?
I’m sorry, but I think this is just the right amount of analyzing…
sorry bro its the way i see it
you said "Should this be reason for concern? Normal? Or is this actually a good sign?
im thinking this whole time youre trying to figure out the relationship rather then let the chips fall where they may.
You’re right about that. Today, she wanted to know what was up, and I told her ‘let’s just have a good time together, and not talk about all that serious stuff, k?’
Maybe I should just continue to do this until it’s time to give her up. At this point, I just feel like her best guy friend who gets to make out with her and knows she doesn’t go hooking up with other guys. Not sure how I feel about that, but I’ll take it, I guess???
The vibe that you communicate with 2 sprays of TUTH is that you are focused on having sex with her.
Saying that her feelings are your top priority and wearing 2 sprays of TUTH is not congruent.
The fact that you hiding the fact that you think about ending the relationship with her creates additional tension that makes her uneasy.
Maybe she feels that she has some emotional needs that you aren’t addressing and hopes to get you to address them by withholding sex.
Forcing her into a serious discussion is a bad idea. On the other hand if she wants to have a serious discussion with you, be open for it.
She texted me today telling me she didn’t like how we were going, so we decided to talk it out over some frozen yogurt. Long story short, it turns out we both just misinterpreted A LOT of things that were said, and we’re OK now.
Have you told her you loved her yet?
I think that if you feel it, you should. I went through something like this, I said it first, he said he wasn’t ready, and it killed me every day even though I didn’t say a thing. She might just need to hear it. Anyway, thank you… I have been wondering what could possibly be happening in my guy’s head and seeing your perspective was very helpful. I am glad you guys are on the up… but I think even if the future is uncertain, the fact that you love her should be shared. It will really help.
(Phero-therapy session... with free cookies! if you want to read my details about it to see this from a girl’s pov… Actually I would love it if some of you really helpful guys would check that out and give some advice…)
this is a pheromone forum, so I’ll look at this story this way. You try to get her committed more, you want her to believe that she is your priority, not sex, yet you wear TWO sprays of TUTH around this 18 years old girl. How about those other things on your list? What about that IHx2, that IS, and maybe ONE shot of Ammo when things are about to get hotter?
Pretty much everything else has been said already, and I just got up to go to work, so won’t elaborate. But the guys here were right.
Also, one of the first things you’ve said was something about removing labels. But then you went into: “she’s the ABCD type, and I’m the WXYZ type and the ABCD-WXYZ combination is obviously clashing”, and “she’s going into that sorority, and that sorority is where girls get drunk and laid”. Just sayin’.
She told you she’s not very good at committing. Well she also told she loved you, months ago. You didn’t return it, even now you’re admitting that you love her, but you’re waiting for the right time. You’ve heard it from her, you feel that too, what’s still not right? My point is, maybe she’s not very good at committing in this particular relationship (and maybe she has good reasons), not necessarily in general. How would she know anyway? She’s 18. How many committed relationships can she have had?
As has been said before, I also think you’re acting needy and overanalysing. The girl’s behaviour seems pretty straightforward from what you’ve told us. She got into a relationship with you, she told you she loved you when she felt that, then started creating some space around her when felt like her feelings aren’t being returned. OK, you’ve said that she screws something up daily, but didn’t give any details, so I’m basing my observations on what we know here.
Now back to pheromones. Wearing pheromones saying “I want you to be my sex toy” while trying to tell her otherwise, doesn’t help.
Its not that your needy, its not that neither of you can commit, its not that you dont love each other.
As often happens of young people ranging between around ages 16 though 23 your in different places in your life paths right now. That is what is causing the feeling of unsettledness, disconnect and uncommitment. That age range is the “age of discovery” Its when your deciding who it is you want to be and what it is you really want.
Think back to the beginning of college for you. How you felt. Actually you posted a lot and I remember. You were discovering and wanting to experience life. Click on your profile button and then on all threads started by lakerman since you were 17 and take a look at your journey though college. Hers is just beginning and yours is at a close. You have grown.
Your going to want different things right now. People tend to think well “all you need is love” That’s a misconception in a way because when people think of love they just think it means you want all the same things and life experiences.
People throw the word around thinking it has some magical meaning and will solve everything in a relationship. It wont. Its not the word that has meaning its the actions behind the word.
Love is many things. Its patient, kind, forgiving, respectful, unselfish etc etc… its a whole bunch emotions mixed up to make one feeling.
Love is a gift that is given to another without expecting anything in return.
So to the original question of “Is it time to break up”
That depends on whether your willing to stick around while she makes that journey you already made. Do you have the patience, the kindness, the respect enough to let her take her journey knowing full well she may fuck up and piss you off at times ? That’s why you haven’t reciprocated her feelings. Its not that you don’t love her its because you know your not in the same place right now therefore you know she will do things your not exactly happy with sometimes. Eventually she will catch up and things will smooth out but that patience may hold you back a little on your path and cause some turbulence.
Only you can decide if what you feel for her is strong enough to ride it out and see if the path she decides to take leads to you.
Pheromones cant really fix this.
Tisha
Tisha… I know this wasn’t directed at me… but it was exactly what I needed to hear in my situation too. You are so very right. Thank you so much.